Best Of All, He Can Juggle!

President Trump’s son-in-law, a veritable monument to mediocrity, has been delegated the following tasks at The White House:

Advising Trump
Reinventing Government
Being a “Shadow” Diplomat
Brokering peace in the middle east
Solving America’s Opioid epidemic
Diplomacy with China
Reforming Care for Veterans
Reforming the criminal justice system

Jared Kushner. The right man for the job. The job. The job. The job. The job. The job. The job. The job.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump administration.

BILL

Must Have Been the Tryptophan

“Trump repeatedly mispronounced the name of Recep Tayyip Erdogan as the president of Turkey stood beside him. He also appeared bored or distracted when Erdogan spoke, coming to life when the Turkish president injected some fulsome praise for Trump and his election.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: 5/19/17 Los Angeles Times

What Happens When You Call The Press "The Enemy of The People"

… as did Joseph Stalin and Trump? Well, I do know that it makes incidents like yesterday’s, where Montana’s U.S. Congressman Greg Gianforte body slammed a reporter for – you know – reporting, much more susceptible to happening.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

PS: Bonus points if you can guess which political party Greg Gianforte is in. (But you only get one guess.)

On With The Show This Is It!!!!

“Donald Trump can only stay focused on intelligence reports if his name is in them, according to officials close to him. Staff members are being forced to strategically include the President's name in the reports to ensure that he keeps reading and doesn't get distracted, they said.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump administration.

BILL

* Source: Numerous

TO MY MANY FANS:

I‘ve been picking up your prayers of concern for the victims and their families in the wake of yesterday’s Manchester terrorist massacre. Let me be frank ‘cause – evidently – some of you are still not getting it. As you yourself are quick to remind others, I am all knowing, all seeing and all powerful. I knew this was going to happen and ALLOWED it to occur. The vibe I’m getting from your prayers – to be perfectly honest - flies in the face of the spirit of horror I unleashed yesterday. I’d tread verrrrrrrrrrry carefully if I were you. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely Yours,

“GOD”

Ahead of My Time

I pitched “The Emoji Movie” way back in 87. The studio folks stared at me as if I were completely nuts. I am so gonna sue those bastards.

BILL

More, more, more. How do you like it? How do you like it?

“When President Trump nominated David Bernhardt for the number 2 spot at the Interior Department, the administration cited his extensive experience. What the announcement failed to mention was that much of that experience was lobbying and doing legal work to elude or undermine Interior Department policies and protections.”*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: May 18, 2017 Los Angeles Times

Seriously, I Don't Know Which is Funnier:

Trump calling Comey a “showboat” and “grandstander” or him saying the Russian connection is a “hoax.” (You know, like climate change.)

BILL

Russian Rubelette

It seems a certain U.S. president not only divulged highly classified intelligence to Russia but sees nothing wrong in having done so, this despite the intel reportedly having been provided by a U.S. ally on the condition that it not be shared.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

A Pony Tale

President Reagan was fond of telling the tale of an optimistic boy of six who was taken to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. Beaming, the child clambered to the top of the pile and began

Reagan never finished the story, however, for the child did eventually find the pony, asphyxiated to death, its throat and lungs caked in near stone hard manure, the once frolicking, lovable beast now stiff and cold to the touch.

THE END

Threatening to Cancel WH Press Briefings in a Democracy

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Same Outhouse, Different Color

In the same way that you never heard Bill Cosby or Bill O’Reilly go beyond mere denials and actually utter the words “Not only do I deny these charges, but anybody who would do that of which I am accused is a despicable human being,” so have we yet to hear a parallel assertion from our current president. Oh, sure, he’s grumbled and tweeted and pounded his fists in fury and yet – if I were Trump and knew these charges were false – the first words out of my mouth would be “and anybody who would collude with the Russians in order to gain the White House is not only not a patriot but is guilty of treason as well.” Alas, Little Donnie has yet to utter any such words, thus joining the lowly ranks of Misters Cosby and O’Reilly in not doing the one thing that might possibly get me to believe in their innocence.

BILL

Travelgate II

“Based on publically available information, the total (travel expenses) for Trump’s first 100 days was at least $30 million. By comparison, the conservative think tank Judicial Watch found that costs for President Obama and his much smaller family averaged $12 million a year.”*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

*Source: May 8, 2017 Los Angeles Times

BILL

The Day My House Burned to The Ground

I was at the bar drinking and received three frantic calls from friends, informing me that my house was on fire. Assuming each to be merely a general “heads-up,” I ignored them.

When I got to my house it was completely burned to the ground.

Bummer.

BILL

He's Off to Greener Pastures (OK, He's "Off" in General...)

Mark E. Green, Little Donnie’s pick for Secretary of the Army, has withdrawn his nomination in the wake of his country learning some of his “thoughts.” Included among them that transgender is a “disease” and that there exists in public schools an “indoctrination of Islam.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Do Call Me, Shirley

During the wayward days of my youth, I had quite the crush on the lady I knew as “Shirley Partridge” (aka actress Shirley Jones). Scanning a Youtube video of The Partridge Family’s “Breaking Up is Hard To Do” I must say I had EXCELLENT taste in women! (And, frankly, she’s still quite the knockout at 83.)

BILL

The Art of The Raw Deal

NEWS ITEM: “The funding package President Trump signed off on over the weekend – one that largely preserves money for items he promised to slash, but does not advance his border wall – was full of concessions to Democrats.” *

EDITORIAL: Wow! Just imagine if he didn’t have both houses of Congress. The great negotiator…

BILL

*Source: May 3, 2017 Los Angeles Times

To Have and To Have

President Trump says he’d be “honored” to meet North Korean despot Kim Jung Un. Egypt’s president, who allowed his opponents to be shot, is doing a “fantastic job.” The president of The Philippines, who unleashed vigilante killings at home, is welcome at the White House. So is Thailand’s president, who took power in a coup. And Turkey’s president, who jailed thousands of opponents, got a congratulatory call.*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: May 3, 2017 Los Angeles Times

(And, on a personal note, how can you not invite a man – Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte – whose mere presence would honor the White House who at a campaign rally a year ago complained about not having been allowed to be first in line at a gang rape. Oh, who am I kidding? He sounds like a great guy! Send him another invite, Mr. President, but engrave it this time.)

Sophocles wrote:

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is love.”

I thought the word would be “tacos.”

BILL

Oh, I Love Irony

Former Trump National Security Advisor Michael Flynn leading chants at the RNC against Hillary of “Lock her up!” can now be filed under “Nothing Short of Hysterical” considering that he’s looking down the barrel of felony charges.

(And lest we forget he’s also the man who said if you’re asking for immunity you’ve probably committed crime.)

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL