Try This at Work Some Time:

When a coworker coughs, say: “That doesn’t sound very good.” If they respond: “Nah, just allergies,” say: “Oh, that’s right. I heard others saying you’re allergic to hard work.”

BILL

Let's Rectify This Custom

Could we cease with the lame habit of nicknaming celebrities by using the first initial of their first name and the first syllable of their last? (Examples: “JLo” for Jennifer Lopez or “JLaw” for Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence.)

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Andrew Holester

Hack Job

My hacker friend Stosh is a riot. He left a sign on his front door reading: “Gone Phishing."

BILL

Not Working For The Man

I think the only long-term hope for humanity lies in women taking over every position of power and/or world governance. Seriously, could they do any worse than the endless war, murder, rape, over-population, destruction of the environment, torture, starvation, genocide, violence, slavery, famine, drought, poverty, molestations, “honor” killings and female subjugation that have afflicted humanity since time immemorial, all of which have been brought to us compliments of men?

BILL

What I Did On My Vacation

Last Monday I planted myself outside the Beverly Hills courthouse at 8:00am sharp. Soon, a sheriff’s deputy approached, inquiring what I was up to.

“I’m waiting on Lindsay Lohan,” I replied.

“But she’s not due in court,” he responded.

“That’s OK; I’m off all week.”

BILL

Now THAT'S a Vanishing Cream I Could Go For

My ex just went on this new Gwyneth Paltrow Elimination Diet. Sadly, both are still with us.

BILL

A Fun L.A. Thing I Like To Do

Approach appallingly under-eating, weight-obsessed skinny women and ask: “When’s the baby due?”

BILL

Letting My Fingers Do The Talking

I enjoy getting together with my tier-two friends on the strict proviso that during the entire time we are together they utter not a single word, allowing me to concentrate fully on the task at hand, that of course being texting my close friends.

BILL

A Grim But Amusing Thought

They say there are no female serial killers, but how do we know that they simply aren’t infinitely better at it than we stupid men who continue getting caught all the time?

BILL

How My Medical Career Imploded

My days at the reception desk came to an ignominious end when hospital management discovered that I bid farewell to every patient with: “Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

I like to borrow money from Alzheimer’s patients because more often than not they forget that I owe them.

BILL

Freckles on Bare Arms

“A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Seems the staunch advocates of the second amendment aren’t quite as passionate about the bold and italicized portion above as they are the latter half.

BILL

Mass Media

At a recent GOP convention, the positively rotund Karl Rove offered the following to the 500 assembled delegates: “My message is this: get off your ass." This is trumped in irony only by 2007’s “Sicko,” the filmic indictment of the American health care system compliments of the heart-attack-waiting-to-happen known as Michael Moore.

BILL

Bill's Lifeless Humor

I hope that, when I die, the hearse carrying my corpse gets a flat, rendering it such that I am, yes, late for my own funeral.

BILL