Much Like Global Warming Disputes...

… wherein some say the science is “not yet settled,” nor is it with regards to the earth being round, the Flat Earth Society still actively disputing the notion of the blue and green orb floating through space that we call home actually being an orb. This being so, I believe – in fairness - we should henceforth cease using the word “globe” since this remains a viable point of contention. Or, if I were employed by FOX News, I would assert that “this subject, upon which not everyone agrees, requires further study.”

BILL

The Play Title's The Thing

It is a little known fact that Eugene O’Neill originally entitled his play “Hey, Everybody! Here Comes The Ice Cream Man! Yayyyyyyyy!!!!” but, attempting to lend the work more gravitas, he changed it to “The Iceman Cometh.”

BILL

You'll Thank Me One Day

Never go bungee-jumping with people who are bad at math.

BILL

In Helping a Coworker Carry a Box...

… I started singing “I’ll never be your beast of burden.” To which she responded: Though you are a jackass.

BILL

A Nose for The Theatre

Shown in makeup, former President Bill Clinton prepares for a scene as “Pinnochio” with actor Morgan Freeman, the latter playing the woodworker Geppetto. The play, opening December 14 on Broadway, marks Clinton’s first foray into acting since testifying “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”

BILL

Now THAT'S Tragic

“Slumdog Millionaire” actress Freida Pinto has evidently fallen madly in love with a man whose last name is “Beenz” and, yes, a wedding date has been set.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

I just found out Neil Diamond’s “Song Sung Blue” was not about a Korean woman he once dated.

BILL

My Days of Yore

Though a standout Northern California quarterback in high school, my glory days with the Carmel Apples were all but ruined by our outright hideous brown and green uniforms.

BILL

Conservative Love of Liberal Media

Ever notice conservative Republicans always use campaign theme songs written and performed by liberal Democrats? (Jackson Browne, Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp, etc.) At least until they get the cease and desist order I mean. The reason for this, of course, is the dearth of songs inspired by the flat tax.

BILL

Bully For You, Bill! Bully For You!

Yes, sadly, I knew too well the seemingly endless hurt of bullying during my formative years, often returning home from junior high in tears, my knuckles bleeding from another severe beating I inflicted upon a boy much smaller and weaker than myself.

BILL

My Days as a Sixties Fugitive

I was an expert at pipe bombs and while no one was ever harmed as a result of my handiwork, when I set one of mine off, man, there was tobacco everywhere!!!

BILL

Sunny, Oh So True, I Don't Love You

Back when I used to fall for the sucker’s bet known as relationships, I once muttered in response to my then girlfriend Zelda’s request to head to Santa Monica Pier to take in the sunset with “Seen one sunset you’ve seen them all,” a line a dear friend later deemed “the single greatest romance killer ever uttered.”

I must admit I still cringe that I actually said these words instead of the more grammatically correct “If you’ve seen one sunset you’ve seen them all.”

BILL

Death From Above

I’ve often wondered why maintenance men occasionally put ice at the base of urinals. Truth be told, I’ve never had the heart to ask. All I can suppose is it is done for sheer entertainment value. That is to say, it allows me to inflict my warm yellow wrath upon the inhabitants below, melting them before my very eyes and imbuing me with a glorified sense of godlike power for having vanquished the sleepy inhabitants of ice land, much like God himself does with a tornado over quiet villages in summertime Kansas.

(Or maybe they just need to get rid of some ice.)

BILL

Betrayal Is The Deepest, Most Grievous Wound

This hard truth was visited upon me recently and with unforgiving hurt – indeed one of life’s tougher lessons - when I slept with a good friend’s wife and he got really, really mad at me.

BILL

Why I'm So Screwed Up

Yes, I suppose, there is one iconic figure who indeed represents all that was the unholy terror I called “Mother.” You know it well by now and, yes, below pretty much sums it up. Is the picture of Bill getting clearer for you? The dark humor, the conniving ways, taking to flights of fancy, the gruesome outfit and the freakish tone that was my skin color. I suppose you would be screwed up too however if your mother was a flying monkey.

My Billionaire Friends Are No Fun Anymore

All they ever want to talk about is how to create more jobs. Their wives and girlfriends call me – in tears - confessing that they frequently have to awaken them from fitful dreams marked by tossing and turning and the nonstop nocturnal cries of “More jobs. I need to create more jobs…”

It’s like an obsession with them. So tedious…

BILL

Free sandwiches!!!

For too lung, sandwiches have suffered under the tyrannical thumb of worldwide mass consumption.

End this injustice today!

Free sandwiches!!!

BILL

My Homeland Security Story

So I’m on a flight with my Pakistani-born wingman Mahmood, covering the usual: football, ex-wives, whether or not the President has business cards, when I ask him where we’ll be meeting our pal Fenster for drinks.

“Ollie’s,” he says.

“Great. I’ll call Fenster.”

“I gotta hit the bathroom,” he says, heading up the aisle.

I’ve already dialed when my mind suddenly goes blank as to where we would be meeting. I call out: “Hey, Mahmood! Where are we meeting again?”

He pivots briefly: “Ollie’s.” The whine of the aircraft prevents me from hearing. Nearing the front of the aircraft, he turns back, only to see me cupping my ear, having clearly not heard him. Never a patient man, anger overwhelms Mahmood’s face and he yells: “Ollie’s Ox Bar!!”

He was tazed into submission by an air marshal.

BILL

"Never Look a Gift Horse in The Mouth"

Personal experience leads me to assert otherwise, having peered deep into the maw of one such beast, whereupon I marveled at the ultra-white precision of his fine choppers, prompting me to exclaim: “Wow! This one’s a dandy! Thanks a lot!”

(My unbridled – pun intended - exuberance went over quite well, thank you, such that in later years I became the frequent recipient of many pricey and unexpected gifts from this same party.)

BILL

Myth Busting 101

Alleged genius Albert Einstein claimed the definition of insanity is to repeat the same behavior, expecting a different result. Each morning I stroll out into the courtyard of my apartment complex - wearing only my headphones by which I savor the lush sounds of Neil Sedaka – and toss a deck of 52 playing cards skyward, then list using a pen and clipboard the cards that land face up. Never have the same results occurred.

Now who’s the genius and who’s insane, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?????

BILL

What Can I Say? It's Low Hanging Fruit....

It amuses me to no end that the actual ground zero strip club has not met with the same strident opposition as has the proposed ground zero mosque.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. No, wait a second. I’m wrong on that one. Yeah, I changed my mind. On second thought, nothing hallows the ground where so many perished on that dark and tragic day like a strip club.

BILL

But Seriously...

As long as we have "Don't ask, don't tell" in the military, we simply have to stop being so hard on the Taliban. Why you ask? Because in the same way that the upper echelon asserts that the inclusion of gays might corrode military morale, i.e. the intolerant and prejudiced possibly becoming aroused to anger by the mere presence of gays, so too do we have the parallel situation with the Taliban, wherein men force women to wear burkas (tents) to avoid becoming sexually aroused by their mere presence, wanton temptresses that they deem them to be.

In each situation, thus, we have two groups, the intolerant homophobic element of the military and the evil Taliban pointing a finger of blame at others rather than taking personal responsibility for their own behavior. In short, we have self-admitted children unable to control themselves from allowing their more unsavory emotions to get the best of them.

What say we seat both groups at the kiddie table come Thanksgiving, no?

BILL

Pantaloonies

The other day I laughed so hard at my friend Otis for his dated reference to “trousers” that I spilled buttermilk on my dungarees.

BILL

What Ails Me

Sadly, I’ve been diagnosed with narcolep

Funny Thing I Did at Work Yesterday

Wearing my full Cowardly Lion regalia – complete with whiskers – I pranced about the edepartment singing: “Ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho! And a couple of tra-la-las. That’s how we laugh the day away in the merry old Land of Oz!”

This had two immediate benefits. Not only did it spark a noticeable bounce in good cheer but it also afforded me an opportunity to update my resume.

BILL

Katrina Disaster

I’m still undecided as to which is the greater disaster: Hurricane Katrina (now marking its five year anniversary) or (at its 25-year anniversary) the video to Katrina and the Waves’ 1985 hit “Walking on Sunshine.”

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

(New York, NY - September 11, 2001)

REPORTER: Bob, the first tower has completely collapsed and now, oh God, oh God, there… there the second tower is now falling. Oh, my God! This is horrible. What a terrible day for all Americans.

ANCHOR: Well, not necessarily for me. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance.

BILL

ESSAY: "Entourage: Beverly Hillbillies Redux"

If everything old is new again, then there is no finer example on television than "Entourage." Cutting edge, you say? Hate to burst your bubble, but it's "The Beverly Hillbillies" nearly half a century later.

For those who don't get HBO, "Entourage" is the wickedly funny series regaling the antics of dreamy-eyed A-list movie star Vincent Chase, cinema prince - by way of Queens - of LA and his entourage of older brother, struggling actor Johnny "Drama" Chase, best friend and manager Eric "E" Murphy, and driver, "Turtle." Much as the Ozark hillbillies of yesteryear struck oil and headed for Beverly, so too did Vinnie Chase, striking cinema gold and bringing his homies with him, the ensemble of which uncannily hearkens back to the Clampett clan.

Vince of course is Jed Clampett. Wealthy, albeit new money, he's the same guy he's always been, right down to his attire. Just like Jed, he is unfailingly courteous, averse to conflict, principled, humble and seemingly in tune with some benign truth to which the others seem oblivious. Savoir-faire accorded each, but with a country twang for Jed.

Resident buffoon Johnny Chase is a near replica of Jethro, the brawny, quick to anger, insecure dim bulb of the lot.

Turtle is Elly May, each the easy-going animal lover. While Elly May had her "critters," Turtle hangs with his lovable rottweiler, Arnold. Neither character possessing a mean bone in their body.

Then there's "E," i.e. Granny reincarnated. Small in stature but not in heart, as Granny was born to play bad cop for Jed and kin, so too will Eric if push comes to shove, his Irish pluck every bit the carbon copy of shotgun-toting Granny's twitching finger.

But the parallels don't end there, for you can toss in the mansions in which both foursomes reside as well as each show's opening montage, the junk-strewn Clampett heap barreling down a palm-lined Beverly Hills thoroughfare, while "Entourage's" four young dudes cruise Sunset in open convertible.

Just as Vince has his comically ruthless agent, Ari Gold, so did Jed have Milburn Drysdale, President of Commerce Bank. And where Mr. Drysdale would sell his soul to hang onto his champagne client, so too does Ari dread losing the key stallion in his stable, Vincent Chase. As played by the spectacular Jeremy Piven, Ari fears no one, excluding of course his spouse, "Mrs. Ari," mirroring Milburn Drysdale's never-ending worry that he will incur the wrath of his beloved wife, Margaret.

Easily the most entertaining relationship on the show is that between Ari and Lloyd, the latter the long-suffering assistant to the uber-caustic agent and a near perfect match for Jane Hathaway of "The Beverly Hillbillies," each toiling in jobs beneath them, each enduring a chain of petty humiliations, but each paradigms of unswerving loyalty and never once straying from cordiality to the champagne client, a courtesy we sense would be nobly extended even if said clients were more of the beer variety.

Now I am not suggesting even the faintest whiff of plagiarism toward series creator Doug Ellin, a mere toddler when the Hillbillies' TV run came to an end in 1971. I'll go further. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the 42-year old has never even seen an episode of the sixties comedy classic. What I am saying is that there exists a dynamic tension between certain characters that lends itself to inherently dramatic - or even comic - situations. Doug Ellin clearly and cleverly thought these through, much in the same way “Hillbillies” creator Paul Henning did decades ago. For example, it's simply funny to have an otherwise fearless pit bull of an agent deferring time and again to his classy, world-savvy wife, much as it is interesting to have this same vulgarly homophobic unpinned hand grenade concede that by far the best and most dedicated assistant he has ever had is openly gay.

These are among the reasons why "Entourage" works so well and why for six seasons I have so enjoyed every episode, watching some of them repeatedly. It is in fact the only show I watch. But if you want to label it "original," well, as they say: "There's nothing new under the sun." And even stars like Vinnie Chase get lost beneath its glare.

BILL

With Lack of Cred, I Thee Wed

Does anything pulverize the utter absurdity of the “defense of marriage” argument more than current law itself, wherein a gay man can enter into a sham marriage with a woman, garnering both the legal sanction and well wishes of the state?

BILL

Why I Believe in Alien-Formed Crop Circles

Ladies, do you honestly think you could get your man out into a blazing hot, bug-infested wheat field with geometrically-aligned charts, sickles, machetes, and whatnot, carving massive, intricately-designed patterns that appear from high above to be the creative handiwork or signposts for aliens plotting an Earth invasion when you have to literally crowbar him off the couch when he’s watching a ballgame just to get him to mow the lawn?

Resting my case….

BILL

ESSAY: Obama Socialist Collective Meeting Minutes

The meeting commenced following the pledge of allegiance to the former Soviet Union. A motion was made to reinsert "Allah Akhbar" into the pledge. As not deemed vital to the cause, the motion was tabled pending further review.

Comrade Palin provided a post-mortem analysis on her failed attempt at destroying the Republican Party from the inside. Using a whiteboard to chart out relevant parallels from both Newtonian physics and mathematical algorithms to help clarify her remarks, she expressed regret over the unanticipated consequences arising from intentionally coming off as a rube, citing such things as field dressing moose, shooting wolves from helicopters, making up words like "refudiate," emphasizing her hockey mom leanings and printing words on the palm of her hand prior to giving speeches as having only rendered her more charming in the eyes of the Tea Party contingent, endearing her to them. Ms. Palin was again reprimanded by the Council of Overseers for nearly exposing her true socio-political persuasion by her offhand but overly neighborly comment during the summer of 2008 regarding Alaska's proximity to Russia.

Comrade McChrystal provided a recap of his attempt to eviscerate American military chances for victory in both Iraq and Afghanistan by inciting his own forced resignation, resulting in the overstretching of General David Petraeus's capacity to handle wars on two separate fronts. "It was my easiest mission ever," he explained. "A few flippant remarks and I was history." The group gave him a hearty round of applause for his efforts and awarded him with a gold set of sickle and hammer cufflinks.

A high level status of Operation Flagpin was given. While acknowledging the flagpin controversy has waned of late, Access Czar Emanuel gave personal assurances that the Supreme Leader will permanently banish the flagpin from his apparel, forcing this hot-button issue to the forefront, thus allowing the cause's more important priorities to fly in beneath the radar of Fox News.

While the plan to seize all guns nationwide continues apace, Minister of Weaponry Ayers noted that the Supreme Leader's unbroken silence on the topic of guns since the inauguration has unfortunately incited heartland rumblings of "It's quiet out there. Too quiet." More study was called for.

The Minister of Documents announced that the forged birth certificate ruse continues to be a rousing success, augmented by the nationwide manipulation of all microfilmed Hawaiian newspapers announcing the proud birth of the future Supreme Leader in Honolulu, thus maintaining the secrecy of his actual foreign birth. A recitation of the logistics of the operation was offered before being deemed far too complex in its elaborate time-traveling and violation-of-laws-of-physics nature to be understood by mere mortals. The operations team was nonetheless congratulated for an exemplary effort.

In a similar vein, Comrade Gates submitted a post implementation review of Codename: Anointed One, the top-secret mission to implant retroactive holograph images of the Supreme Leader in Christian churches throughout the country over the last two decades, duly camouflaging his Islamic religious beliefs. An attempt to provide a detailed explanation as to how this was accomplished left committee members in a dazed state of confusion and was therefore vetoed in favor of a bullet point summary available for review at a later time. Nonetheless, a commendation was awarded to Comrade Gates, along with a six-pack of beer as an inside joke, inciting laughter all around.

The meeting adjourned at 5:14 (Moscow time) following an enthusiastic rendition of The Internationale. Pie and vodka were served.

BILL

Drama King

When I was a senior in high school, Miss Thompson came up to me out of the blue and asked if I’d play the lead in the school stage production of “The Elephant Man.”

“Really?” I asked, excited at the prospect of a future in Hollywood. “Why me?”

“Cutbacks in makeup,” she replied.

BILL

L.A. Bill Has NEVER Gone Into The Pacific

In defending this, I cite my fear of sharks.

“But Bill,” folks say, “do you know what the odds are of being bit by a shark?”

To which I respond: “Do you know what the odds are of being bit by a shark are in my apartment?”

BILL

Seriously, Am I Missing Something Here?

To object to the U.S. announcing a pullout date out of either Iraq or Afghanistan on the grounds that doing so “emboldens terrorists” obligates one to answer this question: How do you further embolden someone already willing to strap explosives onto his body and pull a cord?

BILL

Chuckles with Brangelina

So after dessert, Brad says “Hey, do you two want to see me in my new tux?”

Sure, we say.

A minute later, he emerges, looking splendid of course but, hey, he’s Brad Pitt. Like he’s going to look ugly?

“You look hot,” Angie says. “So do you, honey,” she then says to Brad.

Angie and I laughed. That’s when Brad handed me bus fare. Oh well….

BILL

Inadvertent Soothsayer

It was my brother Smedley who broke the news to me re birds and the bees. This thoroughly repulsed ten-year old responded: “There’s no way I’m ever doing that!”

Little did I know how right I would be….

BILL

My Deep Secret

Back in the eighties when I lived in Texas I was babysitting for my cousin, mother of an unruly brat who forever caused me grief. Still, I regret slurring out these drunken words one stressed out afternoon: “You put gum in my hair one more time, little Jessica McClure, and I’ll drop you down this hole. I reckon it can’t be no more than four feet deep.”

BILL

My Fourth of July Fireworks

After my annual Independence Day poker game with my buddies, I’m going to meet up with the wife and watch the fireworks. After enduring her scalding reprimand for my gambling, the plan is she and I will watch an actual fireworks show out at the pier.

BILL

Three True Stories

When I was five, I was walking to kindergarten when my four year old neighbor asked where I was going. I told him kindergarten. “Can I come?” he asked. “I don’t see why not,” I replied and brought him to class with me. His older brother had to take him home.

When I was six, I replied “aye-aye, sir,” to my music teacher, who – unappreciative of what I thought was respectful military jargon, my grandfather having been a commander in the Navy – asked me to spend the duration of the music session outside. Knowing I was being punished, I figured he did not mean simply standing in the hallway but rather suffering in the sub zero temperatures of that January Michigan day. Which I did, much to his later dread and sincere regret.

At age seven, I willingly dove through a plate glass window.

Are you starting to see a pattern here?

BILL

What a Boz(o)

When I first heard the 1976 record “Lowdown” by Boz Scaggs – still one of my favorites – for whatever reason I thought he was black. Then I saw him perform on Saturday Night Live and went: “Hey, the dude’s white!”

However when I first heard Bozo the Clown, I simply knew he had to be white.

BILL

Bummer

My career as a typewriter repairman has come to an ignominious end. Seems I grossly underestimated the superior quality of typewriters made in today’s market, having rarely gotten any calls or even walk-ins to my repair shop during the last few years.

BILL

My Funny Valentine

In the early seventies, I never missed an episode of ABC’s “Room 222,” so fervent was my hot for teacher crush on “Miss Alice Johnson” as played by the lovely and aptly-named Karen Valentine. I mention this only because, well, who would ever think that lo these many years later, I’d still be stalking her?

BILL

My Trip To The Big Apple

There I was, in Midtown Manhattan, barely squeezing through my tuba and sporting an impish smile. Seeking out just the right person, I strolled up to a well-dressed, briefcase-toting gentleman and inquired, “Excuse me, sir. How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”

He thought it over while rubbing his chin, then pointed south and replied: “It’s on the east stretch of Seventh Avenue between West 56th Street and West 57th, two blocks south of Central Park,” before heading off.

Imagine my disappointment….

BILL

Devouring My Succulent Barbequed Ribs Last Night...

… I thought to myself, “Man, I’m in hog heaven! And all thanks to a hog in heaven.”

BILL

News Item

At this minute, Yahoo’s “Trending Now” category lists the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill at number nine, while reality TV personage Kate Gosselin tops the charts at number one.

I believe I’ve single-handedly solved the mystery as to how the disaster occurred in the first place.

BILL

Failure is An Option (Depending On Circumstances)

Here is the exact quote from former NASA Flight Director Gene Kranz when he addressed his flight engineers re the imperiled astronauts of Apollo 13 following its 1970 in-flight explosion: "Gentlemen, we have never lost a man in outer space and, really, to be perfectly honest with you, it just wouldn't sit right with me if such an occurrence were to transpire in these ensuing days. That being the case, I implore you to do everything in your power to see to it that such an untoward incident does not occur, particularly, if such were to transpire while I am on duty, for this would bother me infinitely more and erode my confidence far more than if it would were it to happen on someone else's shift. I know that sounds petty, but, well, that's just the way it is, fellas, what can I say? Therefore - and let me be perfectly frank here - failure - while granted it has a stubborn and oft-mysterious way of rearing its ugly head from time to time, marring even the most perfectly planned venture - is not something we - and when I say 'we' I mean all of us gathered in this flight room - care to encounter on this mission. Perhaps in some as yet to be defined future but certainly not this mission. Now I really hope I'm not asking too much, but if I am, well, maybe we can work something out. Sound good, everybody?"

The screenwriters to the film “Apollo 13”, not unwisely, changed this to: "We never lost an American in space and we're sure as hell not going to lose one on my watch! Failure is not an option!"

BILL

USA Child Mortality Rate

What can you say about a country that ranks 42nd in its child mortality rate, behind yes, even Cuba, except: “USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!”

BILL

Gushing Praise

Joe Hazelwood, captain of the Exxon Valdez, whose comparatively puny 11 million gallons of oil foulled Alaskan shorelines in 1989, when asked what he thought of the current BP oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico: “Lemme tell ya, if I were any happier, I’d be Gary Condit on 9/11.”

BILL

This Attorney's Generally Blowing It All

Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal is in hot water for repeated “misstatements” re having fought during the Vietnam War when, in reality, he never did.

Please, folks, let’s not be so hard on the man. I can’t tell you how many times I have inadvertently blurted out the words: “When Neil and I walked on the moon.”

BILL

He Also Would Have Tripped Paul Revere's Horse

A good friend pointed out to me that Kentucky’s U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul chastised President Obama as “un-American” for criticizing the company whose oil spill is currently gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. That company of course being “British Petroleum.” BILL

What a Country!!!

Bristol Palin, one of the grand thinkers of our time, is commanding $30,000 speaking fees. Now may we please cease with the death knell of free enterprise/capitalism?

BILL

PS – Now if you don’t find this amusing, try conjuring the text read by the person introducing her.

It Bears Repeating

The BP Oil Spill, in addition to the lesser concerns of both economic and ecological devastation, has also, by virtue of the glut of media time devoted to it, seriously cut in to my time in keeping up with the Kardashians. An egregious affront to any principled viewer of television. In this sense, I categorize this event as nothing short of an irreparable disaster.

BILL

"Iron Man"

It’s a little known fact that “Iron Man” was originally pitched as “Geritol Man,” but the studio – quite wisely I might add - nixed the idea, thus ensnaring the broader PG-13 crowd. That stated, I do believe “Geritol Man” would have opened quite strongly in St. Petersburg, FL.

BILL

Bill's Suffocating Humor

When I was little, my two brothers and I played “Abandoned Fridge” for hours on end until one day, suddenly and with great anxiety, Mother demanded we stop. To this day, Smedley and I fondly reflect upon the giddy days of our childhood.

BILL

I'm Not Saying I'm Lazy But...

… I would enjoy fortune cookies far more if they would simply do away with the fortunes.

Moreover, I have spent inordinate sums and committed endless years studying fortune cookies and now believe them to have little connection – if any – to my life per se. Inherent inconsistencies abound, and I have come to strongly suspect these pithy insights are placed on my table in entirely random fashion and are not intended to enlighten me, the actual recipient in any way whatsoever.

BILL

Call Me Crazy...

… but I’ll bet Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer used the “F” word at least once in his life.

BILL

Call Me Crazy...

… but I’ll bet Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer said the “F” word at least once in his life.

BILL

I Was a Stupid Kid

My friend Bartley would urge me to call the bowling alley and ask the guy if he had sixteen pound balls.

“OK,” I said.

I dialed the phone to Kenosha Lanes.

“Hello?”

“Hi, do you have sixteen pound bowling balls?”

“Yes, we do,” she replied.

BILL

Our Trip to Amsterdam Was FABULOUS!!!

Highlighted of course by our tour of the Anne Frank house. Granted, I was surprised to see the drum set….

BILL

Here's to Your Health

In 1912, Teddy Roosevelt campaigned for a single national health service.

1954, President Eisenhower proposed healthcare protection for uninsured Americans.

In 1974, President Nixon proposed universal health coverage.

And people wonder why I refer to these guys as “The Radical Socialist Trio.”

BILL

Marathon Man

Realizing the LA Marathon ran one block from my apartment, I couldn’t resist watching. Soon, the spectacle of sirens, flashing lights, police and security clearing the way emerged. Spotting the leader, the world’s second most famous Kenyan – the first being our current President (wink-wink) – Wesley Korir, the eventual winner, I simply could not resist. I leaped off the curb, more or less dancing like a cocky Ali, waving my arms like the lunatic my conservative friends deem me to be. “You think you’re fast, my man?” I yelled. “Let’s see who’s fast. I’ll race you to that street light half a block down.” I was even with him – side by side – as I hurled what I still feel was a fair challenge, one that garnered only a look of perturbation on his part.

Sprinting as fast as my legs could carry me, I beat him by a good ten feet. Maybe more.

“Yeah, I’m bad!” I called out, arms raised in triumph. Embarrassed by defeat, I glimpsed only a sarcastic roll of his eyes, one that, in any language, said “Dude’s crazy.”

Yeah, I’m bad.

BILL

PS – My court date is Thursday.

I Threw The Javelin in High School

Flinging one that arced through the air before inadvertently plunging through the chest of the handsome cad who stole my girlfriend. Fortunately I was acquitted.

BILL

Yes, I Was a Breech Birth

Pretty much explaining why I have been making an ass of myself from day one. BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell...

… allow me to state, categorically and for the record, that I can beat up Muhammad Ali.

BILL

Urinately Silly, Bill

I once heard that if you put someone’s hand in warm water when they are asleep, it causes a person to urinate. Not sure if I believed this, I tried it on my college roommate once and, like, within five minutes I had to run to the bathroom.

BILL

Verbose Though I May Be...

… the real reason I never became a lawyer was I simply could not pass the bar without stopping in for a drink.

BILL

The #1 Complaint of Masseuses

Clients who say: “I’m (insert name here) and I approve of this massage.”

BILL

Full Text of Actual Letter I Wrote to the Utah Tourism Bureau:

“Gentlemen - Have you thought of advertising the Bonneville Salt Flats as: Where God makes his margaritas?”

BILL

One Truly Befuddled Morning...

… I actually came to work not wearing a shirt. But that’s not the weird part. The weird part is that I still managed to wear a tie.

BILL

My Favorite Part of the State of The Union Speech

When President Obama said: “And to encourage these and other businesses to stay within our borders, it is time to finally slash the tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas, and give those tax breaks to companies that create jobs right here in the United States of America.”

The Democrats broke out into applause, while the Republicans sat on their hands and scowled.

Who luvs ya, baby?

BILL

Making Matters Worse? My Favorite Show is "Monk"

In his new book “Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America,” author Peter Biskind calculates the number of female lovers Beatty had prior to settling down with actress Annette Bening at 12,775.

This surpasses my own lifelong tally by 12,771.

BILL

Comic Relief

But seriously, my New Year’s Resolution for 2010 is to finally stop doing heroines. Wonder Woman, Super Girl, Batgirl, Cat Woman, Lascivious Lady. Oh, how the dark allure of these clingy-suited vixens has made a sorry wreck of my life.

BILL

Comic Relief

But seriously, my New Year’s Resolution for 2010 is to finally stop doing heroines. Wonder Woman, Super Girl, Batgirl, Cat Woman, Lascivious Lady. Oh, how the dark allure of these clingy-suited vixens has made a sorry wreck of my life.

BILL

What I Believe

I believe the penalty for physically assaulting one or more members of a Mariachi band - during the course of an otherwise quiet evening out - should be limited to no more than sixteen hours of community service.

BILL