Drowning Him in Praise

NEWS ITEM: President Obama praised the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy at the opening of the Institute named after him by recalling how Kennedy would “howl at injustice on the Senate floor like a force of nature.”

EDITORIAL: Evidently, our President is overlooking the fact that Teddy’s zeal for justice and doing the right thing was in short supply in 1969 when he drove off a bridge at Chappaquiddick and – yes, unbelievable though this sounds - didn’t even try to save Mary Jo Kopechne from drowning inside.

BILL

Fun Fact I Learned:

“In Josef Stalin’s Russia, all studies of the past were forced to fit into predetermined politics.”

(But enough about Texas.)

BILL

Nice One, Starbucks!

Yeah, let's start a conversation on a volatile issue like race while we’re all holding scalding liquids in our hands.

BILL

And Folks Wonder Why It's Called the "Stupid" Party

NEWS ITEM: Officials working in Florida's Department of Environmental Protection were banned from using the words "climate change," "global warming," and "sea-level rise" under Republican state governor Rick Scott, according to a new report by the Florida Center for Investigative Reporting. Kristina Trotta, a former DEP employee, said that her regional administrator told her and her colleagues that they were no longer allowed to use the terms in 2011. Officials were reportedly told that sea-level rise was to be euphemistically referred to as "nuisance flooding."

Spokespeople for the DEP and the governor's office said that there was no policy on the use of the terms, but four former officials told the FCIR that the unwritten order was well known and distributed verbally statewide. Officials were reportedly warned against using the terms in reports in case they "would bring unwanted attention to their projects," and were told not to reference anything that "was not a true fact" in economic reports, educational materials, and environmental reports that were used to set energy and business policies.

EDITORIAL: You simply cannot get this kind of comic insanity from Democrats these days. Benghazi? Hillary Clinton’s email? Yeah, they’re laugh factories.

BILL

PS – Be honest. You thought I made up the news item, right? Right??

"I'm a Patriot!!"

Frankly, I’m always a little hesitant to say this. I mean, the Nazis were big on patriotism, OK?

Oh, hell, what am I talking about? Hey, if it’s good enough for the Nazis it’s good enough for me. I’m a patriot!!!

BILL

Granted, I don't know ANY of the members of the Afghan mob...

… numbering in an estimated thousands who beat a mentally ill woman senseless with planks and stones before setting her ablaze yesterday for allegedly setting a Koran on fire, but I highly doubt any of them were atheists.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Not MY Fault, It's Those Damn Reporters!

NEWS ITEM: Congressman Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock is resigning from Congress amid controversy over alleged unethical spending of campaign contributions and taxpayer money.

Schock says that “constant questions” have become a distraction and made it too difficult for him to serve the people who elected him.
Revelations of extravagant spending (including his Downton Abbey-inspired office), questionable payments to donors, and inappropriately categorized expenses landed Schock under the microscope.

New details emerged about a business deal between a political donor and a shell company that has been linked to Schock – raising even more suspicion of potentially dishonest practices.

EDITORIAL: Actually, my favorite part of this story was when initially queried about his questionable spending of tax dollars, he responded on camera “Haters gonna hate.” No, you child, reporters gonna report.

BILL

But to Get Back to Benghazi:

9/11 commemoration or anger over film deemed anti-Islamic?

Because there is a difference, the former being a violent act of religiously-fueled rage whereas the latter is a religiously-fueled act of violent rage.

Let’s hold more hearings, shall we? The truth must come out!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

In My Ongoing Series

NEWS ITEM: MIAMI (AP) — Talk show host Rodner Figueroa was fired from Univision after saying that Michelle Obama looks like someone from the cast of "Planet of the Apes."

EDITORIAL: I don’t believe this story because Fox News says racism is over and FOX News is never wrong.

BILL

I'm Mourning Joe's Exculpatory "Reasoning"

NEWS ITEM: The FOX News program "Fox & Friends" linked Attorney General Eric Holder to the recent shooting of two police officers in Ferguson, Missouri.

EDITORIAL: Congratulations, “Fox & Friends!” You too now advocate the theory put forth by MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, “Morning Joe” all but excusing the racist rants of the OU frat boys, painting them as helpless babes brainwashed by the coarser elements of rap music. Your assertion that the reprehensible Ferguson, Missouri cop shooter was influenced by the Attorney General bolsters the “I’m-Not-Responsible” defense of accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, who claims to have fallen under the “spell” of his older brother. If young Dzhokhar is acquitted, will you deem it a victory for justice?

(Yes, the societal cancer of the denial of personal responsibility continues, this time FOX News carrying the banner.)

BILL

Thanks, Morning Joe!

NEWS ITEM: MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” weighed in on the fallout over a video showing members of Oklahoma University’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon participating in a racist chant, suggesting that the students were picking up cues from rap music they listen to.

EDITORIAL: You’ve just given credence to accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s defense that he had fallen under the “spell” of his older brother. If he’s acquitted, can we anticipate your cheers?

BILL

No Spine Zone

I don’t believe recent reports disputing Bill O’Reilly’s repeated claims to having witnessed firsthand violent events in dangerous, war-torn lands, for Bill O’Reilly dwells in a “No Spin Zone,” where manipulating events to one’s advantage is verboten. Besides, Bill O’Reilly works for Fox News. And Fox News is never wrong.

BILL

I Don't Believe The Racist Frat House Video

Only a fool would believe reports about the University of Oklahoma’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity’s footage of frat members singing lynching tunes. I believe this footage was, in fact, a special effects concoction created by the “lame-stream” media. I believe this because FOX News says racism is over. And FOX News is never wrong.

BILL

I Don't Believe The Racist Ferguson, Missouri E-Mails

Because FOX News said racism was over and they’re never wrong.

BILL

Hey Everybody, Who Remembers When We DIDN'T Wear Seat Belts?!?

I mean, obviously, aside from those who were killed for not wearing seat belts.

BILL

A Thought That Forever Warms My Heart

When he knew they were coming up to kill him, Osama bin Laden’s heart racing like those trapped in the World Trade Center.

BILL

Great Scott Comedy Writers!

NEWS ITEM: OXON HILL, Md. (AP) — Republican Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said Thursday that his experience taking on thousands of protesters in his state helped prepare him to take on terrorists across the world.

EDITORIAL: Because we all know there is no difference between union school teachers and folks who put people into cages and set them on fire. (Or behead them if time is short.) Yes, this is the kind of nuanced mind we need in the Oval Office.

BILL

Oscar Snubbed Me

Oscar Wilson. In 1972. At the school picnic. Something about missing pieces from his electric football set. Weasel.

BILL