All The President's Men Redux

A friend of mine came up with this hysterical fictional scene for “All The President’s Men,” wherein Bob Woodward (Robert Redford) has one last underground parking lot meeting with his deep background source, aka “Deep Throat” (Hal Holbrook).

WOODWARD: Just how high does this conspiracy go?

DEEP THROAT: Higher than you can imagine.

WOODWARD: We’ve already linked it to Haldeman so we’re inside the White House. And Haldeman is Nixon’s Chief of Staff.

DEEP THROAT: Higher, I’m telling you.

WOODWARD: How can it go higher than the White House?

Deep Throat peers left, right, takes a drag from his cigarette, then tosses it to the pavement floor, snubbing it out beneath his shoe. He frees a final gust of cigarette smoke.

DEEP THROAT: Martians.

WOODWARD: Excuse me—what… did you say?

DEEP THROAT: Martians, I tell you!

Woodward, standing beside a column, slowly begins sliding back down against it until he is fully slumped along the cold concrete. He puts his head in his hands, vanquished and humiliated.


(Now the point of this is to show how Woodward realizes that, with a single utterance, everything else Deep Throat has told him now comes into serious, serious question. This is pretty much how I feel about the bible, of which I will quote just once. Exodus 35: 2: “Six days work shall be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a Sabbath of solemn rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.” I could, of course, have picked from dozens of such lunatic quotations but I chose this one. Akin to the aforementioned “Martians” example, this leads to the question: Why would anyone put any stock whatsoever into a book that commands you to kill people for working on Sunday? (A coarser variation on this sentiment comes from Bill Maher: “If you see one turd in the pool do you jump in?”)

BILL

Drowning in Facts

Since one is statistically more likely to drown in his or her bathtub than be killed by a terrorist, what say we get rid of bath tubs?

BILL

Caught “The Big Short" re The Great Recession

Even after the idiot-proof, fourth-wall breaking explanations on how “a handful of hedge fund managers predicted the implosion of garbage-laden collateral debt obligations and profited from the crash” I’m still lost. No wonder I’ve never balanced my checkbook.

BILL

The Devil Is In The Details

I noticed something I had never seen before. In “Jaws” when Roy Scheider is typing up a form re the female swimmer whose body washed ashore, he types “Shark Attack” for “Probable Cause of Death.” Just above that is a box reading “Removed To (Address)” where he has typed in: “Corners Office.” (sic)

It is spelled, of course, “coroner” and should have the apostrophe, as in: “Coroner’s Office.”

I’m positive each was intentional and subtly displays how all of this is new to “Chief Brody” and how out of his element he is for the story about to unfold.

The difference between good movies and great movies (in my opinion).

BILL

Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

The man who killed Cecil The Lion was forced to go into hiding, inflicting upon him the karmic harmony of what it feels like to be hunted. Maybe there is a God....

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm a Packer Fan (As in Packing Heat)

Going to Zeb’s Gun Shack tomorrow. Wanna get in line early. Bring it on, terrorists. This American’s gonna be packing with a pistol hotter than your 72 virgins. Or 76. No, wait that’s trombones. Or Dalmatians or something. Either way, bring it on! Yeehaw!!

BILL

My Rage is Limited to Passive Aggressiveness

Some claim that the gun rampage issue is availability of guns. To SOME extent this is true. But that is not anywhere NEAR the entire problem. How do I KNOW this? Because if I’m having the absolute worst day of my life and you hand me a fully-loaded AK-47 I am NOT going to start shooting up the place. Nor do I know anyone who would. So let’s try to corral this sentiment as needed. It’s a factor only.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Three Cheers for Irony

Actor Michael Fassbender, who played the lead in the film “Steve Jobs,” has a rule when he goes out for meals: no phones. “We’d all be in a better place mentally if we just turned them off and looked at each other,” he says.

BILL

Holy Smokes!

Smoking pot has made me so paranoid that I distrust the legalization of marijuana.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

I just found out that ANYone can win a SAG Award. I thought they were only for senior citizens.

BILL

I've decided to get a gun

I’m worried I might be killed by a terrorist.

(See? Just saying it sounds stupid.)

BILL

"The Martian"

Thrilled to see this get a Best Picture nomination from the Golden Globes in the comedy/musical category. Speaking for myself, it was one of the single funniest films I have ever seen and Matt Damon’s song and tap-dance number “I’d Kill For Some Manure” will live in the hearts of movie lovers forever.

BILL

Forty Years Too Late

Damn it, Eagles, make up your minds! Should I “Take It Easy” or “Take It To The Limit?!

BILL

A Thought re John Stamos

Actor John Stamos always strikes me as a nice guy. If I were that handsome, I’m SURE I’d be a real jerk! I mean, I’m kinda ugly and I already AM a jerk.

BILL

On The Lighter Side of Killing Sprees

I take comfort knowing I will never be shooter or victim.

I’m non-violent, have a moral conscience, vent as needed and am not into guns. Best of all, I’m agnostic! OK, that’s the shooter part.

But what about victim, you ask? Hey, I read beyond the headlines. The victims are usually “Kimberly Ann was 24, cheerful, loved by all and was two weeks shy of her wedding day.” It’s never: “Bill was bullheaded, opined with irritating frequency on the issues of day and his black gallows humor repulsed many.” Sorry, kids, but I’m going to be the lone survivor, feigning a corpse while staring into space amidst the bodies, sprawled out atop an empty ketchup bottle.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This? THIS was your target?

San Bernardino shooters took out a disabilities services center. What, was the Children’s Burn Ward closed?

BILL

Hyper Brevity is The Soul of Wit

I’m a master of the one-syllable haiku, the most challenging of the haiku series. Perhaps you’re familiar with what one-syllable haiku scholars deem my masterpiece: “Toast.” Allow me to share:

“Toast.”

I believe this cathedral of minimalism not only shames my earlier works (and, yes, I am including “Moss” as well as my thoroughly dated “Joust”) but makes the whole sorry lot of them come off like Gatling guns of horrid verbosity.

BILL

Lost in Tushlation

If I ever meet writer-director Sofia Coppola I’ll ask her why her opening shot of “Lost in Translation” is a prolonged close-up of Scarlett Johansson’s diaphanously-attired rear end. (For the record this is not a complaint, per se, merely confusion.)

BILL

In My Eyes There's Not That Much Difference

Sure, actress Rosanna Arquette has had two pop songs sung about her but, in the end, that’s only two more than me.

BILL

Car Hunting

Ted Kennedy and Dick Cheney are driving cross country, Teddy at the wheel. They come to a bridge. “Stop the car,” Dick says. “I’m taking the wheel. You ride shotgun.”

“Sounds good to me,” Teddy says.

BILL

Hole Foods

Why don’t hunters who pose with their kills – proud to “provide for their family” as they often say – take similar pictures at the grocery store?

BILL

The Hunt for Rube October

Those claiming “love of the outdoors” as one of their reasons for hunting should claim “love of art” as reason to set fire to a museum.

BILL

Lead The Way

A fan of irony, I would bet that most of the same individuals fearing the remote possibility of “civilian-killing” terrorists entering our country are the same ones who worship the very second amendment that coddles our homegrown, gun-packing, rage-filled “civilian-killing” wackos.

BILL

"The Smell of War" by author/journalist/veteran Philip Caputo

An excerpt from his anti-Iraq invasion op-ed in the Los Angeles Times on 3/30/2003.

“I covered the Middle East for four years, from Morocco to Tehran, and feel reasonably confident in predicting that we would find it easier to grow bananas in the Sahara than to plant a flourishing democracy in that blood-dimmed, fractious country. I feel reasonably confident in further predicting, as people more expert in these matters have already done, that a prolonged U.S. occupation of Iraq will in time inflame Arab nationalism and Islamist fervor, and serve as a giant recruiting poster for Al Qaeda or some other band of murderous fanatics.”

Gee. Do you think he was right?

BILL

Statue of Liberty Play

Did you read how all those super-duper patriotic, gigantic flag unrolling, pro-military, we-love-the-troops demonstrations at NFL stadiums over the past few years were not the gesture of patriotic sincerity on the part of the teams and owners that fans thought they were but were in fact paid for by the Pentagon?

Welllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA! USA! USA! USA!

BILL

No Thought Required - Only True Belief

Please, may we stop using the word “mastermind” when it comes to whatever louse thought up the Paris attacks? Not only is it an insult to true masterminds, but such acts require few brains whatsoever. Only hate.

BILL

Chuckles with Brangelina

So I'm having cocktails with Brad and Angie, when Angie, ever the flirt, says: “My God, you are handsome.”

“Why, thank you,” I respond, tightening my tie and winking Brad’s way.

“I was talking to my husband, you idiot.”

BILL

Of Tornados

Some claim tornados to be “the finger of god.” If so, I guess it would be the middle one.

BILL

City of Plight

These things tend to happen when one seeks guidance from a “holy book” cobbled together by fearful, uneducated women-haters who believed in sea serpents and thought if you sailed too far out into the ocean you would fall off the earth.

Strap yourself in, kids. There will be more of these. Or you can do your small part and get the pendulum swinging in the other direction by saying: “I refuse to partake in revering such superstitious texts and instead shall align myself with those striving for the highest achievements of what educated men and women of all parts of the world can accomplish together.”

BILL

Three Different Women are Currently Stalking Me!

Whoops! Just reread that. I meant to say I’m currently stalking three different women.

BILL

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"

Whenever I see someone putting endless Facebook posts online regarding their “faith,” I cannot escape the thought that the opposite might well be true.

BILL Non-Shakespeare

I've Ben Thinking

We used to say “You know, you don’t exactly have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that…” or “You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that….”

I’m hoping we can all agree that, henceforth, we stick with “rocket scientist.”

BILL

Headline you’ll never see:

“Loquacious, easygoing student who never thought the world owed her anything goes on killing rampage.”

BILL

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaad Idea

NEWS ITEM: “The family of a man whose body landed on a freeway sign during a car crash says they performed a lamb sacrifice for him days earlier to protect him from harm.”*

EDITORIAL: Ah, yes. Religion.

BILL

*(Source: 11/3/15 Los Angeles Times)

“Dance like no one’s watching,” they said.

So I did.

“Tell you what,” they said. “Pretend someone’s watching.”

BILL

Heathens All!

NEWS ITEM: “According to the non-profit organization Vision of Humanity, each of the ten safest and most peaceful nations in the world is also among the most secular, least God-believing in the world. Most of the least safe and peaceful nations, conversely, are extremely religious.”

EDITORIAL: Like I’m shocked by this….

(Source: 11/1/15 Los Angeles Times)

BILL

A Forum for Madonna at The Forum

Quoting – I assure you word for word - today’s Los Angeles Times on Madonna’s performance at the Forum in Inglewood:

“… singing her song ‘Holy Water’ as several women dressed in nun’s wimples pole-danced on a number of metal crosses.”

AND

“… the singer simulated oral sex atop a long table decorated to evoke the Last Supper.”

Now, we all know I’m agnostic and a huge believer in freedom and am the first to say when people take offence “I’m offended that you’re offended, so now we’re even.” My question is merely an attempt to delineate the difference between two particular religions. In the above two examples, Madonna – I’ll politely say – “uses” venerated Christian icons as part of her performance. The question is: would she be willing to do this with Islamic icons? And if not, why not?

BILL

Suffragette City

The funny thing is: If women didn’t have the right to vote today, I think we can all agree that one major political party would be in favor of giving them the vote, while another would be vehemently opposed.

(Do I even have to name them?)

BILL

Gun Crazy

What mental illness causes NRA members to interpret “rational gun control laws” – you know, things like no Gatling Guns, waiting periods, background checks, etc. - as “WE’RE COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!!!!!!!!!!?”

BILL

It was... I gotta tell ya... CRAZY!!

So I go to this Santa Monica Blvd playhouse the other night to see a show called “All About Walken,” one of those wacky low-rent productions wherein they’ve amassed a number of actors, all of whom do truly amazing impressions of actor Christopher Walken. To no one’s surprise they kind of do them in ascending quality order, you know, the “worst” first and work their way up. A couple sketches , one of a phone operator talking to someone with a bad connection was pretty amusing, each actor doing a solid Walken. All pretty standard stuff and quite entertaining.

Anyway, at show’s end, they all come out onstage and hold hands, bow, soak in the generous applause and that’s when it happened: the actual Christopher Walken walks out from behind them!! The place goes NUTS!! Judging by the shocked reaction of the actors, I don’t even think they had a clue this was going to happen. (Must have been arranged by the theatre on the down low; that’s all I can figure.) Anyway, it truly made for a madcap evening, right up until the moment Walken pulled out a revolver and shot himself like his character does at the end of “The Deer Hunter.”

What a bummer.

BILL

25 or 6.24?

Despite having only five percent of the world’s population, guess what percentage the United States has of the world’s prison population?

Answer: 25%.

Welllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

Thought They Were Shooting "Walking Dead" Downtown This Morning!

Turned out it was just a typical Monday morning on the sidewalks of Los Angeles.

Oh, well.

BILL

Like the ads say: "Priceless"

With talk of Congressman Paul Ryan becoming Speaker of The House it’s amusing to recall the quote from musician Tom Morello: “Paul Ryan's love for Rage Against The Machine is amusing, because he is the embodiment of the machine that our music has been raging against for two decades.”

As a bonus, it was just pointed out to me that one of Ryan’s “demands” for taking on the Speakership is he wants to have time away with his family, this from a man who has voted down paid family leave time and again.

BILL

Gun Crazy

What mental illness causes NRA members to interpret “rational gun control laws” – you know, things like no Gatling Guns, waiting periods, background checks, etc. - as “WE’RE COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!!!!!!!!!!?”

BILL

“The Martian”

I think Matt Damon’s character in “The Martian” should have simply prayed for the plants to grow instead of using science to grow them. This would have made for an excellent 30-minute film.

BILL

She Could Not Turn The World On With Her Smile But I Loved Her Anywa

In 1970 it was my grandmother in the background staring at Mary Tyler Moore (near Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis) when Mary did her famous hat toss at the end of the opening credits of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” She’s wearing glasses, white gloves, a headscarf and a rather drab overcoat, her semi-blurred expression of puzzlement the precursor to what we now call “WTF.”

BILL

https://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=AmcXUGLqswE9EL94u3rxfM.bvZx4?p=mary+tyler+moore+hat+toss+youtube&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&fr=yfp-t-901&fp=1

Moron Benghazi

NEWS ITEM: (WASHINGTON) - A former investigator with the Republican-led congressional committee examining the attacks in Benghazi in 2012 says he was fired after resisting pressure to narrowly focus his investigation work on Hillary Rodham Clinton.*

EDITORIAL – My God, Republicans are terrified of her. Did you watch the debates? She was like Godzilla! This is why Republicans are obsessed over this “tragedy in search of a scandal” (to quote another) and her emails and why they are doing everything they can to get people not to vote. Voter suppression efforts. Voter ID laws. Lessening early voting. Increasing the difficulty of registering to vote. Anti-motor voter bills. Etc. Etc. (How un-American by the way.) All of this a cynical and desperately fear-based attempt to make it really, really hard for folks who tend to vote Democratic to vote. The stench of 60s Mississippi lingers today. Admit, Republicans, the woman scares the absolute shit out of you.

BILL

*Source: 10/11/15 Los Angeles Times

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Terrorists

In 2014 alone, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recorded 11,208 people shot to death, 33,636 injured by gunfire and 21,175 who killed themselves with a gun.* Or as I like to call it “Eleven 9/11s.”

BILL

* (Source: 10/8/15 Los Angeles Times)

Moron The Oregon Shooter

NEWS ITEM: PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — The mother of a gunman who killed nine people and himself at an Oregon community college allowed her troubled son to have guns and acknowledged in online posts that he struggled with autism, but she didn't seem to know he was potentially violent.

EDITORIAL: Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Forgeries From Greatness

When someone suggested President Obama was a moron, I stated that, if such were true, he would be the first moron ever to graduate first in his class from Harvard Law School. Birther knee jerk kicked in for this person who then stated that he would like to see the president’s transcripts. I could well be wrong on this but I don’t think these are public information, nor do I think they should be. Are yours? Nevertheless, it doesn’t matter, because if Obama released all of his college transcripts, some would merely deem them forgeries. Lesson being: never let reality intrude upon a stubbornly held belief.

BILL

Sorry, Humphrey Bogart, But I Beg to Differ

I think a “hill of beans” would have tremendous value in today’s volatile bean market.

BILL

To Air Travel is Divine

Why do so many people complain about flying? The settlers were burying their kin when they crossed the continent. All you have to do is take off your shoes. Quit your bitching and eat your fucking peanuts.

BILL

PS: And, as a bonus, I twice crossed the continent without peeing!

My Top Five Movies That Likely Would Not Have Worked With Anyone But:

#5 - “Groundhog’s Day” – Bill Murray

#4 - “My Cousin Vinny” – Joe Pesci

#3 - “The Dead Zone” – Christopher Walken

#2 - “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” – Jack Nicholson

#1 (and way ahead of the pack) - “School of Rock” – Jack Black

BILL

Thirteen Dead in Another Mass Shooting

That's OK. Small price to pay for a well-regulated militia. Besides, at any moment Obama might come and take away my gu-- wait a sec! I think I see him coming right now. Gotta run. USA! USA! USA usa usa....

BILL

Unending Fun With Benghazi

NEWS ITEM: The House committee investigating the Benghazi attacks is now the longest congressional investigation in history, the House Select Committee on Benghazi having been active for 72 weeks -- surpassing the record previously held by the Watergate Committee in the 1970's.

EDITORIAL: Bravo, I say! Bravo! We must find out if the Benghazi attacks were a violent act of religiously-fueled rage or a religiously-fueled act of violent rage. Keep the investigation going, gentlemen. The fate of a nation lies in the balance.

BILL

Some Fun FOX News Trivia

FOX News was all over – and by all over I mean daily news reports in the summer of 2001 – about a Democratic member of the House of Representative named Gary Condit, more than implying that he probably murdered a young lady named Chandra Levy. (He was later exonerated when another man was found guilty of Levy’s first-degree murder.)

I have little doubt FOX would have kept up these evidence-bereft insinuations were it not for three airliners crashing into the World Trade Center and Pentagon on 9/11/2001, relegating Condit to trivia posts such as this.

In the old days, they called this McCarthyism. I just call it “fair and balanced.”

BILL

"To The Moon, Alice!" (NOT)

I’m sure others have probably noticed this but only (“The Honeymooners”) Jackie Gleason’s Ralph Kramden could get away with repeated wife beating jokes. I see three reasons.

One, we knew without a doubt that he would never hit her. Moreover, Ralph knew that Alice knew he would never hit her. The frustration on his face was because he knew he’d never do it.

Two, it’s a safe bet that Ralph would probably kill with his bare hands anyone who harmed a hair on Alice’s head.

Finally, ever the comic pro, Gleason always had the scripts so that Alice verbally got the best of Ralph as soon as he “threatened” her.

BILL

Alcohol and Writing - A Love Story

Truman Capote
Raymond Chandler
William Faulkner
Raymond Carver
Dashiell Hammett
Ernest Hemingway
Jack Kerouac
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Eugene O'Neill
Jack London
Hunter S. Thompson
Tennessee Williams
Dorothy Parker
Edgar Allen Poe
Charles Bukowski
James Joyce
Dylan Thomas

BILL

Dad's Clean Plates: A Childhood Memory

My father always ate everything on his plate. When done, he would pick it up and lick it clean. After that he would pick up all our plates and lick each and every one of them clean. Finally – a coup de grace if you will - he would pick up his plate and devour it bite by bite, swallowing every shard of glass until his plate was entirely consumed. Then, with sweeping finality, while blood cascaded from his smiling lips, he would extend both arms and shout: “And for my next trick!!”

How he managed to repeatedly do this has forever mystified both me and my equally stunned siblings.

BILL

These Boots Were Made For Talkin'

Ever notice that the same politicians who salivate their allegiance to the military generals familiar with “boots on the ground” refuse to accord the same level of deference to the thousands of climate scientists who for decades have studied the data in their chosen field of expertise, arrogantly relegating the latter group to the status of “alarmists.”

BILL

I auditioned for Dos Equis’ “The Most Interesting Man in The World” commercials

Unfortunately they decided to go with someone who was actually interesting.

BILL

Insert Your Own Punch Line

I have been to two shooting locations for 1994’s “Dumb and Dumber” and 2014’s “Dumb and Dumber To,” each time visiting these locations prior to shooting. They are The Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, CO and Marietta Square in Marietta, GA, respectively. Moreover, costar Jeff Daniels attended the same university as I.

Draw your own conclusions.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Good Golly, I'm Defending Sarah Palin

The Daily Beast website headline reads: Sarah Palin used today’s Iran Deal rally as an opportunity to refer to #BlackLivesMatter as “the dogs.”

How drama queen of them. What Palin said was: “Since our president won’t say it, since he still hasn’t called off the dogs, we’ll say it! Police officers and first responders all across this great land, we got your back! We salute you! Thank you, police officers!”

Now while I am troubled by Palin’s amnesia as to the propensity for some police officers to be prone to shooting blacks far more than whites, the assertion by The Daily Beast was more than a bit of a stretch. Using the phrase “calling off the dogs” is not calling some people “dogs.”

(Gotta call BS no matter the political stripe….)

BILL

Why Christians Can't Own Guns For Self-Defense - A Primer

Since Jesus refused to even carry a knife and admonished Peter for using a sword, it’s clear he frowned upon weapons and wasn’t one prone to violence*. Now, if the definition of a Christian is one who follows the teachings and precepts of Christ, then it logically follows that a true Christian should roam the world unarmed.

But, if you cite what you consider legitimate reasons for needing to be armed, bully for you. Here’s to reason! Unfortunately though that means you worship someone whose judgment you deem to be less sound than your own, at which time you have lowered the concept of “reverent worship” into a pit of abject silliness.

BILL

*Excluding the time he went diva when tossing money lenders from the temple.

More Comedy Gold from The Donald! Keep 'Em Coming, Buddy!

NEWS ITEM: While Donald Trump never served in the military, he “always felt” that he had because he attended a military-themed prep school that gave him “more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military.”

EDITORIAL: Aside from this basically being an insult to everyone legitimately serving in the military, it reminds me that while I’m probably not the sexiest man in America, I’ve “always felt” I am.

BILL

The Importance of Gratitude

On his deathbed, my father clutched my hand in his, whispering in dying breaths of the importance of gratitude in life. Since that day, I’ve always been grateful whenever people give me money.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Man-to-Man Defense

NEWS ITEM: ASHLAND, Ky. (AP) — A defiant county clerk, Kim Davis, was sent to jail for contempt Thursday after insisting that her "conscience will not allow" her to follow a federal judge's orders to issue marriage licenses to gay couples.

EDITORIAL: This reminds me of the early 70s, when Bill Walton informed UCLA basketball Coach John Wooden that he had no right to tell him to get a haircut and thus Walton was refusing to get one. Wooden replied – essentially – “Well, if it’s that important to you, Bill, I respect your decision. We’re going to miss you.” Walton quickly saw the light. (Point being, Davis should resign.)

BILL

"Solitary Man"

They say prolonged solitary confinement drives a person insane. Yet I can’t escape the thought that – were I to be so confined – I would come out pretty much the same way I went in. Unfortunately, this leads me to but one conclusion: I’m already nuts.

BILL

Could It Be Magic?

By now I’m beginning to wonder if Donald Trump might in fact be working for the Democrats. With his peerless ability to alienate Latinos, he has nonetheless managed to rise to the top among the GOP ranks of presidential candidates. How are the other candidates responding? By moving more toward his position in an attempt to lure Trump voters should the Donald not seize the nomination.

With this swerve toward more harsh immigration rhetoric, however, whichever GOP candidate remains standing come November will most assuredly lose the massive Latino vote and, once again, we’ll have a Democrat as president. To that I say “Hallelujah!”

Keep on keeping on, Donald.

BILL

Racist To The Top?

And remember, Donald Trump, you may not be comfortable with the racists showing up at your campaign events, but they sure are comfortable with you.

BILL

From our "Even a Broken Clock is Right Twice a Day" File

Bravo to FOX News’s “The Kelly File” program for their policy of refusing to name mass shooters, denying them their infamy (this in the wake of yesterday’s Virginia shooter news item).

BILL

Rifling Through The Facts

NEWS ITEM: “The United States is, by a long shot, the world leader in mass shootings, claiming five percent of the global population but 31% of the world’s mass shooters since 1966, a new study found.” (Source 8/26/15 LA Times)

EDITORIAL: Welllllllllllllllll, all I’ve got to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

The Atheist/Agnostic Association of America

“We don’t do car bombs.”

(OK, this group doesn’t exist but if it did this would be a fine bumper sticker.)

BILL

Might Makes Right (Or So Say Rapists at Least....)

Donald Trump’s assertion that the U.S. could and should militarily seize oil fields in Iraq and Libya leads me to believe that he will most certainly capture the rapist contingent of voters come the primary.

BILL

Song From My Youth

Not to say my older brother Smedley disliked me but whenever he was hanging out with his friends and I’d show up he’d start singing: “He ain’t heavy; he’s a bother.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This is Gonna Bite!

My son’s an idiot. He has to get a crown and is afraid it’ll effect his sleep. Says he once read that “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.”

Gets it from his mother.

BILL

Damn, I Must've Just Clipped Him

I’m all for laws limiting guns to ten-round clips simply for the simple reason that if you can’t hit your target in ten shots you probably deserve to die.

BILL

Baby We Were Born To Steal Springsteen Lyrics

If I’m ever a helicopter traffic reporter on my first day of work I’m going to say: “The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive.”

BILL

Yeah, But It's a Dry Heat

As California endures more wildfires than ever, let’s not forget that this was one of the predictions made by those pesky climate change “alarmists.”

BILL

PS: I'm on vacation till 8/17. See ya!

I Think I'm Intellectually Bipolar

Today being the 70th anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima, I thought I would plug my novel “City of Seven Rivers.” And, hey, the deal still stands. If I know you and you buy this book or someone YOU know - obviously we'd have to prove this - buys it and does NOT like it, I will give you your money back!

http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

Why bipolar? A buddy and I have just completed a comedy screenplay called “Pornchuckers,” about a mid-80s company that clients keep on retainer where, if they die, the company goes into their home and cleans out all their porn so surviving members don’t find it.

BILL

Mel Farr Died

Best known as a running back for the Detroit Lions and UCLA Bruins, Farr was also a good friend of singer Marvin Gaye. Per today’s LA Times, both Farr and Detroit Lions defensive back Lem Barney were playing golf with Gaye when he came up with his classic “What’s Going On.” Moreover, both sang backup on the Motown recording.

If the two Pro Bowl Lions should be remembered for anything, however, it should be for encouraging Gaye to pare his song’s title down from its original: “What’s Going On? I Saw You Move Your Ball!”

BILL

"Rate My Professor" website

Few things indicate the ever-increasing stupidity of Americans like the “Hotness” factor rating for college professors. Yeah, that should be a priority.

BILL

Hang on Sloppy

My doctoral thesis, “Why Sloppy Joes Are So Sloppy” can be found online at www.BillBekkalaIsAnIdiot.com. It’s fun, enlightening reading.

BILL

My Filmic Masterpiece

When I was a youth I attempted to make my own “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” Being the pouting little weasel I was, however, it ended up being much more “The Boy Who Cried ‘Uncle.’”

BILL

The Brady Hunch

Anyone who would destroy evidence requested by the NFL in the “Deflategate” matter – as Tom Brady did with his cellphone – is guilty. So stop getting all self-righteous, Tom. That’s my domain.

This is an email, not a court of law.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Puree Genius

We should add a constitutional amendment for the right to possess a blender just to see if the open carry rifle rubes would walk around carrying blenders in public.

BILL

Not To Say We're a Violent Society But...

Perhaps we should just keep the flag at half-mast all the time and then hoist it up all the way on the rare occasion when someone doesn’t go on a killing spree. Just a thought.

BILL

And the colored girls go: “You’re right, Bill. That song sucks!"

Whenever folks accord Lou Reed’s “Walk on The Wild Side” its lofty perch in the pantheon of rock and roll, I’m quick to remind them that I could have “sung” it and have no talent whatsoever.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Ads Say It All

Few things are more telling about the conservative base and its inevitable change or die dilemma than the number of Life Alert ads on FOX News.

BILL

One day, kids today will say :

“I’m so old I remember when people used to say: ‘I’m so old I can remember when they showed videos on MTV.’”

BILL

The Donald Once Again Stepping in Sh*t

GOP Presidential candidate Donald Trump says Senator John McCain is not a “war hero” and refuses to apologize. McCain served his country admirably during a contentious war, had both arms and a leg broken upon ejecting from his aircraft, nearly drowned upon landing, had his shoulder crushed by a rifle butt by his captors, was refused medical treatment at the time, was held as a prisoner of war in solitary confinement for two years, was subjected to rope bindings and repeated beatings every two hours, while at the same time was suffering from dysentery, and to this day is unable to lift his arms properly. Many American POWs were tortured and maltreated in order to extract "confessions" and propaganda statements; virtually all of them eventually yielded something to their captors. McCain subsequently received two to three beatings weekly because of his continued refusal to sign additional statements.

This leads to the question, if this is not a war hero, what is, Lord Stepinshit?

BILL

When The Chips Are Downed

It’s a little known fact that there ARE people who actually dislike chocolate chip cookies. Scientists call these people “idiots.”

BILL

A Million Ways to Die in The West

On the morning of September 11, 2001, actor-writer-director Seth MacFarlane was scheduled to return to Los Angeles on American Airlines Flight 11 from Boston. Hung over after the previous night's celebrations that followed his speech at his alma mater and with an incorrect departure time, he arrived ten minutes too late to board the flight. Fifteen minutes after departing, flight 11 was hijacked, and at 8:46 a.m. was flown into the North Tower of the World Trade Center, killing everyone on board.

BILL

Voters Block

America is 138th of 172 nations in voter turnout.

Wellllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

(Oh, I know, I know, some might pout over my “USA!! USA!!” running gag, but, lest we forget, there’s only one political party that’s doing everything it can to keep that turnout low. Hint: It's not the Democratic party.)

BILL

How He Trumpets Himself is Hysterical (Not That He Realizes)

Donald Trump said last week: “I’m, like, really smart.” Four corporate bankruptcies aside, my favorite part of that line is the word “like.” (Like, I am so suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrre.) And, Donald, if by some remote chance you end up being president, you’ve not gotten off to a good start by calling those with whom you’ll need to work stupid/idiots. Just a thought.

BILL

Trash Talk

I still fondly recall the days of my youth when my father would plop me on his knee and regale me with tales of his upbringing, namely the fact that he had to walk three miles each and every morning to fetch dirty magazines at the dump for his father.

BILL

Flying a Flag of Insincerity

NEWS ITEM: COLUMBIA, South Carolina — More than 50 years after South Carolina raised a Confederate flag at its Statehouse to protest the civil rights movement, the rebel banner dating back to the U.S. Civil War will be removed today.

EDITORIAL: This leads to the question: How come the rubes, who claim the flag was to honor Southern heritage or Johnny Reb’s valiancy in the face of a lost cause, evidently didn’t give a shit about any of these for a hundred years up until – oddly enough - the start of the civil rights movement, you know when blacks wanted to vote ‘n stuff?

BILL

PS: And remember, kids, henceforth call it what it is and always was: the flag of treason.

My Rewrite of Gillian Flynn's "Gone Girl"

Picked this up at the library and on the back it says: “She lives in Chicago with her husband and son.”

I was expecting “She lives in Chicago with her increasingly paranoid husband and son.”

BILL

Now THERE'S a Model Prisoner:

NEWS ITEM: “A prison inmate who was wrongly released from jail early walked to an old school pal’s pub for a couple of cheeky beers before handing himself back in.”

EDITORIAL: Seriously, I’d shave a month off his sentence for honesty and another two for good sense.

BILL

Punch Line

When I was a little child my Dad said he’d open up a can of whup ass on me. I went to the store and asked for some. Boy did they laugh. Then they beat me silly.

BILL

First Thing You Know Old Jeb's a Millionaire

Hey, guess what I’m NOT going to do? Whine about Jeb Bush’s high speaking fees. If that’s what he can get, bully for him. Like the line in The Godfather: “After all, we’re not communists.”

BILL

Neutral Non Parties

The phrase “I’m not going to get into the middle of that” has served me well, save for the time I denied myself the pleasure of a threesome.

BILL

It's Not Just His Name That Doubles Down

The best thing about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s bid for President is he’s kind of his own running mate, being the size of two people.

BILL

Bud Wiser

Whenever I see scenes in movies where a guy sits at the bar drinking alone, I think to myself: “Jeez, buddy. Buy a bottle, go home and drink alone. It’s way cheaper.”

But then I realize I’m a hopeless drunk and get really depressed.

BILL

Fun With Euphemisms

Inspired by the Bush administration’s euphemism for torture, i.e. “enhanced interrogation techniques,” I have cobbled a few of my own.

Shooting: Second amendment lead insertion.

Strangulation: Non-defensive oxygen preclusion maneuver.

Battery: Rapid close quarter hyper-contact.

Auto theft: Non-regulation vehicular transfer op.

Burglary: Unsolicited possession seizure.

Rape: Third-party preemptive intimacy intrusion.

Gang rape: Multi-party preemptive intimacy intrusion.

BILL

Shoot! I'm Just Dancing The Charleston

With the Charleston bodies not all in the ground, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has just voided his state’s 48 hour (that’s hours, not days) waiting time to purchase a handgun. I’m sorry, but if you can’t wait 48 hours for a handgun and want it RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!!, you want to kill someone.

BILL

Funny Ann Coulter quote:

“Anyone who knows the first thing about military history, knows that there is no greater army that ever took the field than the Confederate Army.”

Now, Ann, I’m going to bet you actually DO know more than me about military history – war monger that you are – so I could well be wrong here, but if what you said is true, I would think we’d be whistling “Dixie” a lot more often than we currently do.

BILL

The Ads Say It All

Few things are more telling about the conservative base and its inevitable change or die dilemma than the number of Life Alert ads on FOX News.

BILL

Another Blow to The Concept of Personal Responsibility

“They were in the house of the lord, studying your word, but the devil also entered,” said Charleston Presiding Church Elder John Gillison.

(Actually it was an armed, hate-filled, racist rube, but we appreciate your input.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

In the Wake of Charleston

Those who display the Confederate flag under the guise of, say, “Southern Heritage” or remembrance of the Johnny Rebs who gave their lives (in support of slavery, they never add) or states’ rights or whatever, need to be reminded that it is NOT a false equivalency to state that one could similarly advocate displaying the Nazi flag for parallel reasons (the Nazis fervent love of country, their stalwart ambition, their belief in something greater than themselves, their dedication to a cause, etc. etc.) What one needs to focus upon, however, is that the evil inherent in “all things Nazi” trumps whatever tenuous reasons one can otherwise list. In the same way, literally killing to sustain the moral abomination that was slavery trumps any of the other “positive” reasons to fly the Confederate flag. (To parse it even further, it’s the same reason the joke “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?” works so well.) One can just as easily list Adolf Hitler’s many inarguably fine qualities. Charismatic, ambitious, a leader, passionate, blah-blah-blah. They all crumble before the gruesome altar of his inherent evil. To actually DESIRE to fly the Confederate flag knowing all this? Truly the hallmark of a racist rube. Fly the American flag, rubes, and call it a day. The Confederate one has no place here.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Bush Whacking

“When they were young, Jeb was somebody for George to torture.”

John Ellis, their cousin in “The Bushes: Portrait of a Dynasty”

(I get it. He’s speaking metaphorically but, lest we forget, George W. would later advocate torture during his presidency. Whoops! My faux pas! I meant “enhanced interrogation technique.”)

BILL

Conservative Love of Liberal Media

Ever notice conservative Republicans ALWAYS use campaign theme songs written and performed by liberal Democrats? (Jackson Browne, Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp, etc.) At least until they get the cease and desist order I mean. The reason for this, of course, is the dearth of songs inspired by the flat tax. So thank you, Donald “Comedy Gold” Trump for proving my point once again by using liberal Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” during his hilarious campaign announcement yesterday. (Per today’s LA Times, Young stated that Trump did this without permission.) C’mon, conservatives! Give your gun fetish man Ted Nugent the gig. (Oh, that’s right, he’s never written a decent song.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Mind Draws a Blank

Not the type to get physically aroused by guns, only yesterday did I become aware of “smart guns”, i.e. firearms with the embedded technology to ensure that only the actual gun owner can fire the gun. One thought rocketed immediately to mind: This is such an unquestionably brilliant and ingenious use of technology that the National Rifle Association will simply have to be opposed to it.

(They are.)

BILL

One Side Fits All

Abortion opponents’ fervent concern for whatever pain a fetus might endure is trumped only by their staggering apathy to the prolonged pain a mother endures in childbirth, especially one denied the right to an abortion due to her inability to run the gauntlet of the ever-increasing restrictions on same.

BILL

The Rubes' (Mental) Slips

I’m always befuddled by the rifle rubes – not most rifle owners, just the rubes - who carry, say, an assault weapon in public and when asked why they’re doing so respond: “Because I can!” Leaving aside the matter of just how mentally ill does one have to be to walk about in public carrying an assault weapon in the wake of so many mass shootings, such individuals need to be told: “You can carry a can of tomato paste, too but I don’t see you doing that.”

BILL

How Democrats Can Once Again Take The White House

President Obama needs to announce an executive order forbidding gun-toting birthers from ever blowing their brains out. Oh, what am I talking about? GOP! Just keep doing what you’re doing!

BILL

It's a Small World

But I wouldn’t want to paint it. (A Steven Wright joke.)

My two degree of separation from Charles Manson. A friend of a friend back in the 80s who knew Manson when he did time in the joint.

And having shaken the hand of Vincent Bugliosi at two of his book signings. The former prosecutor is the reason Manson is behind bars. We can thank him for that as well as for being the author of “Outrage: The Five Reasons Why O.J. Simpson Got Away With Murder” and “Divinity of Doubt: The God Question,” wherein he explains that the only logical position re the existence of god is one of doubt. And, finally, “Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy,” wherein he chainsaws the conspiracy buffs – of which I used to be a member - to shreds.

A good man, he died yesterday. May he rest in peace.

BILL

Texas Should Change It's Slogan To:

Don’t mess with Texas; We’re already a mess.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Women often describe me as dashing...

… away from them after having stolen their purse.

BILL

Third Time's The Least Charming

Three times in my life a bird has shit on my head. The weird part though is each time it’s been the same goddamn bird!!

BILL

Junior Walkers

Whenever I see a pedestrian being written up for a jaywalking violation I have the same thought: Somewhere a rapist is laughing.

BILL

"Get out of here chop-chop!"

This was the line my boss yelled at me the day I brought some customers to the show room at Smitty’s Ceiling Fans and said to them: “And this one we call The Vic Morrow.”

BILL

I Could Just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!

I am so angry!! As I told you earlier I found out I was lined up for poinsettia eradication during this year’s War on Christmas. What I just learned, however, was that originally I was going to be part of the anti-caroling sheet music theft squadron. But a friend told me that, due to my small-minded Field Marshal being upset with me over a comment I made about his beloved Broncos, I was suddenly reassigned to poinsettia eradication. As anyone knows, poinsettia eradication is far more time-consuming and way, way less fun than anti-caroling sheet music theft. I am simply irate!!! And I was so not looking forward to Christmas.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL

Party Time!

Those claiming there is no difference between the two political parties have let the head of their cynicism swallow the tail of their intellect.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I am SO SICK of fighting with my ex over what she deems “joint property.”

Screw it. She can keep my weed.

BILL

Of Clingons

An early draft of the “Star Trek” pilot has Spock delivering the line “Live long and prosper,” followed by “Bones” McCoy responding (in character I might add): “But not so long that you need someone else to wipe your ass.”

Not unwisely, producers decided to cut the second part.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

"The Wizard of Id"

Call this a tad racy on my part, but I’ve always felt that when the Scarecrow in “The Wizard of Oz” said “Of course, people do go both ways,” what he was REALLY hinting at was that people turn both left and right when racing.

BILL

Return Your Binkies to Their Upright Position, Pats Fans!

Patriots fans whining “Circumstantial evidence!!” re the Tom Brady “Deflategate” scandal need to be reminded this was not a criminal trial. Rather it was a binding decision made by the Commissioner, said decisions being an element of a contract to which Tom Brady himself signed off on when he joined the NFL.

BILL

Tom, You Let Me Down Like a Deflated Football

OK, Tom Brady, I get it. You deny any involvement in “Deflategate.” Now, if you’ll simply state that if you did have prior knowledge it would automatically render you a cheating weasel we’ll be good to go.

BILL

Cos and Effect

Hey, Bill Cosby! Yelling “Stop it!” at your comedy show hecklers is (unfortunately) something rape victims can’t do once they’ve been drugged. Get it now?

BILL

Wow! I did NOT know this!

A recent Stanford study showed that a small fraction of people declared dead in the operating room were revived to life if Stevie Wonder’s 1977 hit “Sir Duke” was played sufficiently loud.

That stated, just because a record has a groove don’t make it in the groove.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

These Boots Were Made For Talking

My problem with those so eager to put “boots on the ground” as their default foreign policy setting is their almost always proven history of having made sure it was never their boots.

BILL

Verily I Say Unto You:

Those claiming there is no difference between the two political parties have let the head of their cynicism swallow the tail of their intellect.

BILL

Whenever people say to me:

"God, you're an idiot," I respond: “Have you considered that YOU might be the idiot if you deem me to be God?”

BILL

Insert Your Own Punch Line

We're now at two Presidential hopefuls – Rick Perry and Ted Cruz – who have (essentially) compared themselves to Galileo.

I shouldn’t be too hard on them. I’ve often compared myself to John Kennedy. I mean, we both have four and seven letters in our first and last name.

BILL BEKKALA

PS: Note deft avoidance of hole in the head joke.

War on Christmas

My field marshal sent a coded message my way, informing me that we’ll be starting much, much earlier this year. (OK, I’ll admit it, FOX News. The war on Christmas is real, OK? You caught us. Big deal!) Worse though, he’s planning on assigning me to poinsettia eradication. Poinsettia eradication!! My god I’m going to be busy!!

BILL

Jenny, Don't Be a Hero

Per front page headline of the 4/22/15 LA Times, the last possibility that immunizations could cause autism – in toddlers known to have an elevated risk – has been refuted by experts. Those claiming otherwise can go back to what they were doing. Probably watching “Dog” the Bounty Hunter.

BILL

Fun Fact I Learned Today:

Upon the suggestion that placing Japanese American civilians into concentration camps starting in 1942 might be unconstitutional, U.S. Assistant Secretary of War John J. McCloy responded: “The Constitution is just a scrap of paper to me.”

BILL

What's In a Name?

Is it me or should we all be a little suspicious due to the White House Press Secretary actually being named Josh Earnest?

BILL

Upon Dr. Lecter’s capture...

… Winston fell to his knees, retching uncontrollably, all the while recalling the frequency with which Hannibal had served finger food at his soirees.

BILL

I'm Bill Bekkala and I Approve This Message

Today, I announce my candidacy for the office of President of The United States. Because of a recent traumatic brain injury I sustained I will be running as a “Tea Party” Republican.

It’s important that you know where I stand on the issues. Or at least where I stand when not standing in the waiting room of GOP contributor Sheldon Adelson, the eighth richest man in the world.

I stand for welfare reform. And when I say reform I mean: doing away with it completely. That’s right, I’ll say the words: I am against welfare. Except corporate welfare, of course. Hey, I’m not stupid.

On my first day in office I’ll form a blue ribbon commission tasked with monitoring anything the Reverend Jeremiah Wright says, because there is nothing more critical during these perilous times than knowing what might pass from the lips of a cranky old black preacher whom the Kenyan once knew.

Also on that first day, my young third wife will pin a second flag pin on my lapel mere moments after I take the oath of office. Yes, I will symbolically “double down’ on my patriotism the day I enter the Oval Office. Won’t you join me?

This one’s for all you acolytes of so-called “climate change.” No, I do not believe the alarmist predictions of climate scientists who have studied the data for decades. I believe the non-scientist hotties of FOX News. Especially the blond ones. Now this might sound somewhat odd to the layman but at least I’m consistent. For example, when I need tax advice I turn to my butcher, Carlton. When I need an oil change for my, yes, American built car, I drive to a flower shop. And when our daughter Kimberly suffered a collapsed lung and severe internal bleeding, we went to Enzo, our pastry chef. My wife and I miss our little Kimberly each and every day.

As for Benghazi, I reject the findings of a Republican committee which concluded that there was no there there. (And, by the way, you Republican committee members, does the word “traitor” mean anything to you?) But back to Benghazi, my constituents want to know – beyond any doubt whatsoever - if this incident was a 9/11 commemoration or anger over a film considered by some to be anti-Islamic. Because there is a difference, one being a violent act of religiously-fueled rage, the other a religiously-fueled act of violent rage. Let’s hold more hearings, shall we? The truth must come out!

Now I see members of the press in the crowd, each of them itching to ask me their “gotcha” question. Just the other day while I was out walking my dog a reporter asked me if my house was on fire and I could save either my rifle or my dog, which would I save? Well, you all know my reply because it went viral the next day: I sicced my dog on him. (Smile – wave – most importantly, POINT - during laughs.) So you lame-stream media types best beware.

My stand on abortion has been resolute for decades: there is nothing, I’ll say it again, nothing I hold more dear – other than my gun of course – than the tiny speck of goo growing inside a woman’s body or what I like to call women: “baby machines.” But be forewarned, my fetal reverence does come with an expiration date. It’s called a birthday. Yes, once the little tyke emerges from the holy warmth of the womb and into the cold, hard, brutal world, he’s on his own, frankly, and I could not care less what happens to him. Hungry? Homeless? Sick? Unattended because both parents work two jobs? Whine on, junior. It troubles me none. To do so would be to create a “culture of dependency” in the words of our savior. OK, maybe Jesus didn’t say that but I’m pretty sure he’d agree with me. He did say, “Suffer, children.” That much I know.

Yes, my name is Bill Bekkala, and like Joe Walsh some years back I’m running for President and would appreciate your vote. Assuming you’re properly registered and can present photo I.D. at the polls in order to help mitigate the scourge of voter fraud which I’m told occurs every few years. Thank you.

BILL

FOX News Andrea Tantaros' Two Layers of Stupid

Not only did she deem Hillary Clinton’s stop at a Chipotle “Hispanic outreach” but, in doing so, insulted the intelligence of every Hispanic voter. You go, FOX News!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Screw Prudence

I’ve always felt Ringo was the coolest of The Beatles. Unless we’re talking body temperature, in which case it would be either John or George.

BILL

Seriously, people need to stop doing this:

Giving one star, i.e. a terrible review to a movie or DVD or CD because they had technical issues with their player and could not watch/listen to it.

BILL

Ol’ Blue Eyes & Me - My Dream at 5:29 Thur. 4/16/15 (Seriously.)

My roomy is Frank Sinatra. (Guess the recent HBO documentary has something to do with it. How should I know?)

Frank ambles into the room, looking restless and jumpy. “C’mon, let’s go do something,” he says.

“I don’t know, Frank,” I reply. “I kind of live a boring life even though it never bores me. How that’s possible will forever elude me.” He says nothing. “I like to take long walks,” I say as way of a suggestion.

He stares at me with those blue eyes, as if about to say something like “Good Christ, you really are boring.” Just then my 5:30 alarm goes off and I awaken, never to know what Frank Sinatra was about to say.

BILL

I Think He Does and Has One WACKY Sense of Humor

I wonder if FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly gets the irony of his being executive producer for a show called “Legends & Lies: The Real West.”

BILL

Billy Buzz Kill Alert

“This week, while millions of Americans scrape the bottoms of their savings accounts and the tops of their credit card limits to pay their share of taxes, the House (Editorial: Remember, it’s Republican House now.) will vote on a bill to fully repeal the estate tax. If it passes, the measure would redistribute an average of about $3 million a year to the wealthiest 0.2% of households in America — or about 5,000 rich families. With that in mind, enjoy Tax Day.”

(From an op-ed piece by Erika Eichelberger in today’s Los Angeles Times)

November Mourn

This California Democrat will only be voting in the June primary, not the November election. Hillary will understand though. Voting twice is inconvenient.

BILL

What's Good For the Gander is Good For the Gander

NEWS ITEM: Despite his being born in Canada, most believe Senator Ted Cruz is eligible to serve as President because his mother was a U.S. citizen living in the U.S. for more than 10 years (as required by the Nationality Act of 1940).

EDITORIAL: “Most” is not all, my friends. May I be the first to say we need proof of 3,650 days of Ted’s mother actually residing within the land mass known as The United States of America? How do we know for an absolute, irrefutable fact that she did not spend any time outside the US during this critical juncture? She could have been residing in any number of places. Like, oh, I don’t know… Kenya maybe! And, yes, I’m talking 3,650 separate, verifiable documents proving she was here at the time. To do otherwise is to ingloriously squat over our hallowed Constitution and relinquish the contents of one’s fetid bowels.

In the spirit of “Where’s the birth certificate?” might I propose “Where are the 3,650 separate documents of certification?”

Now… who’s with me?!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Myth-Busting 101

When someone states: “I don’t believe it’s right to judge others,” reply: So you’ve never voted then?

BILL

Perhaps From This You Will Extract Hope:

Two years before they flew and well into their attempts to fly, Wilbur Wright confessed to his brother Orville that man would not fly for fifty years.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Am I Alone in This?!

The shameless temerity of the University of California at Irvine to nickname its team the Aunteaters is insensitive and altogether mocking in its blithe acceptance of cannibalism. Besides that there is —er, wait. Oh, Anteaters. Well, that’s very different, isn’t it?

(never mind)

BILL

Cc: Emily Litella

Shaken Not Stirred

NEWS ITEM: LOS ANGELES (AP) — Scientists are virtually certain California will be rocked by a strong earthquake in the next 30 years, the risk of a mega-quake more likely than previously thought.

The chance of a magnitude-8 quake striking the state in the next three decades jumped to 7 percent from 4.7, mainly because scientists took into account the possibility that several faults can shake at once, releasing seismic energy that results in greater destruction.

EDITORIAL: Should this calamity come to pass, I can only hope and pray Obama will be wearing his flag pin.

BILL

Blathering? Bladdering? Who's to say?

I’m forever amused by those moments when you are engaged in a really, really long phone conversation with someone and – all of a sudden - you hear them get up and walk for a while, just before you hear the sound of their voice echoing ever slightly and it dawns on you that they are now speaking to from an abandoned mineshaft.

BILL

More Comedy Gold From Ted!

US Senator Ted Cruz intends to abolish the Internal Revenue Service. Aides say Cruz would replace the agency with a tax collection division in the Treasury Department.

Treasury already has a tax collection division. It’s called the IRS.

BILL

Drowning Him in Praise

NEWS ITEM: President Obama praised the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy at the opening of the Institute named after him by recalling how Kennedy would “howl at injustice on the Senate floor like a force of nature.”

EDITORIAL: Evidently, our President is overlooking the fact that Teddy’s zeal for justice and doing the right thing was in short supply in 1969 when he drove off a bridge at Chappaquiddick and – yes, unbelievable though this sounds - didn’t even try to save Mary Jo Kopechne from drowning inside.

BILL

Fun Fact I Learned:

“In Josef Stalin’s Russia, all studies of the past were forced to fit into predetermined politics.”

(But enough about Texas.)

BILL

Nice One, Starbucks!

Yeah, let's start a conversation on a volatile issue like race while we’re all holding scalding liquids in our hands.

BILL

And Folks Wonder Why It's Called the "Stupid" Party

NEWS ITEM: Officials working in Florida's Department of Environmental Protection were banned from using the words "climate change," "global warming," and "sea-level rise" under Republican state governor Rick Scott, according to a new report by the Florida Center for Investigative Reporting. Kristina Trotta, a former DEP employee, said that her regional administrator told her and her colleagues that they were no longer allowed to use the terms in 2011. Officials were reportedly told that sea-level rise was to be euphemistically referred to as "nuisance flooding."

Spokespeople for the DEP and the governor's office said that there was no policy on the use of the terms, but four former officials told the FCIR that the unwritten order was well known and distributed verbally statewide. Officials were reportedly warned against using the terms in reports in case they "would bring unwanted attention to their projects," and were told not to reference anything that "was not a true fact" in economic reports, educational materials, and environmental reports that were used to set energy and business policies.

EDITORIAL: You simply cannot get this kind of comic insanity from Democrats these days. Benghazi? Hillary Clinton’s email? Yeah, they’re laugh factories.

BILL

PS – Be honest. You thought I made up the news item, right? Right??

"I'm a Patriot!!"

Frankly, I’m always a little hesitant to say this. I mean, the Nazis were big on patriotism, OK?

Oh, hell, what am I talking about? Hey, if it’s good enough for the Nazis it’s good enough for me. I’m a patriot!!!

BILL

Granted, I don't know ANY of the members of the Afghan mob...

… numbering in an estimated thousands who beat a mentally ill woman senseless with planks and stones before setting her ablaze yesterday for allegedly setting a Koran on fire, but I highly doubt any of them were atheists.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Not MY Fault, It's Those Damn Reporters!

NEWS ITEM: Congressman Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock is resigning from Congress amid controversy over alleged unethical spending of campaign contributions and taxpayer money.

Schock says that “constant questions” have become a distraction and made it too difficult for him to serve the people who elected him.
Revelations of extravagant spending (including his Downton Abbey-inspired office), questionable payments to donors, and inappropriately categorized expenses landed Schock under the microscope.

New details emerged about a business deal between a political donor and a shell company that has been linked to Schock – raising even more suspicion of potentially dishonest practices.

EDITORIAL: Actually, my favorite part of this story was when initially queried about his questionable spending of tax dollars, he responded on camera “Haters gonna hate.” No, you child, reporters gonna report.

BILL

But to Get Back to Benghazi:

9/11 commemoration or anger over film deemed anti-Islamic?

Because there is a difference, the former being a violent act of religiously-fueled rage whereas the latter is a religiously-fueled act of violent rage.

Let’s hold more hearings, shall we? The truth must come out!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

In My Ongoing Series

NEWS ITEM: MIAMI (AP) — Talk show host Rodner Figueroa was fired from Univision after saying that Michelle Obama looks like someone from the cast of "Planet of the Apes."

EDITORIAL: I don’t believe this story because Fox News says racism is over and FOX News is never wrong.

BILL

I'm Mourning Joe's Exculpatory "Reasoning"

NEWS ITEM: The FOX News program "Fox & Friends" linked Attorney General Eric Holder to the recent shooting of two police officers in Ferguson, Missouri.

EDITORIAL: Congratulations, “Fox & Friends!” You too now advocate the theory put forth by MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, “Morning Joe” all but excusing the racist rants of the OU frat boys, painting them as helpless babes brainwashed by the coarser elements of rap music. Your assertion that the reprehensible Ferguson, Missouri cop shooter was influenced by the Attorney General bolsters the “I’m-Not-Responsible” defense of accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, who claims to have fallen under the “spell” of his older brother. If young Dzhokhar is acquitted, will you deem it a victory for justice?

(Yes, the societal cancer of the denial of personal responsibility continues, this time FOX News carrying the banner.)

BILL

Thanks, Morning Joe!

NEWS ITEM: MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” weighed in on the fallout over a video showing members of Oklahoma University’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon participating in a racist chant, suggesting that the students were picking up cues from rap music they listen to.

EDITORIAL: You’ve just given credence to accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s defense that he had fallen under the “spell” of his older brother. If he’s acquitted, can we anticipate your cheers?

BILL

No Spine Zone

I don’t believe recent reports disputing Bill O’Reilly’s repeated claims to having witnessed firsthand violent events in dangerous, war-torn lands, for Bill O’Reilly dwells in a “No Spin Zone,” where manipulating events to one’s advantage is verboten. Besides, Bill O’Reilly works for Fox News. And Fox News is never wrong.

BILL

I Don't Believe The Racist Frat House Video

Only a fool would believe reports about the University of Oklahoma’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity’s footage of frat members singing lynching tunes. I believe this footage was, in fact, a special effects concoction created by the “lame-stream” media. I believe this because FOX News says racism is over. And FOX News is never wrong.

BILL

I Don't Believe The Racist Ferguson, Missouri E-Mails

Because FOX News said racism was over and they’re never wrong.

BILL

Hey Everybody, Who Remembers When We DIDN'T Wear Seat Belts?!?

I mean, obviously, aside from those who were killed for not wearing seat belts.

BILL

A Thought That Forever Warms My Heart

When he knew they were coming up to kill him, Osama bin Laden’s heart racing like those trapped in the World Trade Center.

BILL

Great Scott Comedy Writers!

NEWS ITEM: OXON HILL, Md. (AP) — Republican Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said Thursday that his experience taking on thousands of protesters in his state helped prepare him to take on terrorists across the world.

EDITORIAL: Because we all know there is no difference between union school teachers and folks who put people into cages and set them on fire. (Or behead them if time is short.) Yes, this is the kind of nuanced mind we need in the Oval Office.

BILL

Oscar Snubbed Me

Oscar Wilson. In 1972. At the school picnic. Something about missing pieces from his electric football set. Weasel.

BILL

Try This Some Time:

When a phone conversation is dragging on way longer than you’d like, say: “Listen, I gotta run. I need to find out what a cranky, old preacher who Obama knew many years ago might be saying.”

BILL

What?! We haven’t defeated terror YET?!

C’mon, troops! Step up your game! I’ve defeated many intangible concepts all by myself!

BILL

Begin Being Self-Absorbed Again

So this otherwise fine film – “Begin Again” - ends. (Or does it?) Goes to complete black. “Written and Directed by John Carney” in white on black.

CUT TO: The movie continues but only on the right half of the screen. The rest of the credits of the entire cast and crew (excluding John Carney of course) are on the left side of the screen (maybe vice versa; I don’t recall). But none of us are reading these because we’re still watching the movie!! How disrespectful to everyone else who worked on “his” film.

BILL

Let's Start a Movement!

Don’t send money to universities until they wear only two different football/basketball uniforms: home and away. Their doing otherwise is a smoking gun of: “We have plenty of cash to spend. See?“

(Pass it on.)

BILL

Never Thought I'd Write These Words

But the moment I’m supposed to feel pride in my country has degraded to sheer embarrassment, that being the singing of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Two minutes of solemn reverence for country and for those who have fought and died for our freedom has corroded into a self-indulgent, cringe-inducing endurance spell of “What’s about to happen?” Will the singer show off his or her – and oh how I wish I coined this phrase: “vocal gymnastics” in a shameless display of “it’s all about me, not my country?” (Why ask: we know they will.) Will booze-filled rowdies yell out in drunken, Pavlovian response when the video screen shows their favorite player? (Why ask: we know they will.) Will Bill go on and on about this? (He doesn’t have to; you get the point.)

GRAMPS

PS: I concede that this does not apply to the great majority of fans. Yet the embarrassment adheres. Whitney Houston, RIP.

Little Caesar’s Bacon Wrapped Pizza

Because, America, we don’t think you’re fat enough.

BILL

Man, I'm an Idiot!

I just found out what a “nip slip” is. I thought it was what GIs said if a Japanese soldier tripped during World War II.

BILL

Let’s Start a Rumor!

“UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion is named after comedian Pauly Shore.”

(Sure, the timeline and spellings don’t match, but since when have rumors been fact-based?)

BILL

The other day I was asked:

“Do you believe the earth is round?”

I responded: “I’m going to punt on that one since I’m not a scientist and there still exists a Flat Earth Society.”

BILL

"Today I'm Gong To STICK IT TO THE MAN!!!"

This was the thought with which I awakened until realizing I work for a major Southern Californian financial institution, whereupon I shuffled off to the kitchen and brewed my typical morning pot of coffee.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

I love telling jokes to Alzheimer’s patients. They laugh again and again and again and again….

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Now-now, Little Kanye

I think someone needs a timeout. A “swift” timeout. Get it? Swift? Where’s baby’s binkie? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeere’s baby’s binkie? THERE it is! OK, back into your playpen, little Kanye, until you learn to behave.

BILL

Infernal Affairs

I see ISIS now burning someone alive in a cage and I think to myself “Wow! What sort of ‘mind’ set would unleash such primitively barbaric cruelty upon another human being?” before coming to my senses and realizing the answer, of course, is “religion.”

Silly me.

BILL

Home of The Brave Alert

NEWS ITEM: A 9-year-old boy who boasted to a classmate that he could make him vanish has disappeared himself – from school. Fourth-grader Aiden Steward was suspended from his elementary school in Kermit, Texas, on Friday, one day after making the alleged “terroristic threat,” as the Odessa American describes it, of promising another child he’d render him invisible with his fictional “one ring” from the J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy series The Lord of the Rings.

EDITORIAL: Texas. It’s like a whole ‘nother country.

BILL

A Bug In His System of Dating

There would be no second date. Fenster knew this beyond all certainty, fair Claudia having nuzzled him along his ear, only to discover his pet cockroach, Barney.

BILL

WHAT was Pete Carroll THINKING??!!!!

“I want three shots at a touchdown. Three plays.”

Pass on the first play, i.e. second down. If incomplete, clock stops.

Run on second down. Not even necessarily Lynch. If stopped, burn your last time out.

Run or pass on fourth down, letting the chips fall where they may.

“Three plays to go one yard and if we can’t make it, maybe we don’t deserve to win.”

Doesn’t seem so crazy now, does it? All of it, however, is predicated upon not being intercepted on that first play, which unfortunately for Pete, happened. That’s why I concede the first play is a MAJOR gamble and, while no one is expecting it, no one expects you to punt on first down either.

My only thought is I’m not sure I would have chucked it into eleven yards of congested territory but to state this is the very essence of Monday Morning Quarterbacking which I tend to look down upon. Cut me some slack.

BILL

PS: Oh! And in case you’re wondering, I was rooting for New England.

Life is Fraught With Humiliation

Both petty and grand. The one that still adheres however is the “atomic” wedgie unleashed upon me by a rabid pack of seven-year olds, my tear-streaked, red-faced embarrassment still fresh in my mind despite the incident having happened well over a week ago.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

If You Can't Take The Heat, Get Out of The Burka

(But if you do, we’ll stone you to death.) Whenever I see women in Saudi Arabia wearing head-to-toe black tents in 100-degree plus heat I say to myself “Wow! What sort of ‘mind’ set would enforce such off-the-meter callous insanity?” before coming to my senses and realizing the answer, of course, is “religion.”

Silly me.

BILL

1/28/15 @BillBekkala tweet:

Marshawn Lynch: Per your Media Day audition we are honored to admit you to Gil Jones Clown Academy. Bring your own tricycle and rubber nose.

History Repeats Itself

First as tragedy. Second as farce. Third as cheesy History Channel mini-series.

BILL

Fun Fact:

NEWS ITEM: Atheists were almost absent from our prison population as of the late 1990s, comprising less than half of one-percent of those behind bars, according to Federal Bureau of Prisons statistics. This echoes what the criminology field has documented for more than a century: the (religiously) unaffiliated and the non-religious engage in far fewer crimes. (1/15/15 Los Angeles Times)

EDITORIAL: Godless heathens…

BILL

Having FINALLY seen "The Devil Wears Prada"...

I think “Unbroken” should have been called “The Devil Wears Khaki.”

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

So my 86-year-old mother calls me, all excited that she’s finally “cancer free.” I say: “Hey! I’ve been cancer free my whole LIFE but you don’t see me walking around bragging about it.”

BILL

Taylor-Made Vanity

At HBO’s Golden Globes after-party, singer Taylor Swift was (quoting from the LA Times) “encircled by stern bodyguards wearing earpieces.” Gee, dear, I didn’t know you were a target for assassination.

BILL

1/15/15 @BillBekkala tweet:

Before you start talking Oscar snubs you must BY NECESSITY first say who you’d pull from the five, a far higher bar than whining about “snubs.”

Duh! I Guess I Didn't Think This All The Way Through

Has it occurred to the street-blocking “Black Lives Matter” protesters that, by the very act of obstructing a public thoroughfare, what they are also saying is: “But the lives of those we’re blocking, no matter their color, don’t?”

BILL

The Difference Between Thinking and Believing

Too many parents, prompted by the likes of high school graduate, talk show host and onetime Playmate of The Month Jenny McCarthy, believe that measles immunizations cause autism, a notion repeatedly discredited by what we call “scientists.” (These are people both educated in and devoted to a thing called “science.”) Anyway, I’m digressing. Today’s banner headline on page one, above-the-fold in the Los Angeles Times is “Perfect Storm For Measles Outbreak.” The article cites the alarming resurgence of measles, the domestic transmission of which was zero in 2000. But, thanks to Jenny and her believers, statistics show that fewer parents are getting their children immunized. Soooooooooo, guess which disease is officially on the comeback trail? Yes, measles!!

Thank you, Doctor Jenny! I think I see a position at FOX News in your future….

BILL

Three Reasons Why President Obama Did Not March in Paris

1) Lee

2) Harvey

3) Oswald

BILL

He Man Women Haters Club

NEWS ITEM: An international Delta Airlines flight was reportedly delayed for roughly half an hour on Friday when several ultra-Orthodox Jewish men refused to sit next to female passengers.
Israel Radio first reported that Delta Flight 468, bound for Tel Aviv's Ben Gurion Airport from John F. Kennedy Airport, took off 30 minutes after its scheduled departure time due to commotion onboard. Several Haredi, or ultra-Orthodox men, refused to sit in their assigned seats, which placed them next to women. But other passengers also refused to swap seats with the men, causing the prolonged delay.

EDITORIAL: Ah yes, religion….

BILL

I Don't Mind Growing Old; I Mind Growing Ugly

When I look back at the years, few things sadden me more than the fact that, shackled as I was by the chains of a child’s inferiority complex, I once believed myself to be ugly. Why this saddens me is – with the wisdom of longevity – I now know, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that I am truly, truly eye-averting hideous.

BILL

Judgment to Rush

Can someone please explain to this racist the concept of “false equivalency?” Rush’s head seems to be exploding over the thought of a black man playing James Bond. He insists Bond should be white. His “logic” below:

“There’s no racism intended here," added Limbaugh. "I have no bias whatsoever against Idris Elba. I think he’s a great actor. It isn’t even about him. This is about this girl (Editorial: note the term “girl” to downplay the achievement of a “woman” who has risen to the top of the Hollywood food chain through brains, savvy, and will) Amy Pascal who thinks he would be a great James Bond and we know why she says. She’s trying to buy off Al Sharpton. She’s trying to buy off any of the other hustlers because she’s in trouble.”

Limbaugh also restated that if a white actor portrayed an African-American it would not be accepted the same way.
"I simply asked an associated question," said Limbaugh. "Would it be accepted if the movie of the life and times of Barack Obama was cast? Pick any white actor. ... Pick [George] Clooney. Clooney would be honored by the way to do it. Do you think that the Al Sharptons of the world would sit idly by and applaud it? We know that it wouldn’t be acceptable."

Rush, here’s the difference. Obama is real; James Bond is not. Bond is dress up and make believe!!!!! Now, again, crawl back into your den of hate and preach to the rubes.

BILL

Two Great Thinkers

“The only thing I know is the extent of my own ignorance.”
(Socrates)

“Man, I can be an idiot!”
(Bill Bekkala)

BILL

Bill's Guarantee of Happiness

Feeling low? I believe this will make you feel better instantaneously! Place your headphones on and play your favorite music. Maybe that treasured CD you haven’t listened to in years. Then stroll all alone into the forest near that special waterfall, the sweet sound of which never fails to soothe your soul. Then stumble and fall into a ridiculously huge pile of one-hundred dollar bills.

BILL

NEWS ITEM: 2-Year-Old Shoots & Kills Mother Inside Wal-Mart

Some call it tragedy; I call it Darwinism.

This woman lit the stupid fuse long ago and it finally exploded.

Feel sorry for the kid. The woman, for the propagation of the species, was meant to culled from the herd.

BILL

PS: Hey! Here’s a thought. Keep a loaded gun around a two-year old.

Caught "Unbroken" Over The Weekend

Yes, pretty intense. The water-boarding sequences were really difficult to watch because I kept finding myself siding with the Japanese who, let’s face it, were just trying to get some straight answers.

BILL