Heaven Must, Indeed, Be Paradise!!

I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend eternity in the presence of someone who proudly inflicts unending torture upon billions of souls not deemed heaven-worthy? 

BILL

I Graduated From Amelia Earhart High

Unfortunately, my diploma went missing so nobody believes me.

BILL

Christmas is the time...

… when – per legend - we celebrate the birth of the man who shall toss me into the same fiery bowels of Hell as Adolf Hitler, der Fuehrer for killing six million Jews, me for refusing to praise a deity who would plunge me into the same fiery bowels of Hell as Adolf Hitler.

Oh well…

BILL

"Underdog": A Childhood Memory

When I was young, I never missed the Saturday morning cartoon “Underdog.” Even at a tender age, I felt a kinship with the plucky, cape-wearing hound. Perhaps because, like me, he was small. Or maybe because he forever had to prove himself against mightier adversaries. Then again, it could have been because my parents fed me dog food.

BILL

I Used To Work For Mrs. Fields

She fired me as head of marketing for this campaign:

“Ginger Snaps!  Movie Star Slays Six in Bloody Island Rampage”

BILL

Try This Some Time

Next time someone says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” step up and say “That would be me.”  This little gem has gotten me belly laughs at every stoning I have ever attended.

BILL

I Want My MTV! (And a Lot of Other Stuff!!)

Can anyone pinpoint when exactly – per the Declaration of Independence – our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness was misconstrued by far too many as an inalienable right to happiness per se?

BILL

The Man With No Feet: A Christmas Story

This holiday season I recall how once – mired in the self-absorbed petulance of youth – I complained about the quality of my new sneakers.   Just then, I spotted a man in a wheelchair, the stubs of his lower legs jutting prominently from the rust-adorned contraption from which he could never escape.

“Excuse me, sir,” I asked. “Am I crazy or are these the sorriest shoes you ever laid eyes on?”

“My man,” he said, his caustic laughter causing me to blush, “those are some sorry ass shoes!”

BILL

A New Low, Even By Ann Coulter Standards

Liberal Democrat though I may be and, no, I didn’t vote for the man, but sorry, I’m afraid Senator John McCain is on my list of folks who should never, ever be called – as you did recently - a “douche bag,” said waiver stemming from the fact that he served his country admirably during a contentious war, had both arms and a leg broken upon ejecting from his aircraft, nearly drowned upon landing, had his shoulder crushed by a rifle butt by his captors, was refused medical treatment at the time, was held as a prisoner of war in solitary confinement for two years, was subjected to rope bindings and repeated beatings every two hours, while at the same time was suffering from dysentery, and to this day is unable to lift his arms properly.

BILL

"4th and 45: An Altar Boy's Story"

There I was, quarterbacking my high school team in the fall of 75, undefeated record on the line in this final game of the season.  Down by six on the visitor’s 45 with three seconds on the clock, we huddled.

“A Hail Mary is our only chance!” Tubby Miller exclaimed, his pudgy face dripping sweat despite the chill November air.

“What, are you f**king crazy?” I darn near shouted, absolute shock registering on my face.

My query met a chorus of resistance from the other guys.

“OK..  If you say so,” I replied, rolling my eyes.  I knelt in prayer, clasped my hands and began:  “Hail Mary, full of grace—“

My prayer was interrupted by the harsh tweet of the referee’s whistle.  Flagged for delay of game, we ended up losing. 

BILL

Well, Herman Cain, You're Right About One Thing:

If you can’t get the job you’re looking for, it’s your fault.

BILL

I Grew Up In An Alcoholic Home

And man could this kid put it away.

BILL