Would You Believe: Two Cans and a String?

The following was not – repeat not – uttered in jest. I was seated in front of a young man in a theater recently and overheard him ask his cohorts: “What did people do before there were cell phones?” (I resisted the urge to reply: “Annoyed others far less often.”) BILL

Try This at Work Some Time

When your boss asks how you’re doing, say: “Well, my doctors tell me that the random impulses for sporadic violence afflicting me of late are on the wane. But I don’t know.” BILL

Grover Cleveland Never Got This Type of Reaction

Spin That Web!!

Inspired by the recent cowardice of rocker Ted Nugent, whose barely-veiled threat against the life of the President later scurried for cover under a mind-boggling assertion of non-existent metaphor, Los Angeles Laker Metta World Peace* tweeted the following in regards to Sunday night’s vicious and completely uncalled for elbow to the head of an opponent, the action of which resulted in a concussion: “I just watched the replay again….Oooo. My celebration of the dunk really was too much…didn't even see James…Omg…Looks bad.'' Nicely done. BILL PS – Don’t believe me? Go to the video…. *Don’t you love irony? Formerly Ron Artest, centerpiece of an NBA brawl that not only spilled into the stands, but was directed at fans

Terms of Embeerment

When I first saw “Terms of Endearment” in 1983, I watched Jack Nicholson whisk away his robe prior to bedding Shirley MacLaine, displaying in all its glory his paunchy belly. I thought to myself “Good God, Jack has gotten fat!!” I caught this same film the other night and thought “Ugh, he’s not so fat after all.” BILL

Of Guitar Heroes and Guitar Cowards

Proving himself the coward I knew him to be, rocker Ted Nugent backtracked from his earlier comments, scurrying for cover behind the skirt of saying he was only speaking metaphorically when stating that he would be “dead or in jail” next year if Obama is reelected. Sadly, the Secret Servicemen who paid him a visit, much like Ted, simply don’t know what a metaphor is: “A figure of speech in which a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate another.” But, of course, only a true pussy could write a song called “Cat Scratch Fever.” BILL

Hey, Look, I'll Be Honest...

… we all know climate change is a crock, but how are these hoaxers pulling off what I previously thought unimaginable: actually making it warmer? Anyone have any ideas? We need to put them in their place! The problem, of course, is our stated position that mankind’s activities are not causing temperatures to rise while simultaneously acknowledging that this sinister cabal of liberal do-gooders is somehow managing to do that very thing! This conundrum will, of course, be issue one on or agenda. Join us, won’t you? BILL

The Gauntlet Has Been Tossed!!

It is all but a fixation for elements of the right wing media to implore nonviolent Muslims to speak out against those Muslims prone to violence, a perfectly reasonable request, I might add. What I’m now wondering, however, is whether these same folks will remain as diligent by speaking out against musician Ted Nugent, one of their own from a socio-political perspective, and a man who recently stated that he would be “dead or in jail” next year if Obama is reelected. Now if one is muddleheaded enough to not deem this a threat against the life of the president - a felony by the way – then one must ask: “Then how, Ted, can you be so certain that you will either be dead or find yourself behind bars in the event an elected official just happens to be reelected? What magical crystal ball powers do you possess that we mere mortals do not?” I am confident such a reaction will not be forthcoming, at which time might I also ask that they cease with the aforementioned request of nonviolent Muslims. BILL

Have you no cash, Bill, at long last? Have you no cash?

Nothing says “Thank goodness, my child is not a communist” like the joy on a young one's face when you hand them money. Joseph McCarthy, 1948 (OK, he never said that…) BILL

I'm Marrying a Bond Girl!

Thelma Lou tells me she’ll soon make bond on this ridiculous third round of check kiting charges and after she’s done meeting with her public defender, we’ll pay a visit to the Justice of The Peace.

BILL

It's Tax Day!!!

Hey, I’ll ask: How can someone look the American people in the eye and claim he is the person most capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth if he can’t even manage to file his tax return on time?

BILL

Shower The People

In a shameless catering to the National Rifle Association, President Obama and Vice President Biden sported water pistols recently. “Though I haven’t mentioned guns since I moved into the White House, somehow the NRA can scarcely sleep at night knowing I’m president,” Obama said. “Maybe it’s that second term fear. Who knows? Either way, this is intended as an olive branch to – HEY!! Biden, you rascal!! I’ll get you!!!!

BILL

Petticoat Junction: A Childhood Memory

Each time I see this shot from the sixties series, I fondly recall the curious state of arousal into which it forever propelled me, knowing that, if suddenly I found myself a resident of Hooterville, with the three girls and dog duly distracted, I would be able to race down to the Shady Rest Hotel and have Uncle Joe all to myself. BILL

NEWS ITEM: Those Crafty Hoaxers Continue Apace

WASHINGTON (AP) — It has been so warm in the United States this year, especially in March, that national records were not just broken, they were deep-fried.

Temperatures in the lower 48 states were 8.6 degrees (4.8 degrees Celsius) above normal for March and 6 degrees (3.3 degrees Celsius) higher than average for the first three months of the year, according to calculations by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. That far exceeds the old records.

The magnitude of how unusual the year has been in the U.S. has alarmed some meteorologists who have warned about global warming. One climate scientist said it is the weather equivalent of a baseball player on steroids, with old records obliterated.

"Everybody has this uneasy feeling. This is weird. This is not good," said Jerry Meehl, a climate scientist who specializes in extreme weather at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colo. "It's a guilty pleasure. You're out enjoying this nice March weather, but you know it's not a good thing."

A Billy Buzz Kill Moment

Am I the only one who dares to utter that in the film “Titanic” it is Jack and Rose who are responsible for the sinking of the ship? When you next see it, notice how the lovers’ lip-locked kiss distracts the chaps up in the crow’s nest for sufficient duration so as to delay sounding the alarm upon spotting the iceberg. (Recall, the ship strikes the iceberg with a glancing blow along one side, not a direct hit.)

OK, maybe it’s me…

BILL

And To Think I Could Be Breaking a Tie In The Senate

“Having been forced to endure the humiliation of donning an Easter Bunny suit, I hereby resign the office of the Vice Presidency of The United States.” Joseph Biden

Myth Busting Time

“Life is Too Short”

I believe a single screening of most any David Lean film can disabuse most anyone of this notion in less than three hours.

BILL

I'm Just an Interior Decorator!!!

Reason alone informs me that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in the killing of JFK. I do however believe the accused assassin in regards to the long wrapped package he carried into work that fateful day – Oswald telling the coworker who drove him in that he was carrying “curtain rods.” I can’t tell you how many times I myself have brought curtain rods into work.

BILL

I'm Finally Debt Free!

I called my Miami loan shark “friend” Tobias, informing him that, at long last, I had the $10,000 he lent me. When I flew down there and he showed up, I shot him dead. When the cops arrived, I said we got into a fight – Tobias starting it (of course) - and I was merely “standing my ground.”

The end.

BILL