What a Boz(o)

When I first heard the 1976 record “Lowdown” by Boz Scaggs – still one of my favorites – for whatever reason I thought he was black. Then I saw him perform on Saturday Night Live and went: “Hey, the dude’s white!”

However when I first heard Bozo the Clown, I simply knew he had to be white.

BILL

Bummer

My career as a typewriter repairman has come to an ignominious end. Seems I grossly underestimated the superior quality of typewriters made in today’s market, having rarely gotten any calls or even walk-ins to my repair shop during the last few years.

BILL

My Funny Valentine

In the early seventies, I never missed an episode of ABC’s “Room 222,” so fervent was my hot for teacher crush on “Miss Alice Johnson” as played by the lovely and aptly-named Karen Valentine. I mention this only because, well, who would ever think that lo these many years later, I’d still be stalking her?

BILL

My Trip To The Big Apple

There I was, in Midtown Manhattan, barely squeezing through my tuba and sporting an impish smile. Seeking out just the right person, I strolled up to a well-dressed, briefcase-toting gentleman and inquired, “Excuse me, sir. How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”

He thought it over while rubbing his chin, then pointed south and replied: “It’s on the east stretch of Seventh Avenue between West 56th Street and West 57th, two blocks south of Central Park,” before heading off.

Imagine my disappointment….

BILL

Devouring My Succulent Barbequed Ribs Last Night...

… I thought to myself, “Man, I’m in hog heaven! And all thanks to a hog in heaven.”

BILL

News Item

At this minute, Yahoo’s “Trending Now” category lists the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill at number nine, while reality TV personage Kate Gosselin tops the charts at number one.

I believe I’ve single-handedly solved the mystery as to how the disaster occurred in the first place.

BILL

Failure is An Option (Depending On Circumstances)

Here is the exact quote from former NASA Flight Director Gene Kranz when he addressed his flight engineers re the imperiled astronauts of Apollo 13 following its 1970 in-flight explosion: "Gentlemen, we have never lost a man in outer space and, really, to be perfectly honest with you, it just wouldn't sit right with me if such an occurrence were to transpire in these ensuing days. That being the case, I implore you to do everything in your power to see to it that such an untoward incident does not occur, particularly, if such were to transpire while I am on duty, for this would bother me infinitely more and erode my confidence far more than if it would were it to happen on someone else's shift. I know that sounds petty, but, well, that's just the way it is, fellas, what can I say? Therefore - and let me be perfectly frank here - failure - while granted it has a stubborn and oft-mysterious way of rearing its ugly head from time to time, marring even the most perfectly planned venture - is not something we - and when I say 'we' I mean all of us gathered in this flight room - care to encounter on this mission. Perhaps in some as yet to be defined future but certainly not this mission. Now I really hope I'm not asking too much, but if I am, well, maybe we can work something out. Sound good, everybody?"

The screenwriters to the film “Apollo 13”, not unwisely, changed this to: "We never lost an American in space and we're sure as hell not going to lose one on my watch! Failure is not an option!"

BILL

USA Child Mortality Rate

What can you say about a country that ranks 42nd in its child mortality rate, behind yes, even Cuba, except: “USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!”

BILL