Take One For The Team!

I wish some reporter would take one for the team and, while listening to Donald Trump impugn the women who have accused him of sexual misconduct, state “Mr. Trump, I believe you. That being said would you agree with me that anybody who would do the things of which you’ve been accused is a complete fucking asshole unfit to be president of the United States?” Sure, that reporter might be fired and, yes, it would go viral but wouldn’t it be worth it? And wouldn’t that be taking one for the team?

BILL

I've Seen The Light!!!

I’ve changed my mind. Upon seeing again the videotape of Trump mocking a reporter with a disability, I finally came to my senses. I know what you’re thinking: Good Christ, Bill, what took so long!? This, I said to myself, THIS is the type of person who I would want to tell my kids I proudly voted for as leader of the free world. Because I think it’s important that we demonstrate to our children – they are our future after all - the type of shining qualities we beseech them to emulate. And in the end those qualities are best personified by one Donald Trump. How could I have been wrong for so long?

BILL

OK, Hollywood, You've Got It Down!

For years, I mumbled to myself re the oft cheesy special effects in movies “Hey, Hollywood, let me know when you’ve got them down. Then I’ll come see your movie.” (A bad effect pulls you OUT of the movie.)

Having seen last year’s “The Revenant,” – and more specifically the bear attack scene early on - I guess I have to mothball that gripe. I’ve caught this scene a few times on HBO and it is so incredibly flawless that I have no idea how they pulled it off, especially considering – ready? – for 5 and a half minutes there is not a single cut!

Now I take no delight in watching bear maulings and couldn’t watch it if it were real but we all know Leonardo DiCaprio is fit as a fiddle. Moreover, I’ve looked for flaws each time (“the strings”) and I see none. The camera lens even fogs up when the absolutely massive bear’s head is too close to it.

Perhaps your eye is sharper than mine but I would bet everything I own that if you ask me to assess this scene twenty years from now my impression will be the same: It looks 100% real.

BILL

Pout-a-Thon 201

Per Trump’s refusal last week to promise that he would accept the election results, he is now literally endangering the very foundation of our democracy. Nixon in 60 and Gore in 2000 each had legitimate reasons to contest the election, the former even more considering that the Democratic party in Chicago under Richard Daley was a paradigm of corruption, and historians pretty much agree The Boss swung Illinois Kennedy’s way, thus denying Nixon the presidency. Both, however, conceded. For the good of the country. Patriots as they were. Trump will likely pound his fists in fury. What a child.

BILL

"Trumpidence"

Trump’-i-dence (n) 1) evidence admissible in a court of law by way of “I’m hearing things” or “People are saying.” 2) Total bullshit

BILL

(As Bob once sang) The times they are a’changin’

In the wayward days of my youth, I would often be asked by my dear mother to run across the street for an egg or cup of flour. Nowadays I pound away on my next door neighbor Ziggy’s door at a most obscene hour clamoring for a fix of black tar heroin.

BILL

Mein Trump

For those prone to saying “Hitlary,” if you read history objectively, the one candidate paralleling the actual Adolf Hitler right now is not named Hillary. Pointing fingers of blame at foreigners, invoking shadowy cabals of international bankers colluding with his opponent, desiring to build walls, threatening to jail his opponent, playing to the white crowd, disdaining one religion in particular, more than implying - in increasingly paranoid tones - that a corrupt system is against him, etc. Pretty clear it seems.

BILL

From our “What’s-good-for-the-goose-is-good-for-the-gander” file

If people are going to ask: “Why did it take so long for Donald Trump’s accusers to make their stories known?” one should reply: “Why did it take so long for Trump to apologize?”

BILL

Tar Fools

If you’re going to accuse people of being “Nazi Republicans” it’s best not to use Nazi tactics. Way to go, North Carolina jerks. (That stated, one side’s nominee has advocated violence, the other not.)

BILL

The Hurt Locker Room

Here’s how we KNOW that Trump did all the things of which he’s accused. For starters, the accusers are merely AGREEING with what he has already told us by way of a hot mike. (And by the way, Little Donnie, THIS is the microphone you should be mad at, NOT the one that captured your incessant sniffling.)

And the more important point: Let me assure you, if I had been accused of the same thing and KNEW I had not done it, I would – in addition to denying it – say “And anyone who would behave in such a repulsive, disrespectful manner toward women owes them an apology and is not fit to serve as President.” Alas, we shall NEVER hear these words from Little Donnie and his defenders know this.

BILL

Whenever people say:

“Marriage is work,” this happy bachelor responds: “Maybe that’s why they pay me to work.”

BILL

"I have the best words"

This used to be the funniest Donald Trump quote. Now of course it has been “trumped” by:

“No one respects women more than me.”

BILL

Two Spirits Having Flown

Call me shallow but I’ve always felt that brothers Robin and Maurice – no longer with us – simply had to be jealous of older brother Barry’s undeniably good looks. I mean, my brothers hated me for my Clooney-esque looks and we didn’t even know there was a George Clooney at the time. We only knew his father Nick, host of Maze Craze.

BILL

Wedding Bill Blues

Singer Sara Bareilles keeps turning down my marriage proposals. (Or at least that’s how I’m interpreting the restraining orders.)

BILL

Oblivious to his Own Self-Loathing

Mike Pence doesn't just loathe "professional politicians," he IS one! (And by the way, aren’t they the same "professional politicians” who have kept the nation afloat for 240 years?)

BILL

Genes at Work

NEWS ITEM: As the Republican presidential nominee spiraled down into a week that would be dominated by personal attacks on a former Miss Universe and his seething response to poor reviews of his debate performance, NBC News reported that among those growing increasingly concerned about the trajectory of his campaign were his three adult children — Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric. The kids, NBC’s Katy Tur reported, were starting to worry about the campaign’s adverse impact on the family business.

EDITORIAL: The best part, showing that the kids truly learned at the foot of the master, is that their main concern is the BUSINESS. Not their father. Not his place in history. But profits. Ironically enough: “priceless.”

BILL

Try This Some Time:

Say “Why, that’s as soft as a baby’s behind. And I know what I’m talking about. I’ve touched THOUSANDS of babies’ behinds.”

BILL