"Good Friday"

I believe these words to be redundant, nay superfluous. Repetitive even.

BILL

Free Kindle!

My college roomy, Stosh Kindle, has been rotting away in jail in the tiny Eastern European country of Imkidinya for failure to floss. (C’mon! We’ve all done that!)

Free Kindle!

BILL

Bon Chance, Guillaume!

Because I sent five bucks to his reelection campaign, took three years of French and say “oui-oui” whenever announcing that I’m heading into the john - “Jean” as I pronounce it - I’m on President Obama’s short list for the next ambassadorship to France! Sacre merde!

BILL



Twitter: @BillBekkala

"Go Down" (On Second Thought "Get Down!")

Granted, I can’t actually prove this theory but I believe that if you piped in Gilbert O’Sullivan’s 1973 hit “Get Down” along the sidewalks of the Golden Gate Bridge, the suicide rate would, yes, plummet. Someone was quick to remind me, however, that if one mistakenly played the same singer’s “Alone Again (Naturally)” the aforementioned suicide rate would likely triple.

BILL

Thought For The Day

Smile more often!!!



If you forward this email to seven other people, good fortune will come your way by day’s end!



If, however, you send it to either six or less people OR eight or more people, there is an uncomfortably high possibility that you and your entire family will be horribly disfigured for life.



BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Memories, Like The Coroners of My Mind

Yes, fond are the memories of my days as a highly paid air traffic controller, when I could afford the three-martini lunch.

Alas, those days are no more.

BILL

"Grandpa Looks Like Uncle Felix When He's Passed Out"

These are the kind of stress-relieving quips that make it so beneficial to have children under five present at each and every memorial service.

BILL

Lord Dunce More

Call me crazy but I can’t help thinking that every child ever forced to wear a dunce cap later became a serial killer.

(I wore the DUNCE cap several times and each time it was plopped upon my head I would grab my top hat and cane and break out into song, dancing about the classroom like Fred Astaire, thinking as I did that the cap read “DANCE” and thus proving the soundness of my teacher’s decision.)

BILL

My Son Cletus Is Such a Cad!

I bought him a Swiss Army Knife and he asked if Switzerland even had an army. “Why don’t you go to Wikipedia and find out,” I replied.

“You mean I’d have to go all the way to Switzerland?!”

BILL

KIA Announces Its New Model!

The DOA.

BILL

Oh What a Beautiful Morning!

Oh what a beautiful day. Yes, as I do each morning, today I awakened to enjoy my hot Swiss Miss, Ursula and I having dated for three years now.

BILL

Yes, It IS True That I'm Wearing 33% of My Footwear

My wear-to-work shoes, my wear-at-work shoes and my sneakers.

(Of course this also means that I’m simply waiting for someone dear to me to get married or die, at which time I’ll be back to 25%.)

BILL

It's Limerick Time, Kids!

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose position on limericks was “Fuck it.
I don’t have the time,
To come up with some rhyme
That will spark a good chuckle from readers.”

BILL

Why I Don't Like Bryant Gumbel

Because I don’t trust him.

Why don’t I trust him?

Because every single time on every single airing of “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” at the end of every single pre-taped segment he is scribbling away just prior to looking up to the reporter just featured who now awaits Bryant’s follow-up questions.

What could he possibly be writing!!? And why does he stop exactly 1.8 seconds after they cut to him? Sorry, but it reeks of a feigned casualness by someone who is clueless as to how it appears to an attentive viewer who sees it done time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time. May I call it “pretentiousness?” without giving offence? Why it would be an honor.

Oh! And I’ve caught him cheating at my Wednesday night poker games.

BILL