Help! I Need Some Earplugs! Help! Not Just Any Earplugs!

It’s a little known fact that, upon hearing the Yoko Ono sung portions of his 1980 “Double Fantasy” album, former Beatle John Lennon uttered: “Just shoot me.”

BILL

Prison Break You Say??? Sheet!!!

During my days at Folsom, my cellmate Biff managed to pry open the window bars, allowing us sufficient space to squeeze out of our cells, freedom a mere thirty feet down. “Now all we need are some sheets,” he said.

“How many will we need?” I asked.

“I figure four at least.”

“God, you’re stupid,” I replied. “That’s not gonna be enough padding for us to jump onto.”

BILL

What Can I Say? We Were a Bunch of Saps...

Circa 1973, I, my brother and pals made our own maple syrup, huffing it through the north woods snow to poke trees, then checking and rechecking the slowly filling “buckets” positioned just below each “spigot,” then spending endless hours boiling down the sap, all the while regaling each other with naughty jokes around the nighttime camp fire in the backyard.

Alas, when we finally got around to pouring - what had tasted so delicious at the end of our dipped fingers - over pancakes at home, we all went: “This sucks! Give me the Aunt Jemimah.”

BILL

K9 Tales From The Harvard Yard

It is, indeed, a fact that actor Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates at Harvard. Lesser known is that the future Senator once lost Tommy’s beloved dog, Scamp, when taking the poodle out for a walk. Upon hearing this news, a desperate Tommy gathered up as many dorm pals as he could and uttered the following:

“Alright, listen up, people. My dog has been on the run for thirty minutes. Average paw speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of two miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and – most especially - doghouse in that area. My dog’s name is Scamp. Go get him!”

BILL

Feel Free to Mark Twain As SECOND Prettiest

Unless I am mistaken, this marks the first time in history that Shania Twain is the second most beautiful face in a photograph. BILL

Scattershot Logic

While deeply disturbed over last week’s Sandy Hook massacre, I nonetheless refuse to give up my cache of semi-automatic weapons and thirty-plus round magazine clips in the event my militia mates and I must take up arms against the rattlesnake ways of big government. Vigilance trumps a twenty-plus pile of six-year olds.

(Oh! And Obama is a Muslim.)

BILL

Top Ten Liberal Democrat Killing Rampages:

#10
#9
#8
#7
#6
#5
#4
#3
#2
#1

BILL

"Uncle Clyde": A Childhood Memory

A memorable moment from my childhood was that of an obscure relative showing up at our home unannounced late one night, sweaty, panting and hungry as a wolf. Dad – ever solicitous - gave the heavily tattooed fellow a hot meal and forty-three bucks straight from his wallet before hustling him out the door, informing me later that our hurried visitor was, in fact, a doctor. This I had already gathered, having spotted the prominent “DOC” emblazoned across the back of “Uncle Clyde’s” orange jumpsuit.

BILL

Now Airing on Lifetime:

Life of Pie: The Marie Callender Story.

BILL

Milk and Twinkies

Just think: If Hostess had gone under in 1978, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk might still be alive. (Not!!)

BILL

PS – If you don’t get this, you really need to read a little more often.

Monkey Business

To me the most surprising aspect of a recent Stanford study was not the lab’s discovery that rhesus monkeys much preferred Danish butter-sugar cookies over cocaine, but that whenever deprived of them for an inordinate amount of time, the monkeys invariably started yelling: “Goddam it, what the fuck is going on here?! Give us more cookies!!!”

BILL

I'm As Pro-Police As The Next Guy

But having read a major metropolitan newspaper for thirty years, I have to say: Cops sure are fond of the “He was grabbing for his waistband” defense.

BILL

Top 8 Signs Your Child is Cheating (Web Article)

1. Stressed out about school.

2. Doesn't test well.

3. Fears failing you.

4. School a pressure cooker.

5. Has too much on plate.

6. Complains about unfair teachers.

7. Grades all over the place.

8. Smartphone is practically an appendage.

Now when I read this I was positive the number one clue was going to be: “You know your boy is an idiot but he keeps getting A’s.”)

BILL

"You have a real exotic look about you," she said.

I replied with a coy yet confident smile.

“Well, not exotic in as much as a bit strange,” she continued.

She paused once again, before uttering her humbling finale: “I guess what I’m trying to say is: you’re weird looking.”

BILL

The Critics Agree!!

“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bottle” is the funniest movie in years!

“I was drunk with laughter,” says Kenneth Turan of The Los Angeles Times.

“I died laughing,” said Gene Siskel.

BILL

My Filmic Masterpiece

EXT. A REMOTE WOODED CABIN – NIGHT

Moonlight shimmers through smoke floating lazily upward from the chimney of a rustic cabin. An orange glow from inside bleeds through the frayed drapes of the cabin’s lone window.

INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Three unshaven lumberjacks, each in long-johns, play cards, their body language evincing boredom. One tosses his cards onto the table. Numerous empty cans of baked beans surround the trio, several atop a potbelly stove.

LUMBERJACK #1
What say we light up our farts?

LUMBERJACK #2
You can actually do that?

LUMBERJACK #1
Sure! Watch…

He reaches for his matches.

EXT. THE REMOTE WOODED CABIN – NIGHT

The cabin explodes, splintering into a million fragments. A colossal fireball rises into the night sky, leaving behind the flaming remnants of what was once a hunting cabin.

THE END

It's Official AND Verified

Granted, it took several days, but my Washington sources – all on deep background - have confirmed that, during the entire time Sandy was unleashing her wrath upon the Eastern seaboard, Obama was wearing his flag pin.

Looks like we dodged a bullet there, folks.

BILL

Happiness is a Clean Shower

True happiness is someone else having to clean it.

BILL

When You Find Yourself in a Hole, Stop Digging

Unless of course you dig all the way to China, in which case you can emerge from that hole, go all the way back to the first hole, look down into it and proudly exclaim: “Hey, look y’all! I done dug me a hole all the way to China!”

BILL

Yes, I HAVE Herded Cats

And it is surprisingly easy to do. I’ve done it dozens of times with several felines, my boisterous “yee-haws!!” managing to corral them as needed. So next time someone says: “Man, that’s gonna be like herding cats,” look them square in the eye and say, “Well, mister, I happen to know someone’s who’s herded cats, so from where I’m standing, I’d say you’re full of shit.”

BILL

Jury Prudence

Next time someone bemoans jury duty, say to them: “Tell me about it. Wouldn’t it be great if we lived in a country where people charged with crimes could simply be rounded up and hauled off to jail without a trial by a jury of their peers?”

BILL

Been Naughty

You know, when the whole David Petraeus resignation story broke, I immediately figured he was simply falling on his sword over the Benghazi incident. Now it turns out it was his sword that got him into trouble in the first place.

BILL

A Nation Has Spoken

Now we can only hope that – per his wishes – onetime rocker Ted Nugent either dies or lands in jail.*

BILL

*"If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year."

I'm Moving to Alaska!!!

To earn a living, I’m going to sell bumper stickers reading:

“If You’re Not Part of The Aleutians, You’re Part of The Problem.”

BILL

FOX News's Sean Hannity and I Are in Complete Agreement!!!

Dear GOP – Do not deviate from your core principles. Stay the course!

William P. Bekkala
Registered Democrat

Fairness Doctrine

OK, I’ll admit it. I didn’t know who was going to win the election so I had two limericks waiting on the tarmac. Here’s what would have gone out last Wednesday had things gone differently:

There once was a man named Barack,
Who shined best when it came time to talk.
Folks swooned at his prose
But the voters arose
And on Tuesday they told him to walk.

BILL

I Can't Believe I'm Defending Karl Rove

I was watching Fox Tuesday night when Karl Rove disputed their war room’s calling of Ohio for Obama, putting the President over the 270 electoral top. I have to say, I’m stunned by the reaction there has been to Rove, who politely, soberly and rationally stated that he thought this call was simply being made a tad early on the most pivotal state in the election. That’s all he was saying! Moreover, his reasons were sound. When co-anchor Megyn Kelly – who did a terrific job by the way - ventured back to the in house experts and had them explain their rationale, this pretty much assuaged Rove. End of story, right?

Wrong! Now I’m reading headlines about his “melt down,” etc. Excuse me? It was far from it. And I’m no fan of Rove! But the guy’s no dummy. At the time he spoke up, Obama’s Ohio lead was shrinking in real time and there were many uncounted areas remaining. Rove’s was a perfectly logical point. Yes, it turned out he was wrong, as these areas were solidly Democratic, but that’s beside the point.

Melt down??? Please. That’s embarrassing. In fact, I’m now going to register Republican.

(OK, I’m lying about that last part…)

BILL

Wham!! It Just Hit Me!

Why can’t Catholics dance?

“Guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

BILL

PS – I’m a former altar boy, so I can say that joke. It’s in our charter.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

There once was a Mormon named Mitt
Whose chameleon-like ways never quit
In the end, this said mission
To change his position
Amounted to nothing but shit.

BILL

"Believe in America"

But keep your money in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying taxes.

BILL

Hades Ribs Are Delicious!!!

Call me crazy, but common sense alone tells me that the barbeque in hell has got to be way better than that served up in heaven.

BILL

Conventional "Wisdom"

“President Obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans and heal the planet. My promise...is to help you and your family.” Like maybe these families?

BILL

What's Bad For The Goose....

The quote from Republican – as if I had to tell you that - Indiana Senator Richard Mourdock was: “Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen."

If indeed his domain over the universe is without limits, then I would think God feels much the same regarding migraine headaches and male impotence. Senator Mourdock, what say you take your own advice and banish forever from your medicine cabinet your Maximum Strength Excedrin and your little white pills?

BILL

Blowhards All

Scientists predicted the storm currently wreaking havoc along the eastern seaboard.

They’re also predicting future climate change.

But what do scientists know?

BILL

Final Words: A Son's Memory

I smile every time I recall the last words I would ever utter to my father. It was three summers ago when, with suitcase in hand, I turned back to him from behind the security glass before stepping onto the tarmac at a remote Upper Michigan airport.

“I love you,” I mouthed.

Dad smiled, nodding his head, pleased and perhaps even comforted by my words.

“Oh! And you still owe me five bucks!”

BILL

My Novel Is a HUGE Hit With Oprah's Book Club!!

And on national television, Ms. Winfrey wielded her nail-spiked club in viselike hands, repeatedly smashing my book to smithereens, clamoring to the mob-like studio audience cheering her on with rabid gusto: “What I wouldn’t give to have this book be the head of the author who spawned such trash.”

Oh well…

BILL

NEWS ITEM: Trump Offers $5 Million if Obama Releases Records

By now I can only conclude that Donald Trump has a crush on Barack Obama. I mean, we’re into fixation territory. (Hey, there was a lady in college I wrote and talked about all the time, so it takes one to know one. But I was 19 going on 14, so at least I had an excuse.)

So my advice to you, Donald, is this: just call The White House at (202) 456-1414, ask to speak to the President and – if by some miracle they put you through - say “Mr. President, I really like you. Could we like, maybe, you know, go out for a soda or something?”

BILL

Cc: Donald Trump

It Must Drive Lance Armstrong Absolutely NUTS...

… knowing that he has won as many Tour de France titles as Rosie O’Donnell.

BILL

The Day Bill Tied One On

Prior to my father’s memorial service I realized that I had forgotten to bring a tie so, yes, I ended up stealing one from a dead guy. Only now am I truly embarrassed by this, because the tie I stole was the one he was actually wearing while inside the coffin.

BILL

A Heartbreaking Truth

In the wayward days of my youth, I was – to put it simply – a “petty thief.” Yes, prone to thin-skinned moments of ill-temper by even the slightest thing, I also enjoyed stealing shit.

BILL

Could THIS Have Been What Did In Beach Boy Dennis Wilson?

If I found myself this close to being sucked down into a swirling vortex of water and the only person within arm’s reach of a rope was named Rhonda, I’m fairly certain I could not bring myself to summon her for assistance.

BILL

That's Desert Island! Not DESSERT Island!!!

I’m not saying we as a nation are getting fatter, but if they made “Star Wars” today, the characters would be named Luke Frytaker, Chubacon and Obese-Wants-Cannoli.

BILL

Family of Four, Two of Whom Are Insane

The government defines the poverty line as income of $22,314 a year for a family of four. Bill defines having a family when earning only $22,314 a sign of mental illness.

BILL

My New Lance Armstrong Bracelets Are In!!!

“LieStrong”

BILL

On My Next Visit To My Dermatologist...

… I shall ask Dr. Skinner if perhaps I am prone to excessive perspiration. I mention this because I cannot tell you how many times when women pass by me, I hear trailing off in the distance: “Man, is that guy hot!”

BILL

Granted, I Did Not Attend West Point

But if we’re “winning the war on terror,” how come – to quote others - terror hasn’t surrendered? Moreover, if the mightiest fighting force on the face of the earth, which has I believe the defense budget of the next 13 countries combined (or some crazy number like that) has yet to defeat the enemy after over a decade fighting it, why would I ever expect that “victory” is coming anytime soon?

Just asking…

BILL

In The Wake of My Father's Death

I wanted to convey my heartfelt thanks to all who showed concern during this difficult time. Your cards, your letters, your words of comfort, all of these have made me appreciate the fact that so many of you – some perhaps from the bitter sting of experience - truly understand the pain that accompanies the sad discovery that one’s last remaining parent died with hardly any money at all.

BILL

A Recent Photo of Me

In answer to numerous requests, I am posting a recent photo. (Yes, I have done away with these rather unflattering glasses.) Thank you for your interest.

BILL

The NFL Refs Are Back!!!

And not only did they get a hearty welcome from the Baltimore fans last night, but who could not be moved by the sportsmanship shown by Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis when he bent down to pick up and hand back to back judge Jerry Henderson his red-tipped cane when the veteran referee dropped it.

BILL

My Punch Line

I told a woman recently that she looked like actress Anne Hathaway but without the same lovely eyes and smile.

(My nose is healing nicely the doctor says.)

BILL

Turnabout is Foreplay

I once went into a head shop and was given free tobacco.

I immediately hurried to the nearest tobacco shop.

BILL

Kiddie Corn

I recognize this as woefully presumptive on my part but I can never escape thinking that those who write books for children do so only because they are incapable of writing them for adults.

BILL

If You Changed Just Three Little Letters...

… Lee Ann Womack’s 2000 country crossover hit would be so less inspiring if it were entitled: “I Hope You Drown.”

“I hope you never lose your sense of blunder.
And the next time you go swimming you go under…”

BILL

If You Believe in Forever

While, true, they have one “helluva” band in heaven, most all of the musicians are so coked up that even their rehearsals suck. I have this on good authority. OK, God spoke to me on this very topic, telling me that far, far too often he is relegated to clamping his hands over his ears and shouting: “Please, for the love of Christ, will you people stop?! Please, just stop?!”

Pretty sad…

BILL

The Argument Against Global Warming/Climate Change...

… is that it is done to “scare people.” Really? For starters, I think global warming is happening, my reasons for thinking this stemming from peer reviewed science and the lack of even a single foreign or domestic science academy of any weight offering a dissenting opinion on the matter. You know, stupid reasons.

But as for the “scare” tactic. Sorry, fellas, it doesn’t “scare” me. Back to the drawing board. (We’ll ignore for this email the assumption on your part that there is a certain contingent of people who enjoy going through life scaring people. “What do you do, Bob? I work in the sports medicine industry. And you?” “Oh, you know, I pretty much just like to scare people.”)

BILL

No Wonder I've Been So Cranky of Late

My doctor informs me my irritable bowel syndrome has spread throughout my entire body.

BILL

Mitt Quote:

“President Obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans and heal the planet. MY promise...is to help you and your family.”

And here’s how he does it:

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/greed-and-debt-the-true-story-of-mitt-romney-and-bain-capital-20120829

Don't Judge Mitt Till You Walk in His Shoes

"The Roots of Obama's Rage"

A book exists with this actual title. Hey, you know my politics. I’m sure I’d disagree with its thesis. That stated, however, I share the author’s concerns with regards to the title, for if there is a quality that singularly defines Barack Obama more than any other, it is rage. Spit-soaked, vein-bursting rage.

BILL

Don't Worry Lance, "Armstrong" Will Always Be a Hero In MY Book

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

I am overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness these days whenever I hear a Whitney Houston song. “What a loss,” I quietly say to myself, shaking my head and dwelling as I always do on the fact that if I had been the one to find the body, maybe I could have taken all the drugs in the room and fled before anyone noticed.

BILL

The Law is The Law!!!!

From now on, whenever people I know who call illegal immigrants “illegals,” get a speeding ticket, I’m going to start calling them “illegals.”

BILL

George Herbert Walker Bush's War Story

Enlisting in the Navy the day after Pearl Harbor, George HW Bush was piloting a bomber in 1944 when intense anti-aircraft fire caused his plane to catch fire. Despite a burning airplane, Bush managed to complete his attack, bombing his target and scoring several damaging hits. With his aircraft still on fire, the young pilot made sure all others aboard bailed out before he, too, finally jumped. He then waited in the shark-inhabited waters of the Pacific for hours in an inflated raft, before being rescued by the submarine USS Finback.

In later years, he would suffer charges of being a “wimp,” contrasted against the mighty Ronald Reagan, who spent the entire war stateside making several Hollywood movies.

BILL

Holy Smoke

If ever someone invokes the phrase “God helps those who help themselves” as basis for denying you help, remind them that this phrase is found nowhere in the bible.

BILL

In The Spirit of "Where's The Birth Certificate?"

Let me be the first to ask: “Where are the tax returns?”

BILL

THE BILL MANIFESTO

What follows is a renunciation of anyone professing to care about me on any level whatsoever, while simultaneously choosing to worship the landlord of the biblical vision of hell into which they believe I shall be tossed at life’s end, penalty it seems for my unspeakable sin of being both unable and unwilling to betray reason in order to take up ranks with those I shall henceforth label the “true believers.”

Specifically, if you claim membership in the aforementioned group, i.e. those who believe in the hellfire which awaits me, while also asserting to care about me, then I think it best we part ways (barring my persuading you to abandon your position).

First, however, some precision of language regarding the definitions of three terms: “hell,” “terrorist” and “torture.”

Hell is the abode of condemned souls and devils in some religions, the place of eternal punishment for the wicked after death, presided over by Satan.

(Please note that my use of the term “hell” shall lack capital letters. To do otherwise is to accord it an enhanced standing its flagrant immorality cannot begin to bear. It will therefore be written only as “hell,” the smallness of its letters reflecting the smallness of mind from which such silliness originated.)

A terrorist is one who engages in acts of terrorism, i.e. the unlawful or threatened use of force or violence to intimidate or coerce societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.

Torture is the infliction of severe physical pain as means of punishment or coercion.

The key point I shall pound home is that, within the framework of any number of religions, whatever god the true believers pray to is both a terrorist and a torturer. Not all believers, just the true believers. That is to say, they praise - key word here: praise – a torturing terrorist. The terrorist threat is hell itself, intended to intimidate or coerce me into obeisance to a deity my reasoning mind can’t help but conclude does not exist, a moral failing in the eyes of the true believers that warrants my punishment of eternal damnation. Your god – and, yes, true believers, I shall refer to him as ”your god” – is also a torturer by virtue of his inflicting severe physical pain as means of punishment or coercion, hell serving as his dungeon.

This threat of pain and suffering is what I call a “Luca Brasi choice,” named after the henchman in The Godfather who points a gun to the head of a bandleader being warned by Don Corleone that “either his brains or his signature will be on the contract.” (The bandleader signs.) At the risk – not fear, but risk – of alienating a large number of people, many of them dear to me and/or who I have known a great many years, allow me to state in writing that the true believers’ god is far worse, for he represents Luca Brasi and Don Corleone. (Talk about an offer you can’t refuse!)

Now the scriptures are quite specific as to the punishment awaiting those refusing to praise a god for which not a shred of evidence exists. The doomed are to endure – forever, mind you – the agony of burning, an immeasurable act of evil made even more gruesome by denying its victims the reprieve of “death” itself. A veritable gold standard for wanton cruelty. Should you disagree, I am absolutely positive I can persuade you differently in less than a second using just one of your fingers and a lighter. This is the type of pain that you believe your god proudly inflicts, and for which – through some grim, demented calculus – you bestow upon him your devotion in addition to the woefully ironic adjective “merciful.” (Where’s a laugh track when you truly need one?)

In keeping with pounding points home, let us pretend for the moment that we are observing a true, true, true believer peering down into the fiery bowels of hell, leaping up and down in a frenzy while screaming out his hearty approval of your god’s punishment. “Burn!! Burn, you motherfuckers!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! They’re burning!! Look!! They’re burning!! (Etc., etc.)” This not-for-the-faint-of-heart fanatic becomes so enthralled by the excruciating pain being unleashed upon the sorry inhabitants of hell that he actually unzips his pants and begins masturbating furiously, having fully succumbed to the orgy of torture playing out before his eyes. Now anyone witnessing such a spectacle would respond – and quite rightly I might add - that this person is unquestionably deranged. And yet… you worship the very god who dooms these poor souls to that same fiery pit. See an inconsistency here?

The intention of this manifesto, then, is to call out the true believers and, more importantly, to challenge the more rational minded to forgo the polite, non-confrontational ways of the past to which far too many have been so shamelessly guilty. Why shamelessly? Because for too long we, the nonbelievers, have refrained from trumpeting the harsh indictment that if you worship a deity who inflicts unending suffering upon billions of souls then you have dipped a toe into the moral cesspool of Adolf Hitler himself.

Shocked? Good. I have your attention. Keep reading; I insist. While doing so, however, concede the no-brainer that SS leader Heinrich Himmler was no less evil than Hitler, der Fuehrer simply being the more charismatic. And if you or anyone else sing the praises of someone who brags of torturing others, well… do I even have to finish this thought? This, by the way, is often referred to as the banality of evil. Echoing it somewhat, if one’s attempt to rob an establishment fails, the would be perpetrator nonetheless exists on the same moral plain as a successful thief, the former merely being the more incompetent of the two. Similarly, to deify an entity who delights in inflicting unremitting agony upon others places one on the same moral plain as the torturer. Put another way: if one agrees with this individual then, from a moral perspective, one might as well be this individual. Like an impotent man cheering on a gang rape. (Oh, I know, I know. It’s not every day you get compared to Hitler. It is every day, however, that you worship a torturing terrorist so, really, how far off can I be?)

You see, for me it’s the thought of your god, like some petulant child deprived of his toy, pounding his fists in fury over the universal praise denied him, then casting the stubborn holdouts into eternal hellfire that fuels my unqualified loathing for this purported deity. One would think that having created a universe might well have drained his bottomless reservoir of insecurity, yet simply knowing that some still refuse to jettison reason and bow to him sends him into a tizzy. There’s a word for someone who engages in such vindictive pettiness, and the word is “dickhead,” for imagine - on an infinitely smaller scale - how any of us would react to someone behaving in such a sickeningly egotistic and sadistic manner. Such a person would be roundly despised, and yet your god has been glorified through the ages for behaving in much the same way.

I ask you: could your god be any more unfair, unfeeling, spiteful or petty? It seems to me that he would come off so much more reasonable if he merely decreed that those refusing to genuflect his way would be forced to spend eternity in a rube-infested backwater of such utter dreariness that it could only be called Crabgrass, Alabama. Then, however, you would not be reading this. It is, you see, the unapologetic temper tantrum by which your god dispenses the exact same punishment to all who have fallen from favor that makes him so astoundingly vile.

Think about this. Even man, dumb though he can be - and I do not exclude myself - has grasped the moral soundness of incurring varying penalties for the killing of another human being. First degree murder, second degree, voluntary manslaughter, involuntary, etc. Indeed, most societies have codified into law that the punishment for a person who plans and executes a murder should be significantly more severe than that given to someone who inadvertently takes the life of another. Yes, even grossly fallible man has determined that the latter should not be handed a sentence equal to that given the fiend who fries up his victims’ body parts, douses them in ketchup, then devours them in front of the television. And yet… millions upon millions engage in sycophantic adoration of an allegedly wise god whose judgment is so patently askew that he casts kindly atheists into the same inferno inhabited by the likes of Joseph Stalin.

This is godlike wisdom? Disagree with me? Then have the courage to look me – far from a saint, of course - in the eye and declare: “Yes, Bill, I believe that you – despite being a man who has never harmed anyone, who walks homeless dogs at a shelter, who cares about the environment, who paid the medical bill of an impoverished stranger who had been beaten and raped, who donates to numerous charities, including the Acid Survivors Foundation, a group dedicated to helping young women somehow manage to carry on with their lives after having acid thrown into their now melted faces by – and on this I’d bet a tidy sum - deeply religious men – yes, you Bill, deserve the same unceasing anguish as gang rapists, pedophiles, serial killers and torturers. And why? Because, you Bill, refuse to prostrate yourself to he who will, upon your demise, chuck you into the same fiery hell reserved for gang rapists, pedophiles, serial killers and torturers.”

Worse, it would seem your god didn’t fully think this one through, for to allot the same punishment to each and every inhabitant of hell induces those already resolved to it being their destiny to commit more crimes during their worldly sojourn. Granting them license to kill more. To rob more. To rape more. To torture more. For how can the next world’s punishment be any worse than that which has already been promised them? (Breaking News: Death Row Inmate Kills Guard!) This glaring oversight allows the more conniving of the hell-bound to game the system, knowing that that which awaits them in the afterlife has already maxed out on the severity scale, for what could possibly be worse than burning forever? And, please, don’t blather on about how your god’s imagination can conjure up something even worse, for he would have already made this known, terrorist that he is. And, be honest, is that really something you want to be touting? No, dear reader, I’m afraid hell is an equal opportunity punishment, the sweet, elderly agnostic behind the thrift store counter paying the same ghastly toll as the deviant wretch who sodomizes helpless, wailing toddlers. For he is a wise god.

This, then, is a call to action to those who have too often bent over backwards avoiding points of contention which, if aired, might cause otherwise pleasant gatherings of family and friends to descend into argument. While civility is in most cases admirable, to remain silent in the face of such a detestable belief borders on obscene, and doing so smacks of a cowardly path of least resistance. I implore you to pledge from this day forward to refer to the god I have so described as a torturing terrorist. To do otherwise, sparing the true believers the awkward discomfort that comes when made clear to all that they swear allegiance to a torturing terrorist, is to choose not to remove another brick from a wall of ignorance, superstition and evidence-bereft myths. The time for tearing down such walls is way past due.

Yes, this polite silence ends, and for me it ends today. Who’s with me? If you are reading this and, being well-mannered, chose in the past not to “make an issue of it,” I call upon you now to make an issue of it! Call the true believers out. Point out the twisted dichotomy of those claiming with a straight face to care about you who nonetheless drop to their knees to worship a perceived entity who they sincerely believe will torture you till the end of time. It doesn’t matter that their demented lunacy never comes to pass. It is – as the saying goes – the thought that counts. Nor do their claims of love ring true, for those professing them confuse love with the warm afterglow of nostalgia, the fading wisps of whatever pleasantries the two of you might once have shared that still adhere to their memory, nothing more. Call these people on it and do not let them off the hook! Will yourself into denying them your time and attention, both of which can be reclaimed but only if they renounce – dare I say repent? - the inherent repugnancy in worshipping a torturing terrorist. Induce them to admit that for the longest time they naively fell victim to a vast delusion, one built on simpleton myths handed down like counterfeit heirlooms through generations and rendered dark and ugly by threats of unending torture solely intended to make them believe that which they have for so long taken to heart. Yes, their having fallen for this delusion can be forgiven – as I have forgiven myself - but only if they reject their previous worship and take a, yes, leap of faith, one defined by the far more comforting notion that, if indeed god exists, he does not storm about the universe, brandishing threats of the agony to be suffered by future inhabitants of hell, but rather is imbued with compassion and love. Above all, remember: you are not alone, for there are countless others who think as you do.

Should your reaction to all of this be: “But, Bill, I can’t help what I believe! I was raised this way and, try as I might, am incapable of purging such beliefs from my mind.” Granted, one does not essentially choose what to believe. One does, however, choose to worship. It is an action willfully taken, and if you have so chosen, then appreciate my disgust for both the object of your praise and for expecting me to regard as sincere your love or concern for me when you simultaneously worship someone you believe will, upon my passing, be my torturer. (And, yes, I resent that you side with something for which no proof exists, as opposed to me, so very real.)

Should you scurry for cover behind: “But, Bill, while I would never condone torture, I am but a speck in the universe, while god is, well… god! Who am I to question his ways?” Really? Then why do you pray? If you feel it worth your time and effort to send skyward appeals for his mercy, relief, justice, peace, what have you, can’t you and other true believers beseech him en masse to ratchet it down more than a bit, rendering hell’s lake of fire into something more akin to a tedious – albeit endless - weekend spent in the company of those one can barely tolerate? I would consider this far more fitting a punishment than to burn someone forever. Moreover, if heaven is indeed the bounteous reward your god has made it out to be, would not its denial be fitting punishment alone?

“But, Bill, this has been my position all along. Why are you telling me this only now?” Odd and embarrassing though it may sound, this only recently occurred to me: “Hey, wait a minute! These people say they care about me, yet worship someone who they believe is going to inflict the most horrific punishment imaginable upon me, with no distinction being made between my benign agnosticism and the premeditated evildoings of Hitler. And this is who they praise! Then who, pray tell, do they revile?” When hit by this eureka moment, I began to cobble together all of what you are now reading.

So here is what I request of you: that you stare honestly into the mirror in search of your own eureka moment and, should it come about, take that bold, willful step of rejecting that which has been spoon fed you for decades to the point of brainwashing. With reason your ally, seize the moral high ground and repudiate the barbarism of a presumed “merciful” god who tortures others, whether murderers who blowtorch their victims or atheists incapable - by dint of commonsense and reason – of finding anything moral, just or praiseworthy in someone who boasts of inflicting suffering upon others.

I must emphasize that this manifesto is not, in and of itself, a repudiation of either belief in god or adherence to what I shall broadly label religion. Neither of these is the target of my scorn (though I see little benefit and much to criticize in religion and cite lack of evidence as the key reason for doubting the existence of god). I direct this only at those who plant their flag into the province of sadism.

A final thought: if, after reading this, you still maintain your belief that a fiery hell awaits me, then know this: I do not want to know you on any level whatsoever. I don’t care who you are or how long I’ve known you. We are finished. Pun intended, you are not worthy of me, for family and friends – even if under the spell of a childish delusion – should not revere the torturer of those they profess to love. I shall instead align myself with anyone but torture-approving true believers. And, yes, there exists sufficient room for those who believe in god, just not one who revels in sadism.

Having placed my cards on the table, the time has come for you to do the same. But let me be blunt. Should you withhold from me the fact that you worship the torturing terrorist yet still claim to care about me, then know that my disrespect for you exists on three levels, not just one. One being that you worship a torturing terrorist. Two being your duplicity in not divulging that which I have requested of you. And three being your cowardice for said withholding. Know this: I don’t want to know you if your beliefs are as I have delineated them in this manifesto. And, please, spare me any lame warnings that expressing these sentiments will make me a lonely person. To that I reply: So be it, for if others, perhaps inspired by this, summon the will to do as I have, more may follow, and maybe, just maybe, a movement might begin. (Besides, how pathetic must one be to desire the company of those who kneel before the altar of a torturing terrorist?)

Should a feeble accusation of intolerance be hurled my way, hear this: “Intolerant? Not at all. You are free to live your life as you choose. I have merely made it clear that you are not welcome in my life. This is my choice to make, not yours, it being a free country.”

So do me the honor of passing this along to whomever you please. For those adamantly opposed to doing so, in a way I deem such steadfast refusal the ultimate compliment. Now crawl off and pray to your torturing terrorist.

To those of like mind, however, steel yourself in the knowledge that you are not alone, and let the movement begin….

WILLIAM P. BEKKALA
July 14 – August 6, 2012

My College Daze

Somebody once asked me if I dated in college, to which I responded: “Please! I had no time for dating. I was too busy with my inferiority complex!”

BILL

City of Seven Rivers (But seriously...)

My novel City of Seven Rivers is available on Amazon and the Barnes & Noble website. ($15)

City of Seven Rivers is historical fiction set in 1995 about a Marin County junior high student who suspects that Myron Hunter, the 74-year-old recluse next door is in fact Arden Hennessey, former bombardier on the Enola Gay. The boy’s suspicions counter the widely held belief that Hennessey, whose postwar success as a painter would nearly be undone by unrelenting guilt over the death and destruction he himself unleashed upon Hiroshima, leaped off the Golden Gate Bridge on the 10-year anniversary of the bombing.

What can I say? Lot of folks loved the manuscript. Hope you'll give the book a try.

BILL

PS – An electronic version of the novel will be forthcoming I’m told in about six weeks or so.

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

Whenever I’m in doubt as to whether or not I should give money to a homeless person, I usually respond by saying: “Listen, friend, it’s not that I’m worried that if I give you this money you’ll use it to buy drugs. My fear is that if I do I may not have enough money to buy my own drugs.”

BILL

Good News and Bad News

The good news was that T-Mobile Girl and Fairly Legal’s Sarah Shahi agreed to arm wrestle to see who would go out on a date with me. The bad

news was that I could tell neither was really trying all that hard. BILL

BUMMER!!

They say Food Network chef Emeril Lagasse lets fly his signature “BAM!!” far less when asked, prior to airing, to do the dishes after the show.

BILL

Rush To Judgment

Discussing the film “The Dark Knight Rises” recently, radio host Rush Limbaugh asked:

"Do you know the villain in the Dark Knight Rises is named Bane. B-A-N-E. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran, and around which there's now this make-believe controversy? Bain. Do you think that it is accidental, that the name of the really vicious, fire-breathing, four-eyed whatever-it-is villain in this movie is named Bain?”

(Rare is the joke requiring no punch line whatsoever.)

BILL

Crazy As An Evil Fox

If the Aurora, Colorado theatre shooter were truly insane, he would not have booby-trapped his apartment, for never would he have assumed there to be any reason whatsoever for the authorities to come by. Moreover the timing of it is such that it betrays the fact that he knew he would not be returning home, shedding even more light on his prior state of mind.

So what say we cool it with the stunned, glazed look in your eyes, Jimmy? No nuthouse for you. You’re going to a place called the big house. And you know what happens there?

BILL

Keyboard Mania!

Seriously, I cannot figure out how or why that a phone number “keyboard” and a computer keyboard numeral settings being laid out exactly opposite does not mess up our minds.

Phone:
123
456
789

Computer:
789
456
123

Be honest, did you ever even notice this?

BILL

Come To Colorado Mass Acres!!!

Someone will have to explain to me the purpose of the post-massacre prayer vigils now occurring in the wake of the 7/20/12 Aurora, Colorado theatre shooting. It seems readily apparent to me that “god” – in his infinite wisdom – has already ruled on the matter. What are they asking of him: a do over?

BILL

So What Have They Learned About This Aurora, CO Shooter?

Apart from the extreme unlikelihood that he’s an Obama supporter? OK, hey! Nothing surprises me after the first Simpson verdict, all right? So you’re not going to hear the thunderclap of my jaw striking the floor should we find out the guy heads the Colorado Chapter of Pacifists for Barbara Boxer. But would you wager against me as to his political leanings?

A Life Truth

No one named “Bowel” will ever attempt to change the course of history. BILL

Tales From The Gridiron

It’s a little known fact that former Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll was quite the offensive lineman in his day, known for diving on loose balls and making lunging blocks when needed, resulting in an endless array of grass stains. For some time, in fact, his teammates called him “Grassy Noll,” a nickname which endured until late 1963, whereupon, with little fanfare, he insisted they refrain.

BILL

The Brain is a FASCINATING Land!!

I’ve written a pretty fair historical novel dealing with the Manhattan Project yet have no idea how to maneuver about, use, or derive any tangible benefit by using Facebook. I have not, however, ruled out trying to sell an article entitled “I’m Too Stupid To Be On Facebook.”

BILL

PS – I’m not joking. Oh! And the parts I’ve “mastered” only make me feel like a stalker (albeit without the noisome distraction of those restraining orders).

What Was The Little Pothead's Favorite Musical?

Man of La Munchies.

BILL

I Say We Take THEIR Jobs Away!!!

I’m chartering a bus up to Bakersfield early - like 2:30 in the morning early - this Saturday to work in the fields picking lettuce in place of those currently performing this menial labor. Let’s show them how it feels! I’m sure you know at least one person who’s presently out of a job. C’mon, guys, who’s with me!?!

BILL

Baby, I'm Stuck On You

While I take no pleasure in learning that actress Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Tom Cruise, I doubt this embarrassingly awkward glue incident helped matters any. BILL

My New Business Venture

I’m opening a workout studio for fat guys called Paunches Pilates.

BILL

NEWS ITEM: Michelle Obama Cites Jesus as Model for Citizenship

BREAKING NEWS: “Tea Party Leaders To Convene; Will Renounce Christianity Sources Say”

BILL

Separated at Birth???

Each a pop musical genius who essentially took over their respective bands, I have never entirely ruled out the possibility that Fleetwood Mac’s Lindsey Buckingham and Electric Light Orchestra’s Jeff Lynne are in fact the same person. BILL

NEWS ITEM: House Finds Attorney General Holder in Contempt

Considering Congressional approval ratings hover around 15% this is sort of a compliment.

BILL

Spirits Having Flown

It’s sad to know that the band would now have to be named The Bee Gee. Moreover, their previous drum tight harmonies would be found sorely lacking.

BILL

I'm Living an Orwellian Nightmare

I lost the library’s last copy of “Nineteen Eighty-Four” and I’m positive they’re going to charge me for it.

Son-of-a…

BILL

My Movie Gripe

In the same way that a person talking in a theatre can “take you out of a movie,” so can baking soda white teeth in a period piece. Sorry, Ms. Kidman, you’re terrific in “Hemingway & Gellhorn” and I think – and hope - you’ll win the Emmy, but seeing how the film is set in the 30s and yet here you are in character conversing with actor Clive (“Hemingway”) Owen with teeth so dazzling he might well have had to sport sunglasses, you’re “taking me out of the movie.” BILL

Billie Burke

… who played Glinda, The Good Witch of The North, in The Wizard of Oz, was 55 when the film was being shot, proving my long-held theory that people named Billy B tend to be stunningly attractive well into their later years.

BILL

PS – Her middle name was – I kid you not – “William.”

Take It From Someone as Morbidly White As Myself:

These two need to get out in the sun more often. BILL

Vanity Fare Thee Well

Actress Gale Sondergaard, first considered to play The Wicked Witch of The West in “The Wizard of Oz,” refused the part because she did not want to wear makeup that would make her appear ugly.

And we all remember Gale Sondergaard….

BILL

If I Were FOX News Head Rupert Murdoch

I would not sit there day after day, week after week, seeing my hallowed principles mocked and savaged by the likes of Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, et al. No-no. What I would do is take the smallest sliver of my $8,300,000,000 and put together my own comedy show - not unlike Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” or “The Colbert Report” - and absolutely skewer the liberal elite, gutting their every belief with razor-like wit and jokes.

I’ll prove just how easy this would be. I want all of you to send me your best “clean water” joke.

BILL

I Hate Unions

But then I’ve always hated the eight-hour workday, pensions, vacations, sick time, overtime pay, health benefits, worker safety and ingrates who write whiny ditties about the company store. Losers…

BILL

We Love The Troops!!!

Just not enough to hire them upon their return from war, the unemployment numbers for veterans far surpassing civilians.

Well, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!!

BILL

Pro Rifle

I’m wondering how members of the NRA would react if informed that, prior to purchasing either firearms or ammunition, they would be forced by law to watch a documentary on gun violence in America, the blood-soaked images presented in an attempt to urge them into perhaps reconsidering.

I’m sure we can all agree that – how shall I say this – it would not go over well, their spit-soaked rage fueled by their constitutional right to bear arms per the Second Amendment.

This being so, I’m assuming we can henceforth count on the NRA to stand in foursquare allegiance with pro-choice women in the event another attempt at legislation - such as the recent tawdry proposal by Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell - comes ‘round the bend, Roe v. Wade having been settled law for lo these many decades.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

I just learned that recently passed Donna Summer succumbed to cancer. Seeing how she once sang: “Turn up the old Victrola, gonna dance the night away,” I just assumed she died of old age.


BILL

The Number Is 36. What is The Question?

The percentage of Americans who are obese. (Not overweight. Obese!) Well, all I’ve got to say about that is:

USA!! USA!! USA!!! USA!!!

BILL

Baby, I Don't Love Your Weigh (borrowed pun)

Having watched HBO’s 4-part documentary “The Weight of The Nation,” which rams home the mega-costly, multi-faceted nightmare that is the healthcare crisis resulting from our nation’s ever increasing obesity rates, allow me to be the first to say: “Love your country? Prove it. Go on a diet.” (Assuming one is needed, of course.)



Doing my best to remain popular, I am,



Yours Truly,



BILL



PS - A quote from conservative columnist George Will during a June 2008 interview with Charlie Rose: “John Kennedy said: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’ One answer we know to that -- fifty years on -- is that one thing you can do for your country is: reserve a spacious portion of your life for which your country is not responsible. Look out for yourself. Save more. Provide for your own retirement. Look out for your health."

My Ouija Board Story

The first time my brother Smedley and I played, we asked the spirits if I would ever be President. Its response was: XL24ZY7875helloSYTZ156.


This also marks the last time we ever played.


BILL

NEWS ITEM: TV Remote Inventor Eugene Polley Dies

“Gene was a kind, devoted family man, trusted and adored by all who knew him,” said eulogist David Brandeis via teleconference.

BILL

"Obama The Bully"

It might surprise you but I watch FOX News now and again. A while back I saw the above words emblazoned onscreen for several minutes during Sean Hannity’s show. Turns out, per his autobiography, when Obama was a child on the playground he shoved a girl. They showed the text, which included words like “child,” “playground,” and “jungle gym.” Now, granted, no year was included, but I’m going to go out on a limb here – per the words cited - and say this probably occurred when Obama was no older than 12.



This “major news” came, of course, in the wake of a Washington Post article on Mitt Romney (born in 1947) holding down a kid in 1965 – do the math if you want but he was old enough to join the Marines - who didn’t fit into Mitt’s ideas of orthodoxy. A “posse” of students threw the boy to the ground and hacked his hair off. “He can’t look like that,” Romney told a close friend at the time. “That’s wrong. Just look at him!”



Yeah, that’s a fair trade. Obama truly is a bully. Thanks for clearing that up, Sean.



BILL



PS – I myself once pushed a kid during recess when I was nine I think back in Michigan. (He and others wouldn’t give me my hat back.) He slid down the snow hill and – no lie – hit his head against the school wall, causing a concussion. Yes, Sean, clearly I’m far, far worse than Obama. So don’t mess with me.

If My Name Were "Pontius"...

… I would never enroll in flight school. Maybe a Pilates class though.

BILL

"Tykes Plot to Foil Gov't Regs"

NEWS ITEM: A photographer for Reuters captured a searing black and white image of three Philadelphia children secretly plotting to foil any and all governmental intrusion into the lives of Americans yesterday.



“It was pure luck,” said Reuters staff photographer John Handstrom. “I was ambling up Martell Avenue and dropped my lens cap. It rolled down into a stairwell and… surprise! There they were! The one in the middle lashed out at me upon spotting my camera, hurriedly shoving his crayon-scribbled plans into the lap of his brother. When I asked what they were doing, that’s when the one on the right spilled the beans.”



“’We hate government!’ they said. And, let me tell you, boy, do they! They went on and on about how the Tea Party has the right idea and how government is nothing more than a ‘massive, unwanted hand clamping personal freedom day after day.’ I could tell by their advanced vocabulary that this was stuff they had been hearing in the home day after day.”



The photograph, having gone viral in the last 24 hours, has captured the imagination of Tea Party faithful, many of whom have praised the spirited initiative of the children.



“These plucky little tykes are setting just the perfect example for other kids their age,” said former Alaska Governor and reality TV star Sarah Palin. “This is not Obama’s America, that’s for sure.”



“Look at them!” exclaimed Texas Governor Rick Perry with a broad smile. “They’re tighter than my fist wrapped around a nickel. Now that’s the type of fire-in-the-belly that could turn this nation around. And, might I add, this is just the type of message I myself was trying to convey when I said during my presidential campaign that I would do all I could to render Washington as inconsequential to Americans' lives as possible.”

BILL

Man, Am I Behind On The News!

I didn’t even know they were building a new World Trade Center. Not sure about the property being purchased by Target though. BILL

Here's Some Moron Ted Nugent

I think the real reason the Secret Service declined to follow up on the pressing of charges against rocker Ted Nugent for threatening the life of the President falls under the heading of Occam’s Razor, i.e. the principle that a simpler explanation tends more often to be correct than a more complex one. What I mean by this is that to actually physically threaten the President - loathsome though the act would be - would require at least some courage. Nugent was simply sized up in little time by the agents as being a man utterly devoid of this quality. BILL PS – A final thought: Ted Nugent having never used drugs or alcohol, a finer advocate for their consumption I can scarcely imagine.

An Open Letter To My Married Friends and Relatives

In light of our President coming out in favor of same-sex marriage, I want to convey to you my painful awareness of not only the peril into which the institution of marriage has been so callously thrust but – by necessary implication – your marriage as well. Please know that I will do whatever I can to help shore up your union during these difficult times. And, should you feel the first faint tugs of your nuptials beginning to fray in the wake of this egregious decision, please know that I am but a phone call away. Call me. I can help. BILL

Lost Verse From John Lennon's "Imagine"

Imagine there a President Dressed up as a Navy Seal Behind a Banner Reading “Mission Accomplished” After Osama Bin Laden was Keeled OK, so the rhyming sucks, but – pretend for a moment – that President George W. Bush did not do his little dress up as soldier thing with the “Mission Accomplished” banner behind him after the fall of Iraq. OK, have you voided that from your mind? Good. Now pretend Obama donned Navy Seal attire after the killing of bin Laden, traversing an aircraft carrier to the cheers of Navy personnel. Care to guess what the reaction would have been from FOX News? I think I can state categorically that there would be no more “O’Reilly Factor” program, for the only Bill O’Reilly footage anyone would be interested in viewing would be that found on YouTube from when his head exploded on national television. BILL

As The Saying Goes: "You Can't Make This Stuff Up"

Was watching Jon Stewart this morning and saw this clip. Found this on Wikipedia: In May 2009, actor Craig T. Nelson appeared on Glenn Beck, where he spoke about his dislike of the current state of government, and highlighted the importance of funding for education and teachers. He also announced he would no longer pay taxes, and went on to state: “I've been on food stamps and welfare, did anybody help me out? No. No,” despite these being government assistance program. Now of course, the punch line is the “Did anyone help me out? No, no!” But let us not give short shrift to his emphasis on “the importance of funding for education and teachers” but not wanting to pay taxes. Per the 11th Commandment (“Thou shalt not speak ill on any fellow Republican” – primaries aside of course), I highly doubt Beck pointed out both these glaring inconsistencies to Nelson. BILL PS – And, as I predicted, no conservatives reprimanded Ted Nugent for threatening the life of the President.

Question For Our Times

Who will be the politician brave enough to say: “You know, if you can’t afford kids, maybe you shouldn’t be having them?” (Probably the one not running for reelection…) BILL

Infallible... by Calvin Klein

NEWS ITEM: One of the most important religious figures in the world, Pope Benedict XVI, has now joined the ranks of Sting and Madonna in receiving his own personal fragrance from an internationally recognized perfume designer.

BILL

Alarming Trend

It seems odd to me that so many and varied thoughts intrude upon my mind whenever I hear a car alarm, least among them however being: “Hey! Someone’s trying to steal that car!”

BILL

A Thought on Being "Prolife"

Advocates of this position would be sooooooooo much easier to respect if they adhered to their position over time. Alas, once the holy speck of goo takes on human form and flies the coop their previous fervor almost always dwindles into… well... fuck 'em. (Universal healthcare, of course, being the prime example.) BILL

I Once Told a Former Girlfriend:

“I think of you every day.” “Ahhhh,” she replied. “That’s so sweet.” “Well… you do owe me money.” BILL

Would You Believe: Two Cans and a String?

The following was not – repeat not – uttered in jest. I was seated in front of a young man in a theater recently and overheard him ask his cohorts: “What did people do before there were cell phones?” (I resisted the urge to reply: “Annoyed others far less often.”) BILL

Try This at Work Some Time

When your boss asks how you’re doing, say: “Well, my doctors tell me that the random impulses for sporadic violence afflicting me of late are on the wane. But I don’t know.” BILL

Grover Cleveland Never Got This Type of Reaction

Spin That Web!!

Inspired by the recent cowardice of rocker Ted Nugent, whose barely-veiled threat against the life of the President later scurried for cover under a mind-boggling assertion of non-existent metaphor, Los Angeles Laker Metta World Peace* tweeted the following in regards to Sunday night’s vicious and completely uncalled for elbow to the head of an opponent, the action of which resulted in a concussion: “I just watched the replay again….Oooo. My celebration of the dunk really was too much…didn't even see James…Omg…Looks bad.'' Nicely done. BILL PS – Don’t believe me? Go to the video…. *Don’t you love irony? Formerly Ron Artest, centerpiece of an NBA brawl that not only spilled into the stands, but was directed at fans

Terms of Embeerment

When I first saw “Terms of Endearment” in 1983, I watched Jack Nicholson whisk away his robe prior to bedding Shirley MacLaine, displaying in all its glory his paunchy belly. I thought to myself “Good God, Jack has gotten fat!!” I caught this same film the other night and thought “Ugh, he’s not so fat after all.” BILL

Of Guitar Heroes and Guitar Cowards

Proving himself the coward I knew him to be, rocker Ted Nugent backtracked from his earlier comments, scurrying for cover behind the skirt of saying he was only speaking metaphorically when stating that he would be “dead or in jail” next year if Obama is reelected. Sadly, the Secret Servicemen who paid him a visit, much like Ted, simply don’t know what a metaphor is: “A figure of speech in which a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate another.” But, of course, only a true pussy could write a song called “Cat Scratch Fever.” BILL

Hey, Look, I'll Be Honest...

… we all know climate change is a crock, but how are these hoaxers pulling off what I previously thought unimaginable: actually making it warmer? Anyone have any ideas? We need to put them in their place! The problem, of course, is our stated position that mankind’s activities are not causing temperatures to rise while simultaneously acknowledging that this sinister cabal of liberal do-gooders is somehow managing to do that very thing! This conundrum will, of course, be issue one on or agenda. Join us, won’t you? BILL

The Gauntlet Has Been Tossed!!

It is all but a fixation for elements of the right wing media to implore nonviolent Muslims to speak out against those Muslims prone to violence, a perfectly reasonable request, I might add. What I’m now wondering, however, is whether these same folks will remain as diligent by speaking out against musician Ted Nugent, one of their own from a socio-political perspective, and a man who recently stated that he would be “dead or in jail” next year if Obama is reelected. Now if one is muddleheaded enough to not deem this a threat against the life of the president - a felony by the way – then one must ask: “Then how, Ted, can you be so certain that you will either be dead or find yourself behind bars in the event an elected official just happens to be reelected? What magical crystal ball powers do you possess that we mere mortals do not?” I am confident such a reaction will not be forthcoming, at which time might I also ask that they cease with the aforementioned request of nonviolent Muslims. BILL

Have you no cash, Bill, at long last? Have you no cash?

Nothing says “Thank goodness, my child is not a communist” like the joy on a young one's face when you hand them money. Joseph McCarthy, 1948 (OK, he never said that…) BILL

I'm Marrying a Bond Girl!

Thelma Lou tells me she’ll soon make bond on this ridiculous third round of check kiting charges and after she’s done meeting with her public defender, we’ll pay a visit to the Justice of The Peace.

BILL

It's Tax Day!!!

Hey, I’ll ask: How can someone look the American people in the eye and claim he is the person most capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth if he can’t even manage to file his tax return on time?

BILL

Shower The People

In a shameless catering to the National Rifle Association, President Obama and Vice President Biden sported water pistols recently. “Though I haven’t mentioned guns since I moved into the White House, somehow the NRA can scarcely sleep at night knowing I’m president,” Obama said. “Maybe it’s that second term fear. Who knows? Either way, this is intended as an olive branch to – HEY!! Biden, you rascal!! I’ll get you!!!!

BILL

Petticoat Junction: A Childhood Memory

Each time I see this shot from the sixties series, I fondly recall the curious state of arousal into which it forever propelled me, knowing that, if suddenly I found myself a resident of Hooterville, with the three girls and dog duly distracted, I would be able to race down to the Shady Rest Hotel and have Uncle Joe all to myself. BILL

NEWS ITEM: Those Crafty Hoaxers Continue Apace

WASHINGTON (AP) — It has been so warm in the United States this year, especially in March, that national records were not just broken, they were deep-fried.

Temperatures in the lower 48 states were 8.6 degrees (4.8 degrees Celsius) above normal for March and 6 degrees (3.3 degrees Celsius) higher than average for the first three months of the year, according to calculations by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. That far exceeds the old records.

The magnitude of how unusual the year has been in the U.S. has alarmed some meteorologists who have warned about global warming. One climate scientist said it is the weather equivalent of a baseball player on steroids, with old records obliterated.

"Everybody has this uneasy feeling. This is weird. This is not good," said Jerry Meehl, a climate scientist who specializes in extreme weather at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colo. "It's a guilty pleasure. You're out enjoying this nice March weather, but you know it's not a good thing."

A Billy Buzz Kill Moment

Am I the only one who dares to utter that in the film “Titanic” it is Jack and Rose who are responsible for the sinking of the ship? When you next see it, notice how the lovers’ lip-locked kiss distracts the chaps up in the crow’s nest for sufficient duration so as to delay sounding the alarm upon spotting the iceberg. (Recall, the ship strikes the iceberg with a glancing blow along one side, not a direct hit.)

OK, maybe it’s me…

BILL

And To Think I Could Be Breaking a Tie In The Senate

“Having been forced to endure the humiliation of donning an Easter Bunny suit, I hereby resign the office of the Vice Presidency of The United States.” Joseph Biden

Myth Busting Time

“Life is Too Short”

I believe a single screening of most any David Lean film can disabuse most anyone of this notion in less than three hours.

BILL

I'm Just an Interior Decorator!!!

Reason alone informs me that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in the killing of JFK. I do however believe the accused assassin in regards to the long wrapped package he carried into work that fateful day – Oswald telling the coworker who drove him in that he was carrying “curtain rods.” I can’t tell you how many times I myself have brought curtain rods into work.

BILL

I'm Finally Debt Free!

I called my Miami loan shark “friend” Tobias, informing him that, at long last, I had the $10,000 he lent me. When I flew down there and he showed up, I shot him dead. When the cops arrived, I said we got into a fight – Tobias starting it (of course) - and I was merely “standing my ground.”

The end.

BILL

Yeah, Sure I Could Use $540,000,000

The current jackpot for California’s lottery. But there’s just something about the one in 176,000,000 odds that keeps me from buying a ticket. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me.

BILL

"R".... As In Retarded

The Motion Picture Association of America, steadfast in its rating of “R” for the film “Bully,” a documentary showing the detrimental effects of bullying upon America’s youths, gladly coughed up a PG-13 to “The Hunger Games,” a film centered upon two dozen teenagers slaughtering each other in a forest, last one standing victorious.

The MPAA, having your child’s back since… well… OK, they’ve never really had your child’s back.

BILL

Seizing The Moral Low Ground...

… director Spike Lee has tweeted the home address of George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watch volunteer who shot Florida teen Trayvon Martin, severing – evidently - any legitimate ties to righteous indignation should he ever again choose to bemoan the Southern lynch mobs from days of yore.

BILL

In Fact, He Becomes QUITE Animated!

Rumor has it actor Peter Coyote, by all accounts a crafty and oft manipulative individual, gets quite miffed whenever folks describe him as “wily.”

(bwah-bwah-bwah-bwah….)

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

On March 11, 16 Japanese students, each a survivor of last year’s devastating tsunami, visited Dodger Stadium as part of their tour package prior to participating in the Los Angeles Marathon. Eighteen-year old Takahiro Miyagi exclaimed, “The highlight was when all 16 of us climbed into the bleachers and did the wave!”

BILL

Shake, Rattle and Roll Out The Body Bags

The number of Haitian fatalities that occurred on January 12, 2010 due to collapsed buildings, i.e. those structures lacking preventative measures to help ensure they could withstand a severe earthquake, would have been infinitely smaller had these measures been in place. Unfortunately, such building codes – what some call “big government” - were not.

If you’re keeping score at home: 316,000 deaths.

BILL

Alarming Trend

It seems odd to me that so many and varied thoughts intrude upon my mind whenever I hear a car alarm, least among them however being: “Hey! Someone’s trying to steal that car!”

BILL

Death to Smoochie

Not to say I’m a lousy kisser, but I once asked my former girlfriend Zelda what thoughts came her way whenever we kissed.

“Tongue depressors,” she replied.

BILL

Why I Hate The LA Marathon

As if things weren’t bad enough, my already battered self-esteem is handed another dire blow by way of the utter certainty that there are at least 23,000 other people in Los Angeles who are – without question - far, far tougher than me.

BILL

Infallible... by Calvin Klein

NEWS ITEM: One of the most important religious figures in the world, Pope Benedict XVI, has now joined the ranks of Sting and Madonna in receiving his own personal fragrance from an internationally recognized perfume designer.

BILL

My Capital Crime

I’m against capital punishment, except for those instances wherein a media whore reality star has something go amiss in his or her life, at which time he or she requests “privacy at this difficult and trying time.”

I deem a firing squad the only fitting response.

BILL

A Word About HBO's "Game Change"

If you’re of the mind that this is a “typical liberal Hollywood attack on conservative Republicans,” you will need to ask why is it that every single other character depicted – all of whom are (presumably) conservative Republicans - come across as intelligent, principled, good, decent and honest? McCain especially. Only former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is depicted as… well… otherwise.

BILL

My College Daze

My roomy Stosh and I used to play squash all the time. Eventually, however, we grew tired of picking up the seeds.

BILL

Being Fair and Balanced...

All anti-abortion laws should be deemed part of the Big Government Fetal Bailout Program.

BILL

Why I Hate Cooking Shows

Yeah, sure, who wouldn’t enjoy cooking if they had someone else do all that endless chopping of ingredients prior to their actual cooking, their stovetop greeting them with a dozen exactly-measured, food-filled Pyrex containers aligned like soldiers before battle?

The other reason is because I never cook.

BILL

I Love Irony

“Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. ... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up.”

(Rush Limbaugh)

And were it not for the American Civil Liberties Union, Rush might well have been sent up.

Look it up…

BILL

Myth Busting Time

Whenever anyone waves that silly “class warfare” flag, ask them this: “Aside from the suggestion that the richest of the rich pay a bit more in taxes, what acts of war or warfare – literally or figuratively – are you referring to?” Then enjoy the silence, perhaps curling up with a good book.

BILL

Oscar Minor Whine - Round Two

And as for you, Ms. Jolie, while a fan, I don’t want to give you a kiss; I want to give you a bacon-cheeseburger.

BILL

Of Course, Stalin Never Had This Problem

Anytime someone running for President says they want to “run government like a business,” they should immediately be asked: “Really? How hard do you think any member of either of the other two branches of government is going to laugh when you try to fire them?”

BILL

Experience Preferred!

I’m sure we all agree that to make a truly informed decision, it’s best to have firsthand knowledge of the subject. This being so, I can’t help but wonder if people - especially men – who insist without reservation that all impregnated rape victims be denied an abortion in order to take the child to term would find themselves compelled to reconsider their position if they themselves suffered the brutal misfortune of being raped. I would think it might – how shall I put this? – “get their attention.”

BILL

Chicken Roosting Time

MSNBC severed ties with Pat Buchanan, a move which the longtime conservative commentator described as “an undeniable victory for the blacklisters.” In light of the fact that Buchanan, a fervent anti-communist from the day he sprang from the womb, would have – in all likelihood – heartily approved of the 1950s Hollywood blacklist, well… you get my point.

BILL

Chicken Roosting Time

MSNBC severed ties with Pat Buchanan, a move which the longtime conservative commentator described as “an undeniable victory for the blacklisters.” In light of the fact that Buchanan, a fervent anti-communist from the day he sprang from the womb, would have – in all likelihood – heartily approved of the 1950s Hollywood blacklist, well… you get my point.

BILL

What Can I Say? The Camera LOVES Me!!

Especially when I walk out of frame.

BILL

The Hell, You Say

If I ever get to the Promised Land, I’m going to cozy up to God and ask him if he’ll chill with the harp music for a spell and instead pipe in the sounds of the anguished screams emanating from the fiery bowels of Hell. I think I’d enjoy that and can’t imagine he wouldn’t get a chuckle out of it as well.

“That’ll teach ‘em not to praise you, huh, buddy?” I’ll utter with a wicked, sycophant cackle.

BILL

My Birth Certifiable Father

When I was born, my Dad – crazy as a loon mind you - drove the Department of Social Services absolutely nuts with a year’s worth of letters and phone calls, making absolutely sure not only that my birth certificate was legally sound and factually correct but verifying the names of all attendant medical staff on hand at the moment of my birth as well as the names of those listed on the document itself in the event diligent follow-up might be required at a later point in time. He actually got into a fistfight with the Overseer of Records at the County Clerk’s office, requesting copies of other recent birth certificates, ensuring that mine was an exact stylistic replica of those, so that no one might later on call it into evidentiary question. To cover all bases, he made sure that my birth announcement was printed in nearby local newspapers as well.

His reason for all this, of course, was: “My boy might run for President one day.”

BILL

Uncle Samuel Wants His Way

Whenever I get into a disagreement with someone, I commence with calmly uttering the following, allowing it to rise slowly in volume and intensity until finally it takes on the form of a not-to-be-appeased wrath, at which point I usually get my way:

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.”

BILL

(OK, it’s from “Pulp Fiction” for the uninitiated….)

A Fascinating Columbine Shooting Fact

As they returned to their cars, Eric Harris encountered Brooks Brown, a classmate with whom he had recently patched up a longstanding disagreement. Brown was surprised to see Harris getting out of a car with a gym bag. Harris had been absent from a test that morning. Brown told him, but Harris seemed unconcerned. Harris then warned him, "Brooks, I like you now. Get out of here. Go home." Brown, feeling uneasy, walked away. Minutes later, students departing Columbine for lunch noticed Brown heading away from the school. Meanwhile, Harris and Dylan Klebold armed themselves by their cars and waited for the bombs to explode.

(I suppose the moral of the story, kids, is: try to be nice.)

BILL

Nothing Sounds Good in German

You can take even Eric Clapton’s classic ballad and sing “My darling, you look wunderbar tonight,” and it completely ruins it.

BILL

While True I Need My Beauty Sleep...

… I once misread the dosage for my sleeping pills and was out for three straight days. The weird part though is that when I finally awoke I looked exactly like Halle Berry. BILL

The Gauntlet Has Been Tossed

There are three things I am all but certain cannot be done. One, find an example of a white President of The United States being interrupted upwards of a dozen times, such as FOX News commentator Bill O’Reilly did while interviewing Barack Obama during last year’s Super Bowl pregame. Two, find an example of someone yelling out “You lie!” – or a similarly rude retort - to a white President, such as South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson did during Obama’s 2009 address to Congress. Three, find an example of a white President having a finger pointed directly into his face by a politician with whom he is having a disagreement, as did Arizona Governor Jan Brewer recently.

You have a range of 219 years out of 223 in which to prove me wrong.

Ready? Go!!!!

BILL

"I Know The American People Are a Lot Smarter Than That"

Anytime a politician says this I know he’s lying. I know this for several reasons. For one, we’re not. Moreover – hold on, wait – “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” is coming on. I’ll get back to you.

BILL

Note To Occupy Movement:

Since you’re now debasing your movement by burning American flags, perhaps you’d be happier occupying another country.

BILL

A Fact, Not an Editorial

During my three decades in Los Angeles, twelve without a car, i.e. covering a lot of pavement via shoes, despite thousands of times being accosted/asked/cajoled for money, I have never once encountered a panhandler of Asian or Hispanic descent. Not once. Ever. Draw your own conclusions. Or not.

BILL

"Robbing Peter to Pay Paul"

This always struck me as odd, in that, once having committed to a felony, you might as well rob both Peter and Paul. (And you could do a lot worse than tossing Mary in there while you’re at it.)

BILL

All The Best Feelings Start With The Letter "S"

Sleeping
Sex
Showering
Shitting
Sneezing
Smacking the hell out of someone when they try to grab your Pop Tart.

BILL

NEWS ITEM: Little Rock, Arkansas

LITTLE ROCK, Ark (Reuters) - A cat belonging to an Arkansas Democratic campaign manager was found dead on Sunday night with the word "Liberal" spray-painted across its side, the campaign manager said.

The cat was a pet of Jake Burris, who manages Democrat Ken Aden's bid for Arkansas' 3rd Congressional District. Aden is running against incumbent Republican Representative Steve Womack.

Burris was returning to his Russellville, Arkansas home with his four children when he found the cat on his doorstep, the Aden campaign said in a press release on Monday. The mixed-breed Siamese cat had one side of its head bashed in to "the point the cat's eyeball was barely hanging from its socket," the release said. Aden told Reuters that the event was "horrible, to say the least."

====
(And remember, conservatives, you may not be comfortable with the perpetrator of this act, but he’s comfortable with you… BILL)

"Independence Day"

Caught this 1996 film recently and noticed that after the 15-mile wide hostile UFOs arrive over major U.S. cities, Vivica A. Fox’s character, Jasmine (of course…), nonetheless goes to her job as an exotic dancer. This proves what I have suspected for years: male screenwriters will go to outright absurd lengths to shoehorn a stripper scene into their movies.

BILL

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!!

Gingrich Calls For "Open" Primary

Candidate “Willing To Take on All Comers”

Requests Bachmann Rejoin Field of Play


BILL

Who Needs a New Battery When a Used Works Just as Well?

Circa 1984, I was driving alone one night when I saw a car with its hood up, stalled along a lonely stretch of Sherman Way in North Hollywood. Four dudes - late teens or early twenties, none of whom appeared the scholarly type - were trying to get it started, so I stopped to see if I could help.

Seems they needed a jump. So I took out my jumper cables and tried to get their car started. It didn’t work.

“You know what might work,” one of them said. “If we take your battery out of your car, put it into ours and try to start it up.”

“Well… OK,” I said.

So this we did, they all too happy to do the heavy lifting. (Have you ever lifted a car battery???) We removed their dead battery then slipped mine beside their engine to see if we could get their car started. And guess what? It worked!! But can you guess what happened next???

Wrong! They removed my battery from their now running car, put it back under my engine hood, thanked me and offered me money.

True story.

BILL

NASA fact

The first time – I’ll say it again – the first time man ever flew around the moon, NASA scientists successfully predicted to the second when they would be able to receive voice transmissions from the lunar orbiter.

Now I ask you: who do you think should be believed on the subject of climate change: NASA climatologists or Texas Governor Rick Perry?

BILL

Joshua Treats

So I’m at my local grocery store and who’s in line ahead of me but Bono, the Irish rocker buying a six-pack of Killian’s Red. The checker – clueless as to the U2 lead singer’s identity – actually asks him: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

BILL

I Need To Reconsider My Friends

I told my college buddy Stosh I wanted to stay home this weekend to watch the NFL playoffs. He responded: “What's that? Ah -- Playoffs? Don't talk about -- playoffs?! You kidding me?! Playoffs?!” *

BILL

*If you get the reference, it’s kinda funny. If not, oh, well…

When Life Hands You Lemons...

… do what I do. Stand roadside and fling them hard at random passersby – one after the other – loudly cursing life’s unfairness. This never fails to make me feel much better, at which time I can quietly proceed with my day.

BILL

My Initiation to The DAILY Bill

The gift that started The Daily Bill

Osama The Job Creator

Can you imagine how many people would be out of work had not our post 9/11 collective fear caused such a massive upturn in the number of security-related jobs?

(Just a thought…)

BILL

OJ Redux

And remember, kids, if the prosecution blew the case, then why do O.J. jokes work so well?

As a bonus, here’s the limerick I came up with mere hours after the verdict:

“There once was a man named Juice

Who cut his wife’s head half loose.

But thanks to some butter

From Mark Fuhrman’s gutter.

His own head slipped through the noose.”

BILL