I Changed My Mind on This:

I wrote awhile back: “Since one is statistically more likely to drown in his or her bathtub than be killed by a terrorist, what say we get rid of bath tubs?”

Now obviously it was a joke in getting rid of bath tubs but Bill Maher said he gets irked by stats like this because – and I’m paraphrasing – a bath tub isn’t trying to get a nuke. Terrorists are.

The power of reason.

BILL

Fair is Fair

In the same way I ridicule Donald Trump for fearing Megyn Kelly, I equally must deride Hillary Clinton for (seemingly so far) fearing Chris Wallace, host of FOX News Sunday. And for what it’s worth, I do on occasions watch Wallace’s show and think he’s about as – pun intended - fair and balanced as they come.

BILL

Donald Trump To The Extreme

TRUMP: Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. You know what I’m going to do as soon as I’m president?

TRUMP FAN: What?

TRUMP: I am going to fuck your mother right up the ass. That’s what I’m going to do.

TRUMP FAN: Hey, I like your style. You’re a straight shooter!

TRUMP: Straight shooter? You don’t know the half of it. My cock is going to be a straight shooter when I cum up that bitch's ass. How’s that sound?

TRUMP FAN: That’s the kind of talk I LIKE to hear! None of that political crap we get from all those weak-kneed politicians.

TRUMP: And another thing you oughtta know, your mother is going to be screaming because I am huuuuuuuuuuuuge.

TRUMP FAN: You sure ain’t politically correct, are you?

TRUMP: The only thing I do correct is make deals and fuck. And your mother? She’s gonna get the best of both worlds. One sweet deal from me. And guess what I’m gonna do when I’m done fucking her up the ass?

TRUMP FAN: Do tell!

TRUMP: I’m gonna pull out of her like Obama from Iraq and cum all over your mother’s backside. How’s that sound? She is gonna be so covered in cum she’s gonna look like a New Orleans wedding cake in August.

TRUMP FAN: Now THAT’S the kind of straight shooting talk I like to hear. You got my vote, Donald.

TRUMP: Call me “Mr. Trump.”

TRUMP FAN: Yes, sir, Mr. Trump!

My favorite (late) SCOTUS Justice Antonin Scalia quote:

“In the Gospels, the devil is doing all sorts of things. He’s making pigs run off cliffs, he’s possessing people and whatnot. And that doesn’t happen very much anymore. It’s because he’s smart. What he’s doing now is getting people not to believe in him or in God. He’s much more successful that way. He got wilier.”

(Like a coyote, Anton?)

BILL

Why I Want Sylvester Stallone To Win The Oscar

I’m in Beverly Hills and I run I into Johnny Ola—no, wait, that’s Fredo’s story in “Godfather Part II.”

I’m in Beverly Hills circa 99 and I see Stallone across the street talking very briefly with two young men. I could read what happened next. After these two - shocked as hell that holy shit! it’s Sylvester Stallone! - were just about to leave, one of them clearly had asked “Can I shake your hand?” With nothing but warmth, graciousness and a smile to match, Stallone extended his hand, walked toward him and shook the young man’s hand before going on his way.

While a megastar, he still knew that doing this would mean the world to this guy and would be an anecdote he would never forget. Nor would a stranger across the street.

BILL

PS: Oh. And he’s fantastic in “Creed” and deserves the Oscar.

A Racist, A Sexist and a Bully Walk Into a Bar

Bartender looks up. “What can I get you, Mr. Trump?”

BILL



(Back from vacation...)

Non Vino Veritas

I think it would be hysterical if Donald Trump got completely wasted before a campaign rally and everything that subsequently came out of his mouth sounded – albeit slurred - mature, reasonable, intelligent, empathic and “presidential.”

BILL

I Rack My Brain Over This

If you’re enjoying the creative works of ISIS, remember they arose from the ashes of a chaotic Iraq, a country rendered chaotic as a result of our going to war with them. So if you are one of those who were pumping your fist and chanting “USA! USA!” back in 2003, giddy that we were going to war against a country that DID NOT ATTACK US and you’re now looking for someone to blame for the current mess over there, well… find a mirror.

Of course, there were a few who advised against invading Iraq. We were a small but vocal lot.

BILL

Hey, I'll Admit It:

I’m already hooked on FX Network’s “The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story.” Just don’t tell me how it ends.

BILL

For The Mr. Rigoni's of The World

No matter how long I live, what I accomplish, or how much I earn, I will always feel compelled to use the prefix “Mister” (Etc.) for all my high school and elementary teachers. (Yes, they were nearly all male.) I think dumber ideas have been hatched than that of encouraging all of us to continue to use these terms to symbolize our respect for those who have taught us and thus – by default – for education in general. There is a reason the Taliban bombs schools. They want to live in the dark ages. We don’t.

BILL

PS: Mr. Rigoni was my sixth grade teacher. Still rockin.’

What Are The Odds?

Just found out there is an over-under bet on the Super Bowl national anthem. C’mon, guys. Is nothing sacred? Besides, if betting on the duration of “The Star Spangled Banner” doesn’t clue you in to the fact that you have a gambling problem, nothing will. In other news, the sound you did NOT hear yesterday was that of my teeth gnashing in annoyed embarrassment during Lady Gaga’s performance.

BILL

File Under: "What The Hell"

If a judge ever sentences me to two consecutive life terms, I’m going to respond: “Your Honor, I don’t want to come off greedy or anything but could I have three? Three’s my lucky number.”

BILL

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

The results of the latest Congressional committee re Benghazi are finally in. The report – deemed the most comprehensive and definitive of all previous ones and entitled “Shit Happens" – will be released today.

BILL

And He's Delusional!

YESTERDAY’S DONALD TRUMP TWEET: “The media has not covered my long-shot great finish in Iowa fairly. Brought in record voters and got second highest vote total in history!”

Really, little Donnie? You’re all I’ve read about and seen for, what, two months? Someone get baby his binkie. Maybe the voters of Iowa resented the fact that you chose not to partake in a debate, thus depriving them of being a slightly better informed electorate. Just a thought.

BILL

I Would Bet Everything I Own Tina Fey is a Very Nice Person

That stated, I do not own a car, a bed, a radio, a watch or a cell phone and am wearing 33% of my footwear.

BILL

Mexican Standoff - A Haiku

Cold night in LA.
Beneath my sheets my warm breaths.
Damn you, burritos!

BILL