OUCH!!!

Dammit! I just cut myself on actress Saoirse (“Lady Bird”) Ronan’s nose!!

BILL

Where Was All That Sgt. York Bravado During Vietnam?

Trump says he would have tried to stop the Parkland shooter with his bare hands. I’ll abstain from my usual “heel spurs” rebuttal and instead defer to those wonderful, gumption-packed Parkland survivors: “We call B.S!”

BILL

Using Dana Loesh-ic

If, according to National Rifle Association spokesperson Dana Loesch, the "mainstream media" loves, loves, LOVES mass shootings because they result in high ratings, then one can only conclude that Ms. Loesch loved, loved, LOVED 9/11 since it led to an increase in firearms sales.

BILL

More On Actions Have Consequences

If you happen to have been fond of someone killed in one of our many mass shootings, you have my complete, sincere and heartfelt sympathy, unless of course you voted for president someone who has backed the National Rifle Association at every turn and who has stood steadfast in “protecting the rights of gun owners,” then, well… you do the math.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Good Old Days

It’s tragicomic to compare all of Obama’s “scandals” with those of The Tabloid Clown currently infesting the White House. I mean, I still have nightmares about the time Obama wore that tan suit and FOX News blew a gasket.

BILL

"We know 'P' is Porter"

Poor White House. They can’t even get their cover-ups straight.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

PS: You’ll have to watch “All The President’s Men” to “get” the Subject line.

My Days as a Rodeo Clown Are OVER!!

Not ONCE have I made a bull laugh! In fact – and I’m being quite honest here - these massive beasts appear outright ornery, my scarlet blazers seeming only to set them off all the more.

BILL

What, Me Worry?

“The Administration’s top national security officials have all warned about the Russian threat (to 2018 elections), although Trump continues to minimize it.”*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

* Source: 2/14/18 Los Angeles Times

"The Faith of Donald J. Trump - A Spiritual Biography"

This is an actual book just released book.

(I’m not joking.)

(Seriously, I’m not joking.)

(I mean it; this is not some joke.)

(Look, I realize sometimes I pose things as being real when it’s all just a joke to make a point but this time I’m not.)

(Honestly, I’m not!)

BILL

But Seriously...

I once saw members of the band Chicago in an airport. The trumpet player, Lee Loughnane, was carrying his horn case (even though there were probably several trumpets in a truck heading to their next gig). Circa 1990, I saw Oscar-winning screenwriter Frank Pierson (“Dog Day Afternoon”) in my jury duty pool. I recognized him and confirmed this during the endless roll calls that come with jury duty. Every single day for a week or so he was reading a different book. Whatever “lessons” these unremarkable anecdotes possess can probably best be summed up by “And that’s why he’s the trumpet player in Chicago” and “And that’s why Frank Pierson won an Oscar.”

BILL

The Clapper

Few things annoy me more about Trump than how he claps for himself (as he did during, yes, the State of The Union speech). I caught clips of this later as, during the actual speech itself, I was busy vomiting.

BILL

What's in a Name?

It’s too bad we couldn’t have had a 9/11 level event recently to prevent United Airlines from contaminating what had been since 1921 the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum but shall henceforth be called United Airlines Memorial Coliseum.

Chicago was all set to sell the naming rights to Soldier Field back in 2001 so the historic football field would be called Chase Field. Fortunately, plans were nixed by 19 guys with box cutters. Guess we dodged a bullet there.

BILL

Amber Waves of Groan

I think an Amber Alert should be a frantic whisper between male friends when one of them spots a really hot girl named Amber.

BILL

OK, I Get It. I'm Old.

But I still long to watch episodes of my favorite TV show from the 60s that starred Ken Berry, Forrest Tucker and Larry Storch: “F Trump.”

BILL

Your Cheatin' Heart: A Childhood Memory

During the wayward days of my youth – years before the birds and the bees were explained to me by my devil-may-care brother Smedley – I once asked my father “Daddy, what’s cheating?” As he did on so many occasions, he replied: “Ask your mother.”

BILL

Highest number in history is a lie as well...

“Thank you for all of the nice compliments and reviews on the State of the Union speech. 45.6 million people watched, the highest number in history. @FoxNews beat every other Network, for the first time ever, with 11.7 million people tuning in. Delivered from the heart!”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL