Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From The 9/11 Terrorists

- Live for today!
- Just like the Boys Scouts, always keep a sharp blade handy
- Take one for the team.
- Be brave!
- Aim high!
- When it comes to walls, heed The Doors and “Break on through to the other side.”
- Every now and then just go a little crazy!
- Be sincere in your religious beliefs.
- Sacrifice for causes you believe in.
- Don’t worry about smooth landings, just fly like there’s no tomorrow!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Who's On First II

Got into a wicked argument about 9/11 with my friend Ben Gozzi. He called 9/11 an “act of terror.”

“No, it wasn’t,” I replied, exasperation showing right from the get go. “It was terrorism, not an act of terror! What are you crazy?”

“What’s the difference?” Ben asked, looking confused.

“The difference is that one is terrorism and the other is an act of terror!”

“And how would you define terrorism?”

“To engage in acts of terror.”

We went back and forth on this until we each realized we couldn’t remember which side either of us was on. Oh well.

BILL

I'm Always "Amused" By This Q&A:

Question: What was Elliot Rodger before he went on his Isla Vista killing rampage? Answer: a law-abiding citizen.

BILL

Watch for me on Access Hollywood!

In the final preparation stage of my ambush of the best man’s toast at the Kanye West/Kim Kardashian wedding reception, wherein I shall pledge my undying love to Taylor Swift. It’s gonna be great!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Billy Buzz Kill Alert:

Two-thirds of the screenwriters of “Animal House” are dead. Harold Ramis recently and the suicide of Doug Kenney (the Harvard-educated co-founder of National Lampoon magazine) back in 1980. Ramis had I think one of the nicest quotes about a person ever uttered: “Doug was such a gracious guy -- he had this incisive, killer humor. You knew he could destroy you if he wanted to. Part of his grace was in not destroying you.”

BILL

PS – Unfortunately, Kenney leaped off a cliff to his death in Hawaii, sparking Ramis – evidently incapable of resisting a zinger no matter the target - to say of his friend: “Doug probably slipped looking for a place to jump.”


Twitter: @BillBekkala

HEADLINE: Turkey Mine Disaster Highlights Poor Safety Record

NEWS ITEM: The mine explosion in western Turkey that has claimed 283 lives so far and 140 missing could become the nation's worst ever mining disaster, prompting calls from the opposition to investigate poor safety standards.

EDITORIAL: But that would be deemed “big government hindering freedom” and that would just be wrong. So can we just get more body bags then? Hey! We needs more body bags! You! Over here! More body bags! Will someone, for the love of Pete, get me some more body bags!?”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Daddy, what’s ‘irony’ mean?

Irony, son, would be when you illegally download “12 Years a Slave.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Should The Day Arrive When I Need to Use a Cane...

… I’m going to buy a monocle and top-hat just to go all out.

BILL

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Who cares about the US Postal Service? The Defense Department spent $683.7 billion last year and has yet to show a profit!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Not Raw Humor

It’s a little known fact that actor Kevin Bacon declined doing harsher drugs in high school for the simple fact that he did not want to become known as “fried Bacon.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Of Jury Duty

Should you ever find yourself returning from jury duty – and by that I mean having gone into the jury room and arriving at a verdict – only to encounter someone later who, basking in a hot tub of ignorance as to the facts of the case, has the temerity to say: “Did you throw the book at them?!” (or words to that effect), have the courage to look them in the eye and say:

“You know how you read about cases where someone is freed from prison after languishing there for decades, and then DNA finally proves beyond all doubt that they were innocent of the charge all along, as they and a variety of alibis claimed and you say to yourself, ‘Wow! How were they ever found guilty in the first place?’ Now I know. They had twelve jurors just like you.”

Or this one:

“You know, if you ever happen to match the description of that pedophile and find yourself sitting in that chair, pray to whatever you deem high and holy that someone like yourself is not on the jury.”

Or the “less-is-more” school of:

“So much for the presumption of innocence….”

(Hey, I get it. This won’t win you any friends but, in the end, do you really want someone like that as a friend?)

Just doing my civic duty…

BILL
\Twitter: @BillBekkala

Oh, The Humanity -- I Mean "Hypocrisy"

Yes, it’s election time again – at least in California - when we get to enjoy the ads of candidates bemoaning career politicians as they seek to become career politicians.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Why It Would Suck To Be Named "Adam"

You could never say: “You don’t know me from Adam.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Separation of Church and Static

Verily I say unto you: I can only assume that Jesus’ political advisors informed him to not mention “culture of dependency” in any of his sermons re feeding the poor, deeming this to be the proper purview of what would later become FOX News.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

It's True! I'm The Life of The Party!

Unfortunately I host all of my parties in cemeteries.

BILL