Pick Your Poison

I love how Trump says he “thrives on chaos” – code for “incompetence” spun as “chaos” - a quality one would view with abject horror with regards to say: the heart surgeon operating on your one-year old, an air traffic controller, a plumber, a pharmacist, etc.

Yet the rubes applaud this man’s numbskull approach to his job during a little thing I like to call “the nuclear age.” (Which is why I call them “rubes.”)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

It's Always Somethin'

Roseanne (Roseannadanna) - that was an age test by the way - blames her racist tweet on Ambien. Sorry, dear, it doesn’t work that way. The drug merely revealed who you really are. You could pollute me on just about anything and I wouldn’t praise Hitler. The bully child you voted for might, but not me.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

Spotted Elvis this weekend, then realized it was merely an 83-year old man.

BILL

Cluelessness, Thy Name is Trump

Tuesday, Trump extemporaneously downplayed the significance of the midterm elections, departing from the script by asking who wrote what he had just said re how important it is to vote in 2018. This indicates two things, each equally embarrassing. One, Trump evidently reads whatever scrolls before him. And two, he just weakened his hand by increasing the probability that the Democrats will retake the House of Representatives come November. Bear in mind, this is a man who – having both a Republican House and Senate – has failed to get much of any legislation passed, save for those massive tax cuts for himself and other rich folk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Richard N. Goodwin died

He wrote a speech by Robert F. Kennedy that included these words:

"It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustice he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest wall of oppression and resistance."

BILL

Get The Lead Out

When I was a kid, dead batteries were simply chucked into landfills. Over the decades they corroded and all that lead has descended into the water table. Now you throw a stick in any direction you have a pretty good chance of hitting a kid with autism. (Connection maybe?)

BILL

Fun Fact:

More high school students have been killed in mass shootings this year than American military killed in our current foreign wars.

Wellllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: “USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

Strange...

Whenever I utter some sardonic observation and someone says “Tell me about it,” I proceed upon a lengthy and impassioned commentary on the topic, one that - oddly enough - seems to induce a sudden and visibly unmistakable boredom on the part of the listener, quickly followed without fail by what I can only describe as a state of eye-rolling annoyance.

BILL

Tales of Film Dumb

I asked someone once if they had ever seen the ending of the 1967 film “Bonnie & Clyde” starring Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. “I can’t remember exactly,” was their response. “That’s a no,” I replied.

BILL

My New "Stand Your Ground" Law

Climate change deniers in Hawaii currently situated in the probable impact area of the predicted 'explosive eruption' of a volcano should prove the sincerity of their disbelief of science by “standing their ground” and refusing to evacuate.

BILL

The Caliber of The Man

It’s only fitting that he’s number 45, for that’s the gun I at times wish to put to my temple knowing Donald Trump is president.

BILL

Not These Tactics

Witnesses brought in for the Mueller investigation have commented on how polite and professional the FBI has been to them, agents allowing them sufficient break times and granting them time to confer with an attorney if necessary.

Or as Rudy Giuliani calls them: “Storm Troopers.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Free sandwiches!!!

My People – Sandwiches have for too long been oppressed beneath the tyrannical thumb of the man. Give them the freedom they so long for.

Free sandwiches!!!

BILL

From our "Do as I say, not as I do" file.

Bill Cosby used to chastise certain young black men with “Pull up your pants!”

BILL

This I know to be true:

Anyone who says they would like to go to Mars would within one week be bored out of his or her mind. You would be hearing things like: “What do you mean we can’t get Hulu up here?” and “I’d kill for a Starbucks right now!” and “Whatdya mean the game’s not coming on?!” and “I CANNOT get a signal here. Son-of-a…..!!!!

BILL

Forgive your torturers? (Check.) Cadet Heel Spurs? (I'll pass.

U.S. Senator John McCain, dying of brain cancer, has forgiven the Viet Cong who endlessly tortured him but does not want Donald Trump to attend his funeral. This says QUITE a bit about our president who suffered from those noisome heel spurs – from which this obese man has (thankfully!) made a full recovery – but which kept him out of the Vietnam War while McCain suffered the following: had both arms and a leg broken upon ejecting from his aircraft, nearly drowned upon landing, had his shoulder crushed by a rifle butt by his captors, was refused medical treatment at the time, was held as a prisoner of war in solitary confinement for two years, was subjected to rope bindings and repeated beatings every two hours, while at the same time was suffering from dysentery, and to this day is unable to lift his arms properly.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

The 3,000 Club!

According to the Washington Post, Little Donnie has lied over 3,000 times in 466 days. Now this is weird because his trusted advisor, Kellyanne Conway, insists that “the president doesn’t lie.”

Who to believe? Who to believe?

BILL

Rube-Icon

I don’t mind that Ainsley Earhart, the hot blond – a prerequisite for women at FOX - on FOX and Friends has her book “The Light Within Me – An Inspirational Memoir” on the New York Times best seller list. I don’t even mind that there is no reason WHATSOEVER an author would say PRIOR TO ANYONE READING IT that her book will “inspire” others when she has no such idea. I don’t even mind that it is about her relationship with her imaginary friend. I mind that it’s not in the Fiction section.

Now if that sounds harsh, allow me to double down. It blows my mind that someone could write a book purportedly about her relationship with Jesus considering the countless occasions she and her on-air band of sycophants have kissed the ring of the one man who represents the very antithesis of everything Ainsley’s alleged personal lord and savior stands for to such an extent that you could with the straightest of faces call Donald Trump “the anti-Christ.” Now I would label Ms. Earhart a “hypocrite” but she would have to be a Christian first. Sorry, dear, but you don’t qualify. Now head off to your next book signing; I hear the money’s good.

BILL

I Hereby Decree:

I hereby decree that all references to the previously “rapier wit” of Bill Cosby must now be categorized as “rapist wit.”

It is written!

BILL

FOX and The Hannity House

GOD, I love tuning into FOX News these days, savoring the sights and sounds of their collective head exploding over investigations into Trump. Accusations of a potential “perjury trap” should Trump testify untethered to the only logical rejoinder: “Hey, Dipshit! Just don’t lie!”

BILL

A Long, LONG Time Ago...

… way back in the year 2016, a “really, really smart guy” asked “If you‘re innocent why are you pleading the Fifth (Amendment)?”

Hey, don’t ask me, Mr. President, ask your personal attorney, Michael Cohen.

BILL