Gushing Praise

Joe Hazelwood, captain of the Exxon Valdez, whose comparatively puny 11 million gallons of oil foulled Alaskan shorelines in 1989, when asked what he thought of the current BP oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico: “Lemme tell ya, if I were any happier, I’d be Gary Condit on 9/11.”

BILL

This Attorney's Generally Blowing It All

Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal is in hot water for repeated “misstatements” re having fought during the Vietnam War when, in reality, he never did.

Please, folks, let’s not be so hard on the man. I can’t tell you how many times I have inadvertently blurted out the words: “When Neil and I walked on the moon.”

BILL

He Also Would Have Tripped Paul Revere's Horse

A good friend pointed out to me that Kentucky’s U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul chastised President Obama as “un-American” for criticizing the company whose oil spill is currently gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. That company of course being “British Petroleum.” BILL

What a Country!!!

Bristol Palin, one of the grand thinkers of our time, is commanding $30,000 speaking fees. Now may we please cease with the death knell of free enterprise/capitalism?

BILL

PS – Now if you don’t find this amusing, try conjuring the text read by the person introducing her.

It Bears Repeating

The BP Oil Spill, in addition to the lesser concerns of both economic and ecological devastation, has also, by virtue of the glut of media time devoted to it, seriously cut in to my time in keeping up with the Kardashians. An egregious affront to any principled viewer of television. In this sense, I categorize this event as nothing short of an irreparable disaster.

BILL

"Iron Man"

It’s a little known fact that “Iron Man” was originally pitched as “Geritol Man,” but the studio – quite wisely I might add - nixed the idea, thus ensnaring the broader PG-13 crowd. That stated, I do believe “Geritol Man” would have opened quite strongly in St. Petersburg, FL.

BILL

Bill's Suffocating Humor

When I was little, my two brothers and I played “Abandoned Fridge” for hours on end until one day, suddenly and with great anxiety, Mother demanded we stop. To this day, Smedley and I fondly reflect upon the giddy days of our childhood.

BILL

I'm Not Saying I'm Lazy But...

… I would enjoy fortune cookies far more if they would simply do away with the fortunes.

Moreover, I have spent inordinate sums and committed endless years studying fortune cookies and now believe them to have little connection – if any – to my life per se. Inherent inconsistencies abound, and I have come to strongly suspect these pithy insights are placed on my table in entirely random fashion and are not intended to enlighten me, the actual recipient in any way whatsoever.

BILL

Call Me Crazy...

… but I’ll bet Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer used the “F” word at least once in his life.

BILL

Call Me Crazy...

… but I’ll bet Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer said the “F” word at least once in his life.

BILL