If you suspect someone of excessive drinking, simply ask them to say “Chrysanthemum” three times. If they can manage this feat with little difficulty, they are duly inebriated.
BILL
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Some People Are Soooooooooo Stupid
Saw on the news authorities using cadaver dogs to look for victims in earthquake rubble. Man! Haven’t they heard that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Let ALONE a dead dog!
BILL
BILL
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Reports Had Been Contradictory
First reports on Michael Jackson were that he was pale and unresponsive’, to which paramedics replied: "Well, we're gonna need a littlwe more than that."
BILL
BILL
Monday, June 22, 2009
"World War II for Dummies"
Saw this in a bookstore and mentioned to the clerk that the mere title is nothing short of obscene. Considering the lives lost, the cause for which we fought, the ultimate sacrifices and victims, etc. for a business to practically belittle such history with its afterthought title makes me want to kick my mother’s handed-down moralistic self-righteous gene into hyper-drive, accord the publisher their due session of vomit, and point out to them that the next stop on this pathetic choo-choo train is “The Holocaust for Dummies.”
BILL
BILL
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I told my true love...
“I need you like the Donner Party needed a cell phone.”
(Yes, I’m single again.)
BILL
(Yes, I’m single again.)
BILL
Monday, June 15, 2009
Karma Apples?
The woman who pleaded guilty to the felony of selling to a tabloid magazine tumor-ridden Farrah Fawcett’s private medical records died prior to sentencing, succumbing to… cancer.
BILL
BILL
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
ESSAY: The Garo Yepremian Gaffe - A Study in Failure
It has been said that true failure requires the involvement of at least one Cypriot, if only for the simple reason that the term itself flies awfully close to "idiot.” OK, I’m lying. This has never once been said and I’ll admit to casting a shamelessly derogatory slur upon the inhabitants of this tiny eastern Mediterranean island, all for a cheap laugh.
But if it’s cheap laughs one desires, one need venture no further than the film vaults of NFL Films, namely color footage of one of pro football’s most colorful gaffes: that of Cyprus' own Garo Yepremian and his blocked field goal attempt at Super Bowl VII, played in the Los Angeles Coliseum on January 14, 1973.
Sure, other football failures abound through the years: hideous throwback uniforms, Deion Sanders' tackling, the league's scandalous penny-pinching when it comes to furnishing sufficient material in which to clad its cheerleaders, but these pale in comparison to Garo's inimitable moment of athletic gaffe-dom.
Allow me to set the stage. With just over two minutes remaining in the biggest game of the year and holding a two touchdown lead over the Washington Redskins, Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian lines up for a (very doable) 42-yard field goal, success of which will - barring the intrusive hand of the Almighty himself - assure an insurmountable 17-0 Dolphin lead with scarcely any time remaining.
Here is what makes Garo's Gaffe so memorable. Ready? It is not one gaffe - breathe easy Jim "Running The Wrong Way" Marshall - but rather four! All in one play! Here we go:
Gaffe number one: The kick is blocked. Garo would later state that, during warm-ups, his kicks were sailing low and, sure enough, such proved to be the case when it came to the actual game, the ball being easily blocked by a defender's arm.
Gaffe number two: The ball slips from Garo's hand. After the botched field goal, the ball bounces to the little kicker who catches it, then draws his arm back to throw it to… well, we're still trying to determine who that may have been. Alas, the aptly-named pigskin slips from his hand, floating harmfully into the air just above his helmet.
Gaffe number three: Incompetence. In truly Keystone Cops fashion, Garo quickly decides to bat the ball toward the sideline. This he does, straight into the waiting hands of Redskins defensive back Mike Bass, who scampers--
-- But wait!! We have not gotten to gaffe number four, one that can only be deemed - and allow me to summon the spectral voice of Howard Cosell - "ignominious cowardice." As Bass sprints down the sideline, Garo has the angle on him! In fact - watch closely now - he doesn't even have to engage in anything remotely resembling a tackle. All he need do is throw his body in front of the six foot, 190 pound - medium sized by football standards - defender. Even if he should not bring Bass to the ground, his effort alone will slow the ball carrier up, allowing Garo's teammates to converge upon Bass, tackling him and thus preventing a score. But with the game - excuse me - the Super Bowl on the line, what does Garo do? He feints a move as if trying to tackle him, shattering any and all dreams of ever winning an Oscar. Bass easily eludes him, scampering 49 yards unmolested for a touchdown. With the extra point, Miami's lead has shrunk to 14-7. And with an onside kick in the offing, a successful Washington possession could tie the score, sending it into sudden-death overtime, where it is certainly possible - coin flips being what they are - that a Washington score could snatch victory from the undefeated Dolphins. (Bear in mind, Washington was favored by odds makers, and their Marv Levy coached special teams were the best in the league. Oddly, Head Coach George Allen chose not to try an onside kick.) Dolphin safety Jake Scott was said to have walked up to Garo at the conclusion of this Hindenburg-like play and muttered, glaring at his teammate, "Garo, if we lose this game, I'm going to kill you."
But the Dolphin defense indeed held and Miami went on to win 14-7, maintaining its perfect season, culminating in a 17-0 record, with Garo himself surviving to kick another day. Forget it, Jake, it's Los Angeles….
So there it is. Four gaffes in a single play, with a dollop of cowardice to boot. Surely football's most memorable gaffe(s). And in case you think I'm being too hard on Garo, let me state - for the record - that I am fairly sure my own performance would have matched if not surpassed Garo's ineptitude had I suited up that January day. Surpassed, you ask? Certainly! For had I been the one to pull that stunt, I would have immediately trotted over to the Redskins sideline and remained there for the duration of the game, adding "traitor" to my well-blemished resume simply because: "They like me more." However, I'd prefer to think that I never would have even been on that football field in the first place, surrounded by eighty adrenaline-charged behemoths. You see, Mama didn't raise any fools. Well, she did, but we drowned them when they were young.
But if it’s cheap laughs one desires, one need venture no further than the film vaults of NFL Films, namely color footage of one of pro football’s most colorful gaffes: that of Cyprus' own Garo Yepremian and his blocked field goal attempt at Super Bowl VII, played in the Los Angeles Coliseum on January 14, 1973.
Sure, other football failures abound through the years: hideous throwback uniforms, Deion Sanders' tackling, the league's scandalous penny-pinching when it comes to furnishing sufficient material in which to clad its cheerleaders, but these pale in comparison to Garo's inimitable moment of athletic gaffe-dom.
Allow me to set the stage. With just over two minutes remaining in the biggest game of the year and holding a two touchdown lead over the Washington Redskins, Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian lines up for a (very doable) 42-yard field goal, success of which will - barring the intrusive hand of the Almighty himself - assure an insurmountable 17-0 Dolphin lead with scarcely any time remaining.
Here is what makes Garo's Gaffe so memorable. Ready? It is not one gaffe - breathe easy Jim "Running The Wrong Way" Marshall - but rather four! All in one play! Here we go:
Gaffe number one: The kick is blocked. Garo would later state that, during warm-ups, his kicks were sailing low and, sure enough, such proved to be the case when it came to the actual game, the ball being easily blocked by a defender's arm.
Gaffe number two: The ball slips from Garo's hand. After the botched field goal, the ball bounces to the little kicker who catches it, then draws his arm back to throw it to… well, we're still trying to determine who that may have been. Alas, the aptly-named pigskin slips from his hand, floating harmfully into the air just above his helmet.
Gaffe number three: Incompetence. In truly Keystone Cops fashion, Garo quickly decides to bat the ball toward the sideline. This he does, straight into the waiting hands of Redskins defensive back Mike Bass, who scampers--
-- But wait!! We have not gotten to gaffe number four, one that can only be deemed - and allow me to summon the spectral voice of Howard Cosell - "ignominious cowardice." As Bass sprints down the sideline, Garo has the angle on him! In fact - watch closely now - he doesn't even have to engage in anything remotely resembling a tackle. All he need do is throw his body in front of the six foot, 190 pound - medium sized by football standards - defender. Even if he should not bring Bass to the ground, his effort alone will slow the ball carrier up, allowing Garo's teammates to converge upon Bass, tackling him and thus preventing a score. But with the game - excuse me - the Super Bowl on the line, what does Garo do? He feints a move as if trying to tackle him, shattering any and all dreams of ever winning an Oscar. Bass easily eludes him, scampering 49 yards unmolested for a touchdown. With the extra point, Miami's lead has shrunk to 14-7. And with an onside kick in the offing, a successful Washington possession could tie the score, sending it into sudden-death overtime, where it is certainly possible - coin flips being what they are - that a Washington score could snatch victory from the undefeated Dolphins. (Bear in mind, Washington was favored by odds makers, and their Marv Levy coached special teams were the best in the league. Oddly, Head Coach George Allen chose not to try an onside kick.) Dolphin safety Jake Scott was said to have walked up to Garo at the conclusion of this Hindenburg-like play and muttered, glaring at his teammate, "Garo, if we lose this game, I'm going to kill you."
But the Dolphin defense indeed held and Miami went on to win 14-7, maintaining its perfect season, culminating in a 17-0 record, with Garo himself surviving to kick another day. Forget it, Jake, it's Los Angeles….
So there it is. Four gaffes in a single play, with a dollop of cowardice to boot. Surely football's most memorable gaffe(s). And in case you think I'm being too hard on Garo, let me state - for the record - that I am fairly sure my own performance would have matched if not surpassed Garo's ineptitude had I suited up that January day. Surpassed, you ask? Certainly! For had I been the one to pull that stunt, I would have immediately trotted over to the Redskins sideline and remained there for the duration of the game, adding "traitor" to my well-blemished resume simply because: "They like me more." However, I'd prefer to think that I never would have even been on that football field in the first place, surrounded by eighty adrenaline-charged behemoths. You see, Mama didn't raise any fools. Well, she did, but we drowned them when they were young.
Monday, June 8, 2009
"Gilligan's Island"
Maybe this is rose-colored glasses on the part of someone as yellow as me but the passengers aboard the Minnow had to have been seeing red or been pretty blue about being marooned. And on gray days green with envy for the comforts of home while things grew increasingly black.
BILL
BILL
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
When I'm Governor...
… I will ask the State Assembly to enact legislation mandating that anyone marrying for the third time respond to all questions pertaining to wedding vows using these words: “Well, for what it’s worth, sure, I guess.”
BILL
BILL
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