Guess who wants to do away with The Foreign Corrupt Practices Act?

What, you have to ask?

BILL

PS: Going dark for awhile. Maybe longer. Be well.

How I KNOW I'm a Natural Smart Ass - Round Two:

There are occasions when the very first words I say to someone are: “This is not sarcasm when I say…”

BILL

Midwin Charles

Caught this very sharp lady yesterday and, oh, how I love a properly framed argument. She noted how POUTus is constantly denigrating Robert Mueller’s investigation and character. She then asked: If you knew you were innocent would you time and again slam the integrity and professionalism of the one person who could vindicate you?

The question kind of answers itself, doesn’t it?

BILL

This is Worse Than When I Had Heel Spurs

Been a bitch trying to sleep of late. Flo keeps saying I wake up panting and sweating and crying out “Is a mother and child crossing the border?” She of course corrects me with a hard slap and says “It’s ARE a mother and child crossing the border, dumb ass.” Scheduled an appointment with a shrink to talk all this through but I’m not optimistic.

BILL

Two Years In...

… POUTus has yet to visit those war zone troops he claims to care so much about. Perhaps those noisome heel spurs are flaring up again.

BILL

What Comes of Zero Empathy

So despite our intelligence agencies stating with “high confidence” that the Saudi prince ordered the gruesome death of a human rights advocating Washington Post reporter, POUTus lets it slide due to what he deems more important business relationships with Saudi Arabia. Who will be the enterprising reporter who asks: “Mr. President, if your daughter Ivanka, during a visit to the Middle East, was kidnapped, gang raped, tortured and murdered, and our intelligence agencies stated with high confidence that the Saudi prince was behind this grim deed, would your present allegiance to business still adhere and if not, why not? Just curious.”

BILL

Alas, I Grow Old

I’m getting up there in years yet still feel the exact same way I did as a young man: sucker-punched time and again by life and tossed only the most meager rations of acclaim, well-chewed bones that could never mirror the bountiful heaps of praise of which I’ve been so unjustly denied.

(Do I sound bitter?)

BILL

Beware False Equivalencies and Dunderheads Who Wheeled Them

Interior Secretary, Ryan Zinke, blamed California’s “radical environmentalists” for our recent fires. “It’s not time for finger-pointing,” Zinke said. “We know the problem. It’s been years of neglect, and in many cases (FINGER-POINTING ALERT!!) it’s been these radical environmentalists that want nature to take its course.”

He then noted Finland’s “healthy forests” as way of comparison. (Fires scorched forested areas in Lapland, a remote northern province near Finland’s border.) However, rainfall since May near where California’s Camp Fire started was at 0.7inches. The May-November rainfall in Rovaniemi, Lapland’s capital, was 15.76 inches. (That’s 22.5 times more rain!)

Moreover, California’s Santa Ana winds, which dry out vegetation as they whip through canyons and passes, don’t exist in Finland’s relatively flat country.*

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

* Source: 11/20/18 Los Angeles Times

My (True) "Bite" Out of The Big Apple

Having never been to New York City, I was thrilled at the prospect of seeing the Manhattan skyline from high above. Instead I flew into LaGuardia through a thick bank of clouds, landed in an absolute fog, stayed on the plane for half an hour before flying off again to Baltimore/Washington.

I kid you not. It might as well have been Kansas, for all I saw of “New York City” were endless fog-shrouded fields then endless cloud cover.

BILL

Meet The Beagle

My beagle Pugsley was so cute yesterday when I turned on the radio and “Dancing In The Moonlight” was playing, his tail wagging like a maniac. I could almost see the smile on his face. Then “Afternoon Delight” came on next and the little bastard bit me!

BILL

Heavenly Muse Sick

Believers in an everlasting after-life need to familiarize themselves with the concept of “forever.” Let’s see how rapturously ecstatic inhabitants of the Promised Land are upon taking in their 152,433,217th beautiful sunrise.

BILL

Call me crazy but...

… I am convinced that, had electronics existed in days of yore, a significant number of Greek tragedies would have been penned about lost TV remotes.

BILL

Crappiness Is a Warm Gun

In these bitter, contentious days, it’s important to find common ground where we can, and I have little doubt all of us know deep in our heart that Ian David Long, the Thousand Oaks shooter, was a Trump voter. (And remember, Trumpettes, you may not be too comfortable with Ian, but he was comfortable with you.)

BILL

Great Constitutional Thinkers Re The 14th Amendment

“It was always told to me that you needed a constitutional amendment. Guess what? You don’t! You can definitely do it with an act of congress. But now they’re saying I can do it just with an executive order.”

Donald J. Trump
45th President to The United States

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration)

BILL

Billy's First Poop

I still fondly recall when I first mastered “going to the bathroom.” “Strain, little Billy,” my mother said as I sat atop my Mister Fees-Ease Bathroom Helper, her encouraging words bolstering my shaky confidence to master going alone. Finally, the joyful release occurred.

“Wow!” I said loudly. “That was neat!”

Mom smiled, handing me my ninth grade biology book.

BILL

And Now It's Time To Play: "Which is More Embarrassing!?"

POUTus promising to have Congress pass a middle class tax cut before the election, even though Congress is not in session?

OR

POUTus believing that he can personally overturn the 14th Amendment to the very Constitution he swore to uphold when he placed his hand on the bible that he reads more than anyone that reads: “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Lunar Tunes

I sure hope that, during a take in the moon sequence of the film "First Man," Ryan Gosling - in full Neil Armstrong regalia - broke out into song and dance with a little something I like to call "City of Stars."

BILL

It's Not Monday Morning Quarterbacking When Done in Real Time

(The metaphor applies to baseball.)

The Los Angeles Dodgers deserved to lose the World Series.

You’re down 2-1 in games, but up 4-0 in Game 4 at home in the 7th inning. Your starter has allowed only one hit. He walks the first batter. (No need to panic. Don’t forget, you have a four run lead late in the game!) He strikes out the next batter and he’s pulled! The boos debuted as soon as Manager Dave Roberts walked out onto the field and grew increasingly louder the closer he got to the mound, that is to say: in real time! A series of relief pitchers then imploded like the controlled implosion that felled Building 7 on 9/11. (That was a joke.)

BILL

How I KNOW I'm a Natural Smart Ass:

Many times I want to delicately say something to someone and I think to myself: “OK, now say it so you don’t come off like a smart ass.” Then I say it and – as I’m uttering the words – I’m thinking to myself: “Man, does that sound smart ass!”

BILL

PS: I’m not joking.

The ONLY Academic Lesson I Can Recall From College

My physics professor claimed there were three rules of physics:

F = MA (Force = Mass times Acceleration)

You can’t push on a rope.

And: Physics is fun.

I wish I could remember his name because, dog gone it, he did make physics fun.

BILL

"World's Worst Cover-Up"

This is how POUTus describes the shenanigans following the Saudi murder of – “enemy of the people,” (POUTus’ words, not mine), Washington Post reporter Jamal Khashoggi.

Sorry, but if we’re talking “world’s worst cover-up” I still place it behind the infamous Trump Tower meeting. (That stated, I still get a little verklempt when I think about Donald Trump Jr.’s sincere and abiding concern for Russian orphans. He is such a sweet and unfairly maligned hero in my eyes.)

BILL

Ahhhhhh, The Innocence of Youth

I recall a 1974 article on tennis star, Jimmy Connors. It referenced him attending UCLA for one year and an argument he had had with a professor. The anecdote ended with: “Dear me” was not what Connors said.

My inquisitive mind wondered: Gee, what did Connors say?

BILL

His Version of Letting Freedom Ring

So charitable of POUTus to clamor for "due process" in defending the Saudi Prince re the killing of reporter -- whoops! excuse me - where are my manners? - "enemy of the people" Jamal Khashoggi, especially in light of the fact that due process does not exist in Saudi Arabia.

BILL

Oh, delicious irony...

Citing “incompetence” in California’s fire management strategy and that we had “better get our act together,” POUTus stated: “We’re just not going to continue to pay the kind of money we’re paying because of fires that should never be to the extent.” (sic) * For now I’ll set aside the implicit “to the extent that what?”

The irony - aside from citing incompetence - would be POUTus – who on Sunday opined that global warming might “go back” - having for years belittled the very idea of climate change and the predicted wildfires that the… ahem… “alarmists” said would come about as a result of continuing drought conditions.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

* Source: 10/18/18 Los Angeles Times

The Place is Right

I dated a lady with a real wacky side - and think about that: ME calling someone else "wacky." Anyway, during... ahem... the nasty, she would now and again call out: To quote Johnny Olson: "Come on down!!!"

BILL

"The end justifies the means.”

For years, this phrase troubled me, sensing as I did a fallacy within it. Then one day it hit me: There is no end and memories are long.

BILL

Donald Trump, the Science Chump

POUTus weighed in on climate change on “60 Minutes” Sunday night, acknowledging (I suppose) that the earth is warming, but then immediately asserting that “it could go back,” “knowledge” likely attributed to a random crew member he overheard during his days on “The Apprentice.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I once caught a puck at a hockey game. Born and bred of noble manners, I climbed over the glass, then slid my way out onto the ice in my Hush Puppies and said: “Excuse me, fellas, but I believe this belongs to you.” The cops at the station later said this was the funniest thing they’d ever heard and simply could not stop laughing.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell:

It’s been my experience that there are very few problems that cannot be handled by way of a “good, swift kick in the ass.” This notion on my part also led to my nickname “Swifty” back when I headed the pediatric burn ward.

BILL

Lyin' Eyes (NOT the tune)

Dear “Brat” Kavanaugh: Whatever happened to your once fervent advocacy of polygraphs used in conjunction with federal job vetting? It’s vanishing only makes me believe your accuser. C’mon, buddy, grow a pair! Your testicles need not be used solely as impetus for attempted rape. (But don’t forget: She not only wanted to take a polygraph, but passed it as well. The plot thickens...)

BILL

My McDonald’s Job Interview

When I was seventeen, I had a job interview to be the French fry cook at our local McDonald’s. Here is an excerpt from that interview:

McDONALD’S: Were we to hire you, Mr. Bekkala, would you ever help yourself to some of the French fries you were being asked to cook?

ME: I like French fries! What, you don’t like French fries?

McDONALD’S: My question is a specific one: would you ever—

ME: Do I like French fries? Yes, I like French fries. Any maybe I’ve taken some I wasn’t technically entitled to, OK? What, you haven’t?

McDONALD’S: Mr. Bekkala, what we’re trying to ascertain is—

ME: I know what this is all about. This is a hit job, plain and simple. This is a calculated hit job intended as payback for my having worked the shake machine at Burger King. That’s what this is!

McDONALD’S: Back to my question: would you ever help yourself to some of the French fries you were being asked to cook?

(silence)

McDONALD’S: You’re not going to answer the question?

ME: I like French fries, OK? We all like French fries. Yes, occasionally I have eaten too many French fries.


(Now the crazy thing is: They still hired me.)

BILL

Like Father Like Son

In the wake of the Brat Kavanaugh hearings, Donald Trump Jr. has opined that he now fears more for his sons than his daughters, leading one political wag – me – to opine: “Well, aren’t we all light years beyond thrilled not to be Donald Trump Jr.’s daughter.”

BILL

When All The Laughter Dies in Sorry Spectacle:

Even if we assume that members of the United Nations were laughing with Trump and not at him as he claims, this leads to the question: “OK, Mr. President, but what were you laughing at.”

BILL

Ford Theatre

Eighty-five year old white male Senator, Chuck Grassley, is losing women voters for the Republican party – in real time - by the thousands with each word he speaks.

Having a woman conducting the questioning of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford at the Kavanaugh hearing is why I say “GOP” stands for “gathering of pu**ies.”

What you NEVER hear from the Cosbys, Kavanaughs, Weinsteins, O’Reillys, etc. is: “Not only do I deny these charges BUT ANYONE WHO WOULD ENGAGE IN SUCH BEHAVIOR IS A DESPICABLE WRETCH OF A HUMAN BEING UNWORTHY OF ANY POSITION OF AUTHORITY.”

A fundamental difference between the parties is this: if Kavanaugh were a Democrat, most Democrats – myself included - would still believe his accusers, this hypothetical setting aside of course the historic precedent that most all of these scoundrels tend to be Republicans.

Heard Sean Hannity last night say that Trump is all about transparency. Two words, Sean: “Tax returns.” (The floor is yours.)

BILL

I have no punch line, for it would be superfluous

At the U.N. yesterday, POUTus, laughed at by several in the crowd when he bragged that his administration was one of the most accomplished in U.S. history, quickly stated that it “wasn’t the reaction I was expecting.” Later, however, he tweeted that he “meant to get some laughter.” Unfortunately, that would mean admitting that he knew he could get laughs simply by bragging of his accomplishments.

BILL

"Here's to the end of a beautiful friendship."

NEWS ITEM: Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s freshman roommate at Yale University came forward late Monday, describing Kavanaugh as “a heavy drinker” who became “aggressive and belligerent” when drunk.

EDITORIAL: I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you!

BILL

Orange is The New Blockhead

Donald Trump once sued Bill Maher for $5 million for claiming that he believed Trump was the spawn of an orange hair orangutan. This is our president, folks.

BILL

I gotta be honest....

… if I’d known in 2016 that POUTus essentially bragged on 9/11 about his now having the tallest building in Manhattan after the World Trade Center fell, I‘m positive I would have voted for him, basing my decision on the moral certainty that “This, this is a man of character worthy of representing our nation in the Oval Office.”

BILL

I’m starting a Lou Reed cover band:

“The Velveeta Underground.” Sure, our sound’s a little cheesy but still.

BILL

Thirty Five Year Old Plot Spoil:

In “The Dead Zone” a presidential candidate uses a baby as a shield to avoid gunfire, thus ending his political career. Think how heartless that is. Endangering a helpless child just to serve your end. Kind of like trying to curb immigration by separating toddlers from their parents. Factoring in the psychological damage done to such innocents and multiplying by hundreds, I like to think of these little ones – who in years to come will likely harbor tremendous bitterness toward the country that so damaged them - as “future terrorists.”

BILL

Post titleThese Two Things I Know:

One: I will die someday. Two: Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh will never agree to a lie detector test, this despite his denial of attempted rape and knowing full well that – were he innocent – his accuser would clearly be attempting to destroy him. And yet he rejects the very tool that could expose her most brazen lie.

Oh, well. I guess you did it, Brett.

BILL

As Best I Can Tell...

… POUTus mainly does only three things, all of which relate to pouting. One, he watches FOX News to obtain his pout material. Two, tweets out his pouting. Three, attends rallies where – essentially – all he does is pout.

BILL

Carolina On His Mind

Unlike with Puerto Rico, when POUTus said to its Governor that he should “get in touch with the leader of his own country if he wanted help.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Gwyneth Paltrow Wins Best Actress: 1999 Oscars

Watched this (unattached) clip for the first time in 20 years and, while Ms. Paltrow gave a fine performance, it always irked me that she thanked – by my count – 23 people by name in her acceptance speech, including two corpses, but failed to thank the very screenwriters (Marc Norman and Tom Stoppard) who earlier won the Best Original Screenplay Oscar for a film entitled – oh, irony of ironies – “Shakespeare in Love.”

BILL

PS: But be of good cheer. She did thank Harvey Weinstein.

Dumb Founded

If I voted for POUTus I would never, ever admit to it. Imagine the battered self-esteem metastasizing within those who now know – beyond any doubt – that they were never savvy to the rebel ways of a self-proclaimed swamp drainer whose dubious business “acumen” would foil the feckless ways of Washington, but were instead the easily-conned marks of a lunatic one man shit show whose only significant legislative “accomplishment” will likely be a massive tax cut for himself and others like him, leaving those he duped holding the bag under frayed, Made in China MAGA caps.

BILL

OK, maybe I'm NOT so good with money.

I once hired a skywriter to imprint across the sky the entire text of John Steinbeck’s classic novel, “The Grapes of Wrath.” In retrospect, not the wisest idea, especially considering the fact that the pilot died prior to getting to that great Tom Joad – Henry Fonda in the film - speech at the end. Bummer.

BILL

"Birth Control"

Or as SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh calls it: “Abortion-inducing drugs.” Are we clear now, everybody? Have everything we need to know? Ladies? Thoughts?

BILL

Blinded by Delight

I have a theory that there exist no bad pictures of actress Blake Lively or Beyonce. Since no one has ever disproven my theory, it therefore continues its inexorable march toward universal law.

BILL

The Court of Private Opinion

Dear Brett Kavanaugh: I am sooooooooo relieved to hear of your respect for precedent – not “president” mind you – and am now well assuming you will not turn out to be a ball-bearing weasel whose sole – not “soul” mind you - reason for living is to overturn Roe v. Wade.

BILL

"Three Billboards Outside Washington, DC”

INSANELY FIXATED UPON STOPPING MUELLER INVESTIGATION

DESPITE ENDLESS INDICTMENTS AND GUILTY PLEAS/VERDICTS

HOW COME, MR. PRESIDENT?

Imagine you're a drill sergeant who just won the lottery

I mean, how do you stay over-the-top impatient, ornery and insulting after you’ve won $58 million? “Down and give me fifty, maggot!! Did I say ‘maggot?’ Man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Gimme… gimme three pushups, OK? That oughta do it. There you go. All right! Back in line now, fella. High five!”

BILL

Truth in Advertising

If Simon and Garfunkel truly had a sense of humor, they would have released their album "Sounds of Silence" as a record with absolutely no sound.

BILL

Man, I'm an Idiot!!

I just found out the phrase “lickety-split” means to do something real fast. I thought it was a sexual maneuver.

BILL

Security Blankettes

John Brennan, decades long civil servant, patriot and former head of the Central Intelligence Agency, had his security clearance taken away by POUTus for having criticized him. But fear not in this terror-ridden nuclear age, America, for Ivanka and Jared still have theirs.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Trumping Trump

The next time POUTus downplays Paul Manafort’s crimes, saying as he did on Wednesday that all lobbyist and consultants probably do such things, some gumption-fueled reporter should ask: If your daughter Ivanka should ever be brutally raped and beaten can we then expect you to say “People are brutally raped and beaten every day. What’s the big deal? Moreover, what about Hillary’s emails?”

BILL

"Flipping should almost be outlawed."

So said POUTus yesterday, clearly vexed over his attorney Michael Cohen’s willingness to work with prosecutors. Put another way: Cooperating with officials to see that those who violate the law are legally prosecuted should be against the law.

Well, so much for his presidential oath to see that the laws are faithfully executed per the Constitution.

But let’s dumb it down since we are talking Trump. Ask yourself this: Would he be even the least bit agitated if he had nothing to hide?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

The Child Speaketh:

“He happens to be a very good person and I think it very sad what they’ve done to him.”

This “very good person” is felon Paul Manafort, convicted by a jury of his peers yesterday of eight federal charges. Remember, kids, according to the one man clown car Manafort is the “very good” guy. The “disgrace” is Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who is investigating – among other things – Russian interference with our 2016 election. You know, the workings of our democracy.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

POUTus

The Child revokes John Brennan’s security clearance for “erratic” behavior – by the way, that’s called “irony”, kids – and considers revoking the same for his critics but convicted felon Michael Flynn gets to keep his.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

I bought a mouse pad from Office Depot.

It’s really cool! Got these tiny little recliners, a teensy-weensy fridge for cheese and a 4” hi-def screen that my mice watch “Tom & Jerry” cartoons on every afternoon. They love it!

BILL

Wow! Even I didn't expect THIS!!!

Evidently Trump has requested that a Russian flag be placed on the podium at all of his forthcoming rallies so he can dry hump that one as well.

BILL

Literary Gene? Yes!

I still fondly recall the endless hours I spent in my blanket fort, flashlight in hand, devouring one after the other in the entire series of “Indifferent George” books.

BILL

Rockets Go BA-ZOOM!! Child Gets Wished for Parade

(WASHINGTON – Associated Press) Little Donnie Trump was blissfully engaged in a game of marbles in his backyard sandbox when word was received that he would be able to have a front row seat at the very United States military parade for which he had longed.

“When I came out to the yard and told him the news he was absolutely ecstatic,” said Mary Anne Trump, the six-year-old’s mother, to a visiting reporter. “He was jumping up and down and spinning the propeller on his beanie cap and everything. He almost wet himself.”

“It’s gonna have Army men and jeeps and trucks and flags and bands and guns and rifles and big, huge, super gigantic rockets that go Ba-ZOOM!!!” Donnie said, spearing one arm high into the air. “But Daddy told me no tanks, which I think is VERY UNFAIR! He told me it has something to do with the roads and stuff but I don’t know…” he said, his voice trailing off.

When asked by a reporter why a military parade is necessary in these money tight times, Donnie lifted both his arms and flexed his biceps. “Because we’re STRONG and if you make us mad and stuff we’re gonna STOMP YOU INTO THE GROUND!!” And with that, the child Trump began to walk around his parents three acre yard, lifting his knees high before plunging the soles of his white sneakers into imaginary adversaries, all the while making miniature explosion noises with his mouth, spittle flying, with every destructive stomp of his feet.

“Rockets go BA-ZOOM!!” he again exclaimed. He then suddenly lowered his voice and confided in this reporter. “All the other kids at school and stuff? And people who don’t like me said my parade was a stupid idea. You know, like dumb and stuff. Like that bad girl Omarosa and my used-to-be-friend Mikey. They used to play with me and we’d have fun playing White House but I don’t like them anymore and they can’t play with me anymore because they told stuff on me. And another thing? Another thing.” His voice grew to a whisper. “That Omarosa girl, you know what? You know what? She’s just a DOG!!!” Donnie exclaimed, his voice rising to a triumphant scream on the final word of his sentence. A DOG!!!”

The parade, formally authorized as part of the John S. McCain National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2019 is scheduled for November 10 of this year.

Donnie says it was his idea for the parade. “I and I alone came up with the idea.” My Mommy and Daddy took me to a place called France you know – where they make French toast and French fries and French kissing and stuff – and they had a parade there called the Best Eel Parade – an eel is like a fish but more wigglier - and they had all sorts of COOL STUFF!! And I said I want a parade, too! Give me a parade! And now I’m gonna have one. With rockets, too! Because rockets go BA-ZOOM!!!”

BILL

Kanye Dig It?

Few things have amused me of late as much as Kanye West – who once famously opined that George W. Bush did not care about black people – being asked by Jimmy Kimmel why he thinks Trump cares about black people. And the bloated silence that ensued.

BILL

I've often wondered...

… what the generation who stormed the beaches of Normandy thinks of a generation that actually uses gel-filled keyboard wrists rests.

(Speaking of my cats, they’re doing fine, thank you.)

BILL

Criminal Records

When you burn a CD or download a song for free – you know, the one that fills your heart with joy, gives you a reason to live and may have helped you get through a troubled period of your life – what you’re really saying to the writer/performer is: “Here’s what you deserve: NOTHING! Now get back in the studio and write me another, bitch, cause you are nothing more than my musical slave.”

BILL

PS: Was that too harsh?

So this genie granted me one wish

I said “I want to go to bed with my hot California senator.” Next thing I knew I was in bed with Dianne Feinstein.

BILL

I rub people the wrong way.

I mean that literally. I rub them the wrong way, a rather twisted tendency of mine that often has resulted in reprimands from several HR departments and – a time or two – pressed charges.

BILL

I Don't Need More Cow Bell!

You rarely hear hand clapping in songs anymore. Yeah, I found a list when this thought hit me. I see a Taylor Swift on there and a Lady Gaga and am sufficiently ignorant of pop music today to not recognize a few band names that might qualify but for the most part this list is comprised of performers from “the olden days.” (By the way, it should include “Heartache Tonight” by the Eagles.)

What’s my point? My primary complaint about music today is that it is overproduced, an approach that would almost preclude even the notion of something as simple and joyful as hand claps infiltrating the main instrument mastered in today’s recording studio: the computer.

• 1234 - Feist
• 15 Step - Radiohead
• A Very Cellular Song - The Incredible String Band
• All The Young Dudes - Mott the Hoople
• Another One Bites The Dust - Queen
• Applause - Lady Gaga
• As Fast As You Can - Our Lady Peace
• Bennie And The Jets - Elton John
• Big Bang Baby - Stone Temple Pilots
• Black Man In A White World - Michael Kiwanuka
• Car Wash - Rose Royce
• Cemeteries of London - Coldplay
• Cherry, Cherry - Neil Diamond
• Cold Cold Cold - Cage the Elephant
• Comfort Eagle - Cake
• Compass - Lady Antebellum
• Coz I Love You - Slade
• Cut To The Feeling - Carly Rae Jepsen
• Dog Days Are Over - Florence + the Machine
• Every Goliath Has Its David - The Boy Least Likely To
• Genius Of Love - Tom Tom Club
• Get Down And Get With It - Slade
• Good at Tonight - David Nail
• HandClap - Fitz and the Tantrums
• Happiness - Kasabian
• Heartbeat - Mat Kearney
• Heat - Kelly Clarkson
• Hurts So Good - John Mellencamp
• I Decided - Solange
• I Love A Rainy Night - Eddie Rabbitt
• I'll Be There For You - The Rembrandts
• I'm Shakin' - Jack White
• In My Arms - Teddy Thompson
• Inside A Dream - Pet Shop Boys
• Jack & Diane - John Mellencamp
• Leave Love Alone - Carrie Underwood
• Little Red Corvette - Prince
• Living for the City - Stevie Wonder
• Lollipop - Mika
• Montego Bay - Bobby Bloom
• My Soul's Got Wings - John Mellencamp
• My Wild Love - The Doors
• Natalie - Bruno Mars
• Nervous - Shawn Mendes
• No Matter What - Badfinger
• One More Day - Snoop Dogg
• Paradise Circus - Massive Attack
• Private Eyes - Hall & Oates
• Radio Ga Ga - Queen
• Rebel Rouser - Duane Eddy
• Rock And Roll Part 2 - Gary Glitter
• S.O.B. - Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats
• Shake It Off - Taylor Swift
• Strawberry Swing - Coldplay
• Summertime Blues - Eddie Cochran
• Take The Money And Run - Steve Miller Band
• Talking To You - Izzy Bizu
• Team - Lorde
• That Girl - Jennifer Nettles
• The Chaser - Twin Atlantic
• The Lie - Of Mice & Men
• The Longest Time - Billy Joel
• These Days - Rudimental
• They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-haaa - Napoleon XIV
• Tighten Up - Archie Bell & the Drells
• Try - Pink
• We Are The World - USA for Africa
• What I Like About You - The Romantics
• Where Did Our Love Go - The Supremes
• With Love - Elbow

FOX News’s BRET BAIER: “Kim Jong Un is clearly executing people."

TRUMP: "He's a tough guy. Hey, when you take over a country, tough country, tough people, and you take it over from your father ... if you could do that at 27-years old, I mean, that's 1 in 10,000 that could do that."

(Now let’s do the same but for Hitler, just to see the child Trump’s hypothetical moral indignation over the man we all agree was evil incarnate.)

FOX News’s BRET BAIER: “Hitler is clearly executing people."

TRUMP: "He's a tough guy. Hey, when you take over a country, tough country, tough people. If you could do that at 45-years old, I mean, that's 1 in 10,000 that could do that."

BILL

My “Big Government” Story

In the wayward days of my youth, my brothers and I were directed by my father to apply waterproofing creosote to the new boat launch he had built. At one point, while watching us toil away, he uttered somewhat derisively: “Now, if you were doing this for the federal government, they’d have you wearing rubber gloves and goggles.”

Later that day, as the skin around my eyes was burned to such an extent that for the next couple days I more or less resembled a red-tinged raccoon, I turned to my father and said, “Guess this means I’ll be voting Democratic, huh Dad?”

(OK, I never actually said that but you get my point….)

BILL

PS – Dad thought Al Gore was an idiot….

Talk About Frauds

I nearly vomited upon seeing Donald Trump advocating the need to show an ID – you, know, like when you buy lettuce? – when voting as a means to prevent the non-existent “problem” of voter fraud, all in the wake of his chumming around with Vladimir Putin (who all our intel agencies say contaminated the 2016 election).

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

A Driving Farce

NEWS ITEM: For years, Donald Trump criticized Barack Obama for playing golf while on the job. “Can you believe that, with all of the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf," he tweeted Oct. 13, 2014. But since taking office, the number of confirmed golf outings is Trump 56, Obama 37.*

EDITORIAL: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: PolitiFact (5/18/2018)

Hot Hell California

Yes, as California continues to burn to the ground, just remember, folks, increasing and more severe wildfires are a predicted (albeit non-existent – WHEW!!) symptom of a hoax perpetrated upon us by the Chinese. At least that what I heard once from a Manhattan real estate developer.

BILL

Robbin' Hood

Despite having both a Republican House and Senate, the “great negotiator” has attained only one significant piece of legislation in a year and a half: a mega-tax cut for the rich.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Oh, c'mon, Rudy!

Two months ago, you, Rudy Giuliani, a former federal prosecutor, described former Trump attorney Michael Cohen as “an honorable honest attorney.” Now that it appears he is about to turn on his former client, you say Cohen can’t be trusted because he is a “pathological liar.” To quote James Mason in The Verdict: “Which is the lie?”

BILL

I fired my publicist.

If you were unaware I even had a publicist, well then this just proves I was correct in firing her.

BILL

Edge of Seventeen Years

What?! We ain’t hogtied Terror yet? And after 17 years!? What in tarnation is going on?! That sumbitch Terror is one wily rascal, let me tell you. As for me though? Why, I’ve roped and tied many a so-called “intangible concept” in my day.

BILL

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow.

Except on really, really hot days.

BILL

Lady Die

Many people still wonder how Princess Diana could have been killed two decades back, the “Her-driver-doing-85-miles-per-hour-in-a-tunnel” theory proving ever elusive.

BILL

“Do you believe in conspiracies?!”

An impassioned group of Houston, Texas Republicans doubled down on their support of a much beleaguered President Donald Trump yesterday in the wake of what was viewed by many as a disastrous summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Finland Monday. The group bore signs reading: “Trump & Vlad: Match Made in Heaven!” “To Russia With Love” “Hey, Bob Mueller! Let Russia Help!” “Jeff Lebowski Had It Right: Pour Me a White Russian!” and, to no one’s surprise, “Nostrovia!”

The President thanked the thousands who had gathered to support him by way of a live feed on a giant video screen broadcast to those in attendance. Despite having recently taken flak from members of his own party for his perceived overly deferential treatment of Putin in addition to siding with the Russian President – and thus opposing our own numerous intelligence agencies – in his denials of Russian interference in the 2016 election, the president seemed in good spirits. Beaming warmly to the cheering crowd, he clapped along after first walking up to and hugging a Russian flag that had been placed into the seventh hole of a golf course in the vicinity of the president’s Mar-a-Lago Resort in Palm Beach, Florida. The actual location was not divulged for security reasons.

“You’re amazing! You’re really amazing, I have to say,” the President said in speaking to the throng. “I want to let all of you know - believe me – that I had an amazing meeting with President Putin. He’s an amazing man! Just amazing. And he and I are going to be doing amazing things together. Just amazing. Believe me. Now all we need to do is put an end to this witch hunt!” At this, his customary dismissal of the Robert Mueller probe, the president was forced to stop speaking due to the extreme volume of the roar that emanated from the crowd. Within seconds, the decibel-shattering cheers turned into chants of “U.S.S.R.! U.S.S.R.! U.S.S.R.!,” the crowd seemingly oblivious to the fact that the U.S.S.R., the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, was dissolved decades ago.

“Let me tell you something, this so-called investigation?” President Trump said. “It’s amazing that this witch hunt is still going on. Just amazing. They’re finding nothing. And this Mueller guy—“ at which time a Niagara of boos exploded – “he’s just amazing. No collusion. There was no collusion, believe me. No collusion.”

Some in attendance were even calling into question the validity of the United States hockey team’s gold medal performance during the 1980 Olympics when the college-aged amateurs defeated the formidable U.S.S.R. hockey team in what is widely considered the single greatest upset in sports history.

“The thing about that game that most Americans don’t want to admit,” one red and white clad Houstonian said to a reporter, “is that if they had played ten times, the Russians would have easily beaten us nine out of the ten.”

A resident of Plano, Texas concurred, suggesting the possibility that the game itself never really even took place, putting forth the opinion that what was aired on ABC was nothing more than a staged event comprised of, not only a veritable casting call of hockey players and coaches, but thousands of extras paid to take on the role of USA cheering fans. “I mean, if you can fake dinosaurs in the movies and make them look real you sure as heck fire can fake a hockey game,” she said in defending her position. Others nearby nodded in agreement. The group soon began a chant of “Fake News! Fake News! Fake News!” One man held up a sign that seemed to mock play-by-play man Al Michaels’ famed call of “Do you believe in miracles?!” which came in the closing seconds of the American hockey team’s victory. The sign read: “Do you believe in conspiracies?!”

BILL

Upon Further Review...

… Trump’s right. Russia is our buddy. Welllllllllllll….all I’ve got to say to that is:

U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!!*

BILL

*I know. There is no more USSR, but the joke still works. Oh, wait! What am I talking about? I’m not joking. U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! (Can I get a Nobel Peace prize now?)

I got caught shoplifting this weekend

I plan on invoking the “sampling” defense, i.e. “I didn’t steal, Your Honor; I sampled.”

BILL “DIDDY” BEKKALA

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration. BILL

This Bad Deed Goes Unpunished

Trump taking Vladimir Putin’s word for it – as opposed to our various national security agencies - that Russia did not contaminate our 2016 election and then toasting a potential “extraordinary relationship” between the two men is like a rape victim proclaiming her hopes for an "extraordinary relationship" with her rapist.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

I Believe This Child Killed Our Future (With apologies to Whitney Houston)

This is one of the many reasons I call him “the child Trump.” He tweeted: “NATO countries must pay MORE, the United States must pay LESS. Very Unfair!” Like it’s written by a six year old. (Tommy has MORE ice cream than me! I got LESS! Very Unfair!)

BILL

Make America Hate Again

NEWS ITEM: “Hate crimes increased across California for the third straight year in 2017, an uptick experts have blamed on President Trump’s vitriolic rhetoric toward minorities and the resurgence of hate groups in the state. There were 1,093 reported hate crimes in California in 2017, a 17.4% increase.”

EDITORIAL: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

* Source: 7/11/2018 Los Angeles Times

Great Movie Quotes

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the woman.”

Tony Montana played by Al Pacino in 1983’s “Scarface.”

(If it helps, Tony was the villain.)

BILL

Wow! I Almost Forgot to Send This!

In these bitter, contentious times, it’s important to find common ground where we can, and I have little doubt all of us know deep in our heart that accused Annapolis Capital Gazette shooter Jarrod Ramos was a Trump voter. Remember, kids, according to the child Trump, the press is – as his mentor Josef Stalin made clear – the “enemies of the people.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Aging Powers

When I first caught “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” in 1997 there’s a scene where they show composer Burt Bacharach on top of a double decker bus singing and I thought “Good God, he looks old!” Caught it a year or so back and thought: “He doesn’t look all that old.”

BILL

The "Great Negotiator"

… gets played once again. America gets a pledge from North Korea to cease its nuclear activity, yet it continues per recent spy satellites. They get us to stop military exercises in that area while at the same time elevating their Looney Tunes leader to the same level as what we used to call in the olden days “the leader of the free world.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

My Beefeater With "Scent of a Woman"

In this 1992 film, Al Pacino’s character asks his young assistant to bring him a bottle of “John Daniels.”

The kid asks: “Don’t you mean Jack Daniels?”

“When you’ve known him as long as I have you call him John,” Pacino replies.

(This joke would have worked so much better if the liquor was actually called John Daniels.)

BILL

Hollywood is Filming My Life Story!!

“Bend It Like Bekkala”

And, yes, I’ll be attending the premiere, accompanied by no less than Angelina Jo -- (whoops, sorry, sneezed there!) – Angelina Johnson, my frumpy, drool-challenged neighbor.

BILL

"What are you waiting for?!"

Whenever a TV pitch announcer asks this I get real paranoid. You know, like: “How the hell does he know I’m just sitting here with the remote in my hand?”

BILL

Berned

This one goes out to all those ladies who simply lovvvvvvvvvvvvved Bernie and didn’t vote for Hillary because, well, “I just don’t like her.” Perhaps you’ll find a hanger more to your liking.

BILL

All Work and No Play Makes Bob a Dull Boy

Evidently Mrs. Mueller has not been happy with the amount of time her husband, Robert Mueller, is spending at the office investigating Donald Trump. In short, she misses “the Mueller probe.”

BILL

Bad Words Matter

Trump using the word “infestation” with regards to illegal immigrants rubs elbows with the Third Reich’s use of the word “vermin.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Kaiser Role Models

How about that Trump? Separating children from their parents like the Nazis did while deeming the press “the enemy of the people” like Stalin did. Such stellar role models.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Not Sharpie

Have you noticed how, whenever Trump signs a document, he uses a fat black marker then holds the paper up like a proud six-year-old so everyone can see his name, after all, it’s all about him? (If that sounds unfair, recall that he himself said in 2015: “When I look at myself in the first grade and I look at myself now, I’m basically the same. The temperament is not that different." So what say we hand him the keys to the nukes. What could possible go wrong?)

BILL

You’re invited to a party!!!

My expecting wife & I are holding a "Tender Age" shower!!

Ten years ago I wrote an essay on six reasons why torture is wrong. Here was one reason:

If you have to rename it in order to clean it up a bit, it's wrong. Don't believe me? Try these on for size. "Genocide." Good gosh, it even sounds nasty. What say we use "ethnic cleansing" instead? After all "ethnic" is good, right? Think "multicultural." Better yet "cuisine." And "cleansing?" Who but a slob would object? So "ethnic cleansing" it is!

I'm certain "forced prostitution" conjured up all things sordid in the minds of the Japanese military during World War II. "Let's call them 'comfort women' instead" was their likely reply. Ahhhhh, "comfort." Isn't that so much nicer? Cozy, in fact.

Let's try "final solution" shall we, in honor of the Nazis? "Solutions" are always great, are they not? And a "final" one? Even better! No more being mired in "What to do? What to do?"

(And so, my friends, we now arrive at the Trump Administration’s “tender age” euphemism used for the jailing of children and babies.)

BILL

Trump spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated:

“It is very biblical to enforce the law.” Thank you, Sarah, for your time-traveling defense of the fully legal (at the time) Holocaust.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Good Times Never Seemed So Good

I’m unfailingly happy every time I hear Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” up until the moment I realize my name is not Caroline.

BILL

Captain Clueless Strikes Again

“After 16 months, leaders of long-standing allies - all initially deferential to Trump and his famous ego – have grown frustrated and at times disapproving. Across 134 countries, the median approval of U.S. leadership dropped 18 points in Trump’s first year, to a record low of 30%. That was before Trump’s decision to withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal and impose tariffs on a number of allies, which further alienated many of them.”*

Or as Trump said at the Naval Academy last week: “We are respected again; I can tell you that. We are respected again.”

* Source: 6/8/18 Los Angeles Times

BILL

Lieving in Oblievion

Last week Trump bragged to the White House press corps re the details of the letter handed to him by a rep from North Korea. A few minutes later he admitted he had not yet read the letter.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

The Lunatic Has Taken Over The Asylum

Kim Jong-un is a sadistic tyrant who starves his own people, crushes any and all political dissent by imprisoning and torturing thousands upon thousands who dare speak out against him, denies his citizens freedoms of speech, press, assembly, association, religion and movement, along with denying them the ability to choose their government.

Or as Trump, who considered it a “great honor” to meet the North Korean dictator, labels him: “Very talented” and “very honorable.”

This, of course, leads to the question: Who wouldn’t he be honored to meet?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trum—ah, screw that. What a piece of shit.

BILL

Burning Down The House

During a May 25 phone call with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Donald Trump referenced the War of 1812, and accused the U.S. neighbor and ally of having once burned down the White House.

It was the British who did this. Moreover, Canada wasn’t even a country then.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Malice in Wonderland

Alienating decades-long allies while warming up to Russia and North Korea.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

(And, by the way, I’d give my left one to have Kim Jong-un look Trump in the eye and say: “Tell you what, babe: You get rid of yours and we’ll get rid of ours.”

BILL

PS: Nice job, Trumpettes!

The BAND the Eagles Had More Members!

Only two – that’s right, two – members or officials of the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles wanted to go to the White House, leading Trump to state that they disagree with him about standing for the National Anthem. (You know, the song Trump doesn’t know the words to?) In actuality, none of the Eagles players knelt during the National Anthem last year.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

If you're marching but not VOTING...

…. News Alert: You might as well stop marching. It’s not going to do any good.

BILL

Offense With No Defense

One of the people Trump pardoned for “having been treated very unfairly” - Dinesh D’Souza – not only pleaded guilty to the charges, but his attorney stated: “We have no defense, Your Honor.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Keeping Up With The Kardashians: White House Connection

How can one’s eyes not roll when Trump claims to not have time to meet Robert Mueller to discuss Russian interference in the 2016 election, you know, our democracy, but does have time for Kim Kardashian, with whom he met last Wednesday?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Call me crazy, but...

… I think the president killed Melania, buried her in the backyard (thus the recent… ahem… “sinkhole” on the White House lawn), coopted her Twitter account to send messages and make her appear alive, and has promulgated the notion that he can pardon himself for the inevitable murder charges certain to follow.

Maybe it’s me.

BILL

Pick Your Poison

I love how Trump says he “thrives on chaos” – code for “incompetence” spun as “chaos” - a quality one would view with abject horror with regards to say: the heart surgeon operating on your one-year old, an air traffic controller, a plumber, a pharmacist, etc.

Yet the rubes applaud this man’s numbskull approach to his job during a little thing I like to call “the nuclear age.” (Which is why I call them “rubes.”)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

It's Always Somethin'

Roseanne (Roseannadanna) - that was an age test by the way - blames her racist tweet on Ambien. Sorry, dear, it doesn’t work that way. The drug merely revealed who you really are. You could pollute me on just about anything and I wouldn’t praise Hitler. The bully child you voted for might, but not me.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

Spotted Elvis this weekend, then realized it was merely an 83-year old man.

BILL

Cluelessness, Thy Name is Trump

Tuesday, Trump extemporaneously downplayed the significance of the midterm elections, departing from the script by asking who wrote what he had just said re how important it is to vote in 2018. This indicates two things, each equally embarrassing. One, Trump evidently reads whatever scrolls before him. And two, he just weakened his hand by increasing the probability that the Democrats will retake the House of Representatives come November. Bear in mind, this is a man who – having both a Republican House and Senate – has failed to get much of any legislation passed, save for those massive tax cuts for himself and other rich folk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Richard N. Goodwin died

He wrote a speech by Robert F. Kennedy that included these words:

"It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustice he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest wall of oppression and resistance."

BILL

Get The Lead Out

When I was a kid, dead batteries were simply chucked into landfills. Over the decades they corroded and all that lead has descended into the water table. Now you throw a stick in any direction you have a pretty good chance of hitting a kid with autism. (Connection maybe?)

BILL

Fun Fact:

More high school students have been killed in mass shootings this year than American military killed in our current foreign wars.

Wellllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: “USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

Strange...

Whenever I utter some sardonic observation and someone says “Tell me about it,” I proceed upon a lengthy and impassioned commentary on the topic, one that - oddly enough - seems to induce a sudden and visibly unmistakable boredom on the part of the listener, quickly followed without fail by what I can only describe as a state of eye-rolling annoyance.

BILL

Tales of Film Dumb

I asked someone once if they had ever seen the ending of the 1967 film “Bonnie & Clyde” starring Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. “I can’t remember exactly,” was their response. “That’s a no,” I replied.

BILL

My New "Stand Your Ground" Law

Climate change deniers in Hawaii currently situated in the probable impact area of the predicted 'explosive eruption' of a volcano should prove the sincerity of their disbelief of science by “standing their ground” and refusing to evacuate.

BILL

The Caliber of The Man

It’s only fitting that he’s number 45, for that’s the gun I at times wish to put to my temple knowing Donald Trump is president.

BILL

Not These Tactics

Witnesses brought in for the Mueller investigation have commented on how polite and professional the FBI has been to them, agents allowing them sufficient break times and granting them time to confer with an attorney if necessary.

Or as Rudy Giuliani calls them: “Storm Troopers.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Free sandwiches!!!

My People – Sandwiches have for too long been oppressed beneath the tyrannical thumb of the man. Give them the freedom they so long for.

Free sandwiches!!!

BILL

From our "Do as I say, not as I do" file.

Bill Cosby used to chastise certain young black men with “Pull up your pants!”

BILL

This I know to be true:

Anyone who says they would like to go to Mars would within one week be bored out of his or her mind. You would be hearing things like: “What do you mean we can’t get Hulu up here?” and “I’d kill for a Starbucks right now!” and “Whatdya mean the game’s not coming on?!” and “I CANNOT get a signal here. Son-of-a…..!!!!

BILL

Forgive your torturers? (Check.) Cadet Heel Spurs? (I'll pass.

U.S. Senator John McCain, dying of brain cancer, has forgiven the Viet Cong who endlessly tortured him but does not want Donald Trump to attend his funeral. This says QUITE a bit about our president who suffered from those noisome heel spurs – from which this obese man has (thankfully!) made a full recovery – but which kept him out of the Vietnam War while McCain suffered the following: had both arms and a leg broken upon ejecting from his aircraft, nearly drowned upon landing, had his shoulder crushed by a rifle butt by his captors, was refused medical treatment at the time, was held as a prisoner of war in solitary confinement for two years, was subjected to rope bindings and repeated beatings every two hours, while at the same time was suffering from dysentery, and to this day is unable to lift his arms properly.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

The 3,000 Club!

According to the Washington Post, Little Donnie has lied over 3,000 times in 466 days. Now this is weird because his trusted advisor, Kellyanne Conway, insists that “the president doesn’t lie.”

Who to believe? Who to believe?

BILL

Rube-Icon

I don’t mind that Ainsley Earhart, the hot blond – a prerequisite for women at FOX - on FOX and Friends has her book “The Light Within Me – An Inspirational Memoir” on the New York Times best seller list. I don’t even mind that there is no reason WHATSOEVER an author would say PRIOR TO ANYONE READING IT that her book will “inspire” others when she has no such idea. I don’t even mind that it is about her relationship with her imaginary friend. I mind that it’s not in the Fiction section.

Now if that sounds harsh, allow me to double down. It blows my mind that someone could write a book purportedly about her relationship with Jesus considering the countless occasions she and her on-air band of sycophants have kissed the ring of the one man who represents the very antithesis of everything Ainsley’s alleged personal lord and savior stands for to such an extent that you could with the straightest of faces call Donald Trump “the anti-Christ.” Now I would label Ms. Earhart a “hypocrite” but she would have to be a Christian first. Sorry, dear, but you don’t qualify. Now head off to your next book signing; I hear the money’s good.

BILL

I Hereby Decree:

I hereby decree that all references to the previously “rapier wit” of Bill Cosby must now be categorized as “rapist wit.”

It is written!

BILL

FOX and The Hannity House

GOD, I love tuning into FOX News these days, savoring the sights and sounds of their collective head exploding over investigations into Trump. Accusations of a potential “perjury trap” should Trump testify untethered to the only logical rejoinder: “Hey, Dipshit! Just don’t lie!”

BILL

A Long, LONG Time Ago...

… way back in the year 2016, a “really, really smart guy” asked “If you‘re innocent why are you pleading the Fifth (Amendment)?”

Hey, don’t ask me, Mr. President, ask your personal attorney, Michael Cohen.

BILL

My Noble Thought

The mere suggestion that Donald J. Trump is worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize is akin to bestowing the same award to Charles Manson for allowing his victims to rest in peace. Too much? Then in light of the fact that Cadet Heel Spurs (as one aptly named him) threatened to annihilate millions of North Koreans – hardly a “peaceful” gesture – in future years we should consider granting similar accolades to a three year old who picks up a loaded Uzi, empties it of every bullet, miraculously killing no one save for the loan victim across the street who is later discovered to be a rabidly successful pedophile.

BILL

FOX and Friend

I think my favorite part of yesterday’s 31 minute tantrum was the way the three hosts shifted uncomfortably in their seats while repeatedly trying to bring an end to the child’s blabbering tirade.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

A Good Crying Jag Now and Again Is Good For The Soul

I find sports bars to be the perfect setting for such occasions.

BILL

“Your eyes are kind,” she said.

“Thank you,” I replied.

“You didn’t let me finish,” she said, her tone now abrupt and chilly. “I meant your eyes are kind of creepy.”

BILL

No Waffling on This Issue

In these bitter, contentious days, it’s important to find common ground where we can, and I have little doubt all of us know deep in our heart that Travis Reinking, the alleged Nashville Waffle House shooter was a Trump voter. (And remember, Trumpettes, you may not be too comfortable with young Travis, but he’s comfortable with you.)

BILL

I very much hope my dying words are: "Thank you."

Unless of course someone just shot me.

BILL

A True (And Truly) Banal Anecdote

I once bought only a 24 oz. Pabst Blue Ribbon and a banana at the grocery store. The person behind me looked down and chuckled. I said: “What can I say? My chimpanzee has a drinking problem.”

BILL

National Lampoontang

When I hear Trump re Stormy Daniels I think of Chevy Chase explaining to his son why he jumped naked into the pool with Christie Brinkley in 1983’s “Vacation,” and young Rusty saying “Sure, Dad, I get it. You think Mom (Melania) will buy it?”

BILL

Trump to Russia:

“Don’t worry about Nikki Haley and her tough sanctions. I’ve revoked them because I’ve got your back. Who's your bitch? Let’s make Russia great again! Nostrovia!”

BILL

Urine Big Trouble, Mr. President

And who among us was not amused by Trump saying to Comey that he would never cavort with peeing prostitutes “because I’m a germaphobe?” Not because “I love, respect and cherish my wife and would never desecrate our holy bond of matrimony by engaging in such sordid behavior.” Nope. Not the Trumpster. “Because I’m a germaphobe.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Syriaously?!?

Our president deems his recent bombing of Syria as “Mission Accomplished,” as opposed to how he labeled his non-service in Vietnam due to those noisome heel spurs, which of course was: “Mission Avoided.”

BILL

A Woman in Texas – Where Else? – Got Five Years for Voter Fraud

Somewhere a rapist is laughing.

BILL

(Indianapolis, Indiana----April 4, 1968)

(Can’t help but compare this eloquent, impromptu speech by Robert F. Kennedy 50 years ago today with the verbal ineptitude of the one man clown car currently infesting the White House. Two months later RFK would be assassinated himself. It should be noted that riots ensued in over a hundred American cities following King’s death. But not in Indianapolis.)



I have bad news for you, for all of our fellow citizens, and people who love peace all over the world, and that is that Martin Luther King was shot and killed tonight.

Martin Luther King dedicated his life to love and to justice for his fellow human beings, and he died because of that effort.

In this difficult day, in this difficult time for the United States, it is perhaps well to ask what kind of a nation we are and what direction we want to move in. For those of you who are black -- considering the evidence their evidently is that there were white people who were responsible -- you can be filled with bitterness, with hatred, and a desire for revenge. We can move in that direction as a country, in great polarization -- black people amongst black, white people amongst white, filled with hatred toward one another.

Or we can make an effort, as Martin Luther King did, to understand and to comprehend, and to replace that violence, that stain of bloodshed that has spread across our land, with an effort to understand with compassion and love.

For those of you who are black and are tempted to be filled with hatred and distrust at the injustice of such an act, against all white people, I can only say that I feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was killed by a white man. But we have to make an effort in the United States, we have to make an effort to understand, to go beyond these rather difficult times.

My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He wrote: "In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."

What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black.

So I shall ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King, that's true, but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love -- a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.

We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times; we've had difficult times in the past; we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder.

But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings who abide in our land.

Let us dedicate to ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.

Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people.

"I don't know what they are, community colleges."

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Yesterday was the laziest day of my life

I believe I took four naps then turned in about 7pm.

BILL

If James Taylor wrote 1977's "Your Smiling Face" Today:

“Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I appreciate our positive and rewarding relationship, one based on mutual respect, concern and sensitivity to the feelings of the other party.
Yes, I do.”

BILL

About Last Night

Went to CVS and picked up some syringes for my diabetic cat and a 12-pack of PBR for me.

(There’s a joke in there somewhere.)

BILL

The Lecter Circuit

I like to call up random women in the dark of night and when they pick up say in a voice akin to a blade sliding over silk: “Hello, Clarice.”

(OK, I’ve never done that.)

BILL

I Find The Disingenuousness a Little... Slippery

While I might agree with the cause, when a crowd chants “No Justice, No Peace!” I wish they would be a little bit more honest and chant what they really mean: “No Guilty Verdict, No Peace!”

BILL

Austin Power

I think I speak for most Americans when I say the time has clearly come for us to cease admitting white males into our country. They’re mass shooters and bombers. Some of them are good people I assume.

BILL

A Reed in The Wind

With the kaleidoscope of ever-changing opinions emanating from the child inhabiting the White House, it is now widely viewed that a pattern has emerged, that being he tends to embrace the position of the last person to whom he has spoken on the topic.

Now that's leadership!

BILL

Marx Bothers

Nothing illustrates the incontestable supremacy of capitalism better than the way an innocent child’s face sinks to near oblivion upon being tasked with reading the seminal work of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, The Communist Manifesto.

BILL

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

The White House has undergone a 34% turnover rate among staff in its first year. And what do you think the odds now are of high quality people coming aboard as a result?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

What can I say? I get nostalgic now and again.

And who can forget candidate Trump saying “If she (Hillary) gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people — maybe there is, I don’t know.”

Now THAT is character, my friends. To call for the assassination of the President of The United States. THAT’S respect for the Constitution we all love, right? Am I right? How could you NOT vote for such a man?
Umm, well… maybe that ISN’T the type of person who should be elected president. Ah, what do I care? I voted for the lady with the private email server.

BILL

"I'm getting very close to getting the Cabinet I want."

Which leads to the question: “What were the impediments to having that Cabinet from the get-go like every other President in history?”

Whoops. My bad. I forgot: incompetence and amateur hour.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Crappiness is a Warm Gun

NEWS ITEM: “Citing the need for students to be safe in schools, President Trump – who had been securely in the NRA’s holster – initially put his weight behind some limited changes in gun laws. By Monday, he had backed away from most of them, opting instead for a Federal Commission on School Safety, the type of commission he disparaged at a rally on Saturday.”*

EDITORIAL: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

* Source: 3/13/2018 Los Angeles Times

BILL

"I Hear You"

Imagine a man so utterly stupid and devoid of empathy that his staff actually has to include among his briefing notes the aforementioned quotation when he meets those affected by our most recent gun massacre of children.

You will have imagined one Donald J. Trump.

BILL

(With apologies to H.L. Mencken, who said upon the death of William Jennings Bryan: “Imagine a gentleman and you will have imagined everything that he was not.” A far pithier quote.)

"And you let it in."

This is the line Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) says to Ash midway through 1979’s “Alien,” when they all begin to realize that Ash’s blatant violation of chain-of-command protocol has begun to take on ominous if not deadly proportions.

I think I’m going to start saying this whenever encountering those responsible for the Oval Office’s current occupant since – much like Ripley – I was quite adamant about the inherent dangers of opening that door.

BILL

Will This All Blow Over?

The whole Stormy Daniels thing. I mean, who do you believe? A shameless, credential-bereft exhibitionist or Stormy Daniels?

BILL

“I like conflict; I like watching it.”

This is what you get when you elect a reality TV star to the most powerful position on the face of the Earth.

Nice job, Trumpettes. Enjoy the show.

BILL

Make a Run For The Border

Four of the last five Best Director Oscars have gone to Mexicans.

Alfonso Cuarón 2013
Alejandro González Iñárritu 2014
Alejandro González Iñárritu 2015
Guillermo del Toro 2017

This is weird because a “wise” man once said: “They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists.”

BILL

Bonus: Two grammatical errors in one sentence from the, like, really smart guy.

On The Near Eve of The Oscars

Having just watched the clip again, I’m still somewhat in awe of how graciously “LaLa Land” producer Jordan Horowitz handled that Best Picture fiasco a year ago. Makes me want to see him win it for sure some time. (I’m pretty sure I’d have been asking for a chain saw.)

BILL

You know the punch line....

NEWS ITEM: Citing the Constitution’s Article XII, Trump’s legal team has requested that it be allowed to type and display President Trump’s answers to investigator Robert S. Mueller III’s questions onto a teleprompter for him to read.

BILL

OUCH!!!

Dammit! I just cut myself on actress Saoirse (“Lady Bird”) Ronan’s nose!!

BILL

Where Was All That Sgt. York Bravado During Vietnam?

Trump says he would have tried to stop the Parkland shooter with his bare hands. I’ll abstain from my usual “heel spurs” rebuttal and instead defer to those wonderful, gumption-packed Parkland survivors: “We call B.S!”

BILL

Using Dana Loesh-ic

If, according to National Rifle Association spokesperson Dana Loesch, the "mainstream media" loves, loves, LOVES mass shootings because they result in high ratings, then one can only conclude that Ms. Loesch loved, loved, LOVED 9/11 since it led to an increase in firearms sales.

BILL

More On Actions Have Consequences

If you happen to have been fond of someone killed in one of our many mass shootings, you have my complete, sincere and heartfelt sympathy, unless of course you voted for president someone who has backed the National Rifle Association at every turn and who has stood steadfast in “protecting the rights of gun owners,” then, well… you do the math.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Good Old Days

It’s tragicomic to compare all of Obama’s “scandals” with those of The Tabloid Clown currently infesting the White House. I mean, I still have nightmares about the time Obama wore that tan suit and FOX News blew a gasket.

BILL

"We know 'P' is Porter"

Poor White House. They can’t even get their cover-ups straight.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

PS: You’ll have to watch “All The President’s Men” to “get” the Subject line.

My Days as a Rodeo Clown Are OVER!!

Not ONCE have I made a bull laugh! In fact – and I’m being quite honest here - these massive beasts appear outright ornery, my scarlet blazers seeming only to set them off all the more.

BILL

What, Me Worry?

“The Administration’s top national security officials have all warned about the Russian threat (to 2018 elections), although Trump continues to minimize it.”*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

* Source: 2/14/18 Los Angeles Times

"The Faith of Donald J. Trump - A Spiritual Biography"

This is an actual book just released book.

(I’m not joking.)

(Seriously, I’m not joking.)

(I mean it; this is not some joke.)

(Look, I realize sometimes I pose things as being real when it’s all just a joke to make a point but this time I’m not.)

(Honestly, I’m not!)

BILL

But Seriously...

I once saw members of the band Chicago in an airport. The trumpet player, Lee Loughnane, was carrying his horn case (even though there were probably several trumpets in a truck heading to their next gig). Circa 1990, I saw Oscar-winning screenwriter Frank Pierson (“Dog Day Afternoon”) in my jury duty pool. I recognized him and confirmed this during the endless roll calls that come with jury duty. Every single day for a week or so he was reading a different book. Whatever “lessons” these unremarkable anecdotes possess can probably best be summed up by “And that’s why he’s the trumpet player in Chicago” and “And that’s why Frank Pierson won an Oscar.”

BILL

The Clapper

Few things annoy me more about Trump than how he claps for himself (as he did during, yes, the State of The Union speech). I caught clips of this later as, during the actual speech itself, I was busy vomiting.

BILL

What's in a Name?

It’s too bad we couldn’t have had a 9/11 level event recently to prevent United Airlines from contaminating what had been since 1921 the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum but shall henceforth be called United Airlines Memorial Coliseum.

Chicago was all set to sell the naming rights to Soldier Field back in 2001 so the historic football field would be called Chase Field. Fortunately, plans were nixed by 19 guys with box cutters. Guess we dodged a bullet there.

BILL

Amber Waves of Groan

I think an Amber Alert should be a frantic whisper between male friends when one of them spots a really hot girl named Amber.

BILL

OK, I Get It. I'm Old.

But I still long to watch episodes of my favorite TV show from the 60s that starred Ken Berry, Forrest Tucker and Larry Storch: “F Trump.”

BILL

Your Cheatin' Heart: A Childhood Memory

During the wayward days of my youth – years before the birds and the bees were explained to me by my devil-may-care brother Smedley – I once asked my father “Daddy, what’s cheating?” As he did on so many occasions, he replied: “Ask your mother.”

BILL

Highest number in history is a lie as well...

“Thank you for all of the nice compliments and reviews on the State of the Union speech. 45.6 million people watched, the highest number in history. @FoxNews beat every other Network, for the first time ever, with 11.7 million people tuning in. Delivered from the heart!”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

And Now Back to Our Regular Program... Reality

Re the “biggest tax cut in history.” (Actually it’s the 12th largest since 1918.)

“Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in history.” (Nope, that would be 2006 and 2007.)

“The US is now an exporter of energy.” (Nearly all possible meanings are untrue.)

“After years of wage stagnation, we are finally seeing rising wages.” (Wage gains, in fact, have barely budged for the typical American worker.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration. Doesn’t matter. The rubes still love him. Which is why I call them “rubes.”

* Source: 1/31/2018 Los Angeles Times

BILL

Question:

How come you never see Eric Clapton at a McDonald’s? What does he have against McDonald’s, the elitist bastard?

BILL

I wish I coined this phrase:

“No good deed goes unpunished.”

Unfortunately, I’ve only coined the phrase “cheeseburger swami filet mask” and I have rarely, if ever, heard folks utter it.

BILL

Forty-four year old plot spoil:

Admit it “Godfather II” fans. Don’t we all have a tiny bit more respect and affection for Michael Corleone’s bodyguard Al Neri when he lets Fredo finish saying the “Hail Mary” out in the fishing boat before plugging him in the back of the head?

BILL

Please, Sir, May I Have Some More?

I’m a little embarrassed to admit this but I still get a bit verklempt when I think of Donald Trump Jr.’s concern for Russian orphans. Sure, like everyone who saw him and his brother posting photos holding the tails of big game kills in Africa, I thought he was just some unfeeling brute, but, you know, when you scratch just a little below the surface, well, what can I say? He’s just a big softie. Maybe we’ve all been a bit too hard on these Trumps. Myself included. His love for Russian orphans has genuinely given me reason to look at him in a different light. What can I say? He really sends me.

BILL

Yeah I know 15 years ago but still....

In light of the fact that Halle Berry later said her reaction to 2003’s unsolicited full-scale, back-bending kiss in front of a billion people on live TV during the Oscars was “What the f*** is going on right now?” I can only conclude that smooching Best Actor winner Adrien Brody gets a pass these days.

BILL

Let Freedom Ring In a Bell So Tiny No One Hears It

WASHINGTON (AP) — Basic rights and political freedoms in the United States are deteriorating at a faster pace under President Donald Trump, exacerbated by attacks on key institutions like the press and the courts, according to a new report released Tuesday by Freedom House.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

"I am your voice," a, like, really smart guy once proclaimed.

And that voice is now: “Honey, you need to drive me to the emergency room.”

“The number of Americans without health coverage, which declined for years after passage of the Affordable Care Act, shot up in President Trump’s first year in office, according to data from a new national survey. At the end of 2017, 12.2% of U.S. adults lacked health insurance, up from 10.9%, as President Obama was completing his final term.” *

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

* Source: 1/16/2018 Los Angeles Times

It took four tweeted words before the "stable genius" misspelled:

“Government Funding Bill past last night…”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration. And, remember, kids: the worst kind of idiot is not the idiot, for we all – myself included – have our moments of idiocy. The worst kind of idiot is the idiot who thinks he’s a genius. And, well… we know who that is.)

BILL

One of my all-time favorite sentences:

“The language used by me at the DACA meeting was tough, but this was not the language used.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

HEADLINE: "Trump demands respect for national anthem. Forgets lyrics"

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump administration.

BILL

How Old is Bill?

He remembers when a driver’s hands were at 10:00 and 2:00, not 10:00 and SmartPhone.

BILL

Can You Smell The Fear?

From once being “100% willing” to speak under oath to Robert Mueller to yesterday’s it “seems unlikely” he’ll talk to him and requesting the GOP take control of the Russia investigation. A man with nothing to hide would be begging Mueller to continue investigating him, laughingly looking forward to this man’s well-deserved humiliation and ultimate resignation. Instead, we see the opposite.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

WRITTEN, not spoken:

“I’m, like, really smart.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

I Pretty Much Agree With This:

I caught Jackie Gleason on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson about thirty years ago and Carson asked him if he looks for any more challenges as an actor. If memory serves, Gleason had a drink in one hand, a cigarette in the other and said: “Johnny, life is a challenge. Why would I go looking for any more?”

BILL

Mooch Ado About Nothing

It was precious watching Anthony Scaramucci defending Trump the othere morning, the first telling clue – as always - that you’re losing a “debate” being when you frequently interrupt the person – Stephanie Ruhle in this case – asking the questions. My favorite part was when he described Trump as a “best-selling author.” Now while TECHNICALLY true, I don’t include him among the ranks of, say, John Steinbeck. By simply LISTENING to Trump you can tell he’s an idiot. Yes, his name is on a book but it was, I assure you, ghost written by some poor sap who had to endure endless hours of taped conversations with the child and who had signed a veritable phalanx of non-disclosure agreements Trump’s lawyers threw his way so that the book author was listed only as “Donald Trump.” And then he (or she) went outside and counted his money.

BILL

A Taxing Notion

“One of the most telling features of the (new tax) bill is that the modest breaks for the middle class are set to expire in less than a decade while the corporate cuts are permanent.”*

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

* Source: 1/1/2018 Los Angeles Times

Dumb and Getting Dumber

“Three-fourths of Americans cannot name all three branches of the federal government, according to an Annenberg Public Policy Center poll taken last year. One in three Americans cannot name a single branch of government. More than a third of Americans can’t name any of their rights under the First Amendment. A host of surveys finds that Americans, particularly young Americans, are increasingly ambivalent or even hostile to free speech, and even democracy.” *

Wellllllllllllll, all I’ve got to say to that is: “USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!”

BILL

* Source: 1/2/2018 Los Angeles Times

Here’s an 80-20 rule I have little doubt.

“Godless liberals” (like yours truly) have more respect for the earth than evangelicals who claim god made the earth.

BILL