So THIS is what he has in mind for “being more presidential.”

NEWS ITEM: Trump went on to criticize Republican rival Senator Ted Cruz for not embracing the waterboarding of terrorism suspects.

“He’s actually a very weak person, so he didn’t like it,” Trump said. “I’d go many steps further than waterboarding - many, many steps further.”

His torture comments generated another huge burst of cheers.*

EDITORIAL: Really, is one needed?

*Source 4/29/16 Los Angeles Times re Donald Trump’s Costa Mesa rally

Birds of Same Feather

Donald Trump now has former Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight campaigning for him. Well, bully for him.

BILL

A Life Lesson I Have Learned:

I have found unending peace in these solemn words written so very long ago: “Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die. Till you die.”

BILL

Play That Funky Race Card, White Girl

NEWS ITEM: Remember Melissa Click, the University of Missouri professor who lost her job after assaulting a student on camera and asking for some “muscle” to help get rid of him? According to Click, her dismissal from Mizzou wasn’t because she attacked a student in a pathetic bid to shut down free speech. Nope. Click says she was fired for being white. In an interview with The Chronicle of Higher Education, Melissa Click speaks out about being fired from the University of Missouri after threatening a student reporter who was filming a campus protest she was participating in. ‘This is all about racial politics,” she said. “I’m a white lady. I’m an easy target.”

EDITORIAL: No, dear, they fired you – as well they should have – for needlessly advocating violence against a student. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean “violence.” I meant “muscle.”

BILL

Feel The Burn (a stolen STD pun I'll admit)

The way things are going, I figure the day is not far off when a “religious freedom advocate” fireman refuses to put out a gay person’s house fire.

BILL

The Myth of "American Exceptionalism"

Will someone please explain to me what “American exceptionalism” is? (Aside from delusional thinking, I mean.) Hey, I love my country too but we’re so extraordinarily average in so many respects that I think it nothing short of laughable to assert otherwise. This bloated sense of self-importance is half our problem, the other half of course being Obama not always wearing his flag pin.

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Jackson Jive

With the U.S. Treasury’s decision to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with Harriet Tubman, some are up in arms.

While Ms. Tubman was a slave who freed herself then dedicated her life to freeing other slaves, Andrew Jackson’s policies as President led to the deaths of countless American Indians. Or as I call them “Americans.”

Let’s see. A slave who freed herself and dedicated her life to the extremely dangerous practice of freeing other slaves in a time of rabid racism or a guy who ordered the deaths of countless Americans.

Man, this is a tough one!

BILL

Try This Sometime:

When using rubber cement at work, tell someone “Hey, this glue smells funny. Would you mind sniffing it for a few seconds?”

BILL

Not The Angel Clarence, The Other One

As I watched “Confirmation,” the HBO film on the 1991 Senate hearings over whether Clarence Thomas should be named an associate justice on the Supreme Court in the wake of Law Professor Anita Hill’s charges of sexual harassment, I was reminded once again how Professor Hill both volunteered to take and passed a lie detector test and how two things came to pass, neither of which surprised me: one, Clarence Thomas would not take a lie detector test and two, denials aside, he never once said words to the effect of: “Anyone conducting himself in the manner of which I have been accused is not fit to serve on the Supreme Court let alone be chairman of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.”

As a bonus, it was especially delicious to see a man who in years since has criticized affirmative action and joined the court majority in essentially saying that racism no longer exists having the gumption to play the race card when it served his purposes, i.e. stating that the hearings were nothing more than a “high tech lynching,” proclaiming this with the full knowledge that his accuser, like himself, was black. Nicely played, sir. Nicely played.

BILL

I Love Irony

Saw a picture in the Times of a guy wearing a T-shirt reading: “Trump 2016 - Fire The Idiots.” My fallback line as always is: How hard do you think any member of either of the other two branches of government is going to laugh when Trump tries to fire them?”

BILL

Vasili Arkhipov

If you ever want to see just how close we came to the end of the world as we know it during the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, look up information on this Russian Navy officer who personally prevented nuclear war. It’s even closer than you’ve probably heard.

BILL

Mama Mia!

Back on the playground of Piccadilly, Kentucky, Rusty Stabler and I once got into a heated argument. “My dad can beat up your dad,” he yelled, spittle flying from his lips. “Oh, yeah?” I responded. “My mom got really drunk one night and told me your dad is my dad.”

That shut him up good.

BILL

Funny The Things One Remembers

Upon David Bowie’s death, I thought about Cheech and Chong’s 1974 recording “Earache My Eye,” which starts with a glam rock song that I thought – erroneously – was sung by David Bowie. It was, in fact, Richard “Cheech” Marin. Now it’s 1975 and we’re at a band festival in, if I recall, Marquette, Michigan and a number of us are listening to this piece. Our uber-drummer Tony Gasparac refers to the faux tune that begins the recording, saying “Actually, this is a pretty great record in and of itself.”

I can recall this incidental remark and yet I can’t recall anything said in a cross country trip with my brother.

BILL

Life is Awash in Mystery

Why are the words “John The Baptist” not the least bit funny yet “Ernie The Catholic” are?

BILL

A Trumped Up Charge

The misdemeanor battery charge against Donald Trump’s campaign manager is nothing short of a joke. A similar charge could be made against an overeager used car salesman grabbing one’s hand to shake it without the person knowing.

BILL

I’m sending back my Russian bride.

All she does is go on about how great things were under Krushchev. That and the fact that she’s 89 years old.

BILL

Infernal Affairs

Next time you pick up the King James bible, remember that the good king oversaw “witch” burnings, then consider the source.

BILL

The End is No Longer Near

In an attempt to stave off the apocalypse, FYI has cancelled “Kocktails With Khloe.” Company Chairman Jasper Trisdale was quoted re the Kardashian hosted gab-fest: “We felt it was incumbent upon us to do the right thing. Breathe easy, everyone.”

BILL

And Some Wonder Why I Deem Them "Rubes"

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant proclaimed April to be Confederate Heritage Month. Inspired by the proclamation, Germany President Joachim Gauck announced that he will proclaim June as Nazi Heritage Month.

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My Holy Terror

Weird. Terrorists fearlessly commit to gaining 72 virgins after they die. My greatest fear since 72 is dying a virgin. Go figure.

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We Will Never Forget. (OK, Maybe We Will)

From 2009 to 2014, there have been 196,000 gun deaths in the United States.* Or as I call it: 65 9/11s.

BILL

*Source: 4/3/16 Los Angeles Times

When explaining why I don’t have kids...

… I always respond: “Two reasons: I’m lazy and I’m self-centered. Do I need a third reason?”

BILL