My All Time Worst Halloween Costume

I once came to work wearing a beehive but ended up being sued by four coworkers for the numerous bee stings they sustained.

BILL

Makes Me Want To Believe in a Hell

After Senator Edward Kennedy's death, Ed Klein, an editor for New York Times Magazine and an author of several books about the Kennedy family, stated that Kennedy asked people he met, "Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?"

(This from a man who in one night probably cheated on his wife, drove drunk, killed a woman and, by failing to report the accident, essentially covered up a felony. To this mind-boggling insensitivity people should have responded: “No, Teddy, but what would Lee Harvey Oswald’s favorite song have been had he lived? Meat Loaf’s Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.”)

BILL

My Least Favorite Movie Villain Name

“Freddi Krueger.”

I’m sorry, but this does not remotely evoke a nightmare on Elm Street but rather images of the dude bagging my groceries.

BILL

Let's Concentrate on New Ideas

GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain stole, yes, stole his idea for an electrified fence along the US-Mexican border from Auschwitz concentration camp commander Rudolf Hoess.

C’mon, Herman, let’s at least try to be original…

BILL

Female Anchor Interview Questions - Fox News

1) Are you hot?

2) Have you ever been described as hot?

3) Are you remotely offended or flattered if described by someone as hot?

4) Are you at least twenty years younger than our average male anchor?

5) Would you be opposed to co-anchoring with old, fat, bald males when you yourself look so hot?

6) Have you ever uttered the words: “I want to see the birth certificate?”

7) Would you be open to going blonde?

8) Is your physique “fair and balanced?”

9) Would you sue male co-anchors should they find themselves aroused by your hotness, knowing it is this quality in particular that helped you obtain your position here at Fox News? (Google former Fox producer “Andrea Mackris” should you require further information.)

10) Can you speak knowledgably on the issues of the day?

The correct answers are: 1) yes 2) yes 3) flattered 4) yes 5) no 6) Yes 7) Yes 8) Yes 9) No 10) This is a bonus question; we don’t really care that much.

You must score 90% or better in order to apply.

BILL (O’REILLY)

Go figure…

Happily carless lo these many years, I’ve noticed that, while there are countless – and I mean countless - handicapped (wheelchair-logo) placards hanging along the front mirror of cars, the only actual wheelchairs I ever see are resting beneath people riding the bus.

BILL

Leon Lett Me Down

Who will be the pro football coach brave enough to bench a player for celebrating his touchdown before actually scoring it, said action – history has proven – greatly elevating the chances of a turnover that might cost his team the game, that is to say an action showing that the player values his hot-dogging more than he does his team’s success?

BILL

To My Liberal Comrades!

Citizen Cain has outed us! Looking his countrymen in the eye this Sunday, he trumpeted what has been our goal all along: the destruction of America. While the element of surprise is now lost, the cause remains! To the ramparts, friends!!!

BILL

While It's True I'm a Natural Smart Ass

I’m quick to remind folks that admitting this should in no way slight the years I have devoted to honing my craft.

(To which they usually respond: Smart ass....)

BILL

Dream Weasel

Once, on a day on which I did not need to get up at my usual hour, I was awakened by the sound of a barking dog.  Upon awakening, I realized that the barking dog had occurred only in my dream.

This annoyed me greatly, wide awake as I now was, until I realized that the house was on fire.

BILL

My Favorite Candy Bar

I suppose if I had to pick one, it would be Butterfingers, for every time I bite into one I bask in the nostalgic glow of the endless taunts I received when playing wide receiver in high school.

BILL

"You Look Like Shit"

For my money, this is the most overused line of dialog in the history of movies. What bothers me most however is that only once have I seen it spoken to a character who - shall we say - wasn’t looking his or her best. It is, I might add, spoken to George Clooney in the otherwise brilliant “Michael Clayton.” I’m sorry, but George Clooney wouldn’t look like shit if you dipped him up to his hairline in a vat of manure.

BILL

All My Rubey Friends

Sorry, Hank Williams Jr., no ESPN did not – as you say - dip a toe into going against the First Amendment and freedom of speech when they canned you from Monday Night Football. That would be if the government had done so. ESPN acted freely, choosing to forgo using your little tune because, after all, it’s a free country.

BILL