My Mom Used To Wash My Mouth Out With Soap

Joke’s on you, Mom. Not only do I still swear but my favorite song is “Tiny Bubbles.”

BILL

In a Galaxy Far, Far Away....

… I wonder if the bible for other planets starts with “In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth” or if it’s customized for each planet? You know. “In the beginning God created the heavens and the Xorac?”

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

If There's Such Thing as Reincarnation...

… I’d like to come back as Hitler’s dog, just so I can piss on his carpet.

BILL

OK, Now THAT Was a Surprise!

Picked up a bottle of vino from the Coppola Winery and it came with a complimentary horse’s head.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

When I was in the FBI Witness Protection Program...

… I visited the “Cheers” bar – of 90s TV sitcom fame - in Boston. It was one of the most unsettling experiences of my life.

BILL

Doing Somethin' Stupid in The Summer Of Love

When I was a lad I just loved the Frank and (daughter) Tina Sinatra hit “Somethin’ Stupid.” “I wanna sing Somethin’ Stupid!” I would say time and again, to which my brother Smedley would reply: “Every song you sing is something stupid.”

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Fault in Our Bars

I always thought “drunken Irishman” was redundant. I can say this because, in point of fact, I’m part Irish.

(Oh! And I’m a drunk.)

BILL



Twitter: @BillBekkala

Dumb Ass With Texas

Dear Governor Rick Perry: Since you assert that gays can (essentially) be encouraged into not being gay, I’m wondering if you feel you could be coached into being gay? And if not, why not?

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Letter To The Editor - 6/17/14 Los Angeles Times

I well recall the day 41 years ago when I first heard radio host Casey Kasem, his warmly hypnotic voice so exuding the equally warm and comforting notion that music can and does bring people together.

A decade later, in March 1983, I would have a long-distance dedication (“Beautiful Noise”) aired on “American Top 40” for a close friend. While that Neil Diamond song is an homage to the wondrously chaotic “noise” of a city street, I could never in good conscience use such a term when describing the voice of Kasem.

For that, I can only use “sound.” That beautiful sound.

Rest in peace, Casey.

William P. Bekkala

Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Chuck Noll and Deejay Casey Kasem

Both died recently. One of them dedicated his professional life to hits and smashes ”coast-to-coast.” The other hosted American Top 40.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King."

Sadly, however, the three-eyed man pretty much remains relegated to the status of a freak.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Never Start a Sentence With The Word "And"

And if I have to explain why then you’re a fucking idiot.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Daddy, what's "irony" mean?

Irony, son, would be an assault rifle shooting spree at the studios of FOX News.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

An Open Letter to the Media:

Unless the body count exceeds twenty, please stop pestering me with your noisome rampage killing stories (Isla Vista, Seattle Pacific, Las Vegas, etc.). They are so 1995. Besides, it distracts me from keeping up with the Kardashians.

BILL

PS: Oh! (Almost forgot.) USA!! USA!! USA!!!


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Open Mouth Advocates I Beseech Thee!

Inspired by the actions of the Open Carry advocates who assert that – in their words: “A Right Unexercised is a Right Lost” - might I ask each of you when at a fast food restaurant and some of these rubes come in, after they place their order and set their assault rifle on the booth seat beside them, walk up to them and exercise your right to free speech by standing there and uttering the word “Guadalupe” repeatedly. Yes, I mean just stand proudly three feet away and – inspired by their example of exercising one’s constitutional rights – utter repeatedly:

“Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe!”

Then hope they get the point that just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should do it….

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

That Great Tom Joad speech from 1940's "The Grapes of Wrath"

“Wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready, and when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise and livin' in the houses they build - I'll be there, too. And if there’s a box of donuts lyin’ about, you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be there, too. “

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

What Kind of Wood Doesn't Float?

Petrified Bulgarian Astor wood. Known for its particularly high density, when submerged in water, it nevertheless possesses a strong ability for absorption rarely found in nature that causes it to sink at a surprisingly brisk pace.

BILL

Cc: Natalie Wood

Ashes to Ashes: A Childhood Memory

It was on the windblown bluffs of Brockway Mountain Drive in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula that this eight year old boy heard his father say, “Yup, this is where I want my ashes scattered.”

“Right here?” I inquired, gazing out across what I had heard my father refer to several times as “God’s country.”

“Right here,” Dad said, pulling over to the side and stopping the car. My father got out and strolled near the edge of one of the rocky bluffs, staring lovingly over the verdant land below. I took this as my cue and pulled the ashtray from the car and proceeded to empty the contents just beside my cigarette-sucking father. Just then, an unruly gust of wind blew the bulk of the ashes directly into Dad’s face.

Man, was he pissed.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Call Me Crazy But...

… I think they should serve pork chops and applesauce at the wake of actress Ann B. Davis (Alice of “The Brady Bunch”). Then again I’m the guy who got drunk at Betty Ford’s wake.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Draught Joke

The Wisers – husband and wife – were stunned at the unfeeling ruthlessness of the playground, learning as they just had that the other kids his age had nicknamed their firstborn “Bud.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala