Georgia On My Mind

Responding to Georgia’s recently passed legislation (The “Safe Carry Protection Act”) allowing guns in schools, airports, bars and churches (because that’s what Jesus would do), Police Chief David Lyons of Garden City said: “We’re going to Hooters now expecting everybody there has a gun. Our safety antenna is going to be up.”

(Pun intended I suppose.)

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Why I Wasn't Admitted Into Harvard Law

Having aced out at Michigan’s Pelkie University back in the day, I was asked at my interview how I felt about pro-bono work. “Pro-Bono?!” I shouted. “He doesn’t need me! He’s a singer, record producer, songwriter. Look! Maybe, maybe Cher but never Sonny!”

One of the many reasons I do the mail.

BILL

Party Disfavor

At a party I attended with my ex, Zelda, I regaled many with what I thought was an amusing anecdote, ending it with: “I swear, I can remember it as if it were yesterday.”

“It was yesterday, you idiot,” said Zelda. My ex.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

If You Can't Bake The Eats Stay Out of The Kitchen

The first time I tried to make S’mores, they came out so terrible tasting my brother Smedley called them “N’mores.”

BILL

The War on Drug

As a result of the unpredictable and outright questionable behavior of my youth, my parents were forever asking me, in the most hectoring of tones: “Are you on drugs!?” to which I would honestly respond. “No, I am not.”

(Tee-hee. I was only on one drug.)

BILL

Why Of COURSE I Smoke Camels!

But only in North Africa using my Bushmaster AR 15.

BILL

The Bill is a Lonely Hunter

While on a hunting trip once, these guys accused me of poaching, which might have offended me had I not been cooking eggs.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Time Has Come For Us To Say Sayonara

In the wake of Russia’s annexation of Crimea and no military response on the part of the United States, I fear that I am now tainted with the same accusation of weakness in which our President – and thus our country - now finds itself. I’m so depressed! My self-esteem now battered and shaken, I’ve decided to end it all. Been nice knowing you.

BILL

PS – Oh! And hold a séance to let me know if MSU takes the Final Four. Go Spartans!

Oh Holey Night

The gun with which Marvin Gaye, Sr. shot and killed his son was given to him by Marvin as a Christmas present. Mercy Mercy Me….

BILL

Bill's Rapier Wit

According to the Pentagon’s own statistics, sexual assaults in the military have risen 35% in the last few years.

Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA! USA! USA!!

BILL

"The Bill Manifesto" - Some Things Bear Repeating so Spread the Word

What follows is a renunciation of anyone professing to care about me on any level whatsoever, while simultaneously choosing to worship the landlord of the biblical vision of hell into which they believe I shall be tossed at life’s end, penalty it seems for my unspeakable sin of being both unable and unwilling to betray reason in order to take up ranks with those I shall henceforth label the “true believers.”

Specifically, if you claim membership in the aforementioned group, i.e. those who believe in the hellfire which awaits me, while also asserting to care about me, then I think it best we part ways (barring my persuading you to abandon your position).

First, however, some precision of language regarding the definitions of three terms: “hell,” “terrorist” and “torture.”

Hell is the abode of condemned souls and devils in some religions, the place of eternal punishment for the wicked after death, presided over by Satan.

(Please note that my use of the term “hell” shall lack capital letters. To do otherwise is to accord it an enhanced standing its flagrant immorality cannot begin to bear. It will therefore be written only as “hell,” the smallness of its letters reflecting the smallness of mind from which such silliness originated.)

A terrorist is one who engages in acts of terrorism, i.e. the unlawful or threatened use of force or violence to intimidate or coerce societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.

Torture is the infliction of severe physical pain as means of punishment or coercion.

The key point I shall pound home is that, within the framework of any number of religions, whatever god the true believers pray to is both a terrorist and a torturer. Not all believers, just the true believers. That is to say, they praise - key word here: praise – a torturing terrorist. The terrorist threat is hell itself, intended to intimidate or coerce me into obeisance to a deity my reasoning mind can’t help but conclude does not exist, a moral failing in the eyes of the true believers that warrants my punishment of eternal damnation. Your god – and, yes, true believers, I shall refer to him as ”your god” – is also a torturer by virtue of his inflicting severe physical pain as means of punishment or coercion, hell serving as his dungeon.

This threat of pain and suffering is what I call a “Luca Brasi choice,” named after the henchman in The Godfather who points a gun to the head of a bandleader being warned by Don Corleone that “either his brains or his signature will be on the contract.” (The bandleader signs.) At the risk – not fear, but risk – of alienating a large number of people, many of them dear to me and/or who I have known a great many years, allow me to state in writing that the true believers’ god is far worse, for he represents Luca Brasi and Don Corleone. (Talk about an offer you can’t refuse!)

Now the scriptures are quite specific as to the punishment awaiting those refusing to praise a god for which not a shred of evidence exists. The doomed are to endure – forever, mind you – the agony of burning, an immeasurable act of evil made even more gruesome by denying its victims the reprieve of “death” itself. A veritable gold standard for wanton cruelty. Should you disagree, I am absolutely positive I can persuade you differently in less than a second using just one of your fingers and a lighter. This is the type of pain that you believe your god proudly inflicts, and for which – through some grim, demented calculus – you bestow upon him your devotion in addition to the woefully ironic adjective “merciful.” (Where’s a laugh track when you truly need one?)

In keeping with pounding points home, let us pretend for the moment that we are observing a true, true, true believer peering down into the fiery bowels of hell, leaping up and down in a frenzy while screaming out his hearty approval of your god’s punishment. “Burn!! Burn, you motherfuckers!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! They’re burning!! Look!! They’re burning!! (Etc., etc.)” This not-for-the-faint-of-heart fanatic becomes so enthralled by the excruciating pain being unleashed upon the sorry inhabitants of hell that he actually unzips his pants and begins masturbating furiously, having fully succumbed to the orgy of torture playing out before his eyes. Now anyone witnessing such a spectacle would respond – and quite rightly I might add - that this person is unquestionably deranged. And yet… you worship the very god who dooms these poor souls to that same fiery pit. See an inconsistency here?

The intention of this manifesto, then, is to call out the true believers and, more importantly, to challenge the more rational minded to forgo the polite, non-confrontational ways of the past to which far too many have been so shamelessly guilty. Why shamelessly? Because for too long we, the nonbelievers, have refrained from trumpeting the harsh indictment that if you worship a deity who inflicts unending suffering upon billions of souls then you have dipped a toe into the moral cesspool of Adolf Hitler himself.

Shocked? Good. I have your attention. Keep reading; I insist. While doing so, however, concede the no-brainer that SS leader Heinrich Himmler was no less evil than Hitler, der Fuehrer simply being the more charismatic. And if you or anyone else sing the praises of someone who brags of torturing others, well… do I even have to finish this thought? This, by the way, is often referred to as the banality of evil. Echoing it somewhat, if one’s attempt to rob an establishment fails, the would be perpetrator nonetheless exists on the same moral plain as a successful thief, the former merely being the more incompetent of the two. Similarly, to deify an entity who delights in inflicting unremitting agony upon others places one on the same moral plain as the torturer. Put another way: if one agrees with this individual then, from a moral perspective, one might as well be this individual. Like an impotent man cheering on a gang rape. (Oh, I know, I know. It’s not every day you get compared to Hitler. It is every day, however, that you worship a torturing terrorist so, really, how far off can I be?)

You see, for me it’s the thought of your god, like some petulant child deprived of his toy, pounding his fists in fury over the universal praise denied him, then casting the stubborn holdouts into eternal hellfire that fuels my unqualified loathing for this purported deity. One would think that having created a universe might well have drained his bottomless reservoir of insecurity, yet simply knowing that some still refuse to jettison reason and bow to him sends him into a tizzy. There’s a word for someone who engages in such vindictive pettiness, and the word is “dickhead,” for imagine - on an infinitely smaller scale - how any of us would react to someone behaving in such a sickeningly egotistic and sadistic manner. Such a person would be roundly despised, and yet your god has been glorified through the ages for behaving in much the same way.

I ask you: could your god be any more unfair, unfeeling, spiteful or petty? It seems to me that he would come off so much more reasonable if he merely decreed that those refusing to genuflect his way would be forced to spend eternity in a rube-infested backwater of such utter dreariness that it could only be called Crabgrass, Alabama. Then, however, you would not be reading this. It is, you see, the unapologetic temper tantrum by which your god dispenses the exact same punishment to all who have fallen from favor that makes him so astoundingly vile.

Think about this. Even man, dumb though he can be - and I do not exclude myself - has grasped the moral soundness of incurring varying penalties for the killing of another human being. First degree murder, second degree, voluntary manslaughter, involuntary, etc. Indeed, most societies have codified into law that the punishment for a person who plans and executes a murder should be significantly more severe than that given to someone who inadvertently takes the life of another. Yes, even grossly fallible man has determined that the latter should not be handed a sentence equal to that given the fiend who fries up his victims’ body parts, douses them in ketchup, then devours them in front of the television. And yet… millions upon millions engage in sycophantic adoration of an allegedly wise god whose judgment is so patently askew that he casts kindly atheists into the same inferno inhabited by the likes of Joseph Stalin.

This is godlike wisdom? Disagree with me? Then have the courage to look me – far from a saint, of course - in the eye and declare: “Yes, Bill, I believe that you – despite being a man who has never harmed anyone, who walks homeless dogs at a shelter, who cares about the environment, who paid the medical bill of an impoverished stranger who had been beaten and raped, who donates to numerous charities, including the Acid Survivors Foundation, a group dedicated to helping young women somehow manage to carry on with their lives after having acid thrown into their now melted faces by – and on this I’d bet a tidy sum - deeply religious men – yes, you Bill, deserve the same unceasing anguish as gang rapists, pedophiles, serial killers and torturers. And why? Because, you Bill, refuse to prostrate yourself to he who will, upon your demise, chuck you into the same fiery hell reserved for gang rapists, pedophiles, serial killers and torturers.”

Worse, it would seem your god didn’t fully think this one through, for to allot the same punishment to each and every inhabitant of hell induces those already resolved to it being their destiny to commit more crimes during their worldly sojourn. Granting them license to kill more. To rob more. To rape more. To torture more. For how can the next world’s punishment be any worse than that which has already been promised them? (Breaking News: Death Row Inmate Kills Guard!) This glaring oversight allows the more conniving of the hell-bound to game the system, knowing that that which awaits them in the afterlife has already maxed out on the severity scale, for what could possibly be worse than burning forever? And, please, don’t blather on about how your god’s imagination can conjure up something even worse, for he would have already made this known, terrorist that he is. And, be honest, is that really something you want to be touting? No, dear reader, I’m afraid hell is an equal opportunity punishment, the sweet, elderly agnostic behind the thrift store counter paying the same ghastly toll as the deviant wretch who sodomizes helpless, wailing toddlers. For he is a wise god.

This, then, is a call to action to those who have too often bent over backwards avoiding points of contention which, if aired, might cause otherwise pleasant gatherings of family and friends to descend into argument. While civility is in most cases admirable, to remain silent in the face of such a detestable belief borders on obscene, and doing so smacks of a cowardly path of least resistance. I implore you to pledge from this day forward to refer to the god I have so described as a torturing terrorist. To do otherwise, sparing the true believers the awkward discomfort that comes when made clear to all that they swear allegiance to a torturing terrorist, is to choose not to remove another brick from a wall of ignorance, superstition and evidence-bereft myths. The time for tearing down such walls is way past due.

Yes, this polite silence ends, and for me it ends today. Who’s with me? If you are reading this and, being well-mannered, chose in the past not to “make an issue of it,” I call upon you now to make an issue of it! Call the true believers out. Point out the twisted dichotomy of those claiming with a straight face to care about you who nonetheless drop to their knees to worship a perceived entity who they sincerely believe will torture you till the end of time. It doesn’t matter that their demented lunacy never comes to pass. It is – as the saying goes – the thought that counts. Nor do their claims of love ring true, for those professing them confuse love with the warm afterglow of nostalgia, the fading wisps of whatever pleasantries the two of you might once have shared that still adhere to their memory, nothing more. Call these people on it and do not let them off the hook! Will yourself into denying them your time and attention, both of which can be reclaimed but only if they renounce – dare I say repent? - the inherent repugnancy in worshipping a torturing terrorist. Induce them to admit that for the longest time they naively fell victim to a vast delusion, one built on simpleton myths handed down like counterfeit heirlooms through generations and rendered dark and ugly by threats of unending torture solely intended to make them believe that which they have for so long taken to heart. Yes, their having fallen for this delusion can be forgiven – as I have forgiven myself - but only if they reject their previous worship and take a, yes, leap of faith, one defined by the far more comforting notion that, if indeed god exists, he does not storm about the universe, brandishing threats of the agony to be suffered by future inhabitants of hell, but rather is imbued with compassion and love. Above all, remember: you are not alone, for there are countless others who think as you do.

Should your reaction to all of this be: “But, Bill, I can’t help what I believe! I was raised this way and, try as I might, am incapable of purging such beliefs from my mind.” Granted, one does not essentially choose what to believe. One does, however, choose to worship. It is an action willfully taken, and if you have so chosen, then appreciate my disgust for both the object of your praise and for expecting me to regard as sincere your love or concern for me when you simultaneously worship someone you believe will, upon my passing, be my torturer. (And, yes, I resent that you side with something for which no proof exists, as opposed to me, so very real.)

Should you scurry for cover behind: “But, Bill, while I would never condone torture, I am but a speck in the universe, while god is, well… god! Who am I to question his ways?” Really? Then why do you pray? If you feel it worth your time and effort to send skyward appeals for his mercy, relief, justice, peace, what have you, can’t you and other true believers beseech him en masse to ratchet it down more than a bit, rendering hell’s lake of fire into something more akin to a tedious – albeit endless - weekend spent in the company of those one can barely tolerate? I would consider this far more fitting a punishment than to burn someone forever. Moreover, if heaven is indeed the bounteous reward your god has made it out to be, would not its denial be fitting punishment alone?

“But, Bill, this has been my position all along. Why are you telling me this only now?” Odd and embarrassing though it may sound, this only recently occurred to me: “Hey, wait a minute! These people say they care about me, yet worship someone who they believe is going to inflict the most horrific punishment imaginable upon me, with no distinction being made between my benign agnosticism and the premeditated evildoings of Hitler. And this is who they praise! Then who, pray tell, do they revile?” When hit by this eureka moment, I began to cobble together all of what you are now reading.

So here is what I request of you: that you stare honestly into the mirror in search of your own eureka moment and, should it come about, take that bold, willful step of rejecting that which has been spoon fed you for decades to the point of brainwashing. With reason your ally, seize the moral high ground and repudiate the barbarism of a presumed “merciful” god who tortures others, whether murderers who blowtorch their victims or atheists incapable - by dint of commonsense and reason – of finding anything moral, just or praiseworthy in someone who boasts of inflicting suffering upon others.

I must emphasize that this manifesto is not, in and of itself, a repudiation of either belief in god or adherence to what I shall broadly label religion. Neither of these is the target of my scorn (though I see little benefit and much to criticize in religion and cite lack of evidence as the key reason for doubting the existence of god). I direct this only at those who plant their flag into the province of sadism.

A final thought: if, after reading this, you still maintain your belief that a fiery hell awaits me, then know this: I do not want to know you on any level whatsoever. I don’t care who you are or how long I’ve known you. We are finished. Pun intended, you are not worthy of me, for family and friends – even if under the spell of a childish delusion – should not revere the torturer of those they profess to love. I shall instead align myself with anyone but torture-approving true believers. And, yes, there exists sufficient room for those who believe in god, just not one who revels in sadism.

Having placed my cards on the table, the time has come for you to do the same. But let me be blunt. Should you withhold from me the fact that you worship the torturing terrorist yet still claim to care about me, then know that my disrespect for you exists on three levels, not just one. One being that you worship a torturing terrorist. Two being your duplicity in not divulging that which I have requested of you. And three being your cowardice for said withholding. Know this: I don’t want to know you if your beliefs are as I have delineated them in this manifesto. And, please, spare me any lame warnings that expressing these sentiments will make me a lonely person. To that I reply: So be it, for if others, perhaps inspired by this, summon the will to do as I have, more may follow, and maybe, just maybe, a movement might begin. (Besides, how pathetic must one be to desire the company of those who kneel before the altar of a torturing terrorist?)

Should a feeble accusation of intolerance be hurled my way, hear this: “Intolerant? Not at all. You are free to live your life as you choose. I have merely made it clear that you are not welcome in my life. This is my choice to make, not yours, it being a free country.”

So do me the honor of passing this along to whomever you please. For those adamantly opposed to doing so, in a way I deem such steadfast refusal the ultimate compliment. Now crawl off and pray to your torturing terrorist.

To those of like mind, however, steel yourself in the knowledge that you are not alone, and let the movement begin….

WILLIAM P. BEKKALA
July 14 – August 6, 2012

Most People Don't Know This...

But Bill Gates and I were college roommates. When he started his company, he was low on cash and I said: “Dude, I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you name your company after a sexual problem.”

BILL

I Have Never Gotten My Shoes Shined

I have however gotten my clock cleaned on several occasions.

BILL

The Ten Most Miserable States in Which To Live

NEWS ITEM: Per a recent poll of the actual residents themselves, all ten are “red” states.

EDITORIAL: Huh! Go figure.

BILL

"I'm a Patriot!"

Frankly, I’m always a little hesitant to say this. I mean, the Nazis were big on patriotism, OK?

Oh, hell, what am I talking about? Hey, if it’s good enough for the Nazis it’s good enough for me. I’m a patriot!!!

BILL

I Need That Like a Hole In My Head

Children in homes with guns are twice as likely to commit suicide as those without.

Welllllllllllllllll… all I have to say to that is: USA! USA! USA!!!

BILL

"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Trivia

It’s a little known fact that, while recording of “El Condor Pasa,” Art Garfunkel lobbied long and hard to have the lyrics:

“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes, I would.”

Changed to:

“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail
No sh*t, Sherlock.”

Paul Simon nixed the suggestion following one of the duo’s many heated arguments.

BILL

I've Decided To Follow Jesus

Well, not really. I just want to blame all my failings on Satan.

BILL

And They Say "Dead Men Tell No Tales...."

How Steve McQueen ("12 Years a Slave") directed a film from the grave, let ALONE won Best Picture, is beyond me. Must have been the motorcycle.

BILL