False Lessons in History

“Honest Abe” Lincoln is, in fact, an historical misnomer, truncated as it was from its original “Honest, Abe, sometimes I think you’re completely full of shit.”

BILL

A Bad Year On SO Many Levels

“I don't want life to imitate art, I want life to be art.”

(Writer) Carrie Fisher from her screenplay “Postcards From The Edge.” RIP.

(And then her mother – Debbie Reynolds - lives only long enough to see her only daughter die. Oy….)

BILL

Every Now and Again I Wish There is a Hell

NEWS ITEM: A woman accused of threatening the parent of a boy killed in the Sandy Hook school shooting because she thought the massacre was a hoax staged to erode Second Amendment rights pleaded not guilty and was barred from visiting websites that promote such conspiracy claims.*

EDITORIAL: I smell a Trump voter!

BILL

*Source 12/20/16 Los Angeles Times

What's Good For The Goose is Good for The Gunner

Considering that Roe v. Wade has been the law of the land since 1973, it’s fascinating to watch how some states nibble away at this ruling in an effort to render it… well, “less than the law of the land.” If you were to take a similar approach to guns – putting forth, for example, a law that said “You have every right to buy a gun, but before you do you have to run naked through the neighborhood,” I wonder how gun nuts would react?

BILL

Frankly, I think Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey – if he had a nickel’s worth of business acumen – would have fired the grossly incompetent Uncle Billy long before that fateful Christmas Eve, rendering – in my eyes at least - this alleged 1946 “Christmas classic” nothing short of a colossal failure.

(OK, maybe it’s me.)

BILL

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Badger!

I’ve started using badgers in my magic act as opposed to rabbits. While I find it challenging, audience members tell me it’s quite entertaining.

BILL

I Might Be Changing My Mind on This

I gotta admit, Little Donnie is kind of growing on me. I mean, for the laughs of course. When the President of Pakistan called to congratulate him on his victory, Trump told his caller that Pakistan is “a fantastic country, fantastic place of fantastic people.” (Not to be redundant; I guess “amazing” had a previous engagement.) Also: “Pakistanis are one of the most intelligent people.” (How he came to this conclusion will forever remain a mystery.) Of course none of these “fantastic people” would be allowed to enter the United States under his threat to ban Muslim immigrants. Little Donnie, we hardly know you and already you’re funny! Like Hitler slipping on a banana peel.

BILL

To Kill a Dodo-Bird

NEWS ITEM: “In 2016 schools in Virginia took Harper Lee’s ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ off shelves after a parent complained.”*

EDITORIAL: I smell a Trump voter…

BILL

*Source: 12/18/16 Los Angeles Times

Who said: "Our investment is already paying off?"

If I had to place a bet, I’d say Russian President Vladimir Putin, knowing as he does how the President-Elect skips daily intel briefings but does have for Kanye West and tweeting.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, a climate change denier who bases this denial on his expertise in, well… nothing, and during his presidential run advocated doing away with the Energy Department is now in charge of that Department.

(For the record, Obama’s heads of this department were both, you know, physicists, one of them a Nobel prize winner, the other a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.)

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Karma Apples

Trump Senior Advisor Kellyanne Conway claims she’s getting death threats. Ordinarily, I’d feel worse about this type of thing but perhaps the barely-veiled assassination threat Trump made against his opponent some time back resulted in those “Second Amendment people” inadvertently targeting the wrong blond.

BILL

Bannin' Bannon

Trump strategist Stephen K. Bannon might not be entirely comfortable with the White Supremacists drawn to his socio-political camp, but never forget: They are quite comfortable with him.

BILL

The Hate Soufflé

NEWS ITEM: Reported hate crimes increased by 7% across the US in 2015, according to the FBI’s Uniform Crime report. Incidents targeting Muslims saw a particularly sharp increase, with 257 reported bias crimes last year compared with 154 in 14. The Southern Poverty Law Center reported 701 incidents of harassments since Trump’s win, with most occurring in the first three days after the election. Of those, 206 incidents were anti-immigrant and 51 were anti-Muslim.*

EDITORIAL: Huh! Strange. Wonder what was different about the last year. Weird………….

BILL

*Source: 11/29/16 Los Angeles Times

I'll Have a Slice of Pedoroni

NEWS ITEM: A gunman recently entered a Washington DC pizzeria, intent on rescuing children trapped in an imaginary sexual abuse ring that Internet conspiracy buffs insist was run by Hillary Clinton and a chief aide.

“Until Pizzagate is proven to be false it’ll remain a story,” said Michael Flynn, Jr. son of Donald Trump’s choice as national security advisor and chief of staff to his father.*

EDITORIAL: And people wonder why I call them “rubes.”

BILL

*(Source: 12/6/16 Los Angeles Times)

Let Us Find Common Ground!

In these stormy, contentious days, let us all breathe easy, knowing there is one area where we can find common agreement: Charleston shooter Dylann Roof would – without a doubt – have voted for Donald Trump.

BILL

A Tax Upon Thee

NEWS ITEM: WASHINGTON (AP) — President-elect Donald Trump's charity has admitted that it violated IRS regulations barring it from using its money or assets to benefit Trump, his family, his companies or substantial contributors to the foundation.

EDITORIAL: Seriously, do we need one? (On the other hand, there’s always “Lock him up!”)

BILL

The Wisconsin ballot recount is the equivalent of an NFL coach throwing the red “play review” flag out onto the field with ten seconds left when he’s down 42-14. (In other news, true aficionados of the sport will readily concede that many aspects of life can be clarified using football as a metaphor. I’m serious.)

BILL

How Not to Attract a Woman:

I’ve heard it said that what’s most important to a woman is how a man makes her feel. Sadly, every woman I know feels like smacking the hell out of me.

BILL

Florence Henderson Died

Twenty years ago, my hair was cut by the same person who cut Florence Henderson’s hair. This means I have two degrees of separation from Carol Brady.

This and the time I slept with Jan Brady. Unfortunately, I kept yelling “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” (OK, I lied about the second half of that but the rest is true.)

BILL

Two Thumbs Up!

I’m going to scoot out on a limb here and say – having watched it again – that the funniest running gag prop in movie history MIGHT be Bill Murray’s hair in “Kingpin.” And the funniest SHOT - and of this I'm sure - is the same movie's brazen, varicose vein sendup shot of "The Graduate," only this time with Woody Harrelson vomiting into a bucket after paying his rent by having sex with his cigarette puffing, sexiness-challenged apartment manager.

BILL

Of Jared Foglebergs

Neither sex nor music should ever be forced upon someone, and for that reason I consider subway train-car singer-guitarists rapists of the ears.

BILL

@BillBekkala tweet

NEWS ITEM: “Global warming record crumbles due in part to freak Arctic warmth.” (Damn you, Chinese hoaxers! Damn you! Get 'em, Mr. Trump!)

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spent Eternity in Hell:

Wow! Just found out that in the opening Normandy Invasion scene of “Saving Private Ryan,” where the guy whose arm gets blown off is staggering about in knee-deep water looking around for his missing limb before finally finding it, there was actually a line of dialogue given to the soldier that Steven Spielberg ended up cutting: “Hey, that’s not MY arm.”

BILL

If It's True We're a Christian Nation:

And Christ taught forgiveness, why do we have federal prisons?

BILL

Lettuce Pray

I think it would be nothing short of hysterical if, at Trump’s first White House state dinner, there were no salads on the menu, as there was no one left to pick the lettuce.

BILL

I cried when Tom Hanks lost Wilson the Volleyball in “Cast Away.”

I mean, I bet he could’ve gotten ten bucks for it at least.

BILL

I'll have to put this in my "No Shit, Sherlock" file

NEWS ITEM: During Trump's private meeting with President Barack Obama on Thursday, Trump "seemed surprised" by the scope of the president's responsibilities, according to a report from The Wall Street Journal.

BILL

A Phrase I Never Want to Hear a Politician Use Again:

“But I believe the American people are a lot smarter than that.”

BILL

What could possibly go wrong?

The country has just handed the keys to the nukes to a man who 63% of the populace thinks does not possess the temperament to be president.

BILL

PS: On the plus side, I’m going to have four years of great material to work with (assuming we last that long of course).

"I want my country back!!!!!"

(Sorry, just practicing in case Hillary loses.)

BILL

One Last Time, With Gusto

Trump 2016: Because America needs a spoiled, draft-dodging, Cuban embargo breaking, narcissistic, whining, thin-skinned, penis-comparing, POW mocking, National Enquirer reading, violence-advocating, serial-lying, torture-loving, daughter-lusting, racist, sexist, vagina-invading, assassination-threatening, last birther standing, nuclear bomb use advocating, Vladimir Putin admiring, election result acceptance threatening, Jim Crow 2.0 prompting, tax evading, charity cheating, climate change denying, clueless-re-the-workings-of-government bully to be leader of the free world.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Bully for you, my dear! Bully for you!

Melania Trump announced that, if she were to become first lady, she would speak out against cyber-bullying. Evidently she’s OK with run-of-the-mill bullying.

BILL

Erring as Ralston

So I go to Blue John Canyon to see the actual place where hiker Aron Ralston became entrapped when his hand was caught between a canyon wall and a massive boulder – depicted by James Franco in the film “127 Hours”(the duration of his ordeal) - and believe it or not the bones from his arm are still pinned there! I reached in to touch them but somehow got my ring caught along a crack of one of the bones. Ended up having to call the fire department to extricate me. Fucking embarrassing.

BILL

I found love on a two way street.

And damn near got killed in the head-on collision.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Take One For The Team!

I wish some reporter would take one for the team and, while listening to Donald Trump impugn the women who have accused him of sexual misconduct, state “Mr. Trump, I believe you. That being said would you agree with me that anybody who would do the things of which you’ve been accused is a complete fucking asshole unfit to be president of the United States?” Sure, that reporter might be fired and, yes, it would go viral but wouldn’t it be worth it? And wouldn’t that be taking one for the team?

BILL

I've Seen The Light!!!

I’ve changed my mind. Upon seeing again the videotape of Trump mocking a reporter with a disability, I finally came to my senses. I know what you’re thinking: Good Christ, Bill, what took so long!? This, I said to myself, THIS is the type of person who I would want to tell my kids I proudly voted for as leader of the free world. Because I think it’s important that we demonstrate to our children – they are our future after all - the type of shining qualities we beseech them to emulate. And in the end those qualities are best personified by one Donald Trump. How could I have been wrong for so long?

BILL

OK, Hollywood, You've Got It Down!

For years, I mumbled to myself re the oft cheesy special effects in movies “Hey, Hollywood, let me know when you’ve got them down. Then I’ll come see your movie.” (A bad effect pulls you OUT of the movie.)

Having seen last year’s “The Revenant,” – and more specifically the bear attack scene early on - I guess I have to mothball that gripe. I’ve caught this scene a few times on HBO and it is so incredibly flawless that I have no idea how they pulled it off, especially considering – ready? – for 5 and a half minutes there is not a single cut!

Now I take no delight in watching bear maulings and couldn’t watch it if it were real but we all know Leonardo DiCaprio is fit as a fiddle. Moreover, I’ve looked for flaws each time (“the strings”) and I see none. The camera lens even fogs up when the absolutely massive bear’s head is too close to it.

Perhaps your eye is sharper than mine but I would bet everything I own that if you ask me to assess this scene twenty years from now my impression will be the same: It looks 100% real.

BILL

Pout-a-Thon 201

Per Trump’s refusal last week to promise that he would accept the election results, he is now literally endangering the very foundation of our democracy. Nixon in 60 and Gore in 2000 each had legitimate reasons to contest the election, the former even more considering that the Democratic party in Chicago under Richard Daley was a paradigm of corruption, and historians pretty much agree The Boss swung Illinois Kennedy’s way, thus denying Nixon the presidency. Both, however, conceded. For the good of the country. Patriots as they were. Trump will likely pound his fists in fury. What a child.

BILL

"Trumpidence"

Trump’-i-dence (n) 1) evidence admissible in a court of law by way of “I’m hearing things” or “People are saying.” 2) Total bullshit

BILL

(As Bob once sang) The times they are a’changin’

In the wayward days of my youth, I would often be asked by my dear mother to run across the street for an egg or cup of flour. Nowadays I pound away on my next door neighbor Ziggy’s door at a most obscene hour clamoring for a fix of black tar heroin.

BILL

Mein Trump

For those prone to saying “Hitlary,” if you read history objectively, the one candidate paralleling the actual Adolf Hitler right now is not named Hillary. Pointing fingers of blame at foreigners, invoking shadowy cabals of international bankers colluding with his opponent, desiring to build walls, threatening to jail his opponent, playing to the white crowd, disdaining one religion in particular, more than implying - in increasingly paranoid tones - that a corrupt system is against him, etc. Pretty clear it seems.

BILL

From our “What’s-good-for-the-goose-is-good-for-the-gander” file

If people are going to ask: “Why did it take so long for Donald Trump’s accusers to make their stories known?” one should reply: “Why did it take so long for Trump to apologize?”

BILL

Tar Fools

If you’re going to accuse people of being “Nazi Republicans” it’s best not to use Nazi tactics. Way to go, North Carolina jerks. (That stated, one side’s nominee has advocated violence, the other not.)

BILL

The Hurt Locker Room

Here’s how we KNOW that Trump did all the things of which he’s accused. For starters, the accusers are merely AGREEING with what he has already told us by way of a hot mike. (And by the way, Little Donnie, THIS is the microphone you should be mad at, NOT the one that captured your incessant sniffling.)

And the more important point: Let me assure you, if I had been accused of the same thing and KNEW I had not done it, I would – in addition to denying it – say “And anyone who would behave in such a repulsive, disrespectful manner toward women owes them an apology and is not fit to serve as President.” Alas, we shall NEVER hear these words from Little Donnie and his defenders know this.

BILL

Whenever people say:

“Marriage is work,” this happy bachelor responds: “Maybe that’s why they pay me to work.”

BILL

"I have the best words"

This used to be the funniest Donald Trump quote. Now of course it has been “trumped” by:

“No one respects women more than me.”

BILL

Two Spirits Having Flown

Call me shallow but I’ve always felt that brothers Robin and Maurice – no longer with us – simply had to be jealous of older brother Barry’s undeniably good looks. I mean, my brothers hated me for my Clooney-esque looks and we didn’t even know there was a George Clooney at the time. We only knew his father Nick, host of Maze Craze.

BILL

Wedding Bill Blues

Singer Sara Bareilles keeps turning down my marriage proposals. (Or at least that’s how I’m interpreting the restraining orders.)

BILL

Oblivious to his Own Self-Loathing

Mike Pence doesn't just loathe "professional politicians," he IS one! (And by the way, aren’t they the same "professional politicians” who have kept the nation afloat for 240 years?)

BILL

Genes at Work

NEWS ITEM: As the Republican presidential nominee spiraled down into a week that would be dominated by personal attacks on a former Miss Universe and his seething response to poor reviews of his debate performance, NBC News reported that among those growing increasingly concerned about the trajectory of his campaign were his three adult children — Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric. The kids, NBC’s Katy Tur reported, were starting to worry about the campaign’s adverse impact on the family business.

EDITORIAL: The best part, showing that the kids truly learned at the foot of the master, is that their main concern is the BUSINESS. Not their father. Not his place in history. But profits. Ironically enough: “priceless.”

BILL

Try This Some Time:

Say “Why, that’s as soft as a baby’s behind. And I know what I’m talking about. I’ve touched THOUSANDS of babies’ behinds.”

BILL

Two Frightening Quotes

“I think my strongest asset, maybe by far, is my temperament. I have a winning temperament.” (Monday, 9/26/16)

And from four months (?) earlier: “When I look at myself in the first grade and I look at myself now, I’m basically the same. The temperament is not that different."

Hey! Here’s a thought! Let’s hand this man the keys to the nukes!

BILL

Fun Quote

"I just don't think she has a presidential look, and you need a presidential look. And I don't believe she does have the stamina. To be president of this country you need tremendous stamina. You have so many different things that you have to do, and I don't believe that Hillary has the stamina,” the obese man said.

BILL

Now THAT'S a Range!

The same actor, Rhys Ifans, who in 1999 unforgettably played Hugh Grant’s uncouth lout flat-mate Spike in “Notting Hill” just as believably plays Edward Snowden’s sober-minded, hint-of-danger cloaked NSA superior in “Snowden.”

BILL

Debate Post Mortem

No, Donald Trump. Not paying federal income taxes does not make you “smart.” It makes you a freeloader. And we’re all pleased that the housing crash that devastated so many was something you considered a “good business opportunity,” but so would selling Zyklon B for the Nazi gas chambers during World War II. Perhaps this is why the man who (ahem) “co-wrote” “The Art of The Deal” labels you a sociopath.
BILL

A Great Question:

If America is, as most Americans would strongly assert, the “greatest nation on the face of the Earth,” how can it possibly become great “again” as Donald Trump suggests?

BILL

Birth of a Notion

NEWS ITEM — Donald Trump says he finally admitted President Barack Obama was born in the United States because he wanted to "get on with the campaign." In a brief interview, Trump was asked why, after years as the chief proponent of the falsehood that the president was born outside the country, he decided to announce Friday that was no longer the case.

"Well, I just wanted to get on with the campaign," the GOP nominee responded. "A lot of people were asking me questions.”

EDITORIAL: Was one of those questions “How could you be so f’ing stupid?”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Job Growth

NEWS ITEM: “Americans last year reaped the largest economic gains in nearly a generation as poverty fell, health insurance coverage spread and incomes rose sharply for households on every rung of the economic ladder, ending years of stagnation.”*

EDITORIAL: I have to admit by now I’m simply looking forward again to the right’s non-rebuttal rebuttal, i.e. simply questioning the accuracy of the numbers.

*Source 9/14/16 New York Times

Home is Where The Gun Is

NEWS ITEM: National studies have shown that people with access to guns are three times more likely to commit suicide and twice as likely to be the victim of violence. In addition, women in households with guns are three times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner.*

EDITORIAL: Wellllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

*Source: None at all. People are saying. I’m hearing this. Nahhhhhhh. I’m just messing with you! (9/20/16 Los Angeles Times)

Freedom, oh, freedom, well that's just some people talkin'

The Colin Kaepernick national anthem controversy reminds me of this Dennis Hopper/Jack Nicholson exchange in the film “Easy Rider” from 1969:

BILLY: What the hell is wrong with freedom? That's what it's all about.

GEORGE HANSON: Oh, yeah, that's right. That's what's it's all about, all right. But talkin' about it and bein' it, that's two different things. I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em.

BILL

"Snowed In"

So my buddy calls me and asks me if I want to see this flick. Figuring it was a thriller about the Donner party or something dealing with the merciless brutality of winter, we go and I find out it’s about databases and computer geeks. What a disappointing bummer.

BILL

Elton John Was Right

“Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

But does anyone expect Little Donnie to apologize for having been SO wrong on the Obama birther thing. Not me. Why? Duh! He’s a child!*

BILL

* "When I look at myself in the first grade and I look at myself now, I’m basically the same. The temperament is not that different."

In The Merry Old Land of Dr. Oz

Did Dr. Oz ask Little Donnie re his miraculous recovery from those terribly debilitating heel spurs that kept him from serving in the Vietnam War when he was 100 pounds lighter?

BILL

What's Good For The Goose...

NEWS ITEM: WASHINGTON - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump criticized U.S. policy in Iraq again, but this time he aired his grievances on an unusual platform: a Russian government-funded television network.

EDITORIAL: OK, Republicans, that’s your cue. Go after him with the same vitriolic rage as you did the Dixie Chicks back in 2003. (Oh, wait. I'm sorry. They were women.)

BILL

A Year Wiser Than Kindergarten

I’ve decided to cast my vote for president for a man who recently said "When I look at myself in the first grade and I look at myself now, I’m basically the same. The temperament is not that different." I mean how can you not?

BILL

Funny Mike Pence Quote re Little Donnie:

“I know they’re (voters) going to elect a bold truth teller in 2016.” Here are some of those bold truths:

No one reads the bible more than me.

No one respects women more than me.

I have the best words.

Nobody knows the tax code better than I do. OK. I know it better. I’m the king of the tax code.

I am the least racist person that you’ve ever seen.

I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.

BILL

Billy Buzzkill Alert:

NEWS ITEM: Last week, South Korean officials announced that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had executed one senior official, reportedly for slouching at a political meeting, and banished two others to reeducation camps.

EDITORIAL: And remember, kids, this man has nukes.

BILL

Why You Don't Want Me Doing Your Taxes

So I’m watching the film “Margin Call,” set in a Wall Street investment bank during the early hours of 2007-8 financial crisis. Spotting the iceberg ahead and confident re the grim magnitude of what is about to befall them, they call in the big boss who helicopters in. Surrounded by a roomful of razor sharp analysts, he wants an explanation, prefacing his request with words to the effect of “And explain it to me as if I’m your six year old granddaughter or your cocker spaniel. Remember, I didn’t get to this position by way of smarts.”

The analyst does as directed. I still don’t get it.

BILL

Cap and Traitors

(As was pointed out to me) I wonder how many people who hate NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick for not standing during the national anthem, his silent protest that his country still has quite a ways to go before self-praising its own greatness, are at a rally right now wearing made in China baseball caps emblazoned with a statement outright denying America’s greatness and cheering the man who manufactured them.

BILL

Yes, there is only one word: "Amazing." (Believe me.)

In keeping with the Republican tradition of addressing problems that don’t really exist, Little Donnie unveiled his (logistics and cost bereft) ten-point plan on immigration despite the fact that more Mexican immigrants and their children left the US for Mexico than came FROM it from 2009 to 2014.

BILL

The Times They Are a-Changing

Watching the Olympics, I saw former basketball standout Ann Meyers Drysdale (born 1955) doing the color. Don’t recall what prompted the exchange but her broadcast partner said to her “Maybe that’s why you’re in the Hall of Fame.” With no hesitation she responded “I had a lot of help.” It struck me as something you wouldn’t hear from players today.

BILL

Pop Tarts Go Over Big at Funerals

Oh, sure, you get some odd looks when you first plug in the toaster mere yards from the coffin, but after a while the mood is light, smiles abound and – what can I say – the kids, why they just love them!

BILL

Dear Trump Fan:

What appeals to you about the man? Is it his sexism and the endless demeaning remarks he’s made about women? Is it his racism? The fact that he’s embarrassingly thin-skinned? Is it the way he made penis comparison remarks during a national debate? Is it the fact that he repeatedly dodged the draft during the Vietnam War because of heels spurs, an ailment this 70 year old obese man no longer seems to suffer from? Is it the way he seems to lust after his own daughter? His egomania perhaps? Is it his mindboggling exaggeration or serial lying? What could it be? Is it the fact that he seems to get all his information from the National Enquirer, random websites and “what he’s hearing from others?” Just what exactly? Perhaps it’s his glaringly evident lack of knowledge as to the workings of government. Maybe the way he – a draft dodger – mocked a war hero who spent years in captivity and who was endlessly tortured? What exactly? Is it his penchant for violence against those who protest his appearance and – now that it well appears he is going to lose and lose big – he’s now inviting his followers to serve as unofficial “observers” at polling stations, echoing Jim Crow of days gone by? Perhaps it’s the veiled assassination threats he made against his opponent? Again. Just what is it about him? Is it the way he “tells it like it is” but when he lets fly another asinine comment, he backtracks by saying he was merely being sarcastic, oblivious to this glaring contradiction? Is it how he brags he would do “way worse than water-boarding?” Just what exactly? Perhaps it’s the way he touts his ability to create jobs, said assertion flying in the face of his numerous corporate bankruptcies? What? Please, tell me. Is it the way he openly insults the very people he would have to work with if he ever became president, virtually ensuring further governmental gridlock? Is that it? Is it his promise to release his tax returns then revoking that very promise? Please enlighten me.

BILL

God I'm an Idiot

Watching the Olympics, I just learned the breaststroke is a swimming style. I thought it was a misdemeanor.

BILL

When The Polls of November Come Crashing

Given the choice between Donald Trump or a retarded child for president, I would choose the latter, for one is an immature novice as to the workings of government who views everything through the prism of how it affects him personally, the other a retarded child.

BILL

My "Stand By Me" Thought

I think the writers – either King and/or screenwriters – were making fun of studio notes when they had chubby Verno question how fictional Lard Ass got into the pie eating contest that ended in a full-on barf-o-rama.

BILL

Beefeater Grim

I would never enter a hotdog eating contest for fear of throwing up before a crowd and having it go viral. Plus I fucking HATE hotdogs!

BILL

I'm So Stupid

I just found out Foggy Bottom was a neighborhood of Washington DC and home of the State Department. I always thought it was a crass joke about farts.

BILL

A Clown Wrapped in C-4 Explosives & Ball Bearings

The dubious claims that Donald Trump was “only joking” re his veiled Second Amendment threat against Hillary Clinton would be sooooooooo much more believable were it not for the frequent number of times Trump advocated violence at his campaign rallies. Alas, such is not the case, is it, Little Donnie?

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Small-Headed Belief

NEWS ITEM: “Florida Republican Governor Rick Scott accused the federal government of lagging in providing assistance to combat the spread of the Zika virus in a Miami-area neighborhood, the site of the first U.S. transmission of the virus.”

EDITORIAL: Ah, c’mon, Rick. As a fervent climate change denier, you know as well as anyone that the scientists studying this outbreak are nothing more than “alarmists.” So relax, take it easy and plop yourself down in a fetid pool of mosquito-infested swamp water and show them the folly of their ways.

BILL

I Detest Polticial Correctness

In fact, I believe in being incorrect as often as possible, whether we’re talking politics or even one’s profession, the latter viewpoint which did not sit well with management during my days as an air traffic controller.

BILL

You Know What I Find Sad?

That there simply has to be someone out there named Ronald McDonald.

BILL

Political Discourse 2016 - A Comparative Study

“I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves, and I watch my daughters, two beautiful and intelligent black young women, playing with their dogs on the White House lawn.” (First Lady Michelle Obama)

“We don’t need somebody who goes home and takes naps. We don’t need naps. No naps for Trump! No naps.” (Republican Nominee for President Donald Trump)

BILL

Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires

(And only racists vote for racists.)

BILL

Going To The Mattresses

Man, I tell you if Little Donnie is elected, I’m going to seriously be worried about the future of this country. I might well stuff all my money into my mattress. (Oh, wait, I don’t own a mattress.)

BILL

Dump the Chump Trump

I still haven’t made up my mind for President.

Why not?

Well, I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I have really low standards.

How low?

Really low.

Have you considered Donald Trump?

Why Trump?

For one, he’s a bully, interrupting others when he doesn’t like their questions, advocating violence at some of his events, including punching protesters in the face, longing for the days when they could be taken out on stretchers, etc. And, as sort of a bonus, he’s a coward as well, having had multiple deferments during the Vietnam War for heel spurs, all of which in his old age he seems to have miraculously recovered from. And – again sort of the bully/coward bonus – he now plays the bad ass, threatening “way worse than water boarding” and unleashing his own brand of tough guy brutality against our enemies, as if the war on terror these last fifteen years hasn’t existed. So what do you say? Does Trump sound like the man for you?

Sort of, but like I said, my standards are really, REALLY low.

How about this? He’s spoiled. Born into wealth and having inherited vast sums of money from his father, the good fortune of which allowed him to become a real estate tycoon. He has never had to serve or sacrifice for his country in any way yet has the audacity to say that having attended a military academy as a child makes him the equivalent of a soldier. To this day he resides and travels in luxury and has never faced the daily financial struggles of which a great many Americans are roundly familiar. Hardship as both concept and reality is utterly foreign to him yet he pawns himself off as being in touch with the average Joe.

That’s pathetic.

Duh!!

But let’s get down to brass tacks here. Is he a liar?

Is he a liar?! Is the Pope Catholic? (I can say that; I’m a former altar boy.) He’s a veritable fountain of lies! He’s a serial liar whose relationship with the truth goes well beyond the word “estranged.”

But all politicians lie to some extent, right? I mean nature of the beast and all.

Of course they do. Hell, even I chuckled when Hillary said that she had been under sniper fire once. Comes with the territory. But Trump? He’s in a league all his own. He’s on a PLANET all his own. Check out these gems! “No one reads the bible more than me.” (But don’t ask him what his favorite biblical passage is though because he does not want to get into specifics.) “No one respects women more than me.” “I am the least racist person that you’ve ever seen.” He even lies when he’s been CAUGHT in a lie, like when he denied being his own publicist back in the eighties when we have him on audio tape promoting himself while posing as another individual.

Now THAT’S what I call lying!

I know! But there’s more. How about this? The man who spent 18 months with him thirty years ago in order to co-write – read “wrote” – “The Art of The Deal” before Trump got wise and began protecting himself within a cocoon of nondisclosure agreements says he fits the classic definition of a sociopath. How’s THAT for low, my friend? A SOCIOPATH! I mean, Trump is most widely known for a reality TV show where he told people “You’re fired!” How cold does a person have to be to take delight in that and offer it up as entertainment? That same writer – deeming it his patriotic duty to warn America of the perils of a Trump presidency – has also said that, as far as he knew, Trump has never read a book in his adult life, unless of course the book was about him. So as far as Trump having a well-rounded, educated world viewpoint goes, his basically ends at the New York skyline.

OK. We’re getting there. We’re getting there. Got anything else?

Have I got anything else!? I’m just getting warmed up! How about the fact that Trump is a proven sexist, having made countless demeaning remarks about women, tweeting these childish, vile comments for all the world to see. Stuff like “blood coming out of her wherever” regarding FOX News “bimbo” Megyn Kelly, labeling women “dogs”, “slobs” and “pigs”, and calling Sen. Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” How about trading in two of his wives for younger models, the most recent – shock of shocks - being a model? And the creepily inappropriate comments he has made about his daughter Ivanka. Are we getting there?

Sort of, but listen, I’m not sure we’re really communicating, you and I. You see, I have really, REALLY low standards.

How about Trump’s peerless egomania? And I’m not just talking putting his name on his properties. You don’t have to be Freud to discern that this sheds mega-light on just how insecure this man is deep inside. Just listen to these quotes. “I have the best words.” “Nobody knows the tax code better than I do. I’m the king of the tax code.” “I will be so good at the military, your head will spin.” “I consult myself on foreign policy.” “I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.”

Wow! He said all those?

Word-for-word. But wait, there’s more! He says “I and I alone can fix it” when it comes to the problems of the day. Now does that sound like presidential material or the delusions of a dictator?

Well, now we’re getting somewhere. What else you got?

Could I interest you in some good old-fashioned racism?

Bet your ass you could! Because I’m the type of person who thinks every president should be a racist! Especially in this multicultural global village in which we live. Have at it, buddy!

How about the slogan “Make America Great Again” on his Made in China caps, coded throwback to a time when – and let’s be frank here – things were only great for white males?

I hear ya. I hear ya. But that feels a little thin to me. I think you’re stretching.

OK. Does referring to the vast, VAST majority of Mexican illegal immigrants as “rapists and drug dealers” fit the bill?

He said that?!

Yes, he did, amigo.

What a dick!

You got that right. And at one rally he pointed to a black man and said “Look at my African-American over here!” Like the man was his property. And it’s well documented that Trump apartments discriminated against blacks in the past.

I get it. He’s shrewd enough not to say “The N Word” but nevertheless sends out verbal cues to racist whites that he’s “one of them.”

Exactly! And how about this for a true warning sign of someone who would be a truly bottom-feeder president? Every presidential candidate in the modern era has released his tax statement but Trump refuses, contradicting his earlier promise to do so. Wonder why?

Hell no! I can imagine a whole host of reasons why. This guy is beginning to show some promise. Got anything else?

What are you, nuts? Of course I do! Now this I know you’re going to love. He is – and this is beyond dispute – as thin-skinned an individual as you’re likely ever to meet. He publically insults, demeans, lies about and criticizes people who voice concerns about him occupying the Oval Office. And ask yourself this: Do you want a thin-skinned hothead having access to the world’s largest military in the nuclear age? I’ll say it again: in the nuclear age!

You’re damn right I do! Because I couldn’t care less about the state of the world!

So do we have a deal here or not? I mean, what do I have to do to get you to vote for Donald Trump?

Well, there’s just one thing.

What’s that ?

I’m still not certain you comprehend just HOW LOW my standards are. I mean, mine are sick, dementedly low standards!

OK, I see what you’re saying. I’m sensing a little more coaxing is needed.

I’d say a LOT more.

How about this? At one rally, he made fun of someone with a physical disability, ridiculing them in front of a crowd. Is that low enough for you?

Now THAT’S what I call low. And I DO have low standards!

Try this on for size. He does not consider Sen. John McCain – a man who had been repeatedly tortured by his captors during the Vietnam War – to be a war hero simply because McCain WAS CAPTURED!!

And this Trump fella skipped out on the Vietnam War you said?

Yes! Can you believe it? And of course now he plays the bad ass.

That takes some nerve! I mean, that’s being a total, unfeeling, compassionless dickhead!

Yes! You’re finally getting it! So will you vote for Trump or not?

Well, I’m getting there. I’m getting there. What else you got?

How about this? Trump brags of his businessman’s savvy yet has filed for bankruptcies numerous times, each time cashing out while leaving others financially high and dry, often breaking contractual deals he had with them, sometimes even AFTER services were rendered and letting his lawyers clean up the mess. Remember his autobiography writer who called him a sociopath? Seeing a pattern here?

Wow! I’m starting to think this guy would be the worst president EVER! And the President of the United States is essentially leader of the free world. This sounds like my kind of guy!

Yes!! You’re finally getting it! I’m sure he meets your low standards! Now, do we have a deal or don’t we?

OK. I’ll make YOU a deal. If you can name just ONE MORE negative quality about him, I’ll vote for the man.

My friend, I have it. Donald Trump is clueless about government in general, going so far as to say he would terminate (“You’re fired!”) government officials, oblivious not only to the fact that government is NOT a business but that the president’s only power resides in the Executive branch, having no power whatsoever over the other two branches of government: Congress and the Judiciary. This system of checks and balances was put in place by our founding fathers for the very purpose of ensuring that no one of the three branches exercises undue leverage over the other two. That is to say, Trump can’t touch Congress or the Judiciary! And this powerlessness – for lack of a better word - has often been the bane of every president who has sat in the Oval Office, i.e. the vexing reality that, like them or loathe them, he has to work with them! Trump hasn’t the foggiest notion of this. Making matters worse, his penchant for publically insulting and humiliating those with whom he would need to cooperate in order to get ANYTHING done renders it near impossible for a Trump administration to accomplish anything positive whatsoever, virtually ensuring that the only thing destined to crawl from the swamp of a Trump presidency would be an enduring legacy of bitterness, cynicism and, a dreaded, three-headed beast that could well destroy the sociopolitical fabric of a country many once considered to be the greatest on the face of the earth!

Good Christ! Point me to the nearest polling place. This Trump fella has got my vote!

William P. Bekkala
(7/28-29/2016)

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Diss Ability

I would never vote for a person who spent a large portion of her life fighting for the rights of people with disabilities. I’m going to vote for a person who mocked a person with a disability in front of a crowd. That is character, my friends. And that’s why I’m voting for Little Donnie.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

God, I Love Irony

Little Donnie called Obama “the most ignorant president in our history” despite his having graduated first in his class at Harvard Law, but doesn’t know the difference between the word “jibe” – which Obama recently used – and “jive.”

BILL

Michelle Obama's Speech

Who was not moved when, during the First Lady’s speech Monday night, she referenced the fact that the White House was built by slaves and now she can see her two daughters playing out on the lawn with their dogs? Tears came to my eyes as I realized that we the taxpayers will have to pay for that dog-clawed lawn repair.

BILL

Sarah Silverman Knocks It Out of The Park at DNC

Funny, playful, smart, clever, principled and, yes, sexy. All that I am but not more!

BILL

Guess This Makes Me High Maintenance

If I was there when Jesus made loaves and fishes I would have asked for tartar sauce and a wedge of lemon. (On the side.)

BILL

Bloody Telling

It’s so fun to watch DNA expert Barry Scheck hem, haw, interrupt himself repeatedly and fumble along in trying to explain himself when asked point blank if police planted blood evidence to frame O.J. Simpson in the new documentary “O.J.: Made in America.”

BILL

(NRA) Not Really Applicable

NEWS ITEM: “In the chaos following the Dallas sniper attack, which killed five police officers, the presence of numerous armed individuals running through the streets made it difficult for officers to distinguish between suspects and marchers, feeding the misconception that there were multiple assailants at large.”

EDITORIAL: So much for the NRA’s theory that the only person who can stop a bad person with a gun is a good person with a gun.

BILL

Keeping Things in Perspective

Though I doubt she was the culprit, Melania Trump’s pilfered convention speech still does not (ahem) “trump” current VP Joe Biden doing the same thing when he ran for President in 1988, plagiarizing portions of a speech by British Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock.

BILL

Finally getting around to watching “Trainwreck" this week

Or I call it: The Republican National Convention.

BILL

Nice Truck!

In the wake of the tragedy in Nice, France, some sarcastically suggest that trucks should be banned. (Heh-heh.)

This false analogy is flushed out twofold. One, trucks are needed. Assault rifles are not. Two, trucks are intended to haul goods. Assault rifles are intended to kill as many people as possible in as little time as possible.

Toot-toot! School bus is leaving.

BILL

Not Nice

While French authorities have yet to identify a possible motive for the Nice attack, I’m going with “something aligned with deeply held religious beliefs.” Any takers?

BILL

Mentally Unbalanced Ticket

NEWS ITEM: One of the top contenders to serve as vice president in a potential Donald Trump White House believes that radical Islamists are capable of conquering the continental United States. “I’m totally convinced that, without a proper sense of urgency, we will be eventually defeated, dominated, and very likely destroyed” by Islamic militants, retired Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn writes in his new book, The Field of Fight, which was released Tuesday. “There’s no doubt,” he adds, “that they are dead set on taking us over and drinking our blood.”

EDITORIAL: Two, two, two nuts in one.

BILL

Bully For Him

Those who torture and kill bulls for kicks need a good old fashioned goring. I only hope the horns plunged into the thigh and chest of the late Victor Barrio hurt as much or more as the spears that were sadistically shoved into the noble beast prior to the “fight” in order to weaken him. But be of good cheer! Young Victor very likely departed the ring - as well as this world - possessing a higher degree of empathy than he did upon entering it.

BILL

The Kardashian Effect

I have a novel theory as to why there are more mass shootings. I call it The Kardashian Effect, i.e. the “elevation” of individuals lacking the talent or accomplishment that IN THE PAST would have “legitimately” vaulted one above the masses. The unbalanced, however – ALWAYS blaming others for their lot – look around, see folks like Kim K reaping the monetary and celebrity benefits that have come her way as a result of her, her… well, who the hell knows. This realization that life has not smiled down onto a no talent like Mr. Unbalanced as it so CLEARLY has – and with such brazen grandeur - to a no talent like Kim K (and others like her) only adds fuel to his already raging fire and it’s off to the soon-to-be-famous-site-of-a-mass-shooting! (Just a theory re a PARTIAL motive.)

BILL

The Boomerang Effect

President Obama’s favorability rating is hovering around 57% these days, ascending when – to be perfectly honest – I can’t think of anything substantial he has done of late that would warrant this rise. What’s different? The childishly vulgar bully antics of Little Donnie, all of which make Obama look like Socrates by comparison.

Where am I headed with this? The historic precedent of the sitting president’s favorability rating always comes into play and, if high, works in favor of the candidate of his party. If low, to that person’s detriment.

Hillary Clinton is in the same party.

And now where am I headed? Her opponent will have only himself to blame when he loses. (And he will lose big.) So if you need someone to blame, Little Donnie, look for a mirror. I’m sure it will not be the first time.

BILL

In Praise of Michael Cimino

Director Michael Cimino died Saturday. While he is remembered for both his studio-busting western epic Heaven’s Gate (1980) as he is for the 1978 Oscar winning “The Deer Hunter,” I shall cite the latter. Having seen “The Deer Hunter” 16 times I believe, it is my all-time favorite film, one that tells the 1968 (?) tale of three steel workers who go off – with all due bravado - to Vietnam, only to return in varying states of wreckage. The fallout reaches those who remained in their hometown as well, the fictional Clairton, PA. If you’ve never seen it – and I won’t plot spoil – it contains a nearly unbearable to watch mid-section highlighted by – in my opinion – the single greatest sustained portrayal of sheer terror ever committed to film. Aside from the film working on nearly every level, if there is a single abiding characteristic by which it can be praised it is its ending, one that reinforces the ever-justifiable notion that no matter how scarred these people are by war, they still love their country. Again, not to plot spoil, but I heard the director of photography, Vilmos Zsigmond, say that, while shooting the film’s ending almost four decades ago, he asked Cimino: “Are you going to get away with this?” Cimino responded: “Not only will I get away with it, but people will remember this ending for the rest of their life.” I know I do.

Rest in peace, Michael Cimino.

BILL

Little Donnie singing The Turtles’ 1967 hit “Happy Together.”

“I can’t see me loving nobody but me for all my life.”

BILL

My Two Favorite George Will Quotes

“John Kennedy said: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’ One answer we know to that -- fifty years on -- is that one thing you can do for your country is: reserve a spacious portion of your life for which your country is not responsible. Look out for yourself. Save more. Provide for your own retirement. Look out for your health."

(June 2008 interview with Charlie Rose)


“This is not my party.”

(June 2016 on why he is departing the Republican party, that is to say the ascension of Little Donnie)

Meatless Fridays

Was talking to my office pal Krishna and he said I should go to Nude Deli. I’m like, “Dude, the last thing I want to see is some fat guy sucking down a pastrami.” God, he’s stupid.

BILL

Donnie Dumb Lately, The New Kid in Town

(First some background) Republican U.S. Senator John McCain served his country admirably during the Vietnam war, had both arms and a leg broken upon ejecting from his aircraft, nearly drowned upon landing, had his shoulder crushed by his captors, was refused medical treatment, was held as a prisoner of war in solitary confinement for two years, lost fifty pounds, was subjected to rope bindings and repeated beatings every two hours, while at the same time was suffering from dysentery, and to this day is unable to lift his arms properly. At one point, he turned down an offer of freedom and would only accept repatriation if every man taken in before him was released as well. Declining met with more torture.

This is the man Little Donnie mocked as NOT being a war hero for having been “captured” and it BLOWS MY MIND that any self-respecting patriot would even remotely consider such a person – who feels his military school education as a CHILD renders him a legitimate soldier’s equal – as commander-in-chief. If the aforementioned does not make you think this, yes, repeated draft dodger is not worthy of the Oval Office, what would?

BILL

Euuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!

To be honest I’m not even exactly sure what the European Union is. My guess would be it’s a union of Europeans.

BILL

Hey, Kids, Let's Time Travel!

Why was there no witch hunt for President Reagan when 241 Marines were killed in Lebanon in 1983 while 4 dead in Benghazi led – ahem – a particular party to go head hunting for Hillary?

I’ll answer the question: Because the more rational among us understand that there are people in this world who wish us harm and we “get it” that - sadly - from time to time, they inflict a few dire blows. You know, like 9/11. (Whose watch did that happen on again? Oh, that’s right, the guy who “kept us safe.” Not that I called for his head, nor Reagan’s in 83.) Also, alas, a perfect world continues to stubbornly elude us.

BILL

Sorry Moments in Film Dumb

I realize this sounds ridiculously superficial but I went to see “The Shallows” this weekend and part of the reason I went is because I said to myself “Even if it sucks, I at least can look at Blake Lively in a bikini for 90 minutes.”

BILL

Flowin’ flowin’ flowin’. Keep that river flowin’.

“I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.” (Little Donnie)

BILL

Little Donnie's Greatest Hits

No one reads the bible more than me.

No one respects women more than me.

I have the best words.

Nobody knows the tax code better than I do. OK. I know it better. I’m the king of the tax code.

I will be so good at the military, your head will spin.

I don't want to have guns in classrooms, although in some cases teachers should have guns in classrooms, frankly.

I consult myself on foreign policy.

If we don’t get tough we’re not going to have our country anymore. There will be nothing- absolutely nothing – left.

I am the least racist person that you’ve ever seen.

(Jeez, when I read these I can start to see why people want this man to be leader of the free world…)

BILL

Shooting Down a Theory

The argument that gun control will never be entirely water tight should not be used unless those making it are willing to also state that “Since red traffic lights and stop signs are sometimes run by scofflaws, we should do away with them entirely.”

BILL

They just keep flowing like a river of stupdity.

“If we don’t get tough we’re not going to have our country anymore. There will be nothing - absolutely nothing – left.” (Little Donnie)

BILL

Fueling An Argument

Seemingly forgotten amidst his armada of stupid comments, let us not forget that Little Donnie has stated we should simply “take” the oil of other countries. I hope that anyone cheering this sentiment at least possesses the intellectual integrity not to take umbrage should his or her child ever be raped, i.e. “taken.” It is important that one’s principles align.

BILL

Shooting Down Such Folly

I can’t help but shake my head in astonishment at talk of prayers in the wake of Sunday’s Orlando shooting, it being abundantly clear that the god to whom one would pray has quite clearly already ruled on the matter and, purportedly omniscient and all powerful, merely sat back to watch young Omar have his day in the sun.

BILL

Hey! Orlando shooter Omar Mateen was a racist, too!

Just like Little Donnie. Cool!

BILL

The Sunk Cost Fallacy

“Reasoning that further investment is warranted on the fact that the resources already invested will be lost otherwise, not taking into consideration the overall losses involved in the further investment.”

Now apply this to whatever religion was indoctrinated into your brain at age six – not by your choice of course - before you were capable of thinking for yourself. Think of the decades you’ve invested in this belief system, fueled by habitual inertia as much as anything, all the while shunting aside the reasoning part of your mind that is screaming as loud as it can: “You believe in virgin births, people walking on water, a talking snake and people rising from the dead!!!”

BILL

PS: Yes, timed in the wake of a religiously-fueled massacre, per the shooter’s 911 call before he commenced with the festivities.

A New Low?

NEWS ITEM: A "reap what you sow" tweet from Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick that went out hours after approximately 50 people were killed at a Florida LGBT nightclub has been deleted amid backlash.

EDITORIAL: Care to guess his political party? Huh? Wanna guess?

BILL

PS: And a big shout out to the NRA for making it sooooo easy for the shooter to be… well, a “shooter.”

Crime and Punishment?

Just think how relieved Stanford rapist Brock Turner is, knowing he is being held in protective custody for the duration of his unjustly short sentence and thus immune from the horrifying prospect of rape, yet all the while knowing he inflicted the same upon a defenseless other.

BILL

Let's Admit It:

There’s no difference in laundry soaps. I mean, have you EVER walked up to someone and gone: “Wow! Your shirts are really clean!!”

BILL

The Ongoing Demise of Personal Responsibility

NEWS ITEM: The father of an ex-Stanford University swimmer who was sentenced to six months in jail for sexually assaulting an unconscious woman believes his son should have received probation because the 20-year-old has already suffered for “20 minutes of action.”

EDITORIAL: Taking his position to its logical extreme, infamy should not be accorded to Lee Harvey Oswald for his mere seven second deed.

BILL

Infant's Side

The United States has the worst record among advanced nations on mandatory paid maternity leave and, in most American cities, child care costs now exceed a family’s rent.*

Welllllllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL


*Source: 5/25/16 Los Angeles Times

Trump 2016:

Because America needs a spoiled, draft-dodging, thin-skinned, penis-comparing, POW mocking, National Enquirer reading, violence-advocating, serial-lying, torture-loving, daughter-lusting, racist, sexist, clueless-re-the-workings-of-government bully to be leader of the free world.

And if you think this overloaded, try it with Hillary. I’ll comp you two. “Entitled-feeling” and “anecdote-bending.” That’s about all I got.

BILL

Little Donnie Strikes Again!

“Hillary Clinton has to go to jail. She is guilty as hell,” Donald Trump said yesterday. (So much for the Constitution, I say.)

But that’s not the funniest part. The funniest part is he said that if elected he would investigate whether she broke the law by using a private email server for official business while secretary of state. (Dude, this already has been going on for, what, forever? Again, he’s so clueless.)

But wait, there’s more! Actually, this might be the funniest part. “If I win,” he told the crowd here, he would ask his attorney general to “take a very good look at it from a fair standpoint.” (Good luck with that legal rabbit hole.)

The guy’s a laugh a day. Like a clown wrapped in C4 explosives. But the rubes love him.

BILL

But The Rubes Love Him

Little Donnie says if Hillary Clinton supports gun restrictions then she shouldn't be protected by armed Secret Service agents. Only an idiot would equate “some gun restrictions” with the complete lack of protection for the possible next leader of the free world.

BILL

Let's Change the Climate of Reporting Quality

When will a reporter ask Little Donnie “What credentials do you have as a real estate tycoon that you feel - pun intended – ‘trump’ those of the vast, vast , VAST majority of climate scientists with regards to climate change? Or to put it another way: why should we believe you on this topic?”

BILL

The Voter Fraud Fraud

One expert on voter fraud found 31 cases out of more than a billion ballots in the US from 2000-2014, per a recent article in the Los Angeles Times.

Wow! I can certainly understand the fervent desire of some to make sure photo ID’s – not all are accepted by the way - are shown at voter precincts. Thirty-one out of more than one billion could certainly swing an election! (Of course, if some 92 year old veteran who stormed the beaches of Normandy living in a nursing home who lost his photo ID years ago can’t come up with one, well, tough luck, Captain. Please roll your wheelchair out of the precinct; you’re blocking the aisle.)

Thank you, FOX News!

BILL

Chain of Terror

Whenever a Taliban or ISIS leader is taken out I always go “Yayyyyyy! There will never be another leader of such organizations!”

BILL

More from “Dumb Dynasty” patriarch Phil Rubertson:

“When man stops believing in God, he’ll believe in anything.”

Actually, Phil, it’s the other way around. For example, you believe in virgin births, people rising from the dead, people walking on water and talking snakes. I don’t.

Hope I’ve been of some help.

BILL

I’ve only cried over one movie.

It was called “The Bottom of The Peanut Brittle Box.”

BILL

Fox and The Hannity House

So as I watched Sean Hannity lob softballs Donald Trump’s way the other night, my head darn near exploded when – again – Trump said “No one respects women more than me.” Now a good reporter – hell, ANY reporter - would have asked “How could you possibly know this?” OK, I get it, figure of speech. Then at LEAST Hannity should have said “Actually, I’m going to scoot out on a limb here and suggest that since you repeatedly labeled one of my very smart peers a ‘bimbo’ – among other tasteless things - for having asked you a tough but fair question and since you literally own a beauty pageant that objectifies women – perhaps – there actually DO exist people in this world who respect women more than you.”

BILL

Dear Megyn Kelly:

Barbara Walters called. She wants her persona back.

BILL

I don't drink beer often, but when I do...

... I drink whatever’s on sale.

BILL

"Nobody respects women more than me." (Donald Trump, 5/9/16)

Hahahahahahahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!

BILL

”Nobody reads the Bible more than me.”

The above a word for word Donald Trump quote.

Evidently that part about it being easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to inherit the kingdom of heaven has yet to sink in.

As so many are prone to utter: Just sayin.’

BILL

Coming in at Number Two With a Bullet

George Zimmerman is now ranked right behind OJ Simpson for highest ranking of “blood money,” trying as he is to auction off the gun used to kill Trayvon Martin. (Simpson’s “If I Did It” – where the former gridiron great theorized how he MIGHT have gone about slicing off the head of the mother of his children - still sets the gold standard.) And now, back to the countdown.

BILL

Duck Donald!

And remember kids, Donald Trump might claim to be uncomfortable with his white separatist delegate William Johnson, but that delegate is awful comfortable with him.

BILL

I’m such an idiot

I just found out hedge funds have nothing to do with gardening.

BILL

An Open Email to Sen. Ted Cruz's Children

Dear Kids: Next time Daddy says “I’m going to spank you for saying something that is not true,”* remind him that he’s a politician.

I’m here to help.

BILL

*He has publically stated this.

My Life Must Be Good

My greatest fear in life is that someone at work will see me reaching inside my desk drawer and into my box of peanut brittle and ask for some.

BILL

It's Not How He Said It, It's What He Said

Listening to the Commodores 1979 hit “Sail On” recently, I must say I think it’s the most polite “Go Fuck Yourself” song ever written.

BILL

I'm sorry but church shootings - yes, we had another - always crack me up.

HUSBAND: C’mon, honey, we’re running late. We can’t be late for mass.

WIFE: (from bathroom) I know, but Justin scraped his knee. I’m putting on a band aid.

HUSBAND: Wasn’t he dressed?

WIFE: He was getting dressed. He fell.

HUSBAND: Ugh. Gotta hustle. I’ll be in the car.

Husband runs outside. Gets in car. Starts it up. Pulls out of garage and idles the car in the driveway. Wife and little Justin scramble out of the house. Get into the car.

HUSBAND: Got everything?

WIFE: I think so.

HUSBAND: Cell phone?

WIFE: Check.

HUSBAND: Prayer book?

WIFE: Check.

HUSBAND: Check for the collection plate.

WIFE: Check.

HUSBAND: Those little mints I love.

WIFE: In my pocket.

HUSBAND: That’s why I married you.

Smiling, Husband puts the car into reverse and starts to back out.

WIFE: Wait! Stop!

HUSBAND: What now?

WIFE: I forgot the gun.

BILL

An Injustice of Biblical Proportions

Imagine if a person could be found guilty of murder if an excerpt from a book stated that that person committed the crime and such “evidence” was all that was needed to convict. Would that be crazy or what?!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Of Political Correctness

Whenever people bemoan political correctness, consider replying: “Why would you ever want to be incorrect? Jeez, I’m glad you’re not an air traffic controller.”

BILL

So THIS is what he has in mind for “being more presidential.”

NEWS ITEM: Trump went on to criticize Republican rival Senator Ted Cruz for not embracing the waterboarding of terrorism suspects.

“He’s actually a very weak person, so he didn’t like it,” Trump said. “I’d go many steps further than waterboarding - many, many steps further.”

His torture comments generated another huge burst of cheers.*

EDITORIAL: Really, is one needed?

*Source 4/29/16 Los Angeles Times re Donald Trump’s Costa Mesa rally

Birds of Same Feather

Donald Trump now has former Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight campaigning for him. Well, bully for him.

BILL

A Life Lesson I Have Learned:

I have found unending peace in these solemn words written so very long ago: “Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die. Till you die.”

BILL

Play That Funky Race Card, White Girl

NEWS ITEM: Remember Melissa Click, the University of Missouri professor who lost her job after assaulting a student on camera and asking for some “muscle” to help get rid of him? According to Click, her dismissal from Mizzou wasn’t because she attacked a student in a pathetic bid to shut down free speech. Nope. Click says she was fired for being white. In an interview with The Chronicle of Higher Education, Melissa Click speaks out about being fired from the University of Missouri after threatening a student reporter who was filming a campus protest she was participating in. ‘This is all about racial politics,” she said. “I’m a white lady. I’m an easy target.”

EDITORIAL: No, dear, they fired you – as well they should have – for needlessly advocating violence against a student. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean “violence.” I meant “muscle.”

BILL

Feel The Burn (a stolen STD pun I'll admit)

The way things are going, I figure the day is not far off when a “religious freedom advocate” fireman refuses to put out a gay person’s house fire.

BILL

The Myth of "American Exceptionalism"

Will someone please explain to me what “American exceptionalism” is? (Aside from delusional thinking, I mean.) Hey, I love my country too but we’re so extraordinarily average in so many respects that I think it nothing short of laughable to assert otherwise. This bloated sense of self-importance is half our problem, the other half of course being Obama not always wearing his flag pin.

BILL

Jackson Jive

With the U.S. Treasury’s decision to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with Harriet Tubman, some are up in arms.

While Ms. Tubman was a slave who freed herself then dedicated her life to freeing other slaves, Andrew Jackson’s policies as President led to the deaths of countless American Indians. Or as I call them “Americans.”

Let’s see. A slave who freed herself and dedicated her life to the extremely dangerous practice of freeing other slaves in a time of rabid racism or a guy who ordered the deaths of countless Americans.

Man, this is a tough one!

BILL

Try This Sometime:

When using rubber cement at work, tell someone “Hey, this glue smells funny. Would you mind sniffing it for a few seconds?”

BILL

Not The Angel Clarence, The Other One

As I watched “Confirmation,” the HBO film on the 1991 Senate hearings over whether Clarence Thomas should be named an associate justice on the Supreme Court in the wake of Law Professor Anita Hill’s charges of sexual harassment, I was reminded once again how Professor Hill both volunteered to take and passed a lie detector test and how two things came to pass, neither of which surprised me: one, Clarence Thomas would not take a lie detector test and two, denials aside, he never once said words to the effect of: “Anyone conducting himself in the manner of which I have been accused is not fit to serve on the Supreme Court let alone be chairman of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.”

As a bonus, it was especially delicious to see a man who in years since has criticized affirmative action and joined the court majority in essentially saying that racism no longer exists having the gumption to play the race card when it served his purposes, i.e. stating that the hearings were nothing more than a “high tech lynching,” proclaiming this with the full knowledge that his accuser, like himself, was black. Nicely played, sir. Nicely played.

BILL

I Love Irony

Saw a picture in the Times of a guy wearing a T-shirt reading: “Trump 2016 - Fire The Idiots.” My fallback line as always is: How hard do you think any member of either of the other two branches of government is going to laugh when Trump tries to fire them?”

BILL

Vasili Arkhipov

If you ever want to see just how close we came to the end of the world as we know it during the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, look up information on this Russian Navy officer who personally prevented nuclear war. It’s even closer than you’ve probably heard.

BILL

Mama Mia!

Back on the playground of Piccadilly, Kentucky, Rusty Stabler and I once got into a heated argument. “My dad can beat up your dad,” he yelled, spittle flying from his lips. “Oh, yeah?” I responded. “My mom got really drunk one night and told me your dad is my dad.”

That shut him up good.

BILL

Funny The Things One Remembers

Upon David Bowie’s death, I thought about Cheech and Chong’s 1974 recording “Earache My Eye,” which starts with a glam rock song that I thought – erroneously – was sung by David Bowie. It was, in fact, Richard “Cheech” Marin. Now it’s 1975 and we’re at a band festival in, if I recall, Marquette, Michigan and a number of us are listening to this piece. Our uber-drummer Tony Gasparac refers to the faux tune that begins the recording, saying “Actually, this is a pretty great record in and of itself.”

I can recall this incidental remark and yet I can’t recall anything said in a cross country trip with my brother.

BILL

Life is Awash in Mystery

Why are the words “John The Baptist” not the least bit funny yet “Ernie The Catholic” are?

BILL

A Trumped Up Charge

The misdemeanor battery charge against Donald Trump’s campaign manager is nothing short of a joke. A similar charge could be made against an overeager used car salesman grabbing one’s hand to shake it without the person knowing.

BILL

I’m sending back my Russian bride.

All she does is go on about how great things were under Krushchev. That and the fact that she’s 89 years old.

BILL

Infernal Affairs

Next time you pick up the King James bible, remember that the good king oversaw “witch” burnings, then consider the source.

BILL

The End is No Longer Near

In an attempt to stave off the apocalypse, FYI has cancelled “Kocktails With Khloe.” Company Chairman Jasper Trisdale was quoted re the Kardashian hosted gab-fest: “We felt it was incumbent upon us to do the right thing. Breathe easy, everyone.”

BILL

And Some Wonder Why I Deem Them "Rubes"

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant proclaimed April to be Confederate Heritage Month. Inspired by the proclamation, Germany President Joachim Gauck announced that he will proclaim June as Nazi Heritage Month.

BILL

My Holy Terror

Weird. Terrorists fearlessly commit to gaining 72 virgins after they die. My greatest fear since 72 is dying a virgin. Go figure.

BILL

We Will Never Forget. (OK, Maybe We Will)

From 2009 to 2014, there have been 196,000 gun deaths in the United States.* Or as I call it: 65 9/11s.

BILL

*Source: 4/3/16 Los Angeles Times

When explaining why I don’t have kids...

… I always respond: “Two reasons: I’m lazy and I’m self-centered. Do I need a third reason?”

BILL

Time Passage

In the same way that “Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” I think we must give due consideration to the reality that even a functioning clock can be slow sometimes. Interpret as you will.

BILL

I Can't Believe I'm Defending Donald Trump

On a recent airing of “Real Time with Bill Maher,” the host quoted Trump as saying “All I know is what’s on the Internet,” deriding such a statement as it (presumably) should be derided. Unfortunately, while Trump did indeed say this, it was in regards to one very limited issue only. This is MAJORLY taking something out of context and more than a bit unfair.

Just keeping it real, Bill, pun intended. Yes, I’ll be shooting myself later today for having defended Donald Trump. It’s been real. (Hey! There’s that “real” word again.)

BILL

The Danger of "The True Believer"

NEWS ITEM: Kabul, Afghanistan – A year ago, amateur cellphone video captured by hundreds of mostly young men showed a frenzied crowd beating a young woman, her face covered in blood. For nearly two hours, she pleaded for her life and denied their accusations – that she had burned pages from the Koran.

They later dragged her body from the back of a pickup, then dumped the corpse in a dry patch of river and set it afire.

“These were educated city dwellers who rushed and beat a woman based on hearsay,” a TV journalist stated later. Turned out, the accusations were false.

EDITORIAL: Now a crowd of agnostics or atheists would never inflict such brutality upon a lone woman. The magic ingredient that makes such an event possible is religion, not belief in god, but religion. And in my verbal sparring with true believing Christians who simply “know beyond a shadow of a doubt” that what they believe is true, so did the aforementioned men “know” that what they were doing was just and proper. A travesty of the word “know.”

BILL

Sage Advice for New Parents Pondering Names:

Remember… the playground is ruthless.

BILL

Trashin' The Place

It occurred to me one day as I walked to the dumpster with a bag of trash in one hand and a bag of “my stuff” in the other, that there has to have been many times when someone – distracted over whatever – has walked out with two of the aforementioned bags and, upon arrival at work, was met with the question: “Joe? What are you doing with a bag of garbage?”

BILL

It's Elementary, My Dear Watson

Some assert that the late Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia “died mysteriously.” Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The 79-year old judge suffered from coronary artery disease, obesity and diabetes, among other ailments.

Hope this helps.

BILL

"Brussels Sprouts Theories as To Cause of Terror"

I’m betting religion is a factor. Call me crazy.

BILL

A Thinly Transparent Argument

Gang rapists should not be sent to prison because they might get depressed. I’m adamant about this. We all agree depression is not something we would wish upon anybody, right? So that would most definitely include gang rapists. NOT!!! Here’s the thing, we deem public safety and criminal punishment to - without question - trump a felon’s depression. Now follow me on this one.

When people advocate legislation mandating making it known who is paying for political ads, etc. there is a certain element of society – OK, I’ll say it, a certain political party – that suggests that we CAN’T inform the public who is secretly financing Political Action Committees and funding initiatives under blurry names like “Citizens United for a Better Tomorrow” because – ready? – there might be boycotts or vaguely worded “threats” against these individuals. Now, here’s where we get to the gang rapist analogy. In the same way that public safety and criminal punishment are more important than possible depression among gang rapists, so does transparency and full disclosure as to who is trying to buy the results of an election trump a possible boycott of said individuals.

I’m putting away my soap box now. I know, I know. “Hey, Bill, try USING the soap for once!”

BILL

Sequel-Mania

If Sanders should be elected President, a Friday night arrival at the Lincoln bedroom will henceforth be known as “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

BILL

Lunar Obit

Neil Armstrong chose the lowest paying job offer he had coming out of college. Or as Donald Trump would call him: “a loser.”

BILL

It's Not the Mileage; It's the Years (a stolen line....)

Harrison Ford is scheduled to do another Indiana Jones movie. He’ll be 75 when it comes out! I’m thinking perhaps he should star in another “Walker, Texas Ranger” instead.

BILL

I Suppose I Shouldn't Brag Aout This

But I have two degrees of separation from Charles Manson from four different directions.

BILL

Of COURSE I Believe in Miracles!

I mean, Lady Gaga and Dianne Warren did NOT win the Oscar for “Till It Happens To You” a couple weeks back.

BILL

The Furor Over der Fuehrer

Thank you, Donald Trump! Just when voicing the similarities of Trump to Hitler met with some resistance, The Donald helps make the case for me. As protesters are being forcibly removed from one of his rallies, he says to his all white followers (must be a master race, I guess) how he longs for the days when protesters would be “taken out on stretchers.” Yes, pining for the days of physically pummeling protesters to the point where they need to be taken to the hospital. Ladies and gentlemen: Donald Trump.

BILL

NEWS ITEM: The mothers of Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis, two (black) men killed in high-profile shootings, knocked Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders on Tuesday for comments he made about "ghettos" and African-American families.

EDITORIAL: Nice priorities, ladies. I learned Friday that Bernie Sanders was rousted by police at a civil rights protest in the 60s. Yeah, maybe, in an off the cuff moment, he shouldn’t have used the term “ghetto.” but who among us bats a thousand? Certainly not me. Way to fight the power, ladies.

BILL

Birth of a National Candidate for President

I don’t seem to be hearing that tidal wave of birther stuff re Canadian born GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz. Oh, that’s right. He’s not black. My bad!

BILL

"I Know a Lot About Benghazi; I Saw The Movie!"

Someone actually said this to me. However, there’s a danger in getting one’s “facts” from a movie, a point perhaps comically proven by watching “Titanic” again and noticing that the two chaps stationed high in the crow’s nest as lookouts for icebergs take a few seconds to spy upon Jack and Rose as they smooch away on deck. The two quip back and forth about not wanting to do the same to stave off the chill, their spying upon the young lovers and somewhat tawdry exchange occurring just before they spot the actual iceberg yet still comprising sufficient time to ensure Titanic’s fateful contact with it. (You’ll recall the ship just barely grazed it.) Alas, a few more seconds in the ship’s favor and James Cameron has a lot less money. Yes, one can make the case by watching the movie that the Titanic itself sank because of Jack and Rose.

BILL

PS: And don’t even get me started on Oliver Stone’s “JFK.”

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

True believers need to learn the difference between feeling something very, very, very, VERY strongly and actually “knowing.” The two are NOT the same, despite the fact that one group, the 9/11 terrorists, would tell me differently, “knowing” as they did that the infidels should be killed.

BILL

Debate Post-Mortem

To watch last night’s wrestling match of a Republican Presidential candidate debate was to catch a glimpse of the sheer genius of Mike Judge’s 2006 comedy “Idiocracy,” where the once mighty United States of America has intellectually crumbled into a dim-bulb netherworld of absolute morons. The childish bully antics of Donald Trump managed from time to time to pull even the other “serious” candidates down to his boorish level, the four of them pelting each other with fistfuls of verbal sand in pathetic attempts to garner the cheers of their own portion of knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers populating the rube-infested audience. While no fan of FOX News, I couldn’t help but admire – and, yes, feel sorry for - the three hosts who did their best to soldier on valiantly, heads held high in attempting to bring some level of respectable discourse to this sorry affair, each frequently being booed and heckled for having the audacity to ask what I thought was a consistent presentation of not only fair-minded but hardball questions, the type that an informed electorate should welcome when vetting the highest office in our nation. Sadly, what we saw instead was a national embarrassment.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Night of The Sand Crabs

After a stress-filled day at the office yesterday, it was nice to simply go home, kick back and watch the kids play in the sandbox.

After the GOP debate I ordered a pizza.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Admit It, This WOULD Be Funny

Clinton wins in November and during her election night victory speech says: “And now I’d like to introduce a very close friend of mine,” and out comes Donald Trump.

BILL

A State With a Lot of Bulls Will Always Have a Lot of Bullshit

The mortality rate for women having abortions in the United States was less than one in 100,000 between 2008 and 2011. This is lower than the mortality rate for colonoscopies and liposuction.*

One can certainly understand then when Texas lawmakers enact endless restrictions on abortions in an effort to “protect women’s health.”

Ahhhh, that’s so thoughtful of them.

BILL


*Source: 3/2/16 Los Angeles Times

I Changed My Mind on This:

I wrote awhile back: “Since one is statistically more likely to drown in his or her bathtub than be killed by a terrorist, what say we get rid of bath tubs?”

Now obviously it was a joke in getting rid of bath tubs but Bill Maher said he gets irked by stats like this because – and I’m paraphrasing – a bath tub isn’t trying to get a nuke. Terrorists are.

The power of reason.

BILL

Fair is Fair

In the same way I ridicule Donald Trump for fearing Megyn Kelly, I equally must deride Hillary Clinton for (seemingly so far) fearing Chris Wallace, host of FOX News Sunday. And for what it’s worth, I do on occasions watch Wallace’s show and think he’s about as – pun intended - fair and balanced as they come.

BILL

Donald Trump To The Extreme

TRUMP: Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. You know what I’m going to do as soon as I’m president?

TRUMP FAN: What?

TRUMP: I am going to fuck your mother right up the ass. That’s what I’m going to do.

TRUMP FAN: Hey, I like your style. You’re a straight shooter!

TRUMP: Straight shooter? You don’t know the half of it. My cock is going to be a straight shooter when I cum up that bitch's ass. How’s that sound?

TRUMP FAN: That’s the kind of talk I LIKE to hear! None of that political crap we get from all those weak-kneed politicians.

TRUMP: And another thing you oughtta know, your mother is going to be screaming because I am huuuuuuuuuuuuge.

TRUMP FAN: You sure ain’t politically correct, are you?

TRUMP: The only thing I do correct is make deals and fuck. And your mother? She’s gonna get the best of both worlds. One sweet deal from me. And guess what I’m gonna do when I’m done fucking her up the ass?

TRUMP FAN: Do tell!

TRUMP: I’m gonna pull out of her like Obama from Iraq and cum all over your mother’s backside. How’s that sound? She is gonna be so covered in cum she’s gonna look like a New Orleans wedding cake in August.

TRUMP FAN: Now THAT’S the kind of straight shooting talk I like to hear. You got my vote, Donald.

TRUMP: Call me “Mr. Trump.”

TRUMP FAN: Yes, sir, Mr. Trump!

My favorite (late) SCOTUS Justice Antonin Scalia quote:

“In the Gospels, the devil is doing all sorts of things. He’s making pigs run off cliffs, he’s possessing people and whatnot. And that doesn’t happen very much anymore. It’s because he’s smart. What he’s doing now is getting people not to believe in him or in God. He’s much more successful that way. He got wilier.”

(Like a coyote, Anton?)

BILL

Why I Want Sylvester Stallone To Win The Oscar

I’m in Beverly Hills and I run I into Johnny Ola—no, wait, that’s Fredo’s story in “Godfather Part II.”

I’m in Beverly Hills circa 99 and I see Stallone across the street talking very briefly with two young men. I could read what happened next. After these two - shocked as hell that holy shit! it’s Sylvester Stallone! - were just about to leave, one of them clearly had asked “Can I shake your hand?” With nothing but warmth, graciousness and a smile to match, Stallone extended his hand, walked toward him and shook the young man’s hand before going on his way.

While a megastar, he still knew that doing this would mean the world to this guy and would be an anecdote he would never forget. Nor would a stranger across the street.

BILL

PS: Oh. And he’s fantastic in “Creed” and deserves the Oscar.

A Racist, A Sexist and a Bully Walk Into a Bar

Bartender looks up. “What can I get you, Mr. Trump?”

BILL



(Back from vacation...)

Non Vino Veritas

I think it would be hysterical if Donald Trump got completely wasted before a campaign rally and everything that subsequently came out of his mouth sounded – albeit slurred - mature, reasonable, intelligent, empathic and “presidential.”

BILL

I Rack My Brain Over This

If you’re enjoying the creative works of ISIS, remember they arose from the ashes of a chaotic Iraq, a country rendered chaotic as a result of our going to war with them. So if you are one of those who were pumping your fist and chanting “USA! USA!” back in 2003, giddy that we were going to war against a country that DID NOT ATTACK US and you’re now looking for someone to blame for the current mess over there, well… find a mirror.

Of course, there were a few who advised against invading Iraq. We were a small but vocal lot.

BILL

Hey, I'll Admit It:

I’m already hooked on FX Network’s “The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story.” Just don’t tell me how it ends.

BILL

For The Mr. Rigoni's of The World

No matter how long I live, what I accomplish, or how much I earn, I will always feel compelled to use the prefix “Mister” (Etc.) for all my high school and elementary teachers. (Yes, they were nearly all male.) I think dumber ideas have been hatched than that of encouraging all of us to continue to use these terms to symbolize our respect for those who have taught us and thus – by default – for education in general. There is a reason the Taliban bombs schools. They want to live in the dark ages. We don’t.

BILL

PS: Mr. Rigoni was my sixth grade teacher. Still rockin.’

What Are The Odds?

Just found out there is an over-under bet on the Super Bowl national anthem. C’mon, guys. Is nothing sacred? Besides, if betting on the duration of “The Star Spangled Banner” doesn’t clue you in to the fact that you have a gambling problem, nothing will. In other news, the sound you did NOT hear yesterday was that of my teeth gnashing in annoyed embarrassment during Lady Gaga’s performance.

BILL

File Under: "What The Hell"

If a judge ever sentences me to two consecutive life terms, I’m going to respond: “Your Honor, I don’t want to come off greedy or anything but could I have three? Three’s my lucky number.”

BILL

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

The results of the latest Congressional committee re Benghazi are finally in. The report – deemed the most comprehensive and definitive of all previous ones and entitled “Shit Happens" – will be released today.

BILL

And He's Delusional!

YESTERDAY’S DONALD TRUMP TWEET: “The media has not covered my long-shot great finish in Iowa fairly. Brought in record voters and got second highest vote total in history!”

Really, little Donnie? You’re all I’ve read about and seen for, what, two months? Someone get baby his binkie. Maybe the voters of Iowa resented the fact that you chose not to partake in a debate, thus depriving them of being a slightly better informed electorate. Just a thought.

BILL

I Would Bet Everything I Own Tina Fey is a Very Nice Person

That stated, I do not own a car, a bed, a radio, a watch or a cell phone and am wearing 33% of my footwear.

BILL

Mexican Standoff - A Haiku

Cold night in LA.
Beneath my sheets my warm breaths.
Damn you, burritos!

BILL

Song Sung Blues

I once again steel myself for another it’s-all-about-me rendition of the National Anthem before this year’s Super Bowl, the self-absorbed crooner unwittingly eliciting in me a temporary, teeth-gnashing sense of embarrassment for being an American. A little respect, people….

BILL

We have a new gold standard for "It Takes Some Nerve"

“I can’t help thinking that, if I had been elected Vice-President, Bristol and Willow wouldn’t have gotten into that drunken brawl and Track wouldn’t have threatened his girlfriend and whatnot,” Sarah Palin said recently. “Thanks, Obama.”

(This is word for word.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Little Miss Sunshine

The first time I crossed the Mississippi River it was in northern Minnesota, more or less a brook if you will. “Hey, look,” I said to my brother Smedley, who was driving. “Just like the Mississippi River.”

BILL

Offensive Coach

Whenever I see some pro football head coach screaming and pounding his fists in fury at an official over a call that didn’t go his way, all I can think is: “Someone needs a timeout.”

BILL

High and Mighty

The United States has 5% of the world’s population yet consumes 75% of its prescription drugs.*

Welllllllllllllllllllll… all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!!USA!!!

BILL

*Source: 1/22/16 Los Angeles Times

Money For Nothing and Your Checks For Free

When former model Jerry Hall walks down the aisle to wed FOX billionaire Rupert Murdoch, I hope they play Pink Floyd’s “Money” instead of “Here Comes The Bride.”

BILL



Twitter: @BillBekkala

Good God, the man is like a CHILD!

NEWS ITEM: 'Who the hell wants to woo her?!' Donald Trump renews attacks on Megyn Kelly ahead of Fox News debate.

EDITORIAL: Evidently, hell hath no fury like a real estate mogul scorned.

BILL

If You Can't Sue The Ones You Hate, Hate The One You're With

The wife of one of the San Bernardino terror shooting victims is suing the county for $58 million.

Welllllllllllllllllllllll… all I have to say to that is: USA! USA! USA!

BILL

Carelessness is a Warm Gun

NEWS ITEM: After a masked man hit an employee and robbed a Subway restaurant in Aurora, an armed bystander named Avery Nelson took matters into his own hands. He chased the robber, pulled out a gun and fired warning shots in the air, then additional shots at the subject's getaway car.
Nelson's well-intentions yielded a court summons for reckless endangerment and the firing of a weapon. A police officer explained that witnesses are encouraged to pay attention to details that they can share with law enforcement rather than proceed on their own. The rounds shot in pursuit of this robber could have hurt other bystanders.

EDITORIAL: Yee-haw!!!!!!!

BILL

Here I Am, Stuck in The Middle With Rubes

For somewhat of a clue on how to handle the Oregon militia rubes, check out the film “A Bronx Tale,” where these goons are asked to leave a bar for being… well, goons. After initially promising to behave they act up a second time, upon which the owner and his friends lock the door and say “Now yous can’t leave.” (I won’t plot spoil for what happens next.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Hitting The High Notes

NEWS ITEM: HOOKSETT, N.H. (AP) — Two Republican presidential hopefuls called for a more compassionate discussion around drug addiction Tuesday, with emphasis on substance abuse as a curable disease, not a moral failing. Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush and technology executive Carly Fiorina have both had deeply personal experiences with addiction. Fiorina's step-daughter died from a drug overdose, while Bush's daughter has struggled with addiction.

(NOT AN ORIGINAL) EDITORIAL: And isn’t this a Republican candidate trait, only “getting it” when it hits them personally? (Prior to that their position being, well… F ‘em.)

BILL

Straw Purchases

I wonder how many people currently stockpiling weapons out of fear of a terrorist attack are the very same people who are against closing the “straw purchase” loophole on gun purchases, wherein a legal buyer makes the buy for someone not entitled to, which is how the San Bernardino shooters obtained their weapons.

And if you are against closing this loophole and are looking for someone to blame re things like San Bernardino, might I suggest a mirror.

BILL

Hey, Everybody! Let's Play Make Believe!!

I love how the Oregon militia rubes dress up in camouflage, pretending to be authentic soldiers. I shouldn’t be too hard on them though. I mean I used to do it. Of course, I was eight at the time.

BILL

Verbal Ammonition

I suppose I’m the only one waiting for Oregon militia rube Ammon Bundy to inadvertently let fly some racist tidbit (like father, Cliven) by saying something like “I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro.”

BILL

Maybe Less IS More

Maybe the “less government” crowd has a point. Why don’t we try as a pilot program – pun intended – getting rid of the Federal Aviation Administration and have no regulations whatsoever regarding all domestic and international inbound flights. Just let folks fly in willy-nilly and let freedom RING!!!!

Who’s with me?

BILL

Lefty Drivel

When I was a lad, my mother – who attended Catholic school – told me of her childhood and how “the sisters” would smack kids hard on the hand with a ruler for attempting to write with their left hand, a reasonable punishment, it being of course “the devil’s hand.”

Ah, yes… religion…

BILL