Wearing my full Cowardly Lion regalia – complete with whiskers – I pranced about the edepartment singing: “Ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho! And a couple of tra-la-las. That’s how we laugh the day away in the merry old Land of Oz!”
This had two immediate benefits. Not only did it spark a noticeable bounce in good cheer but it also afforded me an opportunity to update my resume.
BILL
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Katrina Disaster
I’m still undecided as to which is the greater disaster: Hurricane Katrina (now marking its five year anniversary) or (at its 25-year anniversary) the video to Katrina and the Waves’ 1985 hit “Walking on Sunshine.”
BILL
BILL
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell
(New York, NY - September 11, 2001)
REPORTER: Bob, the first tower has completely collapsed and now, oh God, oh God, there… there the second tower is now falling. Oh, my God! This is horrible. What a terrible day for all Americans.
ANCHOR: Well, not necessarily for me. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance.
BILL
REPORTER: Bob, the first tower has completely collapsed and now, oh God, oh God, there… there the second tower is now falling. Oh, my God! This is horrible. What a terrible day for all Americans.
ANCHOR: Well, not necessarily for me. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance.
BILL
ESSAY: "Entourage: Beverly Hillbillies Redux"
If everything old is new again, then there is no finer example on television than "Entourage." Cutting edge, you say? Hate to burst your bubble, but it's "The Beverly Hillbillies" nearly half a century later.
For those who don't get HBO, "Entourage" is the wickedly funny series regaling the antics of dreamy-eyed A-list movie star Vincent Chase, cinema prince - by way of Queens - of LA and his entourage of older brother, struggling actor Johnny "Drama" Chase, best friend and manager Eric "E" Murphy, and driver, "Turtle." Much as the Ozark hillbillies of yesteryear struck oil and headed for Beverly, so too did Vinnie Chase, striking cinema gold and bringing his homies with him, the ensemble of which uncannily hearkens back to the Clampett clan.
Vince of course is Jed Clampett. Wealthy, albeit new money, he's the same guy he's always been, right down to his attire. Just like Jed, he is unfailingly courteous, averse to conflict, principled, humble and seemingly in tune with some benign truth to which the others seem oblivious. Savoir-faire accorded each, but with a country twang for Jed.
Resident buffoon Johnny Chase is a near replica of Jethro, the brawny, quick to anger, insecure dim bulb of the lot.
Turtle is Elly May, each the easy-going animal lover. While Elly May had her "critters," Turtle hangs with his lovable rottweiler, Arnold. Neither character possessing a mean bone in their body.
Then there's "E," i.e. Granny reincarnated. Small in stature but not in heart, as Granny was born to play bad cop for Jed and kin, so too will Eric if push comes to shove, his Irish pluck every bit the carbon copy of shotgun-toting Granny's twitching finger.
But the parallels don't end there, for you can toss in the mansions in which both foursomes reside as well as each show's opening montage, the junk-strewn Clampett heap barreling down a palm-lined Beverly Hills thoroughfare, while "Entourage's" four young dudes cruise Sunset in open convertible.
Just as Vince has his comically ruthless agent, Ari Gold, so did Jed have Milburn Drysdale, President of Commerce Bank. And where Mr. Drysdale would sell his soul to hang onto his champagne client, so too does Ari dread losing the key stallion in his stable, Vincent Chase. As played by the spectacular Jeremy Piven, Ari fears no one, excluding of course his spouse, "Mrs. Ari," mirroring Milburn Drysdale's never-ending worry that he will incur the wrath of his beloved wife, Margaret.
Easily the most entertaining relationship on the show is that between Ari and Lloyd, the latter the long-suffering assistant to the uber-caustic agent and a near perfect match for Jane Hathaway of "The Beverly Hillbillies," each toiling in jobs beneath them, each enduring a chain of petty humiliations, but each paradigms of unswerving loyalty and never once straying from cordiality to the champagne client, a courtesy we sense would be nobly extended even if said clients were more of the beer variety.
Now I am not suggesting even the faintest whiff of plagiarism toward series creator Doug Ellin, a mere toddler when the Hillbillies' TV run came to an end in 1971. I'll go further. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the 42-year old has never even seen an episode of the sixties comedy classic. What I am saying is that there exists a dynamic tension between certain characters that lends itself to inherently dramatic - or even comic - situations. Doug Ellin clearly and cleverly thought these through, much in the same way “Hillbillies” creator Paul Henning did decades ago. For example, it's simply funny to have an otherwise fearless pit bull of an agent deferring time and again to his classy, world-savvy wife, much as it is interesting to have this same vulgarly homophobic unpinned hand grenade concede that by far the best and most dedicated assistant he has ever had is openly gay.
These are among the reasons why "Entourage" works so well and why for six seasons I have so enjoyed every episode, watching some of them repeatedly. It is in fact the only show I watch. But if you want to label it "original," well, as they say: "There's nothing new under the sun." And even stars like Vinnie Chase get lost beneath its glare.
BILL
For those who don't get HBO, "Entourage" is the wickedly funny series regaling the antics of dreamy-eyed A-list movie star Vincent Chase, cinema prince - by way of Queens - of LA and his entourage of older brother, struggling actor Johnny "Drama" Chase, best friend and manager Eric "E" Murphy, and driver, "Turtle." Much as the Ozark hillbillies of yesteryear struck oil and headed for Beverly, so too did Vinnie Chase, striking cinema gold and bringing his homies with him, the ensemble of which uncannily hearkens back to the Clampett clan.
Vince of course is Jed Clampett. Wealthy, albeit new money, he's the same guy he's always been, right down to his attire. Just like Jed, he is unfailingly courteous, averse to conflict, principled, humble and seemingly in tune with some benign truth to which the others seem oblivious. Savoir-faire accorded each, but with a country twang for Jed.
Resident buffoon Johnny Chase is a near replica of Jethro, the brawny, quick to anger, insecure dim bulb of the lot.
Turtle is Elly May, each the easy-going animal lover. While Elly May had her "critters," Turtle hangs with his lovable rottweiler, Arnold. Neither character possessing a mean bone in their body.
Then there's "E," i.e. Granny reincarnated. Small in stature but not in heart, as Granny was born to play bad cop for Jed and kin, so too will Eric if push comes to shove, his Irish pluck every bit the carbon copy of shotgun-toting Granny's twitching finger.
But the parallels don't end there, for you can toss in the mansions in which both foursomes reside as well as each show's opening montage, the junk-strewn Clampett heap barreling down a palm-lined Beverly Hills thoroughfare, while "Entourage's" four young dudes cruise Sunset in open convertible.
Just as Vince has his comically ruthless agent, Ari Gold, so did Jed have Milburn Drysdale, President of Commerce Bank. And where Mr. Drysdale would sell his soul to hang onto his champagne client, so too does Ari dread losing the key stallion in his stable, Vincent Chase. As played by the spectacular Jeremy Piven, Ari fears no one, excluding of course his spouse, "Mrs. Ari," mirroring Milburn Drysdale's never-ending worry that he will incur the wrath of his beloved wife, Margaret.
Easily the most entertaining relationship on the show is that between Ari and Lloyd, the latter the long-suffering assistant to the uber-caustic agent and a near perfect match for Jane Hathaway of "The Beverly Hillbillies," each toiling in jobs beneath them, each enduring a chain of petty humiliations, but each paradigms of unswerving loyalty and never once straying from cordiality to the champagne client, a courtesy we sense would be nobly extended even if said clients were more of the beer variety.
Now I am not suggesting even the faintest whiff of plagiarism toward series creator Doug Ellin, a mere toddler when the Hillbillies' TV run came to an end in 1971. I'll go further. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the 42-year old has never even seen an episode of the sixties comedy classic. What I am saying is that there exists a dynamic tension between certain characters that lends itself to inherently dramatic - or even comic - situations. Doug Ellin clearly and cleverly thought these through, much in the same way “Hillbillies” creator Paul Henning did decades ago. For example, it's simply funny to have an otherwise fearless pit bull of an agent deferring time and again to his classy, world-savvy wife, much as it is interesting to have this same vulgarly homophobic unpinned hand grenade concede that by far the best and most dedicated assistant he has ever had is openly gay.
These are among the reasons why "Entourage" works so well and why for six seasons I have so enjoyed every episode, watching some of them repeatedly. It is in fact the only show I watch. But if you want to label it "original," well, as they say: "There's nothing new under the sun." And even stars like Vinnie Chase get lost beneath its glare.
BILL
Thursday, August 12, 2010
With Lack of Cred, I Thee Wed
Does anything pulverize the utter absurdity of the “defense of marriage” argument more than current law itself, wherein a gay man can enter into a sham marriage with a woman, garnering both the legal sanction and well wishes of the state?
BILL
BILL
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Why I Believe in Alien-Formed Crop Circles
Ladies, do you honestly think you could get your man out into a blazing hot, bug-infested wheat field with geometrically-aligned charts, sickles, machetes, and whatnot, carving massive, intricately-designed patterns that appear from high above to be the creative handiwork or signposts for aliens plotting an Earth invasion when you have to literally crowbar him off the couch when he’s watching a ballgame just to get him to mow the lawn?
Resting my case….
BILL
Resting my case….
BILL
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
ESSAY: Obama Socialist Collective Meeting Minutes
The meeting commenced following the pledge of allegiance to the former Soviet Union. A motion was made to reinsert "Allah Akhbar" into the pledge. As not deemed vital to the cause, the motion was tabled pending further review.
Comrade Palin provided a post-mortem analysis on her failed attempt at destroying the Republican Party from the inside. Using a whiteboard to chart out relevant parallels from both Newtonian physics and mathematical algorithms to help clarify her remarks, she expressed regret over the unanticipated consequences arising from intentionally coming off as a rube, citing such things as field dressing moose, shooting wolves from helicopters, making up words like "refudiate," emphasizing her hockey mom leanings and printing words on the palm of her hand prior to giving speeches as having only rendered her more charming in the eyes of the Tea Party contingent, endearing her to them. Ms. Palin was again reprimanded by the Council of Overseers for nearly exposing her true socio-political persuasion by her offhand but overly neighborly comment during the summer of 2008 regarding Alaska's proximity to Russia.
Comrade McChrystal provided a recap of his attempt to eviscerate American military chances for victory in both Iraq and Afghanistan by inciting his own forced resignation, resulting in the overstretching of General David Petraeus's capacity to handle wars on two separate fronts. "It was my easiest mission ever," he explained. "A few flippant remarks and I was history." The group gave him a hearty round of applause for his efforts and awarded him with a gold set of sickle and hammer cufflinks.
A high level status of Operation Flagpin was given. While acknowledging the flagpin controversy has waned of late, Access Czar Emanuel gave personal assurances that the Supreme Leader will permanently banish the flagpin from his apparel, forcing this hot-button issue to the forefront, thus allowing the cause's more important priorities to fly in beneath the radar of Fox News.
While the plan to seize all guns nationwide continues apace, Minister of Weaponry Ayers noted that the Supreme Leader's unbroken silence on the topic of guns since the inauguration has unfortunately incited heartland rumblings of "It's quiet out there. Too quiet." More study was called for.
The Minister of Documents announced that the forged birth certificate ruse continues to be a rousing success, augmented by the nationwide manipulation of all microfilmed Hawaiian newspapers announcing the proud birth of the future Supreme Leader in Honolulu, thus maintaining the secrecy of his actual foreign birth. A recitation of the logistics of the operation was offered before being deemed far too complex in its elaborate time-traveling and violation-of-laws-of-physics nature to be understood by mere mortals. The operations team was nonetheless congratulated for an exemplary effort.
In a similar vein, Comrade Gates submitted a post implementation review of Codename: Anointed One, the top-secret mission to implant retroactive holograph images of the Supreme Leader in Christian churches throughout the country over the last two decades, duly camouflaging his Islamic religious beliefs. An attempt to provide a detailed explanation as to how this was accomplished left committee members in a dazed state of confusion and was therefore vetoed in favor of a bullet point summary available for review at a later time. Nonetheless, a commendation was awarded to Comrade Gates, along with a six-pack of beer as an inside joke, inciting laughter all around.
The meeting adjourned at 5:14 (Moscow time) following an enthusiastic rendition of The Internationale. Pie and vodka were served.
BILL
Comrade Palin provided a post-mortem analysis on her failed attempt at destroying the Republican Party from the inside. Using a whiteboard to chart out relevant parallels from both Newtonian physics and mathematical algorithms to help clarify her remarks, she expressed regret over the unanticipated consequences arising from intentionally coming off as a rube, citing such things as field dressing moose, shooting wolves from helicopters, making up words like "refudiate," emphasizing her hockey mom leanings and printing words on the palm of her hand prior to giving speeches as having only rendered her more charming in the eyes of the Tea Party contingent, endearing her to them. Ms. Palin was again reprimanded by the Council of Overseers for nearly exposing her true socio-political persuasion by her offhand but overly neighborly comment during the summer of 2008 regarding Alaska's proximity to Russia.
Comrade McChrystal provided a recap of his attempt to eviscerate American military chances for victory in both Iraq and Afghanistan by inciting his own forced resignation, resulting in the overstretching of General David Petraeus's capacity to handle wars on two separate fronts. "It was my easiest mission ever," he explained. "A few flippant remarks and I was history." The group gave him a hearty round of applause for his efforts and awarded him with a gold set of sickle and hammer cufflinks.
A high level status of Operation Flagpin was given. While acknowledging the flagpin controversy has waned of late, Access Czar Emanuel gave personal assurances that the Supreme Leader will permanently banish the flagpin from his apparel, forcing this hot-button issue to the forefront, thus allowing the cause's more important priorities to fly in beneath the radar of Fox News.
While the plan to seize all guns nationwide continues apace, Minister of Weaponry Ayers noted that the Supreme Leader's unbroken silence on the topic of guns since the inauguration has unfortunately incited heartland rumblings of "It's quiet out there. Too quiet." More study was called for.
The Minister of Documents announced that the forged birth certificate ruse continues to be a rousing success, augmented by the nationwide manipulation of all microfilmed Hawaiian newspapers announcing the proud birth of the future Supreme Leader in Honolulu, thus maintaining the secrecy of his actual foreign birth. A recitation of the logistics of the operation was offered before being deemed far too complex in its elaborate time-traveling and violation-of-laws-of-physics nature to be understood by mere mortals. The operations team was nonetheless congratulated for an exemplary effort.
In a similar vein, Comrade Gates submitted a post implementation review of Codename: Anointed One, the top-secret mission to implant retroactive holograph images of the Supreme Leader in Christian churches throughout the country over the last two decades, duly camouflaging his Islamic religious beliefs. An attempt to provide a detailed explanation as to how this was accomplished left committee members in a dazed state of confusion and was therefore vetoed in favor of a bullet point summary available for review at a later time. Nonetheless, a commendation was awarded to Comrade Gates, along with a six-pack of beer as an inside joke, inciting laughter all around.
The meeting adjourned at 5:14 (Moscow time) following an enthusiastic rendition of The Internationale. Pie and vodka were served.
BILL
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