"I Know The American People Are a Lot Smarter Than That"

Anytime a politician says this I know he’s lying. I know this for several reasons. For one, we’re not. Moreover – hold on, wait – “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” is coming on. I’ll get back to you.

BILL

Note To Occupy Movement:

Since you’re now debasing your movement by burning American flags, perhaps you’d be happier occupying another country.

BILL

A Fact, Not an Editorial

During my three decades in Los Angeles, twelve without a car, i.e. covering a lot of pavement via shoes, despite thousands of times being accosted/asked/cajoled for money, I have never once encountered a panhandler of Asian or Hispanic descent. Not once. Ever. Draw your own conclusions. Or not.

BILL

"Robbing Peter to Pay Paul"

This always struck me as odd, in that, once having committed to a felony, you might as well rob both Peter and Paul. (And you could do a lot worse than tossing Mary in there while you’re at it.)

BILL

All The Best Feelings Start With The Letter "S"

Sleeping
Sex
Showering
Shitting
Sneezing
Smacking the hell out of someone when they try to grab your Pop Tart.

BILL

NEWS ITEM: Little Rock, Arkansas

LITTLE ROCK, Ark (Reuters) - A cat belonging to an Arkansas Democratic campaign manager was found dead on Sunday night with the word "Liberal" spray-painted across its side, the campaign manager said.

The cat was a pet of Jake Burris, who manages Democrat Ken Aden's bid for Arkansas' 3rd Congressional District. Aden is running against incumbent Republican Representative Steve Womack.

Burris was returning to his Russellville, Arkansas home with his four children when he found the cat on his doorstep, the Aden campaign said in a press release on Monday. The mixed-breed Siamese cat had one side of its head bashed in to "the point the cat's eyeball was barely hanging from its socket," the release said. Aden told Reuters that the event was "horrible, to say the least."

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(And remember, conservatives, you may not be comfortable with the perpetrator of this act, but he’s comfortable with you… BILL)

"Independence Day"

Caught this 1996 film recently and noticed that after the 15-mile wide hostile UFOs arrive over major U.S. cities, Vivica A. Fox’s character, Jasmine (of course…), nonetheless goes to her job as an exotic dancer. This proves what I have suspected for years: male screenwriters will go to outright absurd lengths to shoehorn a stripper scene into their movies.

BILL

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!!

Gingrich Calls For "Open" Primary

Candidate “Willing To Take on All Comers”

Requests Bachmann Rejoin Field of Play


BILL

Who Needs a New Battery When a Used Works Just as Well?

Circa 1984, I was driving alone one night when I saw a car with its hood up, stalled along a lonely stretch of Sherman Way in North Hollywood. Four dudes - late teens or early twenties, none of whom appeared the scholarly type - were trying to get it started, so I stopped to see if I could help.

Seems they needed a jump. So I took out my jumper cables and tried to get their car started. It didn’t work.

“You know what might work,” one of them said. “If we take your battery out of your car, put it into ours and try to start it up.”

“Well… OK,” I said.

So this we did, they all too happy to do the heavy lifting. (Have you ever lifted a car battery???) We removed their dead battery then slipped mine beside their engine to see if we could get their car started. And guess what? It worked!! But can you guess what happened next???

Wrong! They removed my battery from their now running car, put it back under my engine hood, thanked me and offered me money.

True story.

BILL

NASA fact

The first time – I’ll say it again – the first time man ever flew around the moon, NASA scientists successfully predicted to the second when they would be able to receive voice transmissions from the lunar orbiter.

Now I ask you: who do you think should be believed on the subject of climate change: NASA climatologists or Texas Governor Rick Perry?

BILL

Joshua Treats

So I’m at my local grocery store and who’s in line ahead of me but Bono, the Irish rocker buying a six-pack of Killian’s Red. The checker – clueless as to the U2 lead singer’s identity – actually asks him: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

BILL

I Need To Reconsider My Friends

I told my college buddy Stosh I wanted to stay home this weekend to watch the NFL playoffs. He responded: “What's that? Ah -- Playoffs? Don't talk about -- playoffs?! You kidding me?! Playoffs?!” *

BILL

*If you get the reference, it’s kinda funny. If not, oh, well…

When Life Hands You Lemons...

… do what I do. Stand roadside and fling them hard at random passersby – one after the other – loudly cursing life’s unfairness. This never fails to make me feel much better, at which time I can quietly proceed with my day.

BILL

My Initiation to The DAILY Bill

The gift that started The Daily Bill

Osama The Job Creator

Can you imagine how many people would be out of work had not our post 9/11 collective fear caused such a massive upturn in the number of security-related jobs?

(Just a thought…)

BILL

OJ Redux

And remember, kids, if the prosecution blew the case, then why do O.J. jokes work so well?

As a bonus, here’s the limerick I came up with mere hours after the verdict:

“There once was a man named Juice

Who cut his wife’s head half loose.

But thanks to some butter

From Mark Fuhrman’s gutter.

His own head slipped through the noose.”

BILL