Not to say I'm a weird guy...

… but I had to be told Pennywise the Dancing Clown was the bad guy after seeing “It.”

BILL

UH!!! I CANNOT sleep of late!

I keep worrying if someone is kneeling during a song.

BILL

Today I Painted The Baby's Room!!!

Which is really weird because I don’t have a baby.

BILL

I have a love-hate relationship with many people.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I love hating them.

BILL

Bye-Bye Bird Feeder

I bought a bird feeder once but then soon realized I missed the days of chewing up the food then spitting it into their little beaks.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

I just found out the “casting couch” is not about fly-fishing.

BILL

"I'm, like, a really smart person."

It’s the “like” that makes this Trump quote stand out among so many of the other truly stupid ones.

BILL

Let's Keep Our Priorities Straight, People.

I haven’t told anyone this until today but I was in Vegas during the mass shooting and as the bullets started to fly I said to myself: “Don’t worry, Bill. I’m sure Obama is wearing his flag pin.” Naturally, I went unscathed.

BILL

By George, Orwell Was On To Something!

Less than 1% of Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt's meetings are with environmental groups, per a CNN report. Now imagine if there was a Rape Prevention Administration and the head of it spent 99% of his time with rapists. Were that so, you would have a little thing I like to call: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Gunning for a Record

More Americans have died from guns in the last fifty years than have died in every war since the American Revolution.*

Wellllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

*Source: PunditFact

"It's funny to hear a female talk about routes"

This is what Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton recently said during a press conference. Perhaps you need to hear it from a diehard liberal, Hillary voter, staunch advocate for equal pay and rights for women and one who has been pro-choice his entire life: Cam Newton was simply telling the truth. When you have been surrounded by males on the football field your entire life and the people with whom you discuss your trade have always been male, when a woman asks you a detailed question on passing routes – strap yourself in, snowflakes – guess what? It’s kind of funny. At a bare minimum it’s “amusing” simply because it’s so atypical. He didn’t berate her or her question. He didn’t question her legitimacy in being there or her knowledge of the game. He simply commented that in the oddness that is rightfully becoming less odd as time goes by, i.e. women’s presence in major professional sports, he’s still working on getting there.

Furthermore, as Dennis Miller once said: “That’s why we call it a sense of humor.” You don’t think about it. You don’t weigh and consider it. You don’t inform the person who just told you a joke “Let me ponder this and get back to you as to what I deem the proper level of laughter to which it should be entitled.” You either laugh or you don’t. (No less an expert than Jackie Gleason said that last line, by the way.)

Finally, to blow a gasket over this tiny perceived infringement only hurts the cause of those fighting against the more blatant instances of sexual harassment that occur every day. I’ll dumb it down for some: equality for women is now further away than it was a few days back. Congratulations.

BILL

My Thoughts on "Thoughts & Prayers"

In the wake of the Vegas massacre and to better plan for the next one sure to come, I’d like to address the always predictable Republican response of “sending out thoughts and prayers” instead of helping bring about reasonable gun restrictions. I have stated in the past that “thoughts, prayers and $2.50 will get you a cup of coffee at The Cheesecake Factory” but allow me to go further in showing you how utterly worthless they truly are by appealing to the capitalist in all of us. You cannot sell your thoughts and prayers. Not even for a buck. I know what you’re thinking: “Bill, how would I know if they actually sent out their thoughts and prayers on my behalf?” Answer: Do this with your closest – and preferably religious - friends whose sincerity you completely trust. Go up to them and say “Hey, fellas, for a buck I’ll send out some thoughts and prayers on your behalf.”

See if you get any takers.

And, as a bonus: We can safely assume about 20,000 very similarly worded prayers were being sent skyward simultaneously Sunday night. How’d that work out for y’all?

I’m here to help.

BILL

More on Donald Trump

The funniest thing about the news report that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson – at a meeting of Pentagon and White House officials - referred to the president as a “f*cking moron” is that no one present replied: “Hey! Come on now; he is not a moron.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

The Chinese Curse

A strong case can be made that the fate of the planet as well as its very history from the dawn of man rests in the hands of a pair of dim bulb, reality-challenged bully children. If there is a god, he’s got one wacky sense of humor.

BILL