"Atheist Suicide Bomber Claims 58 Lives; Injures Several More!"

I’m just messin’ with you. That never happens.

BILL

Gives Whole New Meaning to The Phrase "Just Joshin' Ya."

As a result of his recently debunked tale of life-saving heroics, USC defensive back Josh Shaw must now face the same scalding ignominy as did I when I fibbed about having ridden on the 2003 Space Shuttle Columbia mission. Man, did that whopper crash and burn.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Take The "Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge!"

In my never-ending zeal to slice the throat of what I deem “intrusive, regulation-obsessed big government,” I am urging friend and foe alike – OK, mostly foes – to take the “Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge.” You know what I’m talking about. Those noisome seismic engineers claiming to prevent future loss of life by shackling property owners with the burden of rendering structures somewhat less prone to, well, completely crumbling during a severe earthquake. You get the point.

Anyway, there is a hilarious YouTube clip of my pal Freddie Flatnow taking the “Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge,” wherein he sat cross-legged on the lawn and we dumped a nine-hundred pound sack of cinder blocks on his head. I’m telling you it was hysterical! Even the coroner guys couldn’t help but laugh at the video.

Check it out on YouTube at “Our-Crush-On-Freddie-RIP.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Grimace When a Song is Ruined

How gorgeous was Sara Bareilles’ moving rendition of “Smile” during the In Memoriam section of the Emmy Awards last night? For the first time ever, I believed the words.

But breathe easy, Kanye West, because what had been the dumbest move of all time at an awards show, i.e. your seizing the mike from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to genuflect at the altar of Queen Beyonce, was trumped last night by the intrusive bombardment of audio clips of the recently departed being repeatedly shoehorned into the quieter moments of the song. (My personal favorite? A whoosh of audience applause as comic David Brenner departs a stage which swung in like Tarzan on a vine.) All in all, a classic lesson in “more is less.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Self-Righteousness Arose at An Early Age

Well I can recall disowning my best friend Coy Miller for carving Charles Manson’s initials into a tree.

BILL

Contrary to marketing expectations...

… Mister Potato Famine Head proved an ill-advised choice by the good folks at Milton-Bradley.

BILL

(PS: Off next week.)

You're Crazy, Uncle Billy!

Hey, I realize this might well make me the odd man out but I gotta be honest: In the film “It’s a Wonderful Life” Bedford Falls seems a far more hip and fun place once we learn George Bailey had never been born. Gin joints! Jazz! I mean, the place is jumpin’!

BILL

Who Said "Charity Begins at Home?"

I mean, you know, apart from someone who never gives money to charity?

BILL

Clubbing Baby Seals

BABY SEAL ONE: Hey, barkeep, gimme a 7 and 7! Keep the change.

BABY SEAL TWO: Wow! Check her out, bud. Shake those whiskers, baby.

BILL

Apparently Flames Aren't The Only Thing That Shoot Out of His Mouth

NEWS ITEM: In doing press for the new AMC series 4th and Loud -- about his KISS-branded Arena Football League team - Gene Simmons was asked if he had followed the Donald Sterling incident.

"I'm on the side of Sterling," he replied. Although he admits Sterling is "heinous," he opines that he should have been let off with a fine, since the rant occurred in private.

He went on to insinuate that all people make racist rants or off-color jokes in private: "Because you say an off-color joke or make a racist rant privately, that causes you to lose a job -- nobody would have a job!"

EDITORIAL: Sorry, Gene, but I don’t make “racist rants,” Nor do any of my friends. The reason for this is because – unlike you apparently – we’re not racists. (All of this is painfully ironic, of course, considering the fact that you’re Jewish.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This Woman is an Idiot

Climate change denying Republican candidate for Louisiana Congress Lenar Whitney tweets the following: Libs criticize me because I am not a scientist: "you're a politician, what do you know about global warming" To that I have two words: AL GORE

Unfortunately, her “logic” is fallacious. For a non-scientist, one entirely unschooled in climate science, to assert that she knows better than the near unanimity of scientists worldwide is to believe and not to think. As for her smug use of “Al Gore” as supreme rebuttal, I’m afraid the argument does not work in that direction. And why? Because, unlike her, Al Gore is deferring to the judgment of thousands of trained scientists who have studied this data for decades. In the documentary “An Inconvenient Truth,” he was – forgive me, Al – merely the mouthpiece for the findings of scientists.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Crumbling Infrastructure

As with climate change, it is scientists and engineers making the claims as to the perils of our outdated - and therefore dangerous – infrastructure. Or, as I like to call them, “alarmists.” Furthermore -er wait – 20 million gallons of water just erupted from a 100 year old water main, flooding UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion. Gotta run.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

When I Told Her I Enjoyed Short Stories...

… she asked “Are you a fan of O. Henry?” To which I said “Are you kidding?! I love those candy bars!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Wouldn't It Be Great If An Interviewer Asked This of Kanye West?

“What is your personal definition of a dickhead? And please don’t hide behind angrily retorting something like ‘you’ because, while I think there could be no finer compliment paid to someone than to be called a ‘dickhead’ by Kanye West, that would – technically speaking - be an ‘example.’ What I’m asking for is your personal definition of a dickhead. The floor is yours.”

OK, if not that, then an interview of him with Bill O’Reilly, each party pledging in writing to write a check to the other’s favorite charity if they should be the one to initiate physical contact with the other in any way, shape or form.

C’mon, admit it that would be one fascinating interview.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala