I'm So Stupid

I just found out Bill Withers is a singer. I thought it was me in bed.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

I just found out a mammogram is not a telegram sent to your mother.

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Playing The Joker

In the 1995 film “Devil in a Blue Dress” Don Cheadle more or less steals the movie right out from under lead Denzel Washington. I mentioned this to Denzel at our Tuesday night poker game and man he got pissed. What an ass.

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Modus Operandi

“The buck stops here.” Harry S. Truman

“I blame (insert name/group here).” Donald Trump

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The Two Jokes

Two guys are carpooling. The passenger hears a troubling sound emanating from the engine. He mentions it to the driver, who replies: ”Just turn up the radio.” (heh-heh…)

The other “joke” is from John Holdren, a Harvard University professor who served as Director at the White House Office of Science and Technology under President Obama. Commenting on Donald Trump’s plans to cut funding for NASA investigation of climate change: “I call this a know nothing trifecta. These are people who know nothing. They’re proud of knowing nothing. And they don’t want anybody to know anything.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

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Sorry, Sean Hannity, He's Still Nuts

“U.S. intelligence agencies inadvertently intercepted communications involving the Trump transition team late last year, the chairman of the House Intelligence committee said Wednesday.”*

A far cry from Little Donnie’s tweet of: "How low has President Obama gone to tap my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy.”

Try again, Sean.

BILL

*Source 3/23/2017 Los Angeles

From Our War is Peace Department...

NEWS ITEM: The Department of Homeland Security released the first ever report on law enforcement agencies that are potentially “endangering Americans” by failing to cooperate with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement detainers and named multiple jurisdictions in California.*

EDITORIAL: This is “funny” for two reasons: the first being the fact that illegal immigrants – the obvious infraction aside – commit statistically less crime than legal residents. The second is what Los Angeles has proven for decades: that if it widely understood that police do not make inquiries about one’s legal status, illegal immigrants witnessing crimes will more readily come forward to assist police in criminal investigations. Moreover, if police did assist I.C.E, criminals could more easily exploit/harm illegal immigrants, knowing full well their victims will not go to the police for fear of deportation. Or to put it all another way: we might want to start calling it The Department of Homeland Insecurity. Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

*Source: 3/21/2017 Los Angeles Times

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80 Proof

“Investigating it and having proof of it are two different things.” (White House spokesman Sean Spicer, commenting on an FBI investigation into possible collusion by Trump aides and Russian authorities.)

Hey, Sean, are tweeting it and having proof of it two different things as well?

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Truth in Advertising

Let’s resurrect Clara Peller from the old Wendy’s “Wherrrrre’s the beef?” ads re Trump’s so far baseless charge that Obama wiretapped him. “Where’s the proof?” (Once again and with gusto: sweet vindication….)

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This is Killing the "Defense of Marriage" Crowd

NEWS ITEM: In the year following any state’s adoption of marriage equality, the rates of attempted suicide among gay, lesbian and bisexual high school students in that state fell by 14% below that group’s rate of suicide attempts in states that had not changed their policies on gay marriage.*

EDITORIAL: Can I get an “Amen” from the pro-life contingent?

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*Source: 2/22/17 Los Angeles Times

Fool You Once, Shame on You, Fool You Twice, Highly Likely

C'mon now! Cheer-up all you Trump voters who are now finding out that you’re about to lose your Obamacare benefits. Don’t be grouchy Gretchens. You’re gonna get a wall.

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Heavy Drinking in The Marketing Dept?

I kid you not: Lays now has a potato chip flavor called “Beer ‘n Brats.” (Beer ‘n brats. Sounds like me when I babysit.)

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A True Story, I Swear

In the wayward days of my youth, my mom would wash my mouth out with soap whenever I swore. Lot of fucking good that did.

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Am I Stoned?

City of stars, are you shining just for me? (Oh, you are?! Well, OK then, that’s better. Thanks!)

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No, I Insist: After You!!!

I concede this shows a lack of patience on my part, but if I hold a door open for you, just go through it. Don’t stop and debate me as to who should go first, ‘cause now you’re really wasting my time.

And another thing! (Just kidding; there is no other thing.)

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A Sad Day for "The Movies"

RIP to TCM host Robert Osborne who, in his warm, understated way, made every film he introduced seem well worth watching.

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All I Ask is a Little Consistency

“I’m not an expert on climate science.” This is the excuse by which some politicians “justify” their denial/doubts re the vast preponderance of scientific evidence of climate change. Unfortunately, they limit this line of “reasoning” to the one topic. Just imagine…

“My mechanic told me I needed a new carburetor but since I have no training in auto mechanics I doubted what he said and simply left his shop, my car coming to a dead halt in the middle of the Mojave desert that blazing August afternoon.”

“My dentist urged me to approve an implant supported bridge but having never gone to dental school, I was skeptical and left his office. Within three weeks I was sipping breakfast through a straw.”

“My plumber told me I needed a septic tank backflow preventer but since I know nothing about plumbing I doubted his conclusion. He shrugged his shoulders and left. The next day, there was shit everywhere!!”

“The pediatric cardiologist was emphatic in his utter certainty that our little Tiffany needed immediate emergency surgery on her aorta, but, hell, I’m no doctor so I said we’ll just wait and see. Please send flowers.”

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Duck! It's The Donald!

The coolest thing about voting for Donald Trump is that you can tell your daughters and granddaughters that you voted for a man for President who bragged about repeatedly committing sexual assault against women. How cool is that?!!

Errrr… hmmmmmmmmm… wait a second. Maybe that’s not so cool. Oh, well. I needn’t worry. After all, I voted for the lady with the private email server.

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Moonlight Missed

The Oscar envelopes are double-checked, police-escorted, devils-advocated, rehearsed and guarded and still we had a screw up Sunday night.

Two words: nuclear weapons.

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What's The Matter With Kansas? And Florida? And Alabama? And....

In these bitter, contentious days, it’s important for us to find common ground where and when we can, and I have little doubt all of us know in our heart of hearts that the Kansas man now being held on murder charges who grumbled “Get out of my country” to two men of Indian descent before shooting them both was a Trump voter. (And never forget, Little Donnie fans, you may not be too comfortable with the shooter, but he’s comfortable with you.)

BILL