Baby, I Don't Love Your Weigh (borrowed pun)

Having watched HBO’s 4-part documentary “The Weight of The Nation,” which rams home the mega-costly, multi-faceted nightmare that is the healthcare crisis resulting from our nation’s ever increasing obesity rates, allow me to be the first to say: “Love your country? Prove it. Go on a diet.” (Assuming one is needed, of course.)



Doing my best to remain popular, I am,



Yours Truly,



BILL



PS - A quote from conservative columnist George Will during a June 2008 interview with Charlie Rose: “John Kennedy said: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’ One answer we know to that -- fifty years on -- is that one thing you can do for your country is: reserve a spacious portion of your life for which your country is not responsible. Look out for yourself. Save more. Provide for your own retirement. Look out for your health."

My Ouija Board Story

The first time my brother Smedley and I played, we asked the spirits if I would ever be President. Its response was: XL24ZY7875helloSYTZ156.


This also marks the last time we ever played.


BILL

NEWS ITEM: TV Remote Inventor Eugene Polley Dies

“Gene was a kind, devoted family man, trusted and adored by all who knew him,” said eulogist David Brandeis via teleconference.

BILL

"Obama The Bully"

It might surprise you but I watch FOX News now and again. A while back I saw the above words emblazoned onscreen for several minutes during Sean Hannity’s show. Turns out, per his autobiography, when Obama was a child on the playground he shoved a girl. They showed the text, which included words like “child,” “playground,” and “jungle gym.” Now, granted, no year was included, but I’m going to go out on a limb here – per the words cited - and say this probably occurred when Obama was no older than 12.



This “major news” came, of course, in the wake of a Washington Post article on Mitt Romney (born in 1947) holding down a kid in 1965 – do the math if you want but he was old enough to join the Marines - who didn’t fit into Mitt’s ideas of orthodoxy. A “posse” of students threw the boy to the ground and hacked his hair off. “He can’t look like that,” Romney told a close friend at the time. “That’s wrong. Just look at him!”



Yeah, that’s a fair trade. Obama truly is a bully. Thanks for clearing that up, Sean.



BILL



PS – I myself once pushed a kid during recess when I was nine I think back in Michigan. (He and others wouldn’t give me my hat back.) He slid down the snow hill and – no lie – hit his head against the school wall, causing a concussion. Yes, Sean, clearly I’m far, far worse than Obama. So don’t mess with me.

If My Name Were "Pontius"...

… I would never enroll in flight school. Maybe a Pilates class though.

BILL

"Tykes Plot to Foil Gov't Regs"

NEWS ITEM: A photographer for Reuters captured a searing black and white image of three Philadelphia children secretly plotting to foil any and all governmental intrusion into the lives of Americans yesterday.



“It was pure luck,” said Reuters staff photographer John Handstrom. “I was ambling up Martell Avenue and dropped my lens cap. It rolled down into a stairwell and… surprise! There they were! The one in the middle lashed out at me upon spotting my camera, hurriedly shoving his crayon-scribbled plans into the lap of his brother. When I asked what they were doing, that’s when the one on the right spilled the beans.”



“’We hate government!’ they said. And, let me tell you, boy, do they! They went on and on about how the Tea Party has the right idea and how government is nothing more than a ‘massive, unwanted hand clamping personal freedom day after day.’ I could tell by their advanced vocabulary that this was stuff they had been hearing in the home day after day.”



The photograph, having gone viral in the last 24 hours, has captured the imagination of Tea Party faithful, many of whom have praised the spirited initiative of the children.



“These plucky little tykes are setting just the perfect example for other kids their age,” said former Alaska Governor and reality TV star Sarah Palin. “This is not Obama’s America, that’s for sure.”



“Look at them!” exclaimed Texas Governor Rick Perry with a broad smile. “They’re tighter than my fist wrapped around a nickel. Now that’s the type of fire-in-the-belly that could turn this nation around. And, might I add, this is just the type of message I myself was trying to convey when I said during my presidential campaign that I would do all I could to render Washington as inconsequential to Americans' lives as possible.”

BILL

Man, Am I Behind On The News!

I didn’t even know they were building a new World Trade Center. Not sure about the property being purchased by Target though. BILL

Here's Some Moron Ted Nugent

I think the real reason the Secret Service declined to follow up on the pressing of charges against rocker Ted Nugent for threatening the life of the President falls under the heading of Occam’s Razor, i.e. the principle that a simpler explanation tends more often to be correct than a more complex one. What I mean by this is that to actually physically threaten the President - loathsome though the act would be - would require at least some courage. Nugent was simply sized up in little time by the agents as being a man utterly devoid of this quality. BILL PS – A final thought: Ted Nugent having never used drugs or alcohol, a finer advocate for their consumption I can scarcely imagine.

An Open Letter To My Married Friends and Relatives

In light of our President coming out in favor of same-sex marriage, I want to convey to you my painful awareness of not only the peril into which the institution of marriage has been so callously thrust but – by necessary implication – your marriage as well. Please know that I will do whatever I can to help shore up your union during these difficult times. And, should you feel the first faint tugs of your nuptials beginning to fray in the wake of this egregious decision, please know that I am but a phone call away. Call me. I can help. BILL

Lost Verse From John Lennon's "Imagine"

Imagine there a President Dressed up as a Navy Seal Behind a Banner Reading “Mission Accomplished” After Osama Bin Laden was Keeled OK, so the rhyming sucks, but – pretend for a moment – that President George W. Bush did not do his little dress up as soldier thing with the “Mission Accomplished” banner behind him after the fall of Iraq. OK, have you voided that from your mind? Good. Now pretend Obama donned Navy Seal attire after the killing of bin Laden, traversing an aircraft carrier to the cheers of Navy personnel. Care to guess what the reaction would have been from FOX News? I think I can state categorically that there would be no more “O’Reilly Factor” program, for the only Bill O’Reilly footage anyone would be interested in viewing would be that found on YouTube from when his head exploded on national television. BILL

As The Saying Goes: "You Can't Make This Stuff Up"

Was watching Jon Stewart this morning and saw this clip. Found this on Wikipedia: In May 2009, actor Craig T. Nelson appeared on Glenn Beck, where he spoke about his dislike of the current state of government, and highlighted the importance of funding for education and teachers. He also announced he would no longer pay taxes, and went on to state: “I've been on food stamps and welfare, did anybody help me out? No. No,” despite these being government assistance program. Now of course, the punch line is the “Did anyone help me out? No, no!” But let us not give short shrift to his emphasis on “the importance of funding for education and teachers” but not wanting to pay taxes. Per the 11th Commandment (“Thou shalt not speak ill on any fellow Republican” – primaries aside of course), I highly doubt Beck pointed out both these glaring inconsistencies to Nelson. BILL PS – And, as I predicted, no conservatives reprimanded Ted Nugent for threatening the life of the President.

Question For Our Times

Who will be the politician brave enough to say: “You know, if you can’t afford kids, maybe you shouldn’t be having them?” (Probably the one not running for reelection…) BILL

Infallible... by Calvin Klein

NEWS ITEM: One of the most important religious figures in the world, Pope Benedict XVI, has now joined the ranks of Sting and Madonna in receiving his own personal fragrance from an internationally recognized perfume designer.

BILL

Alarming Trend

It seems odd to me that so many and varied thoughts intrude upon my mind whenever I hear a car alarm, least among them however being: “Hey! Someone’s trying to steal that car!”

BILL

A Thought on Being "Prolife"

Advocates of this position would be sooooooooo much easier to respect if they adhered to their position over time. Alas, once the holy speck of goo takes on human form and flies the coop their previous fervor almost always dwindles into… well... fuck 'em. (Universal healthcare, of course, being the prime example.) BILL

I Once Told a Former Girlfriend:

“I think of you every day.” “Ahhhh,” she replied. “That’s so sweet.” “Well… you do owe me money.” BILL