Insert Your Own Punch Line

We're now at two Presidential hopefuls – Rick Perry and Ted Cruz – who have (essentially) compared themselves to Galileo.

I shouldn’t be too hard on them. I’ve often compared myself to John Kennedy. I mean, we both have four and seven letters in our first and last name.

BILL BEKKALA

PS: Note deft avoidance of hole in the head joke.

War on Christmas

My field marshal sent a coded message my way, informing me that we’ll be starting much, much earlier this year. (OK, I’ll admit it, FOX News. The war on Christmas is real, OK? You caught us. Big deal!) Worse though, he’s planning on assigning me to poinsettia eradication. Poinsettia eradication!! My god I’m going to be busy!!

BILL

Jenny, Don't Be a Hero

Per front page headline of the 4/22/15 LA Times, the last possibility that immunizations could cause autism – in toddlers known to have an elevated risk – has been refuted by experts. Those claiming otherwise can go back to what they were doing. Probably watching “Dog” the Bounty Hunter.

BILL

Fun Fact I Learned Today:

Upon the suggestion that placing Japanese American civilians into concentration camps starting in 1942 might be unconstitutional, U.S. Assistant Secretary of War John J. McCloy responded: “The Constitution is just a scrap of paper to me.”

BILL

What's In a Name?

Is it me or should we all be a little suspicious due to the White House Press Secretary actually being named Josh Earnest?

BILL

Upon Dr. Lecter’s capture...

… Winston fell to his knees, retching uncontrollably, all the while recalling the frequency with which Hannibal had served finger food at his soirees.

BILL

I'm Bill Bekkala and I Approve This Message

Today, I announce my candidacy for the office of President of The United States. Because of a recent traumatic brain injury I sustained I will be running as a “Tea Party” Republican.

It’s important that you know where I stand on the issues. Or at least where I stand when not standing in the waiting room of GOP contributor Sheldon Adelson, the eighth richest man in the world.

I stand for welfare reform. And when I say reform I mean: doing away with it completely. That’s right, I’ll say the words: I am against welfare. Except corporate welfare, of course. Hey, I’m not stupid.

On my first day in office I’ll form a blue ribbon commission tasked with monitoring anything the Reverend Jeremiah Wright says, because there is nothing more critical during these perilous times than knowing what might pass from the lips of a cranky old black preacher whom the Kenyan once knew.

Also on that first day, my young third wife will pin a second flag pin on my lapel mere moments after I take the oath of office. Yes, I will symbolically “double down’ on my patriotism the day I enter the Oval Office. Won’t you join me?

This one’s for all you acolytes of so-called “climate change.” No, I do not believe the alarmist predictions of climate scientists who have studied the data for decades. I believe the non-scientist hotties of FOX News. Especially the blond ones. Now this might sound somewhat odd to the layman but at least I’m consistent. For example, when I need tax advice I turn to my butcher, Carlton. When I need an oil change for my, yes, American built car, I drive to a flower shop. And when our daughter Kimberly suffered a collapsed lung and severe internal bleeding, we went to Enzo, our pastry chef. My wife and I miss our little Kimberly each and every day.

As for Benghazi, I reject the findings of a Republican committee which concluded that there was no there there. (And, by the way, you Republican committee members, does the word “traitor” mean anything to you?) But back to Benghazi, my constituents want to know – beyond any doubt whatsoever - if this incident was a 9/11 commemoration or anger over a film considered by some to be anti-Islamic. Because there is a difference, one being a violent act of religiously-fueled rage, the other a religiously-fueled act of violent rage. Let’s hold more hearings, shall we? The truth must come out!

Now I see members of the press in the crowd, each of them itching to ask me their “gotcha” question. Just the other day while I was out walking my dog a reporter asked me if my house was on fire and I could save either my rifle or my dog, which would I save? Well, you all know my reply because it went viral the next day: I sicced my dog on him. (Smile – wave – most importantly, POINT - during laughs.) So you lame-stream media types best beware.

My stand on abortion has been resolute for decades: there is nothing, I’ll say it again, nothing I hold more dear – other than my gun of course – than the tiny speck of goo growing inside a woman’s body or what I like to call women: “baby machines.” But be forewarned, my fetal reverence does come with an expiration date. It’s called a birthday. Yes, once the little tyke emerges from the holy warmth of the womb and into the cold, hard, brutal world, he’s on his own, frankly, and I could not care less what happens to him. Hungry? Homeless? Sick? Unattended because both parents work two jobs? Whine on, junior. It troubles me none. To do so would be to create a “culture of dependency” in the words of our savior. OK, maybe Jesus didn’t say that but I’m pretty sure he’d agree with me. He did say, “Suffer, children.” That much I know.

Yes, my name is Bill Bekkala, and like Joe Walsh some years back I’m running for President and would appreciate your vote. Assuming you’re properly registered and can present photo I.D. at the polls in order to help mitigate the scourge of voter fraud which I’m told occurs every few years. Thank you.

BILL

FOX News Andrea Tantaros' Two Layers of Stupid

Not only did she deem Hillary Clinton’s stop at a Chipotle “Hispanic outreach” but, in doing so, insulted the intelligence of every Hispanic voter. You go, FOX News!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Screw Prudence

I’ve always felt Ringo was the coolest of The Beatles. Unless we’re talking body temperature, in which case it would be either John or George.

BILL

Seriously, people need to stop doing this:

Giving one star, i.e. a terrible review to a movie or DVD or CD because they had technical issues with their player and could not watch/listen to it.

BILL

Ol’ Blue Eyes & Me - My Dream at 5:29 Thur. 4/16/15 (Seriously.)

My roomy is Frank Sinatra. (Guess the recent HBO documentary has something to do with it. How should I know?)

Frank ambles into the room, looking restless and jumpy. “C’mon, let’s go do something,” he says.

“I don’t know, Frank,” I reply. “I kind of live a boring life even though it never bores me. How that’s possible will forever elude me.” He says nothing. “I like to take long walks,” I say as way of a suggestion.

He stares at me with those blue eyes, as if about to say something like “Good Christ, you really are boring.” Just then my 5:30 alarm goes off and I awaken, never to know what Frank Sinatra was about to say.

BILL

I Think He Does and Has One WACKY Sense of Humor

I wonder if FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly gets the irony of his being executive producer for a show called “Legends & Lies: The Real West.”

BILL

Billy Buzz Kill Alert

“This week, while millions of Americans scrape the bottoms of their savings accounts and the tops of their credit card limits to pay their share of taxes, the House (Editorial: Remember, it’s Republican House now.) will vote on a bill to fully repeal the estate tax. If it passes, the measure would redistribute an average of about $3 million a year to the wealthiest 0.2% of households in America — or about 5,000 rich families. With that in mind, enjoy Tax Day.”

(From an op-ed piece by Erika Eichelberger in today’s Los Angeles Times)

November Mourn

This California Democrat will only be voting in the June primary, not the November election. Hillary will understand though. Voting twice is inconvenient.

BILL

What's Good For the Gander is Good For the Gander

NEWS ITEM: Despite his being born in Canada, most believe Senator Ted Cruz is eligible to serve as President because his mother was a U.S. citizen living in the U.S. for more than 10 years (as required by the Nationality Act of 1940).

EDITORIAL: “Most” is not all, my friends. May I be the first to say we need proof of 3,650 days of Ted’s mother actually residing within the land mass known as The United States of America? How do we know for an absolute, irrefutable fact that she did not spend any time outside the US during this critical juncture? She could have been residing in any number of places. Like, oh, I don’t know… Kenya maybe! And, yes, I’m talking 3,650 separate, verifiable documents proving she was here at the time. To do otherwise is to ingloriously squat over our hallowed Constitution and relinquish the contents of one’s fetid bowels.

In the spirit of “Where’s the birth certificate?” might I propose “Where are the 3,650 separate documents of certification?”

Now… who’s with me?!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Myth-Busting 101

When someone states: “I don’t believe it’s right to judge others,” reply: So you’ve never voted then?

BILL

Perhaps From This You Will Extract Hope:

Two years before they flew and well into their attempts to fly, Wilbur Wright confessed to his brother Orville that man would not fly for fifty years.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Am I Alone in This?!

The shameless temerity of the University of California at Irvine to nickname its team the Aunteaters is insensitive and altogether mocking in its blithe acceptance of cannibalism. Besides that there is —er, wait. Oh, Anteaters. Well, that’s very different, isn’t it?

(never mind)

BILL

Cc: Emily Litella

Shaken Not Stirred

NEWS ITEM: LOS ANGELES (AP) — Scientists are virtually certain California will be rocked by a strong earthquake in the next 30 years, the risk of a mega-quake more likely than previously thought.

The chance of a magnitude-8 quake striking the state in the next three decades jumped to 7 percent from 4.7, mainly because scientists took into account the possibility that several faults can shake at once, releasing seismic energy that results in greater destruction.

EDITORIAL: Should this calamity come to pass, I can only hope and pray Obama will be wearing his flag pin.

BILL

Blathering? Bladdering? Who's to say?

I’m forever amused by those moments when you are engaged in a really, really long phone conversation with someone and – all of a sudden - you hear them get up and walk for a while, just before you hear the sound of their voice echoing ever slightly and it dawns on you that they are now speaking to from an abandoned mineshaft.

BILL

More Comedy Gold From Ted!

US Senator Ted Cruz intends to abolish the Internal Revenue Service. Aides say Cruz would replace the agency with a tax collection division in the Treasury Department.

Treasury already has a tax collection division. It’s called the IRS.

BILL