Myth Busting Time

Whenever anyone waves that silly “class warfare” flag, ask them this: “Aside from the suggestion that the richest of the rich pay a bit more in taxes, what acts of war or warfare – literally or figuratively – are you referring to?” Then enjoy the silence, perhaps curling up with a good book.

BILL

Oscar Minor Whine - Round Two

And as for you, Ms. Jolie, while a fan, I don’t want to give you a kiss; I want to give you a bacon-cheeseburger.

BILL

Of Course, Stalin Never Had This Problem

Anytime someone running for President says they want to “run government like a business,” they should immediately be asked: “Really? How hard do you think any member of either of the other two branches of government is going to laugh when you try to fire them?”

BILL

Experience Preferred!

I’m sure we all agree that to make a truly informed decision, it’s best to have firsthand knowledge of the subject. This being so, I can’t help but wonder if people - especially men – who insist without reservation that all impregnated rape victims be denied an abortion in order to take the child to term would find themselves compelled to reconsider their position if they themselves suffered the brutal misfortune of being raped. I would think it might – how shall I put this? – “get their attention.”

BILL

Chicken Roosting Time

MSNBC severed ties with Pat Buchanan, a move which the longtime conservative commentator described as “an undeniable victory for the blacklisters.” In light of the fact that Buchanan, a fervent anti-communist from the day he sprang from the womb, would have – in all likelihood – heartily approved of the 1950s Hollywood blacklist, well… you get my point.

BILL

Chicken Roosting Time

MSNBC severed ties with Pat Buchanan, a move which the longtime conservative commentator described as “an undeniable victory for the blacklisters.” In light of the fact that Buchanan, a fervent anti-communist from the day he sprang from the womb, would have – in all likelihood – heartily approved of the 1950s Hollywood blacklist, well… you get my point.

BILL

What Can I Say? The Camera LOVES Me!!

Especially when I walk out of frame.

BILL

The Hell, You Say

If I ever get to the Promised Land, I’m going to cozy up to God and ask him if he’ll chill with the harp music for a spell and instead pipe in the sounds of the anguished screams emanating from the fiery bowels of Hell. I think I’d enjoy that and can’t imagine he wouldn’t get a chuckle out of it as well.

“That’ll teach ‘em not to praise you, huh, buddy?” I’ll utter with a wicked, sycophant cackle.

BILL

My Birth Certifiable Father

When I was born, my Dad – crazy as a loon mind you - drove the Department of Social Services absolutely nuts with a year’s worth of letters and phone calls, making absolutely sure not only that my birth certificate was legally sound and factually correct but verifying the names of all attendant medical staff on hand at the moment of my birth as well as the names of those listed on the document itself in the event diligent follow-up might be required at a later point in time. He actually got into a fistfight with the Overseer of Records at the County Clerk’s office, requesting copies of other recent birth certificates, ensuring that mine was an exact stylistic replica of those, so that no one might later on call it into evidentiary question. To cover all bases, he made sure that my birth announcement was printed in nearby local newspapers as well.

His reason for all this, of course, was: “My boy might run for President one day.”

BILL

Uncle Samuel Wants His Way

Whenever I get into a disagreement with someone, I commence with calmly uttering the following, allowing it to rise slowly in volume and intensity until finally it takes on the form of a not-to-be-appeased wrath, at which point I usually get my way:

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.”

BILL

(OK, it’s from “Pulp Fiction” for the uninitiated….)

A Fascinating Columbine Shooting Fact

As they returned to their cars, Eric Harris encountered Brooks Brown, a classmate with whom he had recently patched up a longstanding disagreement. Brown was surprised to see Harris getting out of a car with a gym bag. Harris had been absent from a test that morning. Brown told him, but Harris seemed unconcerned. Harris then warned him, "Brooks, I like you now. Get out of here. Go home." Brown, feeling uneasy, walked away. Minutes later, students departing Columbine for lunch noticed Brown heading away from the school. Meanwhile, Harris and Dylan Klebold armed themselves by their cars and waited for the bombs to explode.

(I suppose the moral of the story, kids, is: try to be nice.)

BILL

Nothing Sounds Good in German

You can take even Eric Clapton’s classic ballad and sing “My darling, you look wunderbar tonight,” and it completely ruins it.

BILL

While True I Need My Beauty Sleep...

… I once misread the dosage for my sleeping pills and was out for three straight days. The weird part though is that when I finally awoke I looked exactly like Halle Berry. BILL

The Gauntlet Has Been Tossed

There are three things I am all but certain cannot be done. One, find an example of a white President of The United States being interrupted upwards of a dozen times, such as FOX News commentator Bill O’Reilly did while interviewing Barack Obama during last year’s Super Bowl pregame. Two, find an example of someone yelling out “You lie!” – or a similarly rude retort - to a white President, such as South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson did during Obama’s 2009 address to Congress. Three, find an example of a white President having a finger pointed directly into his face by a politician with whom he is having a disagreement, as did Arizona Governor Jan Brewer recently.

You have a range of 219 years out of 223 in which to prove me wrong.

Ready? Go!!!!

BILL