I've Actually Said This a On a Crowded Subway Car:

“Let me through! I’m a doctor! Well…. I took a year of premed.”

BILL

My Personal Fab Four

For my money, Peter, Paul & Mary were the finest foursome in the history of pop music, the Invisible Man’s pitch perfect harmonies and lush vocal arrangements making for an incomparable sixties folk sound.

BILL

PS - On Twitter at BillBekkala

Now That's Just Plain WRONG!

I can do an amazing imitation of Uncle Charley from “My Three Sons,” but I only do it while playing Twister with six-year olds.

BILL

PS - Follow me on Twitter at BillBekkala (or not...)

Good News and Bad News Re The Obamacare Rollout

The bad news is that the problems with the website can never, ever, ever be fixed. And that is tragic.

The good news, however, is that several knowledgeable sources inside the White House have confirmed that through this entire crisis the President has been wearing his flag pin.

Let’s try to focus on the positive, people.

BILL

My Most Embarrassing Moment

I was visiting John Kennedy’s grave at Arlington National Cemetery when I tripped, spilling my 44-ounce Big Gulp. As bad luck would have it, the entire soda landed smack dab on top of Kennedy’s eternal flame, completely dowsing it and causing it to be extinguished. Man, you should have seen the looks I got.

Oh, and I once split the crotch on my pants when I was seven and the teacher had to staple them together but that’s a distant second.

BILL

Next Friday is "National Typical Tweet Day"

All tweets must be similar to 99% of all other tweets sent during an average day. A few examples:

Pasta I’m making sure smells great.

Ugh. Just not feeling up 2 anything today. And U?

Who doesn’t love buttered popcorn while watching movies?

Weather turning for the worse. (Grumpy face) Think I’ll stay inside.

Think “excruciatingly banal waste of time for the reader, even if in three second increments” as a guide.

BILL

Lee Harvey Oswald Bashing Week Continues on KBIL

You’ll recall that Dallas Police detective Jim Leavelle, handcuffed to Oswald prior to the latter’s transfer, said to him: “Well, Lee, I hope if someone takes a shot at you they’re as good a shot as you are.”

Now think about this. A man has just accused you of the horrific crime of killing the President. Now if you did not commit this act and knew yourself to be wholly innocent of the charge, how furious would your wrath be in calling into question this man’s ancestry for having the audacity to let fly such an utterly insulting remark?

Oswald, however, merely laughed.

BILL

PS - Follow me on Twitter at BillBekkala

An addendum to My Post of 11/15/13

Still handcuffed to the fatally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, Dallas Police Detective Jim Leavelle tells that he leaned directly over the assassin’s face and said words to the effect of: “You’re hurt real bad. Is there anything you might want to say right now?”

Now if you believe the Dallas Police Department was in on what is truly history’s silliest conspiracy – and certainly Leavelle himself would have been part of such a ruse - it stands to reason that he would claim Oswald’s dying words would be something akin to “I killed Kennedy.” Instead, Leavelle states that Oswald merely shook his head “no” before drifting into unconsciousness.

Yes, sadly, a loser got two out of three.

BILL

Those Quirky, Lovable Aphorisms of Yankees Catcher, The Late Yogi Berra

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

“It’s déjà vu all over again.”

And my personal favorite: “Hey, Boo-Boo, I believe the Ranger won’t catch us taking this pic-a nic basket.”

BILL

Tragic Bullet There, Lee

Since he killed my President and has – in the minds of many – been getting away with it for half a century, what say we do a joke at Lee Harvey Oswald’s expense? The man on the left in the iconic photo of Oswald being shot by Jack Ruby was a Dallas police officer named Jim Leavelle. Handcuffed to JFK’s assassin prior to the latter’s transfer, Leavelle said to him: “Well, Lee, I hope if someone takes a shot at you they’re as good a shot as you are.”

BILL


PS: On Twitter at BillBekkala

This Is a Story About a Welshing Witch:

That’s right, Stevie Nicks, you still owe me five bucks from that game of Snooker you lost at Clancy’s the other night.

BILL

PS: On Twitter at BillBekkala

My Derailed Rendezvous With Death

I was killed by kindness once but paramedics revived me, one applying CPR, the other hurling the cruelest of insults my way.

BILL

(On Twitter at: BillBekkala)

If It Is True That You Are What You Eat...

… one best avoid nuts or jerky.

BILL

PS - Join me on Twitter at Bill Bekkala

Mythbusting 101 - "Slow and steady wins the race."

Tell that to the crowd who laughed until they peed at my 1:09:07 time in the hundred yard dash back in high school.

BILL

PS - I'm on Twitter at Bill Bekkala

“Live every day as if it were your last.”

(Sworn enemy of the dental floss industry.)

BILL

PS: I'm on Twitter at Bill Bekkala

The Day Obama Held Me Hostage

Well before becoming President, Barack Obama broke into my apartment, gun in hand, rifling through my things and threatening to kill me when it was all over.

I begged for my life, tears streaming down my face, my fear and frustration all to evident, and I reminded him time and again that his plans for escape were ludicrous and to please, please not kill me.

“If I want to kill you, I’ll kill you, period,” he uttered coldly each time.

This went on for several minutes, me trying to convince him of the futility of escape, him reminding me repeatedly that when it was all over I was a dead man. “Period.”

In the end, he slipped out a back window, having loosened the knots prior to making his escape and thus allowing me to free myself of the ropes. The final knot undone, I ran to the open window and shouted as Obama leapt over the backyard fence. “Hey! What the hell? You said you were going to kill me. You’re nothing but a g*****n liar!”

BILL

That's One Small Stumble For Mankind

If the folks currently in Congress bemoaning the less than stellar rollout of Obamacare were in the same positions back in January of 1967 – when a launch pad test of Apollo One resulted in the three capsule-entrapped astronauts being fried to a crisp - I highly doubt man would have ever set foot on the moon. (And don’t even get me started on what would have been their December 8, 1941 flag of surrender to the Japanese.)

BILL

Howling at The Name

It’s a little known fact that the sixties rock band Steppenwolf was originally named Steppenwolfdung. Not unwisely, they shortened their name.

BILL

PS - Hey! You can find me at "Bill Bekkala" (Just don't tell the thirteen children I've spawned.)

To This Day I Love Monkey Bars

And, when duly inebriated, have been known to plant myself at a bar stool and flirt shamelessly with an orangutan or chimpanzee.

BILL

PS - You can find me on Twitter at "Bill Bekkala" (I think...) when not at a monkey bar.