The Gang That Shoots Straight

Hey, let’s admit it, we’re all getting a little bored with the news of American killing sprees, right? Am I right? I mean, James Oliver Huberty taking out 20 kids or so at Mickey D’s back in 84 was new and exciting at the time but now these types of stories are sooooooooooo 1992. Hey, media, we get it! We’re a violent, hate-filled society with folks who point fingers of blame at others for their problems instead of looking into a mirror right before going on their killing spree. (That’s right ghost of Christopher Dorner; I’m talking to you!) And boy do we love our guns! Am I right? Huh? Am I right? So, thank you, media, we get it. So now stop reporting these types of stories and get back to the stuff that truly matters to any thinking human being: “reality” TV.

BILL

The Chef At My Favorite Restaurant is Certifiably Insane!!!!

The really crazy part though is that he’s been getting away with it for years under the guise of “epicurean madness.”

BILL

My Days at The Dakota

I still grow nostalgic for the poker games I used to attend at John and Yoko’s apartment at The Dakota in New York. It was, as you can well imagine, a fun time, what with all four Beatles still alive and “Double Fantasy” producer Jack Douglas rounding out the group. The only issue that ever arose was when it came time to eat. Ringo was partial to Chinese. Paul liked Thai. George – quite predictably – desired Indian food, while John and Yoko – always in tandem – preferred the fare of a nearby pizzeria. Jack Douglas’s position was “whatever you all decide.” (As was mine.)

Much like their recording sessions, the group bickered endlessly over a simple meal! Finally, it being his home I suppose, John stood up and declared: “All we are saying is give pizza a chance.”

BILL

On Twitter: @BillBekkala

A Response To The Mallardjusted

On 12/18 I tweeted: “Auditioning for ‘Taliban Dynasty’, are we, rube?”

I have subsequently received – along with others I presume – a note via Facebook: “Do you like Phil [Robertson] and Duck Dynasty? Do you support his First Amendment rights? Do you support what he stands for? Let's show A&E that we want Phil back.”

The fallacy in this position is that, of course, we support Rubertson‘s First Amendment rights. Did I miss something here? Did the government come crashing down on him, depriving him of his freedom of speech? No , it did not. Mr. Rubertson is free to babble homophobic rants till the ducks fly home. It was his employer who chose to suspend him, per their rights in a free enterprise society. So now I’ll flip it back to those inquiring: “Don’t you support free enterprise? Surely, you’re not a Communist, are you?”

And as for what Mr. Rubertson “stands for”, well, quite clearly, he stands for hate.

BILL

Sir Isaac Fig Newton Proved This Years Ago

The laws of physics hold to every solid object within the vast realm of the universe with the exception of a paper napkin resting in one’s lap.

BILL

Shout It From The Highest Mountaintop!!

(OK, email or tweet it to others. Let the movement begin.)

“When riding an escalator, stand on the right, walk on the left.”

BILL


(On Twitter at BillBekkala)

Yes, I'm SOMEWHAT Defending Sarah Palin (and others)

Waaaaaaay too much is made of when politicians misspeak, for I can (honestly) recall my mother saying to me on several occasions: “Jim-John-Bill….”

Now obviously this does not mean that she did not know who I was. Moreover, how many whoppers would we all be guilty of if camera crews followed us around for substantial amounts of our time?

BILL

Back In The Pen I Gave Them The Shivers

On my first day at Folsom Prison I knew I better make friends and make ‘em fast! So I started my own business: Shivs-R-Us. Needless to say I became quite popular.

BILL

The War on Christmas

Smoke drifts upward in seemingly endless curls along the horizon while my worn and weary ears grow used it seems to the muffled rhythm of gunfire in the distance. I’m afraid the situation can now be described only as undeniably bleak. Rumors are rampant that the liberals have been kidnapping portly white haired gentlemen, binding their hands behind them, then hanging them from telephone poles, but not before hoisting signs around their necks reading “Ho-ho-ho,” as if to taunt the very name of Christmas, but I have yet to verify this with my own eyes. Hurried, chaotic whispers claim the rebels might be making inroads against the godless bastards to the east but who knows what to believe at this juncture? Field hospitals are packed with both rebels and, of course, the battered but still clinging to life wounded of anyone caught watching FOX News. Supply lines have been cut off and I fear all may be lost.

Pray for me.

BILL

They've Kicked Me Out of Lumberjack Camp

Something about my having an axe to grind.

BILL

(On Twitter at BillBekkala)

The Things Of Which I'm Most Proud

I once dove through a plate glass window without injury.

I can tell you who won every Super Bowl game.

I have never during my adult life made my bed.

I’m wearing 25% of my footwear and 100% of my tie clips.

I made it to age 34 without having to tie a tie.

I have twice flown coast to coast without peeing.

I actually wrote this email.

BILL

PS – As a bonus I once inadvertently started a fight with a stuntman, but I’m not exactly proud of that…

That Shoots My Plans All To Hell!

Was planning on watching the second half of “Bonnie & Clyde” last night but some blabbermouth told me how it ends. Jerk…

BILL

(On Twitter at BillBekkala)

Not To Say I'm Getting Old or Anything...

… but the first few steps I take when I get out of bed each morning make me look exactly like a zombie.

BILL

The War on Christmas

Hearing cannon fire on the horizon, I feel Christmas will fall very, very soon. This being so, it seems foolish for me to purchase gifts this year. But, hey, look at all the money I’ll save! Ho-ho-ho!!!

BILL

Tears of The Clown: A Childhood Memory

I remember once as a boy, crying about something, the cause of which now eludes me. My father, never a man of unlimited patience, scowled at me and said: “Listen to me, boy. If you don’t stop crying right this second I’m going to give you something to cry about!”

“Please don’t make me watch ‘Brian’s Song’ again,” I responded, my tears screeching to a halt.

BILL

I'm Living The Life of Riley!

That’s Biff Riley, currently up on check kiting charges and housed in the Men’s Detention Facility in El Paso, nursing several prisoner-inflicted bruises and bemoaning the fact that his wife is now shacking up with his former best friend.

BILL

Not-So-Happy Valley

NEWS ITEM: After Penn State announced to pay nearly $60 Million to 26 sex abuse victims, University President Rodney Erickson said in a statement: "We hope this is another step forward in the healing process for those hurt by Mr. Sandusky, and another step forward for Penn State. We cannot undo what has been done, but we can and must do everything possible to learn from this and ensure it never happens again at Penn State."

EDITORIAL: I have to admit, I’m a bit shocked his statement ended with those last three words, opening up as it does the thought “so long as it doesn’t happen at Penn State.”

BILL

My 2013 Best Lead Actor Oscar Predictions:

Tom Hanks “Captain Phillips”
Bruce Dern "Nebraska”
Matthew McConaughey “Dallas Buyers Club”
Geoffrey Rush “The Book Thief”
Chbytuneckralei Eltybrrhitsrbaa “Twelve Years a Slave”

BILL

I've Actually Said This a On a Crowded Subway Car:

“Let me through! I’m a doctor! Well…. I took a year of premed.”

BILL

My Personal Fab Four

For my money, Peter, Paul & Mary were the finest foursome in the history of pop music, the Invisible Man’s pitch perfect harmonies and lush vocal arrangements making for an incomparable sixties folk sound.

BILL

PS - On Twitter at BillBekkala

Now That's Just Plain WRONG!

I can do an amazing imitation of Uncle Charley from “My Three Sons,” but I only do it while playing Twister with six-year olds.

BILL

PS - Follow me on Twitter at BillBekkala (or not...)

Good News and Bad News Re The Obamacare Rollout

The bad news is that the problems with the website can never, ever, ever be fixed. And that is tragic.

The good news, however, is that several knowledgeable sources inside the White House have confirmed that through this entire crisis the President has been wearing his flag pin.

Let’s try to focus on the positive, people.

BILL

My Most Embarrassing Moment

I was visiting John Kennedy’s grave at Arlington National Cemetery when I tripped, spilling my 44-ounce Big Gulp. As bad luck would have it, the entire soda landed smack dab on top of Kennedy’s eternal flame, completely dowsing it and causing it to be extinguished. Man, you should have seen the looks I got.

Oh, and I once split the crotch on my pants when I was seven and the teacher had to staple them together but that’s a distant second.

BILL

Next Friday is "National Typical Tweet Day"

All tweets must be similar to 99% of all other tweets sent during an average day. A few examples:

Pasta I’m making sure smells great.

Ugh. Just not feeling up 2 anything today. And U?

Who doesn’t love buttered popcorn while watching movies?

Weather turning for the worse. (Grumpy face) Think I’ll stay inside.

Think “excruciatingly banal waste of time for the reader, even if in three second increments” as a guide.

BILL

Lee Harvey Oswald Bashing Week Continues on KBIL

You’ll recall that Dallas Police detective Jim Leavelle, handcuffed to Oswald prior to the latter’s transfer, said to him: “Well, Lee, I hope if someone takes a shot at you they’re as good a shot as you are.”

Now think about this. A man has just accused you of the horrific crime of killing the President. Now if you did not commit this act and knew yourself to be wholly innocent of the charge, how furious would your wrath be in calling into question this man’s ancestry for having the audacity to let fly such an utterly insulting remark?

Oswald, however, merely laughed.

BILL

PS - Follow me on Twitter at BillBekkala

An addendum to My Post of 11/15/13

Still handcuffed to the fatally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, Dallas Police Detective Jim Leavelle tells that he leaned directly over the assassin’s face and said words to the effect of: “You’re hurt real bad. Is there anything you might want to say right now?”

Now if you believe the Dallas Police Department was in on what is truly history’s silliest conspiracy – and certainly Leavelle himself would have been part of such a ruse - it stands to reason that he would claim Oswald’s dying words would be something akin to “I killed Kennedy.” Instead, Leavelle states that Oswald merely shook his head “no” before drifting into unconsciousness.

Yes, sadly, a loser got two out of three.

BILL

Those Quirky, Lovable Aphorisms of Yankees Catcher, The Late Yogi Berra

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

“It’s déjà vu all over again.”

And my personal favorite: “Hey, Boo-Boo, I believe the Ranger won’t catch us taking this pic-a nic basket.”

BILL

Tragic Bullet There, Lee

Since he killed my President and has – in the minds of many – been getting away with it for half a century, what say we do a joke at Lee Harvey Oswald’s expense? The man on the left in the iconic photo of Oswald being shot by Jack Ruby was a Dallas police officer named Jim Leavelle. Handcuffed to JFK’s assassin prior to the latter’s transfer, Leavelle said to him: “Well, Lee, I hope if someone takes a shot at you they’re as good a shot as you are.”

BILL


PS: On Twitter at BillBekkala

This Is a Story About a Welshing Witch:

That’s right, Stevie Nicks, you still owe me five bucks from that game of Snooker you lost at Clancy’s the other night.

BILL

PS: On Twitter at BillBekkala

My Derailed Rendezvous With Death

I was killed by kindness once but paramedics revived me, one applying CPR, the other hurling the cruelest of insults my way.

BILL

(On Twitter at: BillBekkala)

If It Is True That You Are What You Eat...

… one best avoid nuts or jerky.

BILL

PS - Join me on Twitter at Bill Bekkala

Mythbusting 101 - "Slow and steady wins the race."

Tell that to the crowd who laughed until they peed at my 1:09:07 time in the hundred yard dash back in high school.

BILL

PS - I'm on Twitter at Bill Bekkala

“Live every day as if it were your last.”

(Sworn enemy of the dental floss industry.)

BILL

PS: I'm on Twitter at Bill Bekkala

The Day Obama Held Me Hostage

Well before becoming President, Barack Obama broke into my apartment, gun in hand, rifling through my things and threatening to kill me when it was all over.

I begged for my life, tears streaming down my face, my fear and frustration all to evident, and I reminded him time and again that his plans for escape were ludicrous and to please, please not kill me.

“If I want to kill you, I’ll kill you, period,” he uttered coldly each time.

This went on for several minutes, me trying to convince him of the futility of escape, him reminding me repeatedly that when it was all over I was a dead man. “Period.”

In the end, he slipped out a back window, having loosened the knots prior to making his escape and thus allowing me to free myself of the ropes. The final knot undone, I ran to the open window and shouted as Obama leapt over the backyard fence. “Hey! What the hell? You said you were going to kill me. You’re nothing but a g*****n liar!”

BILL

That's One Small Stumble For Mankind

If the folks currently in Congress bemoaning the less than stellar rollout of Obamacare were in the same positions back in January of 1967 – when a launch pad test of Apollo One resulted in the three capsule-entrapped astronauts being fried to a crisp - I highly doubt man would have ever set foot on the moon. (And don’t even get me started on what would have been their December 8, 1941 flag of surrender to the Japanese.)

BILL

Howling at The Name

It’s a little known fact that the sixties rock band Steppenwolf was originally named Steppenwolfdung. Not unwisely, they shortened their name.

BILL

PS - Hey! You can find me at "Bill Bekkala" (Just don't tell the thirteen children I've spawned.)

To This Day I Love Monkey Bars

And, when duly inebriated, have been known to plant myself at a bar stool and flirt shamelessly with an orangutan or chimpanzee.

BILL

PS - You can find me on Twitter at "Bill Bekkala" (I think...) when not at a monkey bar.

I Should Have Read Them My Miranda Rights

Got up this morning to discover that all of the fruit I had purchased last night had spoiled! Yes, what would have been a splendid hat shall never be, so, no, you will not be seeing me attired in full Carmen Miranda regalia today. Screw you, Trader Joes…

BILL

2013 Winner For Best Short Subject

Two porn queens - Jenna Jameson and Sasha Grey - found publishers for their novels. (Three if you count Kim Kardashian.) This being the case, please look for “Bend It Like Bekkala” at an adult theatre near you.

BILL

PS - Or I suppose you could simply go to this link: http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

For the second time, Scarlett Johansson has been named the “sexiest woman alive” by Esquire magazine. Evidently, I came in second. While oddly flattered, I called Esquire, telling them outright that I am not a woman.

“But you’re just so darn sexy,” they replied. “And you are alive.”

Oh well…

BILL

If It Bleeds, It Leads; If She's Cute, We Don't Mute!

NEWS ITEM: A Colorado judge ordered the partial release of grand jury documents related to the 1996 unsolved slaying of 6-year-old beauty queen Jon-Benet Ramsey.

EDITORIAL: Good God, why couldn’t this poor child have been ugly, sparing us the useless onslaught of these stories?

BILL

Turnin' Coffee

The New England Journal of Medicine reported today that drinking two or more cups of coffee a day has a salutary effect on one’s body. They acknowledged however that – history being a guide – there is a 50-50 chance that future findings will contradict today’s report and coffee will once again be deemed detrimental to one’s health.

BILL

The Daze of Whine and Rubes (Part 2)

(A Follow Up to Yesterday's Offering)

Silly me. I forgot! These are two entirely different situations. With Afghanistan and Iraq we were killing people as opposed to trying to help them. And when it comes to killing, well, “quitting” just ain’t right.

I can be so dense.

BILL

The Daze of Whine and Rubes

As the floodgates open re the problems arising with the debut of Obamacare, dare I ask the naysayers: Where was all your shamelessly weak-kneed, embarrassingly defeatist, wave-the-white-flag-of-surrender, cower-at-the-first-hint-of-trouble, “can’t do” spirit when we could have really used it: like in Iraq or Afghanistan?

BILL

The Unfair Power of a Gaffe

During a trip to Austria in 1975, 62-year old – I’ll say it again: 62 year old - President Gerald Ford slipped on the steps while deplaning Air Force One, sliding all the way to the ground in front of the International press. Aided by SNL’s Chevy Chase’s subsequent portrayal of him as a klutz, the clumsy oaf persona of Gerald Ford was born, relegating to trivia the fact that while attending the University of Michigan, Ford played center and linebacker for the school’s football team, helping the Wolverines to undefeated seasons and national titles in 1932 and 1933.

BILL

The "Chicken" Has Come Home to Boast

When I was a kid, we relentlessly bullied our pintsized neighbor Sal Minella for refusing to sled down Suicide Hill like the rest of us. I can still recall our merciless taunts which spread like a virus: “Chicken!! Chicken!!”

“I hate you, you bastards!” Sal would scream. “And I’ll get each and every one of you one day! You won’t even see me coming! You’re all gonna die!” We just laughed.

Sal Minella. What a goof.

Seems I’m the only one left of the old gang….

BILL

Good News and Bad News

Received my latest pay check at work. “Wow! That’s a lot of zeros!” I said excitedly, just before realizing it was all zeros.

BILL

Clearly I Watch Too Much Football

Every time I see 1983’s Star Wars episode “Return of the Jedi,” I think Jabba the Hutt – the villainous blob imprisoning Princess Leia – should be named “Jabba the – CHECK! Black-59-razor! Black-59-razor! Hut-hut-HUTT!

BILL

More Tales of Film Piracy

I guess it’s obvious to everyone now that I, indeed, failed my audition to play one of the Somali pirates in “Captain Phillips.” Evidently my “Arrrrrrrrrr.... shiver me timbers” growl did not sit well with the producers. Would have been nice to work with Tom Hanks. Bummer.

BILL

I Banged Into Actress Cathy Bates!

“I’m your number one fan,” I said. It did not sit well with her. In fact, I think it caused her misery. BILL

24-Hour Pain Release

Fact: I have not had a headache in twenty years. As for causing them, well, that’s a different story.

BILL

Insert Deadpan Steven Wright Delivery Here:

The other day I renewed my membership to the Flat Earth Society. I was in orbit at the time.

BILL

Meat Me At The Theatre

Bummer. Someone bought me tickets to Oscar Wilde’s play “Salome.” It was about King Herod and John The Baptist. I thought it was about an Italian delicatessen.

BILL

My Position on The Band Chicago

While a fan of Chicago’s first album’s single “Questions 67 and 68” I must say I always felt Question 69 to be the more probing query.

BILL

Mama Mia!!

I’ve been described by friends as “cantankerous” and “curmudgeonly.” My Mom simply calls me “a dick.”

BILL

A Novel Approach

In the interest of boosting sales, I’m rewriting “City of Seven Rivers” so that those aboard the Enola Gay are vampires.

Sincerely,

BILL KARDASHIAN (my new penname)

Talk About Accepting The Things You Can’t Change...

There’s something inherently ironic - if not tragic - about the number of smokers huddled outside AA meetings just prior to things getting underway.

BILL

I Was One Wild Cat!

Back when I attended the University of Kentucky I was asked to leave when higher ups learned I had suggested we change our school nickname to the Jelly.

BILL

My Nose is Healing Quite Nicely My Doctor Says

I told a woman recently that she looked a lot like actress Anne Hathaway but without the same lovely eyes and smile.

BILL

Living The Life of Willie

I’m not saying my life has been devoid of trouble or anything but about the biggest disappointments I’ve endured have been those times when I feel a sneeze coming on and it gets derailed by a sudden interruption.

BILL

How Much Do I Like To Eat?

I think all pie chart presentations should be done with actual pie.

BILL

Scientists Label It "Selective Hearing"

There are thirty separate muscles within each ear of a cat.

All but one of these completely ignore you.

BILL

Perhaps My All-Time Favorite Non-Fiction Book Quote:

The state watches impotently as its culture, beamed in from the coasts, becomes coarser and more offensive by the year. Kansas aches for revenge. Kansas gloats when celebrities say stupid things; it cheers when movie stars go to jail. And when two female rock stars exchange a lascivious kiss on national TV, Kansas goes haywire. Kansas screams for the heads of the liberal elite. Kansas comes running to the polls. And Kansas cuts those rock stars’ taxes.

Thomas Frank (born and raised in Kansas) from “What’s the Matter with Kansas?” (2004)

Serenity Now!!!!

In light of the fact that author Sue Grafton’s latest novel is entitled – per her ingenious alphabet marketing scheme – “W is For Wasted,” I fear she is so dreading naming her final novel with the letter “Z” that she will soon find herself at AA.

BILL

Silver and Lack of Talent

Former Los Angeles Raider linebacker Matt Millen once bragged how a sign in the Raiders’ locker room read:

Raider Rule #1: Cheating is encouraged.

Raider Rule #2: See Rule #1.

I always thought Rule #2 should read: We acknowledge our inability to win within the rules of the game, so – in the spirit of the losers we know ourselves to be – see Rule #1.

BILL

My Recent Interview With Paul McCartney

BILL: Paul! Great to have you here.

PAUL: It’s great to be had.

BILL: You mean like… “fooled?”

PAUL: Never mind.

BILL: OK, so what was it like being a member of The Beatles?

PAUL: Can you narrow that down a bit?

BILL: What was it like being a Beatle?

PAUL: Well, it had its highs and lows.

BILL: Lot of highs from what producer George Martin had to say.

PAUL: To quote Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes: “Jolly joke.”

BILL: Thanks. I thought so. So let me ask you: What was your favorite Beatles album?

PAUL: “Let It Be.”

BILL: And why is that?

PAUL: Because it was the last one.

BILL: Things were that bad near the end, were they?

PAUL: Let’s just say I was glad when it was all over.

BILL: You know, I have to say, my favorite Beatles song is “The Long and Winding Road” which you wrote and sang, but which was altered quite a bit by Phil Spector. Much to your disappointment.

PAUL: The strings, harps and horns, you mean?

BILL: Yeah, I love that arrangement.

PAUL: Well, you’re an idiot.

BILL: (laughing) Who would ever think that a guy who stuffed a gun into a woman’s mouth and blew her head off could write such beautiful music?

PAUL: Who would ever think “The Catcher In the Rye” could inspire someone to shoot John?

BILL: I remember having to read that in high school and wanting to shoot myself. Does that count?

PAUL: How did you get this bloody gig?

BILL: Change up! What was your reaction the first time you heard Yoko Ono sing?

PAUL: Is that what you’re calling it then?

BUILL: Ouch! Seriously though.

PAUL: Honestly? It sounded like an owl being tortured. It sounded like… like…

BILL: Like a blackbird singing in the dead of night?

PAUL: Like a blackbird being tortured in the dead of night.

BILL: You and John had a peculiar songwriting credit method in that you shared credit despite each of you frequently writing songs separately.

PAUL: I often get asked about this and here’s a good hint: When I’m singing the lead that tends to indicate that it was a song that I wrote. When John was singing that was probably a song that he mostly wrote.

BILL: And what about when Ringo was singing?

PAUL: That usually meant that John and I had been drinking.

BILL: Well, that explains “Octopus’s Garden.”

PAUL: Actually Ringo wrote that, though if I recall he was quite pissed at the time. Me mum rather fancied that one.

BILL: Well, she’s an idiot.

PAUL: She was actually. Dumb as a post really.

BILL: I noticed George Harrison creatively has done, like… nothing for years now.

PAUL: That’s probably because he died over ten years ago.

BILL: He did??

PAUL: Good Christ, I’m going to kill my publicist.

BILL: Wow. John is dead. George is dead. Your wife Linda is dead. Now you’re going to kill your publicist. Granted, it’s a track on Charles Manson’s favorite Beatles album, but are you sure it wasn’t you and not John who wrote “Happiness is a Warm Gun?”

PAUL: That’s a low blow, mate.

BILL: Speaking of low blows, got any good groupie stories for me?

PAUL: You’re an idiot…

(McCartney leaves.)

BILL

I Too Am STEAMING Over The New Miss America!!

Not because of her Indian ethnicity (which enrages the racist rubes out there). I just think she’s plain ol’ butt ugly. BILL

In 1975 I Visited The Jolly Rancher Factory in Colorado

Everywhere I looked were jovial men in worn jeans, leaning back in chairs with their steel-toed boots pointed high, spitting tobacco juice onto the wooden floor while regaling one another with amusing tales of water and grazing rights, wolf infestation and the like.

It was one of the most unsettling experiences of my life, one from which I doubt I’ll ever fully recover.

BILL

It's "The End of The World" As I Knew It

I’ll concede this might be the smoking gun that many seek proving I’m an idiot, but I would argue that a veritable cache of weapons exists if one looks hard enough.

While sitting in a restaurant recently Skeeter Davis’s 1963 hit “The End of The World” was playing and it finally dawned on me that she was singing “Don’t they know it’s the end of the world” instead of what I thought she was singing from the time I was a little boy “Don’t say no; it’s the end of the world” (which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever but – hey – I was a child).

There is no joke here. It’s just that a half century long error is kind of amusing…

BILL

PS – She hated being introduced during gigs as “Miss Skeeter Davis.” (OK, I guess that counts as a joke.)

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Why does Bill keep sending emails.
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Doobieous Choice

A buddy of mine suggested I have some fun and “roll a fattie” last weekend. Now I’m being sued by an obese man for injuries sustained.

BILL

Damn Hoaxers...

NEWS ITEM: Tons of carbon and methane lie under the Arctic tundra, trapped in ice. The frozen ground, called permafrost, covers nearly a quarter of the Northern Hemisphere.

Global warming is thawing patches of permafrost, releasing carbon dioxide and methane — both greenhouse gases — into the atmosphere. An airborne NASA mission called CARVE (Carbon in Arctic Reservoirs Vulnerability Experiment) is tracking the gas emissions to better estimate their impact.

"Permafrost soils are warming even faster than Arctic air temperatures, as much as 2.7 to 4.5 degrees Fahrenheit in just the past 30 years," Charles Miller, a research scientist at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., said. "As heat from Earth's surface penetrates into permafrost, it threatens to mobilize these organic carbon reservoirs and release them into the atmosphere as carbon dioxide and methane, upsetting the Arctic's carbon balance and greatly exacerbating global warming," said Miller, principal investigator for the five-year mission.

Hey, Dear, Clean Out The Ear Wax!!

She went out with me because she thought I was one of them Rhodes scholars but then done up and bolted from Clem’s Rib Shack when I said I was a road kill scholar.

BILL

I Want a New Job

Now that he’s no longer a pop star, singer Huey Lewis should become an anchorman, just so he could close out each broadcast with “This has been Huey Lewis and The News.”

BILL

From Our "You Are Not What You Eat" File:

The American Psychological Association today announced that it will label as a sign of mental illness for any person to prefer plain M&Ms over peanut.

(For once I agree with them.)

BILL

Yes, The Film Was Great, But I Loved The Novel Even More!

In fact, I’ve read “Life of Pi” 3.14 times!!

BILL

Hey, I'll Admit It, I Too LOVE Baby Pandas!!

And they go great with mashed potatoes! BILL

Good Manners Are Everything

It was during my many years as a manure salesman when I learned the true value of a firm, heartily pumped handshake, a belief that, anyway you cut it, passes the smell test.

BILL

Tinder Mercies

Having openly despised Yosemite National Park for quite some time now, words can scarcely capture the heartwarming joy I feel as I watch acre after acre of it burn away to ash. Hey, I’ll admit it, I’ve been hard on the climate change deniers of late, but this time I’m sending a hearty shout out their way, knowing as we do that scientists predicted increasing drought conditions would lead to frequent and more intense brushfires, much like the one we’re seeing in Yosemite. So thank you, climate change deniers! And what say we all join together now and chant: Burn, baby, burn!!!

BILL

Ruining The Four-Minute Miley

And remember, kids, if you’re not that musically talented: sex it up!!

BILL

Chicken of Curry

NEWS ITEM: July 9 marked the first anniversary of Savannah Guthrie replacing Ann Curry on "Today," and the numbers suggest that the change hasn't been kind to the show, which has been losing ground to ABC counterpart "Good Morning America" lately.

EDITORIAL: I told them to go with someone older than Ann Curry. Not younger! Idiots….

BILL

Bill re Bills

So I’m cashing a check and when the teller counts off the bills one of them has a big brown splotch on it. “Now there’s a case for money laundering,” I said innocently. Next thing you know I’m talking to the Feds!

BILL

Hey, I Admit It, I LIKE San Diego's Mayor Bob Filner

He makes me feel so, well… normal.

BILL

Now That's Just COLD!!!

A girlfriend once broke up with me and was so happy about it she named her chain of stores after our breakup: Smart & Final.

BILL

Three Solutions In Search of a Problem

Inspired by North Carolina’s Republican governor recently signing into law legislation intended to ban already illegal voter fraud (when no such problems exist) and the GOP’s ongoing efforts to prevent Sharia law (less likely to occur than finding Jimmy Hoffa), I have started a petition to ban Martian law. I’m sure – no matter one’s political stripe – that none of us would ever want to find ourselves under the tyrannical jackboot of Martians. So let’s cut the little green men off at the pass with preemptive legislation. Who’s with me?!

BILL

A Message From Cate Blanchett:

Hi Everybody! Just wanted to say how excited I am that Bill Bekkala has already made it known that I will win the Oscar for Best Actress on March 2, 2014 for my performance in “Blue Jasmine,” a film in which – and on this the critics agree – I might be just about as crazy as Bill.

CATE

Don't Play It Again, Sam

Following an eighteen-hour operation, a surgical team at an undisclosed New York Hospital today reported that they have designed the perfect filmmaker, having successfully removed Woody Allen’s obtrusive love of jazz.

BILL

Hoaxer Stuff

NEWS ITEM: The year 2012 was a terrible time for the planet, according to a new report by the American Meteorological Society. Edited by scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the 2012 State of the Climate report revealed that Arctic sea ice reached a record low, while sea levels and greenhouse gases from fossil fuel burning hit all-time highs last year.

(Look, ma, no editorial….)

BILL

A Much Tighter Gettysburg Address (Abe Could Be a Tad Wordy)

Eighty-seven years ago our great grand dads started the U.S.A., born in freedom and dedicated to the deal that everyone’s equal.

Now we’re stuck in a terrible war, testing whether we, or any land made like ours, can last. We meet on a big battlefield, a chunk of which we want to dedicate as graves for those who died so others don’t. It is totally fitting that we do this.

But, seriously, we can't dedicate, consecrate, or make this ground holy. The brave guys who fought here already did, and way beyond what we could do. No one will remember what we say here, but it sure won't forget what they did here! Either way, we have to finish the job the noble soldiers I mentioned earlier started. We are to be dedicated to the work left — that from these honored dead we really devote ourselves to what they died for and firmly resolve that they won't die for no reason - that the U.S.A., by God, shall again be born free - and that government of, by, and for the people, won't go extinct.

BILL

Hey, I Smashed a Porch Spider Once Too You Know!

Seriously, I don’t know what the big deal is. James Dean made only three more movies than I have.

BILL

Not So Happy Anniversary (Yes, I Have My Serious Side)

In light of the fact that on this date in 1945, Hiroshima was destroyed by the first wartime use of an atomic bomb, I thought I’d plug my novel, “City of Seven Rivers.” The story, set in 1995, is about a Marin County junior high student who suspects that Myron Hunter, the 74-year-old recluse next door is in fact Arden Hennessey, former bombardier on the Enola Gay. The boy’s suspicions counter the widely held belief that Hennessey, whose postwar success as a painter would nearly be undone by unrelenting guilt over the death and destruction he himself unleashed upon Hiroshima, leaped off the Golden Gate Bridge on the 10-year anniversary of the bombing. There are some reviews on Amazon/Barnes & Noble (none of which I wrote….)

BILL

PS – Anytime anyone suggests that the scenario I’ve written about didn’t actually occur I remind them that Jack and Rose weren’t really on the Titanic.

http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

(Forgive the plug, but if I don’t do it who will? And if you’ve read it, feel free to post a review at Amazon or Barnes & Noble. And tell a friend. Thanks.)

I Am, Like, So Hung Over Right Now!

Last night I played a drinking game with a bunch of minors. We downed a shot every time one of them used the word “like.” The game barely lasted a minute.

BILL

To Forgive is Human; To Electrocute Is For The Dogs

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick has “forgiven” teammate Riley Cooper for recently using the N-Word, resisting his initial impulse to electrocute someone whose performance had so disappointed him.

BILL

New Gold Standard for Denial of Personal Responsibility!!

Embattled San Diego Mayor Bob Filner – and, oh, it breaks my heart to have to call him a Democrat - is asserting that his untoward behavior toward women is due to the city having neglected to give him sexual harassment training.

This trumps in mind-boggling temerity his earlier request to have taxpayers pick up the tab for his legal expenses.

BILL

PS – Mere hours after I wrote this I was proven wrong, for yesterday, Ariel Castro, convicted of imprisoning three women in his house and raping them repeatedly for a decade, blamed his actions on a sex addiction, his former wife and even the FBI for not thoroughly investigating the abductions.

Time To Clean Out The Ear Wax

I thought she said "You have a seriously sexy ass."

What she actually said was: "Seriously, you're a sexist ass!"

BILL

I Want You to Want Me to Be Ambassador

In light of the fact that I actually bought Cheap Trick’s live at Budokan album, I feel my foreign policy credentials trump those of Caroline Kennedy, making me the better fit to serve as Ambassador to Japan.

BILL

Hoaxer Stuff

“The last two decades have seen fires that are extraordinary in their size, intensity and impacts.”

U.S. Forest Service Chief Tom Tidwell

A key factor in these fires of late is drought. Care to guess what causes droughts?

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

I was in a Starbucks once when a real rattler of an earthquake hit. As it happened, actor Michael J. Fox was in line waiting for a cappuccino. The dude didn’t move a muscle.

BILL

Call Me Crazy But

… I’m surprised there aren’t more transvestites named “Amanda.”

BILL

By George I Think I've Got It!

NEWS ITEM - LOS ANGELES: Since the enactment of the “stand your ground” law, concealed weapons permits in Florida have tripled and now exceed 1.1 million. This has happened during a time when violent crime in the US has decreased by more than 15-percent. In Florida, violent crime is down 25-percent.

EDITORIAL: I suppose it fair to ask if the aforementioned decrease in violent crime isn’t due to the “stand your ground” law as well as the increase in concealed weapons permits.

Just asking. Let the games begin.

BILL

Confucius Say:

“Boss who reads BlackBerry while standing at urinal soon become pee-on.”

BILL

Dead Men Do Tell Tales

Lawyers in the wrongful death lawsuit for Michael Jackson today announced the unprecedented legal maneuver of subpoenaing the one person they deem most responsible for the pop star’s death: Michael Jackson.

BILL

Michael Moore Divorcing Wife After 21 Years

She must be crushed.

BILL

SPECK OF GOO

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

Deep inside your mother’s womb
Hours old your life now blooms.
Male seed has hit the shore.
You’re now life forever more.

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

Though booger-sized you’re from above
And so I pledge nine months of love.
I’ll yell at sluts with bullhorn cries
And pray that Roe v. Wade soon dies.

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

The Lone Star state we love the best.
These men have sworn to never rest
Until the sluts we so despise
Are dead and gone and caked in flies.

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

In nine months you’ll learn your worth,
Upon the day your Mom gives birth,
I’ll speak these words and make you cry:
“You’re goo no more, fuck off and die.”


William P. Bekkala
July 2013

My Sports Pet Peeve

Those professional athletes who whine endlessly about “the media,” clueless to the fact that it is media coverage of their sport, i.e. television, that has allowed them to become multi-millionaires in the first place. Moreover, in listening to many of them, I think I can state with a high degree of confidence that, were it not for their athleticism, many of them would be luck to catch on at Hot Dog on a Stick.

BILL

Because Nothing Says "Injustice!!" Like Committing an Injustice...

NEWS ITEM LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Protesters ran through Los Angeles streets Monday night, breaking windows, attacking people on sidewalks and raiding a Wal-Mart store, while others blocked a major freeway in the San Francisco Bay area in the third night of demonstrations in California over George Zimmerman's Florida acquittal in the killing of Trayvon Martin.

Hey There Georgy Girl

How to Rid Yourself of All Your Enemies (A Primer):

Step 1: Get into a fight with them.
Step 2: Shoot and kill them.

BILL

If I Were Friends With John McEnroe...

… I would constantly play practical jokes on him simply to hear him yell: “You cannot be serious!!”

BILL

Stop It, Mick, You're Killing Me!

It’s a little known fact that actor Burgess Meredith, already showing early signs of dementia, arrived one day on the “Rocky” film set wearing his old Penguin costume from the sixties TV series “Batman.” Sylvester Stallone almost peed himself laughing, crew members say.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

If time travel were indeed possible I would without question go back to Dallas, Texas on the morning of November 22, 1963 and warn President John F. Kennedy that he was about to die anyway so could he please settle a bet and tell me whether or not he fucked Marilyn Monroe.

BILL

Oh, Those Wacky Texans...

Texas State Representative Jodie Laubenberg recently suggested that abortions are unnecessary because, quoting her, “in the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits* where a woman can get cleaned out.” Care to guess her party affiliation?

Hey kids, are you in the mood for a punch line? This woman sits on the Public Health Committee.

BILL

*used for forensic purposes following a rape

I'm Sure The Victims of 9/11 Would Concur

When Texas State Senator Wendy Davis conducted a filibuster last week, Arlington Representative Bill Zedler called her a “terrorist.” Care to guess his party affiliation?

BILL

Animal Attraction

Yes, I must now confess that the rubes were right the whole time and that the whole marriage equality movement was but a single step on the road to marrying animals. Our true purpose having been exposed, won’t you join me as I wed my beloved Komodo dragon, Agnes, next June? Details to follow.

BILL

Forget Texas, Don't Mess With MICHIGAN!

It took three days before I spotted any litter along the streets or roads during a recent trip to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Here in Los Angeles, it takes three seconds.

BILL

Hoaxer Stuff

NEWS ITEM: More scientists from all over the world are joining the ranks of scientists endorsing human-caused global warming. By 2011, the consensus was around 98-percent.


Now the question I have for doubters is why, with agreement sitting at 98-percent and an overwhelming degree (pun intended) of climate-related physical evidence continuing to roll in, would you align yourself with the 2-percent!? I ask this mindful of the context that between 8 and 11 percent of Americans still believe Elvis is alive. (For the record, The King would be 78.)

BILL

Rush to Judgment

Okay, so here's basically what happens. Everything's going along just fine, everything's cool, and then all of a sudden homosexuals say, "You know what? We want to be married," and the people who don't think that marriage is anything other than a man and a woman said, "No, no, no, no. Marriage is strictly between a man and a woman. That's what it means; it's what it's always meant."

Rush Limbaugh, Radio Talk Show Host – June 26, 2013


Okay, so here's basically what happens. Everything's going along just fine, everything's cool, and then all of a sudden slaves say, "You know what? We want to be free," and the plantation owners who think that negroes should never be anything other than slaves said, "No, no, no, no. Slavery is strictly for negroes. That's what it means; it's what it's always meant."

Jedidiah McWhitey, Slave Owner – June 26, 1860


(Satire aside, even this man’s premise is absurd, that being “everything’s going along fine.” Well…. yeah, assuming you’re not a gay possibly pondering suicide because of the disdain hurled at you on a daily basis by the likes of the Rush Limbaughs of the world.)

BILL

As Cletus Calls It: “SCOTUS Hocus Pocus”

Sorry if I seem frazzled today. I was up all night trying to reassure some of my straight couple friends that their marriage is still solid. This did little good, however, with my old Kentucky pals Cletus and Thelma Lou, both of whom got liquored up with moonshine - upon hearing yesterday's US Supreme Court rulings on gay marriage – then grabbing cousin Zeb’s shotgun just before hanging up on me.

They haven’t been returning my calls. I am not optimistic.

BILL

They Hate Us For Our Freedom!

Does that freedom include opting out of any unsolicited offers of being “saved?”

Just asking….

BILL

Stop Me Before I Down Another Chili Dog

With the American Medical Association recently classifying obesity a “disease,” we move ever closer to a prediction I once made that murder defendants will one day be able to plead not guilty by way of suffering from “homicidal intent syndrome.”

BILL

Yes I DO Host Tupperware Parties!

And I can tell you from personal experience that attendance varies depending on whether drugs and alcohol are served.

BILL

The Sweetest Taboo

Whenever I reach into someone’s candy jar, I say: “Well, one more Kit-Kat Bar (for example) never killed a man,” justifying my eating it. Today I reached into a jar of Life Savers and said the same thing before realizing: “Hey! It can’t kill me. It’s a life saver!”

BILL

Two Great Communicators

“A few months ago I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that's true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not.”

President Ronald Reagan - 3/4/87 from the Oval Office addressing the Iran-Contra Scandal


“A few months ago I told my friends that 2 + 2 = 5. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and evidence tell me it is not.”

William P. Bekkala - 6/7/13 from the San Luis Obispo Sanitarium for The Mentally Deranged

Time To Clean Out The Ear Wax

I grew tired of my looks forever being described as “Clooney-esque” until someone pulled me aside and told me that what they were saying was: “clowny-esque.”

BILL

"He Has A Dry Wit"

The gentleman’s way of saying: “He’s not that funny.”

BILL

PS – Actually, I believe this joke itself might qualify.

"I Need My Beauty Sleep"

Whenever I say this, I swear a few seconds later I hear muttered and trailing off behind me: “Boy, do you…”

BILL

Not an OK City

Milton Bradley’s board game Twister – unlike much of last Monday’s debris – is not exactly flying off shelves in this town of late.

BILL

Pro-Life of O'Reilly

While watching Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly attempting to browbeat a pro-choice advocate into stating that a fetus is “nothing more than an unborn baby,” I would have given anything to see her concede that point only on the condition that he himself admit that he is “nothing more than the walking undead.”

BILL

Actor/musician Kris Kristofferson:

Played college rugby, track and field and football, earned a Rhodes Scholarship, won awards as a boxer, earned the rank of Captain in the US Army, completed Ranger school and flew helicopters. He turned down an opportunity to teach English Literature at West Point to chase his dream of becoming a songwriter by sweeping floors at a Nashville music studio, a decision for which his family disowned him, never reconciling with him.

I, on the other hand, quit Boy Scouts because I didn’t want to learn to tie all those damn knots.

BILL

Tornados Blow

Sorry, but I believe the urgent warnings stemming from scientific data gleaned minutes before the Moore, Oklahoma tornado amounted to nothing more than “scare tactics,” in the end your typical lab coat fear-inducing blather. Try again, four eyes. Oh, and keep your climate change crap to yourself.

BILL

I'm Joining The Blue Man Group!!

(Whoops! Typo.) I’m joining a club for morose middle-agers called “Man, we’re a blue group.”

BILL

A Page From The Pat Robertson Playbook:

I think God is punishing Oklahoma with tornados for consistently voting red. BILL

This Is The End…

If The Doors were a car, they went from a four-door at one time to, sadly, a two-door yesterday. Rest in peace, Ray Manzarek. BILL

Liberal Media's True Colors EXPOSED!!!

As I suspected all along, the alleged “lapdog” of the Obama Administration is, in fact, doing all it can to derail it, what with its extensive coverage of the Benghazi attack, the IRS scandal, and the Justice Department seizure of Associated Press phone records. I had my suspicions from the get go, of course, when, mere days before the 2008 election, the “liberal” media trumpeted the whole Reverend Wright non-issue in a shameless attempt to hand the presidency over to John McCain. Now, however, all doubt has been erased. This being so, what say we finally lay to rest this grossly inaccurate canard?

BILL

I Would Make an Excellent Judge!

Having spent years on the bench during high school sports.

BILL

If Time Travel Were Possible...

… and knowing what you know now you could go back in time and kill anyone and get away with it, as much as I might want to end the life of a Hitler or Stalin, I have to admit I would be sorely tempted to take out the one person who most encouraged Bob Dylan in his singing.

BILL

A Fact, So Don't Mess With Me:

I have never lost a bar fight.

BILL

Try This Some Time:

Next time someone says to you: “You think you’re so smart,” say to them: “Actually, I’m of average intelligence. It’s just that that when compared to you, yes, I do come off as nothing short of a genius.”

BILL

Tall Tales of Baseball Lore

My skills as a shortstop during my youth were so renowned that, whenever I ensnared an otherwise unwieldy grounder and tossed out the runner at first, the fans would serenade me on my trot back to the dugout with: “This is no orrrrrrrrrdinary glove, no orrrrrdinary glove.”

Soon however I would be jolted awake by the infernal din of the morning alarm.

BILL

Cc: Sade

Alien Encounters

Last night I dreamt I was a character in a Ridley Scott film, namely the resident buffoon cracking jokes and keeping everyone laughing. When I let fly the punch line to one whopper of a joke, everyone listening simply burst out of the chest of the person standing next to them.

BILL

The Abysmal Depths of My Catholic Guilt

I could never in good conscience order dessert on the company dole during a meal for which I could otherwise justifiably charge them.

BILL

I Just Flew in From New York

And, boy, are my arms tired! This obnoxious kid just wouldn’t shut up on the plane so I kept smacking him. Left, then right. Left, then right! “Shut up, ya little brat!” Nothing worked despite my exhaustive efforts. Oh well…

BILL

GL Accounts

Private Ledger was mortified upon being drafted, knowing fully well as he did that – even if he succeeded in the military beyond his wildest dreams – attaining the rank of General would only result in endless derision and titters behind his back.

BILL

Will Reese Weather The Storm?

Just prior to her recent arrest for disorderly conduct, actress Reese Witherspoon verbally took on the arresting officer with the rather predictable: “Do you know my name!?” Wouldn’t it have been cool if he had responded: “Yeah. You’re someone paid millions to dress up and play make believe, but I fail to see the relevance.”

BILL

I'm a Football Genius, Years Ahead of My Time

Not only, as I have informed you before, did I invent the West Coast offense forty years ago, a scheme built around short, sustained passes in order to march downfield in a more controlled manner – an idea later attributed to alleged gridiron “genius” Bill Walsh - but I have been venting for well over a decade that offensive tackles should rank much higher in the draft, the position being critical in preventing blindside hits to a drop back quarterback.

Fact: three of this year’s top four draft picks are offensive tackles! And the number one pick overall? The NFL, evidently having heard that yours truly went to Central Michigan University, clearly assumed that only the best play there. Yes, the highest pick in the overall draft – indeed, an offensive tackle - attended good old CMU! Chip-oo-ah!!!

BILL

The Diarrhea of Justin Bieber

Pop star Justin Bieber wrote the following in the guestbook after his recent visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." (sic)

Now I’m not saying he’s a terrible person by any means, but his ego has evidently blinded him to the fact that young Anne remains so far above him on any plane worthy of consideration, that it renders it impossible – even within his silly hypothetical - for someone as exalted and sublime as her to ever look “up” to someone as vacuous and historically insignificant as Justin Bieber.

BILL

Riddle Me This, Blastman:

What were Adam Lanza and James Holmes prior to Lanza creating a twenty deep pile of bullet-ridden six-year olds (and six of the adult variety) while Holmes – not to be outdone – killed a dozen moviegoers, while injuring 58 others?

Answer: “law-abiding citizens.”

And isn’t this the fallacy of the gun lobby argument, i.e. that gun control laws will only rein in “law-abiding citizens?”

There is also – as others point out - the intellectually feeble assertion that, since criminals won’t obey these laws, then why enact them? The logical extension to this of course is: then why have any laws at all?

BILL

You Make Your Hospital Bed; You Sleep In It

While I will always be 100% opposed to torture – whoops! faux pas on my part; I meant “enhanced interrogation techniques” – I’d be lying if I didn’t say the thought did occur to me that perhaps we might want to skip the pain meds for the Boston bombing suspect.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

You know who I really feel sorry for? Those who ran 25.99 miles of the Boston Marathon only to be told they had to turn back.

BILL

I Didn't Like Monday

What we should call the suspected Boston Marathon bombers: The Boomtown Rats.

BILL

I've Gone a Little Waco

When a fertilizer plant explodes in Texas, whether we like it or not, it truly is fertile ground – see? I just proved my own point - for humor. (OK, bad puns then.) But in light of the stink that arose - whoops! I did it again – after Tuesday’s Boston Marathon email, wherein I suggested that any post-explosion prayers of solace and comfort countermand the rather unsubtle message of wanton destruction that had been allowed from on high to occur moments earlier, well, let’s just say: lesson learned!

So with regards to Waco, let me to be the first to declare: God be praised!

Can I get an “Amen?”

BILL

Obama: ‘Evil’ Boston bombings were act of terror

Thanks, Mr. President. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening there. Thanks for clearing that up.

BILL

Boston Baked Paens

I can’t help but shake my head in astonishment at talk of prayers in the wake of yesterday’s Boston Marathon bombing, it being abundantly clear that the god to whom one would pray has quite clearly already ruled on the matter and, purportedly omniscient and all powerful, merely sat back to watch the bombs explode and the body parts fly.

BILL

When in Rome...

… do as the Romanians (as my father used to say). My trip to Maryland this weekend was fabulous! As usual I got crabs.

BILL

Let's Admit It:

If there’s more than a grain of truth to the adage that those who go to NASCAR events go simply to see the crashes, then there exists within the cosmos a certain dark, karmic harmony that kicks in whenever crash debris flies over the safety fences and into the crowd, killing spectators.

BILL

"Go With The Flo"

That’s what the gals all tell me, Flo (of Progressive Insurance) and I having been an item for years now. But when I was interviewed by Lara Spencer on Good Morning America the other day about my being the only person in America without a cell phone, well, let’s just say sparks were flying. And neither of us was standing anywhere near a light socket. Man, was Flo ticked! Two nights ago I was on the couch, but now I’m back in bed. Now that’s progressive! BILL

I Have a Friend Named Earl Grey

Not surprisingly, he’s a member of the Tea Party.

BILL

My Favorite Question For 9/11 Conspiracy Buffs

What message was not clearly conveyed by destroying The World Trade Center such that it warranted the additional destruction of Building 7, i.e. do you think the conspirators actually felt that the collapse of the twin towers was simply too subtle and needed a little extra oomph?

BILL

Maximum Bill

If I ran a prison, I would personally take a Death Row prisoner’s 11:00 pm meal request, noting his desire for barbequed ribs, mac and cheese, chocolate malt, etc. Then, one hour prior to his execution, I would raise the silver platter, displaying for him his final meal of steamed Brussells sprouts, no butter. Then – granted from the safety of the other side of the bars – I would place my thumbs to my ears and wiggle my fingers, rocking my head to and fro while uttering in a sing-song manner: “You shouldn’t have killed that family. You shouldn’t have killed that family…”

BILL

PS – OK, I’m actually against the death penalty; I just think this is funny…

There's a Reason They Call Them "Throwback" Uniforms

Nine times out of ten they’re so hideous they should be thrown back.

BILL

Try This at Work Some Time:

When a coworker coughs, say: “That doesn’t sound very good.” If they respond: “Nah, just allergies,” say: “Oh, that’s right. I heard others saying you’re allergic to hard work.”

BILL

Let's Rectify This Custom

Could we cease with the lame habit of nicknaming celebrities by using the first initial of their first name and the first syllable of their last? (Examples: “JLo” for Jennifer Lopez or “JLaw” for Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence.)

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Andrew Holester

Hack Job

My hacker friend Stosh is a riot. He left a sign on his front door reading: “Gone Phishing."

BILL

Not Working For The Man

I think the only long-term hope for humanity lies in women taking over every position of power and/or world governance. Seriously, could they do any worse than the endless war, murder, rape, over-population, destruction of the environment, torture, starvation, genocide, violence, slavery, famine, drought, poverty, molestations, “honor” killings and female subjugation that have afflicted humanity since time immemorial, all of which have been brought to us compliments of men?

BILL

What I Did On My Vacation

Last Monday I planted myself outside the Beverly Hills courthouse at 8:00am sharp. Soon, a sheriff’s deputy approached, inquiring what I was up to.

“I’m waiting on Lindsay Lohan,” I replied.

“But she’s not due in court,” he responded.

“That’s OK; I’m off all week.”

BILL

Now THAT'S a Vanishing Cream I Could Go For

My ex just went on this new Gwyneth Paltrow Elimination Diet. Sadly, both are still with us.

BILL

A Fun L.A. Thing I Like To Do

Approach appallingly under-eating, weight-obsessed skinny women and ask: “When’s the baby due?”

BILL

Letting My Fingers Do The Talking

I enjoy getting together with my tier-two friends on the strict proviso that during the entire time we are together they utter not a single word, allowing me to concentrate fully on the task at hand, that of course being texting my close friends.

BILL

A Grim But Amusing Thought

They say there are no female serial killers, but how do we know that they simply aren’t infinitely better at it than we stupid men who continue getting caught all the time?

BILL

How My Medical Career Imploded

My days at the reception desk came to an ignominious end when hospital management discovered that I bid farewell to every patient with: “Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

I like to borrow money from Alzheimer’s patients because more often than not they forget that I owe them.

BILL

Freckles on Bare Arms

“A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Seems the staunch advocates of the second amendment aren’t quite as passionate about the bold and italicized portion above as they are the latter half.

BILL

Mass Media

At a recent GOP convention, the positively rotund Karl Rove offered the following to the 500 assembled delegates: “My message is this: get off your ass." This is trumped in irony only by 2007’s “Sicko,” the filmic indictment of the American health care system compliments of the heart-attack-waiting-to-happen known as Michael Moore.

BILL

Bill's Lifeless Humor

I hope that, when I die, the hearse carrying my corpse gets a flat, rendering it such that I am, yes, late for my own funeral.

BILL

Lost Wages, Indeed!

So there I am at a Vegas roulette table when I notice this lovely, caramel-skinned lady eyeballing me time and again. Finally, she sidles up to me and whispers: “You know, once you go black, you never go back.” So I keep betting on black over and over and over. By the time the evening was done I had lost everything! Damn her! Damn her!!

BILL

Litterbugs: A Non-Character Study (ESSAY)

Perhaps it’s my imagination, but I swear people litter more these days than they have in the past. On my morning stroll to the bus stop, I am forever amazed by the amounts of trash I see scattered along sidewalks, lying in gutters, strewn across lawns and tossed – or intentionally set down from the opened door of a parked car - onto the street by what I can only assume to be legions of litterbugs. I see little reason to describe what actually comprises this trash because, barring blindness, any resident of Los Angeles is already too familiar with the sordid details.

What they should grant further consideration to, however, is the type of person who actually litters or, more precisely, the qualities that form the character – or lack thereof – of a litterbug.

First and foremost, litterbugs are lazy. Look around and you will see endless garbage that has been tossed away, often within close proximity to a trashcan. It well seems that, for litterbugs, taking a few steps in the direction of a waste container in order to properly dispose of some trash is far too trying a burden, one glaring in its lack of perceivable benefit to them. The more communal benefit of lessening a city’s visual blight is, for them, evidently a bridge too far.

They are irresponsible. Despite that whatever they are holding in their hand was intentionally placed there by them only moments earlier, they divest themselves of any responsibility for that same object once it has been shorn of its use to them. Rudely casting the item aside, they leave it for others - namely, the rest of us by way of city sanitation workers - to dispose of properly.

They are self-absorbed, dismissive of the fact that the litter they have created is no longer their concern but rather someone else’s. Clearly, they have more important things to do with their time and cannot be troubled by such trivial matters as picking up after themselves. This they deem to be the purview of others. The “help” perhaps.

They have no respect for other people’s property, a point rendered indisputable time and again with every piece of trash they fling onto someone else’s lawn or out onto our city’s streets and freeways. It can well be stated that, in doing so, they hoist a middle finger in the direction of either the property owner or all of us collectively, i.e. the taxpayers, the act itself brazen in both its contempt and utter disregard for one’s fellow citizens.

They do not care at all about the environment. Most of us by now are aware of the existence of state-sized masses of garbage floating upon the upper surface of our oceans, the contents having gathered together over time by wind and water currents, the resulting flotilla squandering sea-life and rendering the water covering the bulk of our planet the next best thing to a sewage tank. Whether it’s a plastic bottle tossed into a gutter that soon finds itself adrift in the ocean or a piece of trash lobbed into someone’s yard, it worsens either the ongoing despoliation of our oceans or the Everest-sized problem of our landfills. Moreover, in selfishly forgoing the opportunity to recycle the item, litterbugs only add to our ever-increasing dependency on natural resources – made worse each day by the world’s growing population – as well as humanity’s apparent default tendency toward environmental degradation.

Finally, the act of littering is a crime, no matter the city, no matter the state. Simply put, litterbugs are the very essence of habitual scofflaws. Three strikes, you ask? Try hundreds.

So when it comes to choosing those with whom you wish to associate, it would seem a perfectly fair and rational litmus test of character to find out whether the individual in question is a litterbug. In the end what you really should be asking yourself is this: why would you want to spend any time whatsoever in the presence of a lazy, irresponsible, self-absorbed scofflaw who has no regard for the property of others and who cares not a whit for the environment?

BILL

Go Phish

Seriously, these days I would really hate to be an extremely wealthy man who happens to find himself imprisoned in a Nigerian jail, my freedom entirely dependent on the persuasive letter writing skills of my dearest friends.

BILL

My New Snack Invention

Donut hole rings. “Donuts” for short.

BILL

Brevity Is The Soul of Wit

“Game of Thrones” actor Peter Dinklage has been added to the cast of the next installment in the “X-Men” film series. Following production, he will star in a remake of “Get Shorty.”

BILL

Fate Accomplished

The irony regarding rogue cop Christopher Dorner is that the LAPD found him unfit to be a police officer, a finding that so enraged him he went on an unhinged killing spree that proved them right.

BILL

One of Those 80-20 Rules

If you had to guess who of the six below would invite as his personal guest tonight to the President’s State of The Union address a man who threatened the life of the President (Ted Nugent), who would you pick?

A Democrat from California
A Republican from Illinois
A Democrat from Michigan
A Republican from Texas
A Democrat from Missouri
A Republican from New Jersey

(Scroll down for answer)

BILL






























You were right! A Republican from Texas. Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) (By the way, if you didn’t guess this, you really do need to read a newspaper more often…)

I Guess "Shill-Bud" Was Already Taken

NEWS ITEM: The three-week-old star of Budweiser's Super Bowl ad now has a name: Hope.

Anheuser-Busch said that its contest to find a name for the foal born Jan. 16 at the company's Clydesdale ranch in mid-Missouri generated more than 60,000 tweets, Facebook comments and other messages. Hope was one of the more popular names generated through the social media effort.

Other suggestions were nods to the song featured in the commercial, including Landslide — the name of the song — and Stevie — for Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks.

Oh, Say Can You See The Obvious Solution?

Another pop star finds herself under attack for her performance of the national anthem, clueless to the fact that the entire brouhaha could be avoided simply by performing the national anthem.

BILL

Try This Some Time

When someone says “Put your money where your mouth is,” pull out your wallet and stuff your every dollar into your mouth. I do this and you should see the looks I get!

BILL

Hopping Mad

When we were little, my brother Smedley and I would ride in the back of Uncle Nestor’s Chevy. These were innocent times, of course, when drinking and driving was not the maligned pastime it is today. Anyway, Uncle Nestor would, yes, drink and drive, rolling down his window and heave-ho-ing his numerous empties into the ditch while the car was still in motion. We would get so angry whenever we saw this and, one day, Smedley mustered up the courage I so lacked and shouted: “Hey! We like beer, too, you know!”

BILL

A Fun Drinking Game

When watching the SAG Awards, down a shot whenever you see an actor seated in front of a plate of food where you can plainly see that he or she has eaten everything on the plate. My AA pals and I do this every year and not one of us has fallen off the wagon.

BILL

PS – This also hands you a laugh whenever you hear any of them bemoaning world hunger.

Man of Style

So I’m at my usual coffee shop, when I get in the annoyingly long line for the bathroom. When finally my turn, I glance to those behind me and say, “I’ll only be a moment. Need to change into my Superman outfit.” Their lame, polite smiles – ranging from “I get it but it’s still not funny” to “idiot” – vanished seconds later when I emerged in full Superman regalia, my former glasses nowhere to be seen.

BILL

But Seriously Folks...

It’s not all fun and games. Here’s some info and a link re a novel I wrote:

City of Seven Rivers is historical fiction set in 1995 about a Marin County junior high student who suspects that Myron Hunter, the 74-year-old recluse next door is in fact Arden Hennessey, former bombardier on the Enola Gay. The boy’s suspicions counter the widely held belief that Hennessey, whose postwar success as a painter would nearly be undone by unrelenting guilt over the death and destruction he himself unleashed upon Hiroshima, leaped off the Golden Gate Bridge on the 10-year anniversary of the bombing.

http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

BILL

PS – And if you dig it, spread the word… Thanks!

Working Payphone You Ask? Dial “F” For “Frustration”

Per my minimalist leanings, I do not own a smartphone. Nor have I ever owned a cell phone. Key among the reasons for this is I have yet to come across a mobile phone capable of providing the same consistently high quality reception I get from the dinosaur contraption that is my home phone landline. Call me quaint, old-fashioned or curmudgeonly, but I refuse to lower my lifelong standard of having my every telephone conversation be – per the ads from yesteryear – “the next best thing to being there.” On the rare occasions when I use someone else’s cell phone – or when calling a cell phone - I invariably become annoyed by the patience-fraying intrusion of delays, overlapping dialogue and blips in transmission so garbled they rival Neil Armstrong’s first words from the lunar surface.

OK, I’ll admit it; I’m cheap, too. One phone is enough, I say.

But where does this leave me when having to place a call while away from home? For decades the trusty payphone proved ever reliable, the coin-fed apparatus a dependable tool at a reasonable price.

I believe the days of the conveniently located payphone are numbered, however, for with each passing year I inch closer to finally joining the ranks of the smartphone generation, bidding farewell to the payphone days of yore. Why? Because they are going the way of the buggy whip.

For quite some time I have become increasingly frustrated by the dwindling number of payphones. They are, in fact, becoming all but extinct, their slow and steady decline relegating cell phone holdouts like myself to occasionally having to rely upon friends or the kindness of strangers for use of their cell phones.

Desiring to bolster the aforementioned with firsthand statistics, I recently walked a four-mile stretch of Sunset Boulevard from Doheny Drive to Vine Street. My initial plan to stroll east on one side of the boulevard, then west along the other was rendered unnecessary by the sheer dearth of payphones, their pitifully small number prompting me to simply cross over to the other side of the street upon spotting another payphone.

With notebook and pen I recorded the location and condition of each and every payphone along my route, the twofold results of which were equally disappointing, albeit hardly surprising. On what might well be the most famous thoroughfare in all of Los Angeles, I came upon only ten functioning payphones, a few of which nevertheless refused to relinquish coins to which they were not mathematically entitled. As for the others, their purposeless existence was mirrored by their abject physical state. Many of the receivers had been vandalized to the point of being smashed in half or ripped out entirely, leaving behind a tangle of multicolored wires soldiering on to communicate one last, desperate message: Upkeep is not high on the list of priorities of “the phone company.” From Highland Avenue to Vine Street – in the very heart of Hollywood - there was not a single payphone to be had. Nor did any of the service stations I passed along the way have a payphone, one that might sorely be needed by a customer whose car has just been towed onto the lot yet who does not possess a cell phone. As best I can tell, this leaves only two remaining places where one can reasonably count on finding a working payphone: hospitals and airports. To those clinging to the belief that a cell phone is more luxury than necessity, I say this: It’s not looking good.

I’m not so naïve as to anticipate a resurgence of payphones in the years ahead. Like most anyone, I predict the opposite, i.e. their inevitable demise. Perhaps in a few years I’ll trek along Sunset once again to conduct a second survey. I’m fairly certain, however, that by then the tally of working payphones will have slipped from its lofty perch of double figures. I realize the clock is ticking and not at all in my favor, so I suppose I should begin preparing for the day looming large before me when, at long last, I will utter those dreaded words: “Can you hear me now?”

BILL

Call Me Crazy But...

… I’m pretty sure one could gain access into a nuclear missile silo simply by hiding outside the door, waiting for someone to leave, then tapping out “Shave and a Haircut” on the door ten seconds later.

BILL

I'm Cancer Free, Everybody! I'm Cancer Free!!

Not that I was in remission or anything; I’m just thrilled not to have cancer.

BILL

Table My Booth

Janusz Kaminski had to be talked into being cinematographer for Steven Spielberg’s latest film, his hesitancy stemming from the belief that he would henceforth be known as the man who shot Lincoln.

BILL

Oscar Major Whine

I’m the first to admit the inherent difficulty in playing the Oscar “snub” game, forcing one to ask as it does: “OK, who gets pulled from the list of five nominees?” With the directorial exclusion of previous Oscar winner Kathryn Bigelow for “Zero Dark Thirty,” the last thirty minutes of which are so mesmerizingly tense you practically have to peel yourself from your seat at film’s conclusion, here is my reply: “Anyone. That includes you, Mr. Spielberg….”

BILL

I Miss Working at NASA

Unlike my present place of employment, they spared no expense when it came to quality toilet brushes.

BILL

"Keep In a Cool, Dry Place"

Basically, this applies to any place in which I am located when not drinking.

BILL

Rush to Judgment? I Think Not!

I’m not saying Notre Dame got their ass kicked last night but the Fighting Irish’s “dangerously mobile” quarterback Everett Golson averaged one less rushing yard per attempt than I did.

BILL

It's The Next Best Thing To Being There!

NEWS ITEM WASHINGTON — In the days since the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary, a shell-shocked nation has looked for reasons. The list of culprits include easy access to guns, a strained mental-health system and the "culture of violence" — the entertainment industry's embrace of violence in movies, TV and, perhaps most telling, ungodly realistic, ultra-violent video games.

(I do think there is something inherently “off” in someone who derives his jollies by coming as close as he can to the “fun and pleasure” of blowing people’s brains out, a vicarious experience rendered all the more special by capturing just the perfect array of blood splatter, all the while knowing he need never face the noisome inconvenience of being gang-raped in prison later on.)

BILL

No Wonder Their Teeth Are So Sharp!

It’s not just that my cats go after the dental floss I momentarily dangle just before curling it around two fingers to begin flossing, the weird part is that, on the few occasions they manage to snatch it away from me, they actually begin to floss!

BILL

This Will Come As No Shock Whatsoever:

But my nieces and nephews consider the phrase “crazy uncle” to be redundant.

BILL

Sure Fire Laugh at Most Any Massage Parlor

Utter the following:

“I’m (insert your name here) and I approve of this massage.”


BILL