Drama King

When I was a senior in high school, Miss Thompson came up to me out of the blue and asked if I’d play the lead in the school stage production of “The Elephant Man.”

“Really?” I asked, excited at the prospect of a future in Hollywood. “Why me?”

“Cutbacks in makeup,” she replied.

BILL

L.A. Bill Has NEVER Gone Into The Pacific

In defending this, I cite my fear of sharks.

“But Bill,” folks say, “do you know what the odds are of being bit by a shark?”

To which I respond: “Do you know what the odds are of being bit by a shark are in my apartment?”

BILL

Seriously, Am I Missing Something Here?

To object to the U.S. announcing a pullout date out of either Iraq or Afghanistan on the grounds that doing so “emboldens terrorists” obligates one to answer this question: How do you further embolden someone already willing to strap explosives onto his body and pull a cord?

BILL

Chuckles with Brangelina

So after dessert, Brad says “Hey, do you two want to see me in my new tux?”

Sure, we say.

A minute later, he emerges, looking splendid of course but, hey, he’s Brad Pitt. Like he’s going to look ugly?

“You look hot,” Angie says. “So do you, honey,” she then says to Brad.

Angie and I laughed. That’s when Brad handed me bus fare. Oh well….

BILL

Inadvertent Soothsayer

It was my brother Smedley who broke the news to me re birds and the bees. This thoroughly repulsed ten-year old responded: “There’s no way I’m ever doing that!”

Little did I know how right I would be….

BILL

My Deep Secret

Back in the eighties when I lived in Texas I was babysitting for my cousin, mother of an unruly brat who forever caused me grief. Still, I regret slurring out these drunken words one stressed out afternoon: “You put gum in my hair one more time, little Jessica McClure, and I’ll drop you down this hole. I reckon it can’t be no more than four feet deep.”

BILL

My Fourth of July Fireworks

After my annual Independence Day poker game with my buddies, I’m going to meet up with the wife and watch the fireworks. After enduring her scalding reprimand for my gambling, the plan is she and I will watch an actual fireworks show out at the pier.

BILL

Three True Stories

When I was five, I was walking to kindergarten when my four year old neighbor asked where I was going. I told him kindergarten. “Can I come?” he asked. “I don’t see why not,” I replied and brought him to class with me. His older brother had to take him home.

When I was six, I replied “aye-aye, sir,” to my music teacher, who – unappreciative of what I thought was respectful military jargon, my grandfather having been a commander in the Navy – asked me to spend the duration of the music session outside. Knowing I was being punished, I figured he did not mean simply standing in the hallway but rather suffering in the sub zero temperatures of that January Michigan day. Which I did, much to his later dread and sincere regret.

At age seven, I willingly dove through a plate glass window.

Are you starting to see a pattern here?

BILL