Dream Weasel

I dreamt I met writer-director Christopher Nolan. In the dream, he explained the complex workings of the plot to his thoroughly impressive film, Inception. “I get it!,” I cried. “I see how it all comes together now!” Just then, my alarm went off, and morning alertness began washing away the details of the dream as if they never existed at all. Now I’m all confused again.

BILL

Recent Michael Vick quote:

"I miss dogs, man. I always had a family pet, always had a dog growing up. It was almost equivalent to the prison sentence, having something taken away from me for three years. I want a dog just for the sake of my kids, but also me. I miss my companions.”

“I also miss drowning and hanging them when they underperform.”

(OK, I added that last part.)

BILL

Election 2012

Texas Governor Rick Perry is officially in the race, vowing that, if elected president, he would work to make Washington as "inconsequential" to Americans' lives as possible.

In other news, Neo-Nazi Heinrich Moeller has tossed his hat into the ring to head the Jewish Defense League, pledging to “boldly steer the group into the realm of utter irrelevance.”

BILL

I Love To Do This

Whenever I meet a rabid anarchist, I glance over their shoulder with a look of shock on my face and say, “Oh, my God!” Invariably, they turn around. Seeing nothing, they turn back to me, this time catching only a fleeting glimpse of my fist as it thunders into their soon-to-be-bloody face. I then gaze down upon them as they lie dazed along the sidewalk, spitting out teeth, stab my clenched fist high into the air and shout: “Anarchy rules!!!”

BILL

Is This My Lucky Day or What?!

A lady at work brought in some homemade banana bread. Seconds after she peeled away the cellophane, I dove in. As I brought a slice to my lips I realized that it was, in fact, two slices stuck together. Having touched both, good manners dictated neither be returned.

“Look. I meant to take one, but got two accidentally,” I said, taking a generous bite.

“Yeah, right. Tell us about it, Pinocchio,” she replied.

My mouth full, I burst out laughing, spraying the entire plate of banana bread with a fine mist of saliva-caked crumbs, obligating me to seize all of the remaining slices for my personal consumption, to be savored over the course of what turned out to be a marvelous day.

BILL

Is This Hell? (No... It's Iowa)

As a result of a disastrous zero percent showing in the recent Iowa straw poll, I am ending my candidacy for the presidential nomination.

BILL

PS - Oh, and of course this means I’m going back to my original position on the issue of abortion.

"All The President's Men"

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Orientation in Heaven

My spiritual medium pal Rusty informs me that new arrivals are warned never to utter the following to Jesus: “I’ll keep you posted.”

BILL

America NEEDS Kanye West!!

True, we’ve had to suffer another one of his silly rants, this time invoking Adolf Hitler into his woe-is-me diatribe. But let’s face it, we all have moments when we ask ourselves: “Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Have I lost touch with reality?” Kanye West reminds us – time and again – that, no, we’re doing just fine, flawed sinners though we may be. I say we owe him a debt of gratitude. So let me be the first to say: thank you, Kanye.

BILL

My Duet With Tony Bennett

To no one’s surprise, our new single (“Flog Me No More”) took a critical drubbing, one reviewer skewering our effort with: “This clown is not only tone deaf but couldn’t carry a tune if you gave him a bucket. Bill fares no better!”

BILL

"What Do You Want?! An Engraved Invitation?!"

Some time back, I began replying to this in the affirmative and – odd though it may seem – have subsequently amassed a rather sizable and very attractive collection of same.

BILL