I Should Have Read Them My Miranda Rights

Got up this morning to discover that all of the fruit I had purchased last night had spoiled! Yes, what would have been a splendid hat shall never be, so, no, you will not be seeing me attired in full Carmen Miranda regalia today. Screw you, Trader Joes…

BILL

2013 Winner For Best Short Subject

Two porn queens - Jenna Jameson and Sasha Grey - found publishers for their novels. (Three if you count Kim Kardashian.) This being the case, please look for “Bend It Like Bekkala” at an adult theatre near you.

BILL

PS - Or I suppose you could simply go to this link: http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

For the second time, Scarlett Johansson has been named the “sexiest woman alive” by Esquire magazine. Evidently, I came in second. While oddly flattered, I called Esquire, telling them outright that I am not a woman.

“But you’re just so darn sexy,” they replied. “And you are alive.”

Oh well…

BILL

If It Bleeds, It Leads; If She's Cute, We Don't Mute!

NEWS ITEM: A Colorado judge ordered the partial release of grand jury documents related to the 1996 unsolved slaying of 6-year-old beauty queen Jon-Benet Ramsey.

EDITORIAL: Good God, why couldn’t this poor child have been ugly, sparing us the useless onslaught of these stories?

BILL

Turnin' Coffee

The New England Journal of Medicine reported today that drinking two or more cups of coffee a day has a salutary effect on one’s body. They acknowledged however that – history being a guide – there is a 50-50 chance that future findings will contradict today’s report and coffee will once again be deemed detrimental to one’s health.

BILL

The Daze of Whine and Rubes (Part 2)

(A Follow Up to Yesterday's Offering)

Silly me. I forgot! These are two entirely different situations. With Afghanistan and Iraq we were killing people as opposed to trying to help them. And when it comes to killing, well, “quitting” just ain’t right.

I can be so dense.

BILL

The Daze of Whine and Rubes

As the floodgates open re the problems arising with the debut of Obamacare, dare I ask the naysayers: Where was all your shamelessly weak-kneed, embarrassingly defeatist, wave-the-white-flag-of-surrender, cower-at-the-first-hint-of-trouble, “can’t do” spirit when we could have really used it: like in Iraq or Afghanistan?

BILL

The Unfair Power of a Gaffe

During a trip to Austria in 1975, 62-year old – I’ll say it again: 62 year old - President Gerald Ford slipped on the steps while deplaning Air Force One, sliding all the way to the ground in front of the International press. Aided by SNL’s Chevy Chase’s subsequent portrayal of him as a klutz, the clumsy oaf persona of Gerald Ford was born, relegating to trivia the fact that while attending the University of Michigan, Ford played center and linebacker for the school’s football team, helping the Wolverines to undefeated seasons and national titles in 1932 and 1933.

BILL

The "Chicken" Has Come Home to Boast

When I was a kid, we relentlessly bullied our pintsized neighbor Sal Minella for refusing to sled down Suicide Hill like the rest of us. I can still recall our merciless taunts which spread like a virus: “Chicken!! Chicken!!”

“I hate you, you bastards!” Sal would scream. “And I’ll get each and every one of you one day! You won’t even see me coming! You’re all gonna die!” We just laughed.

Sal Minella. What a goof.

Seems I’m the only one left of the old gang….

BILL

Good News and Bad News

Received my latest pay check at work. “Wow! That’s a lot of zeros!” I said excitedly, just before realizing it was all zeros.

BILL

Clearly I Watch Too Much Football

Every time I see 1983’s Star Wars episode “Return of the Jedi,” I think Jabba the Hutt – the villainous blob imprisoning Princess Leia – should be named “Jabba the – CHECK! Black-59-razor! Black-59-razor! Hut-hut-HUTT!

BILL

More Tales of Film Piracy

I guess it’s obvious to everyone now that I, indeed, failed my audition to play one of the Somali pirates in “Captain Phillips.” Evidently my “Arrrrrrrrrr.... shiver me timbers” growl did not sit well with the producers. Would have been nice to work with Tom Hanks. Bummer.

BILL

I Banged Into Actress Cathy Bates!

“I’m your number one fan,” I said. It did not sit well with her. In fact, I think it caused her misery. BILL

24-Hour Pain Release

Fact: I have not had a headache in twenty years. As for causing them, well, that’s a different story.

BILL

Insert Deadpan Steven Wright Delivery Here:

The other day I renewed my membership to the Flat Earth Society. I was in orbit at the time.

BILL

Meat Me At The Theatre

Bummer. Someone bought me tickets to Oscar Wilde’s play “Salome.” It was about King Herod and John The Baptist. I thought it was about an Italian delicatessen.

BILL

My Position on The Band Chicago

While a fan of Chicago’s first album’s single “Questions 67 and 68” I must say I always felt Question 69 to be the more probing query.

BILL

Mama Mia!!

I’ve been described by friends as “cantankerous” and “curmudgeonly.” My Mom simply calls me “a dick.”

BILL

A Novel Approach

In the interest of boosting sales, I’m rewriting “City of Seven Rivers” so that those aboard the Enola Gay are vampires.

Sincerely,

BILL KARDASHIAN (my new penname)

Talk About Accepting The Things You Can’t Change...

There’s something inherently ironic - if not tragic - about the number of smokers huddled outside AA meetings just prior to things getting underway.

BILL

I Was One Wild Cat!

Back when I attended the University of Kentucky I was asked to leave when higher ups learned I had suggested we change our school nickname to the Jelly.

BILL