There Indeed Exists a Gonzaga University

And wouldn’t it be so cool if they were nicknamed the Garbanzo Beans? “And here they come onto the field, the Gonzaga Garbanzos!!!” (For what it’s worth, the University of California at Santa Cruz is nicknamed the Banana Slugs.)

BILL

My Fun Drinking Game

Down a shot every time Donald Trump says or tweets something ridiculous. I usually pass out after an hour.

BILL

I'm Set to Star in Sequel To "Big Eyes"

Look for “Big Mouth” to open in theatres next summer.

BILL

Why I Never Order Lobster

I’m sorry, I like to eat my food, not operate on it. I have, however, had crabs several times.

BILL

Waitress says to me "And how are you doing here?"

“Well, my wife left me, someone stole my car, my dog died and I don’t have enough money to cover this meal. And you?”

BILL

How Much Do I Love to Eat?

All my life I’ve wished someone would throw a pie* in my face.

BILL

*preferably banana cream

Whenever I'm Asked If I Can Stand On My Head...

… I reply: “Hell, I could do that standing on my head.”

BILL

"The Imitation Game" is quite impressive and, much like Smuckers...

… with a name like Benedict Cumberbatch, he’s got to be good.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Wisemen Cometh

I played one of the three wise men in the nativity scene in our Sunday school play, enduring taunts of “Hey, look. Two wise men!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

You Know If These Street Protests Go On Much Longer

I really can see cops nationwide more or less saying, “You know, it’s pretty obvious by now you don’t like us. What do you say we all take the day off, say, next Tuesday? Maybe we can change your mind.”

BILL

Bet The Farm On This One

Anytime someone being interviewed is asked a question, then avoids the question and when told he is avoiding the question responds “I’ll answer the question the way I want” he is on the wrong side of the issue and – worse – knows he is. (I’m talking to you, Tavis Smiley.) Good God, I’m agreeing with Sean Hannity. Build a memorial.

BILL

As He IS The Expert Witness...

… having been tortured repeatedly during the Vietnam War, Senator John McCain said this Tuesday: "Our enemies act without conscience. We must not.”

BILL

She Even Sounds Like an Idiot

(NEWS ITEM)

Fox News host Andrea Tantaros had a somewhat unique reaction to the Senate Intelligence Committee report on CIA torture programs, which included for example forcing hummus into a detainee's rectum and threatening to rape a detainee's mother.

"The United States of America is awesome. We are awesome, but we've had this discussion" about torture, Tantaros said. “The reason they want to have this discussion is not to show how awesome we are;" rather, "this administration wants to have this discussion to show us how we're not awesome." This is because "they apologized for this country, they don't like this country, they want us to look bad. And all this does is have our enemies laughing at us, that we are having this debate again."


BILL

Mavis Loved Chicken Fingers

Till the day she saw a man dressed all in yellow sprinting from the back of her local grocery store, eyes wild and lost with screams to match, both hands splayed, displaying only the bloody stubs of what once were called fingers.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm Depressed

Had a fight with my girlfriend. Got more depressed when I realized I don’t even have a girlfriend.

BILL

Everything I Need to Know About Cops I Learned in Kindergarten

Never resist arrest.

Never resist arrest if you are massively obese and have an asthma condition that might prove problematic when resisting arrest against officers who have no such prior knowledge re your medical condition.

Never try to take away an officer’s gun while resisting arrest.

Never steal an item and carry it in the open prior to trying to take away an officer’s gun just after having resisted arrest.

Never walk down the middle of the street impeding traffic after having stolen an item and carrying it in the open just prior to trying to take away an officer’s gun just while resisting arrest.

Never place your hands up as if to say “I’m not a threat” while having done the opposite for the prior minute when trying to take away an officer’s gun during the process of resisting arrest.

Do I need to go on?

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Thanks For Nothing, WGA!

I had a friend named Red. His last name was October. He got lost once and we all went searching for him. I sold the movie rights to Hollywood and they turned it into some stupid submarine flick.

Idiots.

BILL

I Can Be So Stupid

I just learned that a “cheat sheet” is a helpful hints summary and not the linens upon which my ex-wife committed her numerous infidelities.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

While My Favorite Movie is "The Deer Hunter"...

… and I’m not necessarily “against” hunting, someone is going to have to explain to me why so many hunters are so “proud” of their kills. You know, up to and including posting photos on Facebook and carcass heads onto their den walls. Seriously, what is there to be proud of? The animal is defenseless, unintelligent, you have a scope on your rifle and you personally inflicted an agonizing death upon the animal’s last moments of existence. Disagree? Take one in the chest and see if I change your mind. And don’t talk to me about the physicality of the hunt because that would pretty much include an unarmed walk in the woods. Besides, half of you are obese.

“Oh, Bill, you’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t hunt.”

You’re right; I don’t. But in answer to the question please. I get the happy part. You get to eat the meat for free (even though if it were any good, there would be deer farms by the thousands and there would be a restaurant chain called TGI Antlers). It’s the “pride” part that baffles me.

“Oh, Bill, you just don’t get it.”

I know! That’s what I’m saying! I don’t get it. That’s why I’m asking! Hell, I’m begging you. What’s with the pride?

BILL

Manners, Ferguson!

Because nothing says “moral high ground” like a brand new high-def color television set.

BILL

Another "Scandal" Bites The Dust

NEWS ITEM: (Washington – 11/24/14) – “The CIA and the military acted properly in responding to the 2012 attack on a US diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, a Republican-controlled House committee has found. Its report concluded that there was no wrongdoing by Obama administration officials.”

EDITORIAL: Nice try, FOX News. It was a noble, two-year effort. (OK, it was a two-year effort.)

BILL

"Interstellar" (Plot Spoiler Alert)

At the end of the day, Christopher Nolan’s deep, richly themed and impressive epic space travel movie proves one thing: the average guy (“Coop” in this film) will cross time and space as we know it in order to be afforded the chance to spend time alone with Anne Hathaway.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Take the “I Refuse to Shop on Thanksgiving” pledge:

It goes like this: “I refuse to shop on Thanksgiving!” (Pass it on!)

BILL

Stop The Culture of Dependency!

For too long fertilized eggs have depended upon the impassioned advocacy of anti-abortionists, a culture of dependency to which I’m sure even FOX News would concede. The time has come to stop this insanity. Join Pro-Choice forces today!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Recent @BillBekkala Tweet:

If I’m Bill Cosby and I KNOW I’m innocent of a rape charge, I’m ADAMANT about paying for mutual lie detector tests. Cos, what say you?

BILL

Five Worst States For Women

NEWS ITEM: 24/7 Wall Street looked at all of the states to determine which are the worst for women from the standpoint of leadership opportunities, healthcare, education, etc. The results?

#5 North Dakota

#4 Mississippi

#3 Idaho

#2 Wyoming

#1 Utah.

EDITORIAL: Huh! What do you know?! They’re all red states. Go figure….

BILL

Thing There Should Be a Name For:

The three second delay from the time you bring your fingers to the keyboard to type your screen lock password till the moment you remember that password.

BILL

Rebuttal Time

Should you ever encounter someone who utters the term “humanism” or “humanistic,” intending either in a disparaging light, ask them: “Why are you so ashamed of being human?”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Home of The Brave Alert

NEWS ITEM: A few short weeks ago a majority of Americans feared an outbreak of Ebola would rage out of control in the United States. Today the U.S. is Ebola free.

EDITORIAL: But nice try, FOX News. Next time, how about leaving it to the experts? (Oh, and, you might want to think about applying that same logic to climate change as well.)

BILL

Mr. Bekkala Goes to Washington

In 2003, Republicans in congress “punished” France for not joining our war with Iraq (success date TBD) by renaming French fries and French toast “freedom fries” and “freedom toast” in congressional cafeterias. I visited Washington and the Capitol that year and ordered both. Deciding to have fun with it, I informed the person behind the counter “and give me some freedom lasagna” and “one of them freedom burgers” and “hey, live a little, gimme a freedom banana split while you’re at it” and “there’s always room for freedom Jello.”

He looked at me as if I was some jerk. So I impugned his patriotism by saying “Hey, I love this country, buster!” I then complained to his supervisor and got him fired.

That was a good day. Let freedom ring.

BILL

From Our Chickens Have Come Home to Roost File

NEWS ITEM: “Just because we have a two-party system doesn’t mean we have to be in perpetual conflict,” Mitch McConnell, the presumptive new Senate majority leader said Tuesday night.

EDITORIAL: Gee, Mitch, you had six years to say this. Why the wait? Oh, that’s right. The veto pen….

BILL

It May Be White But It Sure Ain't Milk

Had a terrible time at the West Hollywood Halloween Parade. My Dan White costume is absolutely caked with blood.

BILL

The Word Isn't "Vote" But It's Prettttttttttttttttty Close

Well, GOP, after six years of nakedly letting it be known that your entire goal was to stand in the way of whatever the President wanted to do, strap yourself in for two years of phrases like “requires more study,” “this bill is fatally flawed,” “the timing is just not right,” “this isn’t the America I know,” etc., etc.

I have to say, I’m going to enjoy this.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Home of The Brave Alert

NEWS ITEM: LOUISVILLE, Ky., Nov 3 (Reuters) - A teacher at a Louisville, Kentucky, Catholic school has resigned rather than take paid leave after parents raised concerns about her trip to Kenya, half a continent away from the Ebola epidemic in western Africa, WDRB Channel 41 TV reported.

EDITORIAL: “… and the home of theeeeeeeeeee braveeeeeeeeee!!”

BILL

"Insult a man's music, you insult the man."

Believe it or not, an original line, one which the guys in my polka accordion trio loved.

BILL

What's In a Name?

Surprised and heartbroken by the lack of walk-in business, Omar wept the day he closed up shop forever and took down the sign to "The Coroner Bakery."

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

An Open Letter to All Politicians

You know, whenever I see your TV ads end with you strolling down the beach, hand in hand with your spouse, the kids trailing and smiles abounding , I think to myself: “Now there’s someone who’s going to be looking at his watch wondering when he/she can get home to the wife/husband and kids.”

Vote for the unmarried today! They’ll take the time to work on the problems facing our city/county/state/nation. The rest of you? Go home and play with your kids.

BILL

Hey, FOX News' Megyn Kelly!

You forgot to ask Weather Channel founder/climate change skeptic John Coleman if he was a climate scientist. (Oops, he’s not. Just a former weatherman on TV.)*

BILL

*And for the record, if I ever have a wall plaster problem, I won’t consult a climate scientist.

"Hi, Jack!"

I screamed from First Class upon spotting my college roomy at the rear of the plane. Damn air marshal tazed me. Now that was a bad day.

BILL

The Ferguson, Missouri Injustice Continues Re Michael Brown!!!

Who will stand up and say, per the video of this huge young man physically threatening a much smaller shopkeeper after stealing cigars – yes, cigars - right in front of him, that the world is a better place without him.

(sigh) Guess it’s gonna have to be me.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

One Could Say Compassion Saved Waylon Jennings' Life

In 1959, Buddy Holly hired Jennings to play bass during the “Winter Dance Party Tour.” In Clear Lake, Iowa Holly chartered a plane to fly to the next venue. Jennings gave up his airplane seat to J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson, who had the flu. (I should note that the tour bus had previously frozen over and the weather was bitterly cold.) The plane, as we all know, crashed with no survivors, thus born the phrase “the day the music died.”

BILL

PS – The cynic of course could say Waylon Jennings killed the Big Bopper.


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Less is More Arguing

Back in my days of “wedded bliss,” my now ex was amendable to partaking in my minimalist ways, i.e. throwing out one item per day in order to lessen clutter about our tiny hovel. She was, however, less enamored with my idea that we start with her.

BILL

Admit It, Hunters:

It’s not the hunting; it’s the killing part you like. Otherwise you’d be using a paint gun.

BILL

The Sunshine State: Bright As Always

NEWS ITEM: Former Florida Rep. Allen West declared President Obama an Islamist who is intentionally working against the security of the United States. “The only plausible explanation for many actions taken by President Obama and his administration is that they are working counter to the security of the United States of America,” the former Florida congressman and retired U.S. Army lieutenant colonel wrote.

EDITORIAL: There is one other possibility, sir: You're insane.

BILL

SOME Good News Re Ebola

Officials at the Centers for Disease Control have confirmed, per skype sessions with the President, that he is wearing his flag pin.

I can only speak for myself, but I’m breathing a sigh of relief.

BILL

I One Told My Ex, Zelda:

“You’re my northern star: a round, dim orb in a fixed position millions of miles away.”

BILL

My Dad Grew Up On Tunnel Street and Became a Mining Engineer

Sadly, I grew up on Putz Lane.

BILL

Question Re "Latte"-Gate

If – as some say - the President wanted to disrespect soldiers, why did he salute at all?

BILL

"The Day Reagan Was Shot"

Caught this 2001 film recently and, I must say, the President was portrayed as nothing short of heroic. After being shot, he nevertheless refuses a gurney, staggers upright into the hospital, acknowledging those around him, cracking self-deprecating jokes and downplaying the severity of what was, in fact, an extremely dangerously positioned bullet, so much so that the Secret Serviceman who vetoed plans to have Reagan driven to the White House, was told by the ER physician that Reagan would have been dead by then.

The bottom line, however, is this. Seeing how this film was made by Hollywood liberals, I can only assume the aforementioned were all shameless lies and that Reagan did, in fact, set a new gold standard for craven cowardice on that day back in 1981.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Thoughts on ISIS

Seriously, I think every religious person who quite rightly abhors these barbarians should raise his or her hand and say, “You know, I have to take some of the blame for these atrocities as well, for, just like ISIS, I too make a daily practice of seeking wisdom from a book thousands of years old that was cobbled together by women-hating desert-dwellers who believed in sea serpents and thought if someone sailed too far in any one direction they would fall off the edge of the earth. They’re just a little more consistent in their numbskull beliefs and, yes, far more sincere than I.”

BILL

Just Keep Talking, Rush. You're Doing GREAT!

NEWS ITEM: Radio host Rush Limbaugh suggested on Monday that President Barack Obama is refusing to divert flights from Ebola-infected countries and close down America’s borders because he believes that the nation “deserves” to be infected with the virus given its history of perpetuating slavery.

EDITORIAL: Don’t really think we need one, do we?

BILL

Paul Revere Died

The Raiders are pretty much finished, too.

BILL

Try This Some Time

The next time someone utters the term “humanism” or “humanistic,” intending such in a disparaging light, ask them: “Why are you so ashamed of being human?”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

(Off for ten days. Battery recharging. See ya!)

FOX News' Elizabeth Hasselbeck is "Crowing" About Bringing Back The Poll Test

While you can look this up on your own, I was unable to read the article in further detail as I was too busy counting the number of bubbles on a bar of soap.

BILL

The Day Before Mount St. Helens Erupted Back in 1980...

… my cousin Leroy refused to evacuate his Washington state cabin, labeling the scientists warning that the volcano could blow at any minute “alarmists.”

You’ll notice I don’t mention cousin Leroy all that much.

BILL

Something Not So Wicked This Way Comes

When I read the novel “Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West,” I didn’t really like it. I kept thinking: “She’s not wicked.” Another few chapters later. “Still not wicked.” A few more chapters and I started sounding like George Costanza from Seinfeld: “Can we get some wicked over here? Waiting on wicked! Need some wicked here!” Alas, it never happened. Interpret as you will.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Brother Smedley Has Named His Dog After Me!

A Labrador retriever with boundless energy, little Shithead is tearing up the place I’m told.

BILL

Quote from GOP Senator Lindsey Graham re ISIS:

“This president needs to rise to the occasion before we ALL get killed back here at home.” That’s right, a ragtag group of deeply religious head slicers are going to invade and defeat the world’s most powerful military.

Meanwhile back on planet Earth…

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

If I Ran An Oil Company

And someone came to me suggesting I should use some of my profits to seek alternative energy sources, I would say to them:

“I run an oil company.”

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

I Took The Ice Bucket Challenge!!

OK, maybe not the ice bucket, but the water was icy. Or at least cold anyway. At least when it first came on. Could have been lukewarm; I’m not altogether sure, as I was pretty sleepy.

OK, I showered this morning.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Kira Kazantsev

OK, rubes, here’s your chance to once again claim “I want my country back!” in the wake of Miss America having both parents from, that’s right, Russia! Have at it.

(Oh wait, sorry. She’s the right color. My mistake.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Back When I Lived in Tornado Alley

Whenever tornado warnings came in, I of course ignored them, deeming the folks who filed such reports “alarmists.” Up until the day a 2x4 slammed into my head at 150 mph during a tornado. (This also explains to some extent why I am such an odd duck.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm Dating Scarlett Johansson

But I’m pretty sure she’s seen at least one episode of M*A*S*H.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Hahahaha! Keepin' It Real! You Go, FOX News!!

NEWS ITEM LOS ANGELES (AP) — Banter by two Fox News Channel hosts about video showing football player Ray Rice hitting his future wife has come under fire.
The "Fox & Friends" hosts, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy, made their on-air comments Monday while discussing newly released video showing Rice hitting Janay Palmer in an elevator in February.

Kilmeade said that the lesson to be learned was, in his words, "take the stairs."

Doocy responded that the message is to remember that elevators include cameras.



EDITORIAL: Few things put a broad, belly-tickling smile on my face like two male anchors coming to the chuckling defense of a wife beater. Where else can you find this type of fair and balanced coverage but FOX news?

Twitter: @BillBekkala

What's The Difference Between The NFL's Jerry Rice and Ray Rice?

One was a wide receiver who beat defenders to the punch. The other has no defense for beating his future wife with a punch.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Live and Learn: A Childhood Memory (Holy Cow, I Think He's Serious!)

When I lost the Pinewood Derby during Cub Scouts, I pouted away like the ten-year-old child I was, throwing out my “losing” model car, which broke off one of the wheels. Later – cue my Catholic guilt - remembering the time and effort my Dad and I put into making it, I pulled it from the trash. Nearly half a century later, this broken model car now rests upon my dresser at home, serving as my daily reminder that, in life, you don’t always get what you want.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

A Man Too Dumb To See The Irony

NEWS ITEM: Dumb Dynasty star Phil Rubertson on ISIS: 'Convert them or kill them.”

EDITORIAL: Oh, well. At least they’re on the same page.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Call Me Crazy But...

I don’t think it necessarily makes me a bad person just because I like to visit assisted living facilities and pull the fire alarms.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm Shocked! SHOCKED I Tell You!

With California’s recent increase in “personal belief exemptions,” i.e. parents who do not “believe” in the societal health benefits of child vaccinations and who thus request that their child not be vaccinated, scientists – “alarmists” as I like to call them - are now reporting a resurgence of measles across the state, as well as the possibility of outbreaks of other serious diseases.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Granted I'm Agnostic...

… but I must admit my heart is warmed by the notion that, when I finally cross over to the other side, I shall be greeted by deceased relatives. Many of them owe me money.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

"Atheist Suicide Bomber Claims 58 Lives; Injures Several More!"

I’m just messin’ with you. That never happens.

BILL

Gives Whole New Meaning to The Phrase "Just Joshin' Ya."

As a result of his recently debunked tale of life-saving heroics, USC defensive back Josh Shaw must now face the same scalding ignominy as did I when I fibbed about having ridden on the 2003 Space Shuttle Columbia mission. Man, did that whopper crash and burn.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Take The "Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge!"

In my never-ending zeal to slice the throat of what I deem “intrusive, regulation-obsessed big government,” I am urging friend and foe alike – OK, mostly foes – to take the “Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge.” You know what I’m talking about. Those noisome seismic engineers claiming to prevent future loss of life by shackling property owners with the burden of rendering structures somewhat less prone to, well, completely crumbling during a severe earthquake. You get the point.

Anyway, there is a hilarious YouTube clip of my pal Freddie Flatnow taking the “Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge,” wherein he sat cross-legged on the lawn and we dumped a nine-hundred pound sack of cinder blocks on his head. I’m telling you it was hysterical! Even the coroner guys couldn’t help but laugh at the video.

Check it out on YouTube at “Our-Crush-On-Freddie-RIP.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Grimace When a Song is Ruined

How gorgeous was Sara Bareilles’ moving rendition of “Smile” during the In Memoriam section of the Emmy Awards last night? For the first time ever, I believed the words.

But breathe easy, Kanye West, because what had been the dumbest move of all time at an awards show, i.e. your seizing the mike from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to genuflect at the altar of Queen Beyonce, was trumped last night by the intrusive bombardment of audio clips of the recently departed being repeatedly shoehorned into the quieter moments of the song. (My personal favorite? A whoosh of audience applause as comic David Brenner departs a stage which swung in like Tarzan on a vine.) All in all, a classic lesson in “more is less.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Self-Righteousness Arose at An Early Age

Well I can recall disowning my best friend Coy Miller for carving Charles Manson’s initials into a tree.

BILL

Contrary to marketing expectations...

… Mister Potato Famine Head proved an ill-advised choice by the good folks at Milton-Bradley.

BILL

(PS: Off next week.)

You're Crazy, Uncle Billy!

Hey, I realize this might well make me the odd man out but I gotta be honest: In the film “It’s a Wonderful Life” Bedford Falls seems a far more hip and fun place once we learn George Bailey had never been born. Gin joints! Jazz! I mean, the place is jumpin’!

BILL

Who Said "Charity Begins at Home?"

I mean, you know, apart from someone who never gives money to charity?

BILL

Clubbing Baby Seals

BABY SEAL ONE: Hey, barkeep, gimme a 7 and 7! Keep the change.

BABY SEAL TWO: Wow! Check her out, bud. Shake those whiskers, baby.

BILL

Apparently Flames Aren't The Only Thing That Shoot Out of His Mouth

NEWS ITEM: In doing press for the new AMC series 4th and Loud -- about his KISS-branded Arena Football League team - Gene Simmons was asked if he had followed the Donald Sterling incident.

"I'm on the side of Sterling," he replied. Although he admits Sterling is "heinous," he opines that he should have been let off with a fine, since the rant occurred in private.

He went on to insinuate that all people make racist rants or off-color jokes in private: "Because you say an off-color joke or make a racist rant privately, that causes you to lose a job -- nobody would have a job!"

EDITORIAL: Sorry, Gene, but I don’t make “racist rants,” Nor do any of my friends. The reason for this is because – unlike you apparently – we’re not racists. (All of this is painfully ironic, of course, considering the fact that you’re Jewish.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This Woman is an Idiot

Climate change denying Republican candidate for Louisiana Congress Lenar Whitney tweets the following: Libs criticize me because I am not a scientist: "you're a politician, what do you know about global warming" To that I have two words: AL GORE

Unfortunately, her “logic” is fallacious. For a non-scientist, one entirely unschooled in climate science, to assert that she knows better than the near unanimity of scientists worldwide is to believe and not to think. As for her smug use of “Al Gore” as supreme rebuttal, I’m afraid the argument does not work in that direction. And why? Because, unlike her, Al Gore is deferring to the judgment of thousands of trained scientists who have studied this data for decades. In the documentary “An Inconvenient Truth,” he was – forgive me, Al – merely the mouthpiece for the findings of scientists.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Crumbling Infrastructure

As with climate change, it is scientists and engineers making the claims as to the perils of our outdated - and therefore dangerous – infrastructure. Or, as I like to call them, “alarmists.” Furthermore -er wait – 20 million gallons of water just erupted from a 100 year old water main, flooding UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion. Gotta run.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

When I Told Her I Enjoyed Short Stories...

… she asked “Are you a fan of O. Henry?” To which I said “Are you kidding?! I love those candy bars!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Wouldn't It Be Great If An Interviewer Asked This of Kanye West?

“What is your personal definition of a dickhead? And please don’t hide behind angrily retorting something like ‘you’ because, while I think there could be no finer compliment paid to someone than to be called a ‘dickhead’ by Kanye West, that would – technically speaking - be an ‘example.’ What I’m asking for is your personal definition of a dickhead. The floor is yours.”

OK, if not that, then an interview of him with Bill O’Reilly, each party pledging in writing to write a check to the other’s favorite charity if they should be the one to initiate physical contact with the other in any way, shape or form.

C’mon, admit it that would be one fascinating interview.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

If They're So "Lame," Why Are You Running Away From Them?

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: We need the Republican party now more than ever. For the jokes, man, for the jokes. And, yes, per her own words, only a Republican would claim that she can be “destroyed” by a question….

Republican congressional candidate fled her interview with a major election-forecasting group after being asked why she believed global warming was a hoax and whether President Barack Obama was born in the United States, according to The Washington Post.

David Wasserman, the House editor at the Cook Political Report, detailed his strange encounter with the "frightening" and "fact-averse" Louisiana State Rep. Lenar Whitney.

Whitney, who is running for Louisiana's open sixth district, gained some prominence in June when she released a campaign video blasting global warming as a "hoax" and the press as "lamestream media." Wasserman said he pressed Whitney on the issue of climate change only to find her unable to answer his questions.

"But it’s not unreasonable to expect candidates to explain how they arrived at their positions, and when I pressed Whitney repeatedly for the source of her claim that the earth is getting colder, she froze and was unable to cite a single scientist, journal, or news source to back up her beliefs," he wrote.

Wasserman said he attempted to "change the subject" and ask whether she believed Obama was born in the United States. Her aides then ended the interview.
"When she replied that it was a matter of some controversy, her two campaign consultants quickly whisked her out of the room, accusing me of conducting a 'Palin-style interview,'" he continued. "It was the first time in hundreds of Cook Political Report meetings that a candidate has fled the room."
Whitney could not immediately be reached for comment.


BILL

PS: Man, I even love her Facebook post following it, Whitney slammed the Cook Political Report. "It was obvious, from the onset of the interview, that Wasserman had planned to jump me simply because I am a Conservative Woman and liberal shills like Dave Wasserman want to destroy us," she wrote.

Worse, I'm Still Paying Alimony!

I once told my ex, Zelda, that I could do a spot on imitation of Droopy. She rolled her eyes and mumbled: “Like you have to tell me?”

BILL

Try This Some Time

Whenever someone says “Ain’t that the truth?” respond: “Well, the truth – hazy conclusion though it oftentimes can be – is, in fact, relative, depending to a large extent upon the perceptions, experiences and, yes, biases of the individual passing judgment at whatever particular moment. Now, as to your specific query, I suppose, yes, in this limited instance and since I was the one declaring the original supposition to which you responded in the affirmative, it truly is, indeed, the truth.”

I do this, and you should see the looks get.

BILL

The Day My Two-Year Old Had a Heart Operation

Hey, I’ll admit it, I became a tad concerned when I saw the chest surgeon texting during the operation, but then I thought: “Hey, no biggie. I text while driving. It’s all good.”

Sadly, Festus died.

BILL

Oh, Bill, It's Just a Harmless Fantasy...

At a “Game of Thrones” panel at the 2011 San Diego Comic-Con, actor Jason Momoa said his favorite part of his role on the HBO show is that he gets to “rape beautiful women and have them fall in love with me.”

Now to truly appreciate just how detestable this remark is, just scoot it down Repugnance Road a wee bit further by, oh, I don’t know, adding the word “toddler” maybe.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Why I'm So Socio-Politically Minded:

It was my ever-impassioned high school social studies teacher, Jeb McFlinty, who lit a fire under this student, punishment it seems for talking in class. I recovered from the burns quite nicely and McFlinty continues to reside at the Rockland Home for The Criminally Insane.

BILL

Request To The Dearest of Armed Friends

Should I ever memorize my HMO Identification number, just shoot me.

BILL

Of James Garner

Many times I was compared to the handsome, non-aggressively masculine, affable and charismatic late actor (“Maverick,” Rockford Files,” etc.), each time the comparison coming up woefully lacking.

BILL

Creep Scope: A Childhood Memory

The battered self-esteem of my youth reached high tide I believe when – upon hearing that a girl had referred to me as “that really creepy guy” – I replied to a friend: “C’mon, I’m not that creepy.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

How To Spot An Uninspired RomCom

When viewing “coming attractions,” if a familiar pop song starts at the two-thirds point of the trailer, it’s best to avoid the movie altogether. (Just trust me on this one....)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Just Found Out I'm Lactose Intolerant

Which pretty much explains why I loathe my next door neighbors, John and Mary Lactose.

BILL

Crazy as FOX News

So FOX News commentator Bill O’Reilly says - with utter casualness – that we as Americans are simply going to have to get used to mass shootings, with Americans blithely killing other Americans.

Wellllllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

My Anti-Bucket List

I don’t have a bucket list, you know, those things in life you want to get to before kicking the bucket. I have a “fuck it list.” Things like: Parasailing? Fuck it; that’s never gonna happen. I’m too chicken shit. Catch a Broadway show? Fuck it. I’m too cheap and the tickets are too expensive. See the Grand Canyon? Fuck it; it’s a goddamn hole. What’s the big deal?

I’m sure you have a few if your own…

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Mama Told Me: "You Better Not Shop Around"

“Never go shopping with a woman.”

Joseph N. Byerson

aka Grumpy Joe
aka Frustrated Joe
aka Filing Joe
aka Newly Single Joe
aka Lonely Joe
aka Drinking Joe
aka Sober Joe
aka Dating Joe
aka Engaged Joe
aka Married Joe
aka Shopping Joe

BILL

OK, Murrieta, We Get It! You're Pissed!

Now just shut the fuck up and sign my petition to tear down the Statue of Liberty! *

BILL

*Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"



Twitter: @BillBekkala

This Might Get Me Into Hell on a Tie-Breaker

Caught “Life Itself” this weekend, the documentary on film critic Roger Ebert and, while I enjoyed the film, I nevertheless felt it was missing something. Turned out it was Roger’s lower jaw.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

AMC's Series "Halt and Catch Fire"

Or, if it were set in Los Angeles, “Halt or Catch Fire.”

BILL

We Buried Great Aunt Millicent Today

So tragic, and while obviously I’m in mourning, I’m pretty pissed too, because the dogs have dug her up twice already.

BILL

Should You Encounter Resistance in Your Life's Dream...

… remember this: per a book I’m reading by playwright Christopher Durang, when he was at Yale University with a particular young actress, the head of the Acting Department wanted to toss the young lady from the program. This validated in the mind of the head of the Drama Department that this guy was sufficiently nuts, so he fired him rather than booting Meryl Streep.

BILL

Dog of The Hair

While, granted, there exists no true cure for a hangover brought on by excessive drinking, the cure for excessive drinking tends to be a truly memorable hangover.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Mom Used To Wash My Mouth Out With Soap

Joke’s on you, Mom. Not only do I still swear but my favorite song is “Tiny Bubbles.”

BILL

In a Galaxy Far, Far Away....

… I wonder if the bible for other planets starts with “In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth” or if it’s customized for each planet? You know. “In the beginning God created the heavens and the Xorac?”

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

If There's Such Thing as Reincarnation...

… I’d like to come back as Hitler’s dog, just so I can piss on his carpet.

BILL

OK, Now THAT Was a Surprise!

Picked up a bottle of vino from the Coppola Winery and it came with a complimentary horse’s head.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

When I was in the FBI Witness Protection Program...

… I visited the “Cheers” bar – of 90s TV sitcom fame - in Boston. It was one of the most unsettling experiences of my life.

BILL

Doing Somethin' Stupid in The Summer Of Love

When I was a lad I just loved the Frank and (daughter) Tina Sinatra hit “Somethin’ Stupid.” “I wanna sing Somethin’ Stupid!” I would say time and again, to which my brother Smedley would reply: “Every song you sing is something stupid.”

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Fault in Our Bars

I always thought “drunken Irishman” was redundant. I can say this because, in point of fact, I’m part Irish.

(Oh! And I’m a drunk.)

BILL



Twitter: @BillBekkala

Dumb Ass With Texas

Dear Governor Rick Perry: Since you assert that gays can (essentially) be encouraged into not being gay, I’m wondering if you feel you could be coached into being gay? And if not, why not?

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Letter To The Editor - 6/17/14 Los Angeles Times

I well recall the day 41 years ago when I first heard radio host Casey Kasem, his warmly hypnotic voice so exuding the equally warm and comforting notion that music can and does bring people together.

A decade later, in March 1983, I would have a long-distance dedication (“Beautiful Noise”) aired on “American Top 40” for a close friend. While that Neil Diamond song is an homage to the wondrously chaotic “noise” of a city street, I could never in good conscience use such a term when describing the voice of Kasem.

For that, I can only use “sound.” That beautiful sound.

Rest in peace, Casey.

William P. Bekkala

Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Chuck Noll and Deejay Casey Kasem

Both died recently. One of them dedicated his professional life to hits and smashes ”coast-to-coast.” The other hosted American Top 40.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King."

Sadly, however, the three-eyed man pretty much remains relegated to the status of a freak.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Never Start a Sentence With The Word "And"

And if I have to explain why then you’re a fucking idiot.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Daddy, what's "irony" mean?

Irony, son, would be an assault rifle shooting spree at the studios of FOX News.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

An Open Letter to the Media:

Unless the body count exceeds twenty, please stop pestering me with your noisome rampage killing stories (Isla Vista, Seattle Pacific, Las Vegas, etc.). They are so 1995. Besides, it distracts me from keeping up with the Kardashians.

BILL

PS: Oh! (Almost forgot.) USA!! USA!! USA!!!


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Open Mouth Advocates I Beseech Thee!

Inspired by the actions of the Open Carry advocates who assert that – in their words: “A Right Unexercised is a Right Lost” - might I ask each of you when at a fast food restaurant and some of these rubes come in, after they place their order and set their assault rifle on the booth seat beside them, walk up to them and exercise your right to free speech by standing there and uttering the word “Guadalupe” repeatedly. Yes, I mean just stand proudly three feet away and – inspired by their example of exercising one’s constitutional rights – utter repeatedly:

“Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe!”

Then hope they get the point that just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should do it….

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

That Great Tom Joad speech from 1940's "The Grapes of Wrath"

“Wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready, and when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise and livin' in the houses they build - I'll be there, too. And if there’s a box of donuts lyin’ about, you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be there, too. “

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

What Kind of Wood Doesn't Float?

Petrified Bulgarian Astor wood. Known for its particularly high density, when submerged in water, it nevertheless possesses a strong ability for absorption rarely found in nature that causes it to sink at a surprisingly brisk pace.

BILL

Cc: Natalie Wood

Ashes to Ashes: A Childhood Memory

It was on the windblown bluffs of Brockway Mountain Drive in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula that this eight year old boy heard his father say, “Yup, this is where I want my ashes scattered.”

“Right here?” I inquired, gazing out across what I had heard my father refer to several times as “God’s country.”

“Right here,” Dad said, pulling over to the side and stopping the car. My father got out and strolled near the edge of one of the rocky bluffs, staring lovingly over the verdant land below. I took this as my cue and pulled the ashtray from the car and proceeded to empty the contents just beside my cigarette-sucking father. Just then, an unruly gust of wind blew the bulk of the ashes directly into Dad’s face.

Man, was he pissed.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Call Me Crazy But...

… I think they should serve pork chops and applesauce at the wake of actress Ann B. Davis (Alice of “The Brady Bunch”). Then again I’m the guy who got drunk at Betty Ford’s wake.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Draught Joke

The Wisers – husband and wife – were stunned at the unfeeling ruthlessness of the playground, learning as they just had that the other kids his age had nicknamed their firstborn “Bud.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From The 9/11 Terrorists

- Live for today!
- Just like the Boys Scouts, always keep a sharp blade handy
- Take one for the team.
- Be brave!
- Aim high!
- When it comes to walls, heed The Doors and “Break on through to the other side.”
- Every now and then just go a little crazy!
- Be sincere in your religious beliefs.
- Sacrifice for causes you believe in.
- Don’t worry about smooth landings, just fly like there’s no tomorrow!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Who's On First II

Got into a wicked argument about 9/11 with my friend Ben Gozzi. He called 9/11 an “act of terror.”

“No, it wasn’t,” I replied, exasperation showing right from the get go. “It was terrorism, not an act of terror! What are you crazy?”

“What’s the difference?” Ben asked, looking confused.

“The difference is that one is terrorism and the other is an act of terror!”

“And how would you define terrorism?”

“To engage in acts of terror.”

We went back and forth on this until we each realized we couldn’t remember which side either of us was on. Oh well.

BILL

I'm Always "Amused" By This Q&A:

Question: What was Elliot Rodger before he went on his Isla Vista killing rampage? Answer: a law-abiding citizen.

BILL

Watch for me on Access Hollywood!

In the final preparation stage of my ambush of the best man’s toast at the Kanye West/Kim Kardashian wedding reception, wherein I shall pledge my undying love to Taylor Swift. It’s gonna be great!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Billy Buzz Kill Alert:

Two-thirds of the screenwriters of “Animal House” are dead. Harold Ramis recently and the suicide of Doug Kenney (the Harvard-educated co-founder of National Lampoon magazine) back in 1980. Ramis had I think one of the nicest quotes about a person ever uttered: “Doug was such a gracious guy -- he had this incisive, killer humor. You knew he could destroy you if he wanted to. Part of his grace was in not destroying you.”

BILL

PS – Unfortunately, Kenney leaped off a cliff to his death in Hawaii, sparking Ramis – evidently incapable of resisting a zinger no matter the target - to say of his friend: “Doug probably slipped looking for a place to jump.”


Twitter: @BillBekkala

HEADLINE: Turkey Mine Disaster Highlights Poor Safety Record

NEWS ITEM: The mine explosion in western Turkey that has claimed 283 lives so far and 140 missing could become the nation's worst ever mining disaster, prompting calls from the opposition to investigate poor safety standards.

EDITORIAL: But that would be deemed “big government hindering freedom” and that would just be wrong. So can we just get more body bags then? Hey! We needs more body bags! You! Over here! More body bags! Will someone, for the love of Pete, get me some more body bags!?”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Daddy, what’s ‘irony’ mean?

Irony, son, would be when you illegally download “12 Years a Slave.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Should The Day Arrive When I Need to Use a Cane...

… I’m going to buy a monocle and top-hat just to go all out.

BILL

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Who cares about the US Postal Service? The Defense Department spent $683.7 billion last year and has yet to show a profit!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Not Raw Humor

It’s a little known fact that actor Kevin Bacon declined doing harsher drugs in high school for the simple fact that he did not want to become known as “fried Bacon.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Of Jury Duty

Should you ever find yourself returning from jury duty – and by that I mean having gone into the jury room and arriving at a verdict – only to encounter someone later who, basking in a hot tub of ignorance as to the facts of the case, has the temerity to say: “Did you throw the book at them?!” (or words to that effect), have the courage to look them in the eye and say:

“You know how you read about cases where someone is freed from prison after languishing there for decades, and then DNA finally proves beyond all doubt that they were innocent of the charge all along, as they and a variety of alibis claimed and you say to yourself, ‘Wow! How were they ever found guilty in the first place?’ Now I know. They had twelve jurors just like you.”

Or this one:

“You know, if you ever happen to match the description of that pedophile and find yourself sitting in that chair, pray to whatever you deem high and holy that someone like yourself is not on the jury.”

Or the “less-is-more” school of:

“So much for the presumption of innocence….”

(Hey, I get it. This won’t win you any friends but, in the end, do you really want someone like that as a friend?)

Just doing my civic duty…

BILL
\Twitter: @BillBekkala

Oh, The Humanity -- I Mean "Hypocrisy"

Yes, it’s election time again – at least in California - when we get to enjoy the ads of candidates bemoaning career politicians as they seek to become career politicians.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Why It Would Suck To Be Named "Adam"

You could never say: “You don’t know me from Adam.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Separation of Church and Static

Verily I say unto you: I can only assume that Jesus’ political advisors informed him to not mention “culture of dependency” in any of his sermons re feeding the poor, deeming this to be the proper purview of what would later become FOX News.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

It's True! I'm The Life of The Party!

Unfortunately I host all of my parties in cemeteries.

BILL

Things You Can Learn Watching The Daily Show:

Georgia has signed into law that you can essentially bring a gun anywhere (churches, restaurants, airports, bars, etc.), everywhere that is accept the state capital building.

Insert your own punch line.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Items Able To Be Snuck Into The Gulag

With Obamacare signups now numbering eight million, I think we can all appreciate the slippery slope upon which we are descending, i.e. the inevitable day of our internment within a socialist gulag. This being so, I have compiled a list of household items I believe can be successfully hidden up one’s rectum without fence-line guard discovery come the arrival of that dreaded day:

Matches
Thimbles
Rings (no diamonds please)
Binder Clips
Crayons
Small compasses
White Out
Jimmy Dean sausage

I am pleased to report that I personally succeeded in lodging each of the above for a 24-hour duration with little or no discomfort or trouble in passing. (Not all at once of course. Heh-heh…)

Just trying to help.

BILL (On vacation till 5/12/14...)

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Exchange I'd like to see in a movie:

GAL: That was sarcasm, right?

GUY: No, that was sarcasm light.

GAL: OK, now that was definitely sarcasm, right?

GUY: Yes. That was most definitely sarcasm.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Proper Texting Etiquette

When out socializing with friends, should you find yourself being interrupted by a friend giving voice to some banal thought while you are texting another friend, you should immediately inform them to, well… “shut the f*** up,” a message best delivered via text of course.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Race To The Bottom

Despite allllllllllllll those folks claiming racism is no longer a viable concern in today’s America, FOX News realized soon enough that a sizable share of its own audience was sufficiently racist – evidenced by the frequent shamelessly racist comments posted - that it shut down its own comment section!

Like they say in the ads: “Priceless…”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Heaven Is For Reel

(Per Wikipedia) “In the book, Christian pastor Todd Burpo writes that during the months after his emergency surgery in 2003, his son Colton began describing events and people that seemed impossible for him to have seen or met. Examples include his miscarried sister, whom no one had told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before Colton was born. Colton also claimed that he personally met Jesus riding a rainbow-colored horse and sat in Jesus' lap, while the angels sang songs to him. He also says he saw Mary kneeling before the throne of God and at other times standing beside Jesus.”



-.-.-.-.

OK, let’s say, for the sake of argument, all of this is true. How does young Colton know that the woman he saw is Mary and might not be Mary’s neighbor, Gladys? “Oh, Bill! Don’t be silly!” OK, then, try this: go up separately to six deeply religious Christians and ask them to provide you an exact physical description of Mary. If I’m placing bets, I’ll bet none of the six will match. Which of course brings us back to Gladys….

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Stiffing Me Powers

When I fell asleep with the TV on the other night “The Avengers” was on, specifically a scene with Scarlett Johansson, which I guess explains why I awakened with the series “Hart to Hart” on.

BILL

Hey Kids! Put This On YOUR Bucket List!

Highway 1 along the coast of California, a stunningly beautiful drive that winds its way along over so much of the road itself that you’ll soon find yourself vomiting into a bucket.

BILL

TWitter: @BillBekkala

Scarlett Johansson Quote:

“It’s nice to be glamorous, but I don’t want to always have to be trendy and glamorous and an object of desire,” she said, “I don’t want to be stuck in that forever. Because it doesn’t last.”

Here’s a thought, dear: Stop posing for every other magazine I see on store shelves. I realize it’s a crazy notion, but it might just work.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Try This Some Time:

Next time you see a serviceman or servicewoman dressed in his or her US Army camouflage, say: “Man, your camo sucks! I can see you so easily!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Try This Some Time:

Whenever I’m asked: “Say, do you have kids?” I reply, “Yeah, but they’re both in prison.” Then I say: “Nahh, I’m just kidding; I don’t have any kids. But if I did I’m pretty sure they’d be in prison.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Paid Time Off Policy

I once came in to work, forgetting it was a vacation day. Which is weird because, at a previous place of employment, I kept not showing up for work and whenever they’d call to ask I where I was I’d say “I thought it was a vacation day!”

I did this for a week and a half straight before they finally caught on and fired me.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Real Housewives of (Wherever...)

No, I don’t watch such fare, but whenever I land on it while channel surfing, nine times out of ten these folks are screaming at each other and all I can think is: “These are your friends??”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Ten Most Miserable US Cities - Not States This Time, But CITIES - in Which To Live

NEWS ITEM: Per a recent poll of the actual residents themselves, nine of the ten are in “red” states.

EDITORIAL: Huh! Go figure.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Try This At Work Some Time:

Walk by a random coworker and say in a loud voice as you pass by: “Good God, man! That’s your third martini so far!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This Date in History

Forty years ago, Hammerin’ Hank Aaron broke the Babe’s home run record.

And just how hard is hitting a baseball thrown by a major league pitcher? If you fail 70% of the time you will likely end up in the Hall of Fame.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Rock Hounds: A Childhood Memory

I fondly recall the day when, while rock hunting, I came across a sizable chunk of iron pyrite. “Look!” I exclaimed to my brother Smedley. “I found fool’s gold.”

“Any gold you find is a fool’s gold,” he replied.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

A Half-Baked / Half-Mast Idea

After another mass shooting at Fort Hood, Texas, Governor Rick Perry ordered flags to be set at half-mast. Great, Governor, thanks. That helps a lot. But can I give you a little political advice? Why don’t you just leave them there? We are talking Texas, after all. And it’s like a whole ‘nother country!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

When I Breathe My Last Breath...

… I’m going to try really, really hard to gasp out: “Adolf Hitler! What are you doing here?” just so everyone thinks I’ve crossed over into the gates of Hell.

BILL

And Here I Thought I Was Actually Funny

People always told me that I’d get belly laughs for sure. It just dawned on me that they were laughing at my belly.

BILL

Try This Some Time:

Stand on a random street corner and hand out “Fair Play for Cuba Committee” leaflets. You should see the reactions I get!

BILL

Georgia On My Mind

Responding to Georgia’s recently passed legislation (The “Safe Carry Protection Act”) allowing guns in schools, airports, bars and churches (because that’s what Jesus would do), Police Chief David Lyons of Garden City said: “We’re going to Hooters now expecting everybody there has a gun. Our safety antenna is going to be up.”

(Pun intended I suppose.)

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Why I Wasn't Admitted Into Harvard Law

Having aced out at Michigan’s Pelkie University back in the day, I was asked at my interview how I felt about pro-bono work. “Pro-Bono?!” I shouted. “He doesn’t need me! He’s a singer, record producer, songwriter. Look! Maybe, maybe Cher but never Sonny!”

One of the many reasons I do the mail.

BILL

Party Disfavor

At a party I attended with my ex, Zelda, I regaled many with what I thought was an amusing anecdote, ending it with: “I swear, I can remember it as if it were yesterday.”

“It was yesterday, you idiot,” said Zelda. My ex.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

If You Can't Bake The Eats Stay Out of The Kitchen

The first time I tried to make S’mores, they came out so terrible tasting my brother Smedley called them “N’mores.”

BILL

The War on Drug

As a result of the unpredictable and outright questionable behavior of my youth, my parents were forever asking me, in the most hectoring of tones: “Are you on drugs!?” to which I would honestly respond. “No, I am not.”

(Tee-hee. I was only on one drug.)

BILL

Why Of COURSE I Smoke Camels!

But only in North Africa using my Bushmaster AR 15.

BILL

The Bill is a Lonely Hunter

While on a hunting trip once, these guys accused me of poaching, which might have offended me had I not been cooking eggs.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Time Has Come For Us To Say Sayonara

In the wake of Russia’s annexation of Crimea and no military response on the part of the United States, I fear that I am now tainted with the same accusation of weakness in which our President – and thus our country - now finds itself. I’m so depressed! My self-esteem now battered and shaken, I’ve decided to end it all. Been nice knowing you.

BILL

PS – Oh! And hold a séance to let me know if MSU takes the Final Four. Go Spartans!

Oh Holey Night

The gun with which Marvin Gaye, Sr. shot and killed his son was given to him by Marvin as a Christmas present. Mercy Mercy Me….

BILL

Bill's Rapier Wit

According to the Pentagon’s own statistics, sexual assaults in the military have risen 35% in the last few years.

Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA! USA! USA!!

BILL

"The Bill Manifesto" - Some Things Bear Repeating so Spread the Word

What follows is a renunciation of anyone professing to care about me on any level whatsoever, while simultaneously choosing to worship the landlord of the biblical vision of hell into which they believe I shall be tossed at life’s end, penalty it seems for my unspeakable sin of being both unable and unwilling to betray reason in order to take up ranks with those I shall henceforth label the “true believers.”

Specifically, if you claim membership in the aforementioned group, i.e. those who believe in the hellfire which awaits me, while also asserting to care about me, then I think it best we part ways (barring my persuading you to abandon your position).

First, however, some precision of language regarding the definitions of three terms: “hell,” “terrorist” and “torture.”

Hell is the abode of condemned souls and devils in some religions, the place of eternal punishment for the wicked after death, presided over by Satan.

(Please note that my use of the term “hell” shall lack capital letters. To do otherwise is to accord it an enhanced standing its flagrant immorality cannot begin to bear. It will therefore be written only as “hell,” the smallness of its letters reflecting the smallness of mind from which such silliness originated.)

A terrorist is one who engages in acts of terrorism, i.e. the unlawful or threatened use of force or violence to intimidate or coerce societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.

Torture is the infliction of severe physical pain as means of punishment or coercion.

The key point I shall pound home is that, within the framework of any number of religions, whatever god the true believers pray to is both a terrorist and a torturer. Not all believers, just the true believers. That is to say, they praise - key word here: praise – a torturing terrorist. The terrorist threat is hell itself, intended to intimidate or coerce me into obeisance to a deity my reasoning mind can’t help but conclude does not exist, a moral failing in the eyes of the true believers that warrants my punishment of eternal damnation. Your god – and, yes, true believers, I shall refer to him as ”your god” – is also a torturer by virtue of his inflicting severe physical pain as means of punishment or coercion, hell serving as his dungeon.

This threat of pain and suffering is what I call a “Luca Brasi choice,” named after the henchman in The Godfather who points a gun to the head of a bandleader being warned by Don Corleone that “either his brains or his signature will be on the contract.” (The bandleader signs.) At the risk – not fear, but risk – of alienating a large number of people, many of them dear to me and/or who I have known a great many years, allow me to state in writing that the true believers’ god is far worse, for he represents Luca Brasi and Don Corleone. (Talk about an offer you can’t refuse!)

Now the scriptures are quite specific as to the punishment awaiting those refusing to praise a god for which not a shred of evidence exists. The doomed are to endure – forever, mind you – the agony of burning, an immeasurable act of evil made even more gruesome by denying its victims the reprieve of “death” itself. A veritable gold standard for wanton cruelty. Should you disagree, I am absolutely positive I can persuade you differently in less than a second using just one of your fingers and a lighter. This is the type of pain that you believe your god proudly inflicts, and for which – through some grim, demented calculus – you bestow upon him your devotion in addition to the woefully ironic adjective “merciful.” (Where’s a laugh track when you truly need one?)

In keeping with pounding points home, let us pretend for the moment that we are observing a true, true, true believer peering down into the fiery bowels of hell, leaping up and down in a frenzy while screaming out his hearty approval of your god’s punishment. “Burn!! Burn, you motherfuckers!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! They’re burning!! Look!! They’re burning!! (Etc., etc.)” This not-for-the-faint-of-heart fanatic becomes so enthralled by the excruciating pain being unleashed upon the sorry inhabitants of hell that he actually unzips his pants and begins masturbating furiously, having fully succumbed to the orgy of torture playing out before his eyes. Now anyone witnessing such a spectacle would respond – and quite rightly I might add - that this person is unquestionably deranged. And yet… you worship the very god who dooms these poor souls to that same fiery pit. See an inconsistency here?

The intention of this manifesto, then, is to call out the true believers and, more importantly, to challenge the more rational minded to forgo the polite, non-confrontational ways of the past to which far too many have been so shamelessly guilty. Why shamelessly? Because for too long we, the nonbelievers, have refrained from trumpeting the harsh indictment that if you worship a deity who inflicts unending suffering upon billions of souls then you have dipped a toe into the moral cesspool of Adolf Hitler himself.

Shocked? Good. I have your attention. Keep reading; I insist. While doing so, however, concede the no-brainer that SS leader Heinrich Himmler was no less evil than Hitler, der Fuehrer simply being the more charismatic. And if you or anyone else sing the praises of someone who brags of torturing others, well… do I even have to finish this thought? This, by the way, is often referred to as the banality of evil. Echoing it somewhat, if one’s attempt to rob an establishment fails, the would be perpetrator nonetheless exists on the same moral plain as a successful thief, the former merely being the more incompetent of the two. Similarly, to deify an entity who delights in inflicting unremitting agony upon others places one on the same moral plain as the torturer. Put another way: if one agrees with this individual then, from a moral perspective, one might as well be this individual. Like an impotent man cheering on a gang rape. (Oh, I know, I know. It’s not every day you get compared to Hitler. It is every day, however, that you worship a torturing terrorist so, really, how far off can I be?)

You see, for me it’s the thought of your god, like some petulant child deprived of his toy, pounding his fists in fury over the universal praise denied him, then casting the stubborn holdouts into eternal hellfire that fuels my unqualified loathing for this purported deity. One would think that having created a universe might well have drained his bottomless reservoir of insecurity, yet simply knowing that some still refuse to jettison reason and bow to him sends him into a tizzy. There’s a word for someone who engages in such vindictive pettiness, and the word is “dickhead,” for imagine - on an infinitely smaller scale - how any of us would react to someone behaving in such a sickeningly egotistic and sadistic manner. Such a person would be roundly despised, and yet your god has been glorified through the ages for behaving in much the same way.

I ask you: could your god be any more unfair, unfeeling, spiteful or petty? It seems to me that he would come off so much more reasonable if he merely decreed that those refusing to genuflect his way would be forced to spend eternity in a rube-infested backwater of such utter dreariness that it could only be called Crabgrass, Alabama. Then, however, you would not be reading this. It is, you see, the unapologetic temper tantrum by which your god dispenses the exact same punishment to all who have fallen from favor that makes him so astoundingly vile.

Think about this. Even man, dumb though he can be - and I do not exclude myself - has grasped the moral soundness of incurring varying penalties for the killing of another human being. First degree murder, second degree, voluntary manslaughter, involuntary, etc. Indeed, most societies have codified into law that the punishment for a person who plans and executes a murder should be significantly more severe than that given to someone who inadvertently takes the life of another. Yes, even grossly fallible man has determined that the latter should not be handed a sentence equal to that given the fiend who fries up his victims’ body parts, douses them in ketchup, then devours them in front of the television. And yet… millions upon millions engage in sycophantic adoration of an allegedly wise god whose judgment is so patently askew that he casts kindly atheists into the same inferno inhabited by the likes of Joseph Stalin.

This is godlike wisdom? Disagree with me? Then have the courage to look me – far from a saint, of course - in the eye and declare: “Yes, Bill, I believe that you – despite being a man who has never harmed anyone, who walks homeless dogs at a shelter, who cares about the environment, who paid the medical bill of an impoverished stranger who had been beaten and raped, who donates to numerous charities, including the Acid Survivors Foundation, a group dedicated to helping young women somehow manage to carry on with their lives after having acid thrown into their now melted faces by – and on this I’d bet a tidy sum - deeply religious men – yes, you Bill, deserve the same unceasing anguish as gang rapists, pedophiles, serial killers and torturers. And why? Because, you Bill, refuse to prostrate yourself to he who will, upon your demise, chuck you into the same fiery hell reserved for gang rapists, pedophiles, serial killers and torturers.”

Worse, it would seem your god didn’t fully think this one through, for to allot the same punishment to each and every inhabitant of hell induces those already resolved to it being their destiny to commit more crimes during their worldly sojourn. Granting them license to kill more. To rob more. To rape more. To torture more. For how can the next world’s punishment be any worse than that which has already been promised them? (Breaking News: Death Row Inmate Kills Guard!) This glaring oversight allows the more conniving of the hell-bound to game the system, knowing that that which awaits them in the afterlife has already maxed out on the severity scale, for what could possibly be worse than burning forever? And, please, don’t blather on about how your god’s imagination can conjure up something even worse, for he would have already made this known, terrorist that he is. And, be honest, is that really something you want to be touting? No, dear reader, I’m afraid hell is an equal opportunity punishment, the sweet, elderly agnostic behind the thrift store counter paying the same ghastly toll as the deviant wretch who sodomizes helpless, wailing toddlers. For he is a wise god.

This, then, is a call to action to those who have too often bent over backwards avoiding points of contention which, if aired, might cause otherwise pleasant gatherings of family and friends to descend into argument. While civility is in most cases admirable, to remain silent in the face of such a detestable belief borders on obscene, and doing so smacks of a cowardly path of least resistance. I implore you to pledge from this day forward to refer to the god I have so described as a torturing terrorist. To do otherwise, sparing the true believers the awkward discomfort that comes when made clear to all that they swear allegiance to a torturing terrorist, is to choose not to remove another brick from a wall of ignorance, superstition and evidence-bereft myths. The time for tearing down such walls is way past due.

Yes, this polite silence ends, and for me it ends today. Who’s with me? If you are reading this and, being well-mannered, chose in the past not to “make an issue of it,” I call upon you now to make an issue of it! Call the true believers out. Point out the twisted dichotomy of those claiming with a straight face to care about you who nonetheless drop to their knees to worship a perceived entity who they sincerely believe will torture you till the end of time. It doesn’t matter that their demented lunacy never comes to pass. It is – as the saying goes – the thought that counts. Nor do their claims of love ring true, for those professing them confuse love with the warm afterglow of nostalgia, the fading wisps of whatever pleasantries the two of you might once have shared that still adhere to their memory, nothing more. Call these people on it and do not let them off the hook! Will yourself into denying them your time and attention, both of which can be reclaimed but only if they renounce – dare I say repent? - the inherent repugnancy in worshipping a torturing terrorist. Induce them to admit that for the longest time they naively fell victim to a vast delusion, one built on simpleton myths handed down like counterfeit heirlooms through generations and rendered dark and ugly by threats of unending torture solely intended to make them believe that which they have for so long taken to heart. Yes, their having fallen for this delusion can be forgiven – as I have forgiven myself - but only if they reject their previous worship and take a, yes, leap of faith, one defined by the far more comforting notion that, if indeed god exists, he does not storm about the universe, brandishing threats of the agony to be suffered by future inhabitants of hell, but rather is imbued with compassion and love. Above all, remember: you are not alone, for there are countless others who think as you do.

Should your reaction to all of this be: “But, Bill, I can’t help what I believe! I was raised this way and, try as I might, am incapable of purging such beliefs from my mind.” Granted, one does not essentially choose what to believe. One does, however, choose to worship. It is an action willfully taken, and if you have so chosen, then appreciate my disgust for both the object of your praise and for expecting me to regard as sincere your love or concern for me when you simultaneously worship someone you believe will, upon my passing, be my torturer. (And, yes, I resent that you side with something for which no proof exists, as opposed to me, so very real.)

Should you scurry for cover behind: “But, Bill, while I would never condone torture, I am but a speck in the universe, while god is, well… god! Who am I to question his ways?” Really? Then why do you pray? If you feel it worth your time and effort to send skyward appeals for his mercy, relief, justice, peace, what have you, can’t you and other true believers beseech him en masse to ratchet it down more than a bit, rendering hell’s lake of fire into something more akin to a tedious – albeit endless - weekend spent in the company of those one can barely tolerate? I would consider this far more fitting a punishment than to burn someone forever. Moreover, if heaven is indeed the bounteous reward your god has made it out to be, would not its denial be fitting punishment alone?

“But, Bill, this has been my position all along. Why are you telling me this only now?” Odd and embarrassing though it may sound, this only recently occurred to me: “Hey, wait a minute! These people say they care about me, yet worship someone who they believe is going to inflict the most horrific punishment imaginable upon me, with no distinction being made between my benign agnosticism and the premeditated evildoings of Hitler. And this is who they praise! Then who, pray tell, do they revile?” When hit by this eureka moment, I began to cobble together all of what you are now reading.

So here is what I request of you: that you stare honestly into the mirror in search of your own eureka moment and, should it come about, take that bold, willful step of rejecting that which has been spoon fed you for decades to the point of brainwashing. With reason your ally, seize the moral high ground and repudiate the barbarism of a presumed “merciful” god who tortures others, whether murderers who blowtorch their victims or atheists incapable - by dint of commonsense and reason – of finding anything moral, just or praiseworthy in someone who boasts of inflicting suffering upon others.

I must emphasize that this manifesto is not, in and of itself, a repudiation of either belief in god or adherence to what I shall broadly label religion. Neither of these is the target of my scorn (though I see little benefit and much to criticize in religion and cite lack of evidence as the key reason for doubting the existence of god). I direct this only at those who plant their flag into the province of sadism.

A final thought: if, after reading this, you still maintain your belief that a fiery hell awaits me, then know this: I do not want to know you on any level whatsoever. I don’t care who you are or how long I’ve known you. We are finished. Pun intended, you are not worthy of me, for family and friends – even if under the spell of a childish delusion – should not revere the torturer of those they profess to love. I shall instead align myself with anyone but torture-approving true believers. And, yes, there exists sufficient room for those who believe in god, just not one who revels in sadism.

Having placed my cards on the table, the time has come for you to do the same. But let me be blunt. Should you withhold from me the fact that you worship the torturing terrorist yet still claim to care about me, then know that my disrespect for you exists on three levels, not just one. One being that you worship a torturing terrorist. Two being your duplicity in not divulging that which I have requested of you. And three being your cowardice for said withholding. Know this: I don’t want to know you if your beliefs are as I have delineated them in this manifesto. And, please, spare me any lame warnings that expressing these sentiments will make me a lonely person. To that I reply: So be it, for if others, perhaps inspired by this, summon the will to do as I have, more may follow, and maybe, just maybe, a movement might begin. (Besides, how pathetic must one be to desire the company of those who kneel before the altar of a torturing terrorist?)

Should a feeble accusation of intolerance be hurled my way, hear this: “Intolerant? Not at all. You are free to live your life as you choose. I have merely made it clear that you are not welcome in my life. This is my choice to make, not yours, it being a free country.”

So do me the honor of passing this along to whomever you please. For those adamantly opposed to doing so, in a way I deem such steadfast refusal the ultimate compliment. Now crawl off and pray to your torturing terrorist.

To those of like mind, however, steel yourself in the knowledge that you are not alone, and let the movement begin….

WILLIAM P. BEKKALA
July 14 – August 6, 2012

Most People Don't Know This...

But Bill Gates and I were college roommates. When he started his company, he was low on cash and I said: “Dude, I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you name your company after a sexual problem.”

BILL

I Have Never Gotten My Shoes Shined

I have however gotten my clock cleaned on several occasions.

BILL

The Ten Most Miserable States in Which To Live

NEWS ITEM: Per a recent poll of the actual residents themselves, all ten are “red” states.

EDITORIAL: Huh! Go figure.

BILL

"I'm a Patriot!"

Frankly, I’m always a little hesitant to say this. I mean, the Nazis were big on patriotism, OK?

Oh, hell, what am I talking about? Hey, if it’s good enough for the Nazis it’s good enough for me. I’m a patriot!!!

BILL

I Need That Like a Hole In My Head

Children in homes with guns are twice as likely to commit suicide as those without.

Welllllllllllllllll… all I have to say to that is: USA! USA! USA!!!

BILL

"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Trivia

It’s a little known fact that, while recording of “El Condor Pasa,” Art Garfunkel lobbied long and hard to have the lyrics:

“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes, I would.”

Changed to:

“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail
No sh*t, Sherlock.”

Paul Simon nixed the suggestion following one of the duo’s many heated arguments.

BILL

I've Decided To Follow Jesus

Well, not really. I just want to blame all my failings on Satan.

BILL

And They Say "Dead Men Tell No Tales...."

How Steve McQueen ("12 Years a Slave") directed a film from the grave, let ALONE won Best Picture, is beyond me. Must have been the motorcycle.

BILL

"Good Friday"

I believe these words to be redundant, nay superfluous. Repetitive even.

BILL

Free Kindle!

My college roomy, Stosh Kindle, has been rotting away in jail in the tiny Eastern European country of Imkidinya for failure to floss. (C’mon! We’ve all done that!)

Free Kindle!

BILL

Bon Chance, Guillaume!

Because I sent five bucks to his reelection campaign, took three years of French and say “oui-oui” whenever announcing that I’m heading into the john - “Jean” as I pronounce it - I’m on President Obama’s short list for the next ambassadorship to France! Sacre merde!

BILL



Twitter: @BillBekkala

"Go Down" (On Second Thought "Get Down!")

Granted, I can’t actually prove this theory but I believe that if you piped in Gilbert O’Sullivan’s 1973 hit “Get Down” along the sidewalks of the Golden Gate Bridge, the suicide rate would, yes, plummet. Someone was quick to remind me, however, that if one mistakenly played the same singer’s “Alone Again (Naturally)” the aforementioned suicide rate would likely triple.

BILL

Thought For The Day

Smile more often!!!



If you forward this email to seven other people, good fortune will come your way by day’s end!



If, however, you send it to either six or less people OR eight or more people, there is an uncomfortably high possibility that you and your entire family will be horribly disfigured for life.



BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Memories, Like The Coroners of My Mind

Yes, fond are the memories of my days as a highly paid air traffic controller, when I could afford the three-martini lunch.

Alas, those days are no more.

BILL

"Grandpa Looks Like Uncle Felix When He's Passed Out"

These are the kind of stress-relieving quips that make it so beneficial to have children under five present at each and every memorial service.

BILL

Lord Dunce More

Call me crazy but I can’t help thinking that every child ever forced to wear a dunce cap later became a serial killer.

(I wore the DUNCE cap several times and each time it was plopped upon my head I would grab my top hat and cane and break out into song, dancing about the classroom like Fred Astaire, thinking as I did that the cap read “DANCE” and thus proving the soundness of my teacher’s decision.)

BILL

My Son Cletus Is Such a Cad!

I bought him a Swiss Army Knife and he asked if Switzerland even had an army. “Why don’t you go to Wikipedia and find out,” I replied.

“You mean I’d have to go all the way to Switzerland?!”

BILL

KIA Announces Its New Model!

The DOA.

BILL

Oh What a Beautiful Morning!

Oh what a beautiful day. Yes, as I do each morning, today I awakened to enjoy my hot Swiss Miss, Ursula and I having dated for three years now.

BILL

Yes, It IS True That I'm Wearing 33% of My Footwear

My wear-to-work shoes, my wear-at-work shoes and my sneakers.

(Of course this also means that I’m simply waiting for someone dear to me to get married or die, at which time I’ll be back to 25%.)

BILL

It's Limerick Time, Kids!

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose position on limericks was “Fuck it.
I don’t have the time,
To come up with some rhyme
That will spark a good chuckle from readers.”

BILL

Why I Don't Like Bryant Gumbel

Because I don’t trust him.

Why don’t I trust him?

Because every single time on every single airing of “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” at the end of every single pre-taped segment he is scribbling away just prior to looking up to the reporter just featured who now awaits Bryant’s follow-up questions.

What could he possibly be writing!!? And why does he stop exactly 1.8 seconds after they cut to him? Sorry, but it reeks of a feigned casualness by someone who is clueless as to how it appears to an attentive viewer who sees it done time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time. May I call it “pretentiousness?” without giving offence? Why it would be an honor.

Oh! And I’ve caught him cheating at my Wednesday night poker games.

BILL

In Hopes of a Decent National Anthem This Super Bowl Sunday

Ones own "spin" on our national anthem has been done only once without inciting a near seismic reaction of the gnashing of my teeth. And that was by Marvin Gaye at the Los Angeles Forum on February 13, 1983 before the NBA All-Star game.

I hope this link works as planned....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRvVzaQ6i8A


BILL

On Twitter at @BillBekkala

My Shanghai Surprise

On a recent trip to China I found myself in my hotel room watching reruns of Batman. Every time the Caped Crusader punched The Joker a graphic flashed across the screen reading: “Kung PAO!!!”

BILL

It's Now Official!!

A team of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons has confirmed that actress Mary Steenburgen and I are the only two people on the face of the earth who are getting better looking with age.

BILL

What Can I Say? Even In My Dreams I'm a Smart Ass

So last night I’m dreaming away and I find myself next to a young lady who is about to sing the National Anthem at an NFL game. Perhaps the upcoming Super Bowl? Who knows. I say to her: “Try to remember the lyrics. And the melody. Which together comprise the actual song.”

BILL

Why I'm Rooting for Bruce Dern To Win The Oscar

(WARNING: 42 Year Old Plot Spoiler Ahead)

Before filming the scene in the “The Cowboys,” where Dern shoots John Wayne in the back, killing him, “The Duke” said to the young actor: “You know, they’re gonna hate you for this,” to which Dern replied: “Yeah, but at Berkeley I’ll be a fucking hero.”

BILL

Talk About Packers

While bragging in an email that my Dad once endured the fifteen below weather of The Ice Bowl, the December 31, 1967 Championship game played at frozen Lambeau Field between the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys, I later realized that I had mistyped the text, unwittingly informing a wide audience that my father had once endured the “ice bowel.”

Certainly a painful memory, and one that would most assuredly trump in discomfort the mere chill of an outdoor sporting event.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Chiwetel Ejiofor

Guess the number of times people have asked the star of “12 Years a Slave” how his name is pronounced.

Oh! And I have dibs on “millions and millions.”

BILL

PS: On Twitter: @BillBekkala (There goes my Supreme Court seat…) Hey! And what say we plug my novel "City of Seven Rivers"again so that – as per usual – people say how can someone that funny and that good looking write that well?

http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

Wright On!!!

The War Department showed no interest in the Wright Brothers’ airplane. Orville Wright tried hard to change their mind. He droned on and on. Droning. Drone, drone, drone.

Seems he finally convinced them.

BILL

Try This Some Time

When somebody mentions 9/11, say: “My neighbor died on 9/11.” When they respond, “Jeez, I’m sorry,” say: “That’s OK. Jerk never did return my box cutters.”

BILL

They Hate Us For Our Freedom Industries

The tap water of nine counties in West Virginia is undrinkable due to the coal-washing chemicals which recently seeped into the Elk River from unregulated storage tanks. Were public safety regulations – what Phil Rubertson of “Duck Dynasty” would probably call “big government” – mandating recurring inspections in place this would, in all likelihood, not have occurred.

So take a good swig of freedom folks, compliments of, yes, Freedom Industries, the company to blame for all this.

BILL

Myth Busting 101: "The Consitution is Not a Suicide Pact"

This argument is made by many in support of things like torture – whoops! pardon my faux pas – I meant “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

First of all, to be against torture is not to believe in suicide. I have no such desires to kill myself, nor do I know anyone remotely suicidal.

Nor is being against torture or illegal wiretapping, etc. equivalent to certain death at the hands of terrorist.

So pull another arrow from your quiver, pal, ‘cause that one’s broken.

BILL

I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Say I'm Wearing 25% of My Footwear

I am wearing 33%.

BILL

Now THERE'S Money Down The Drain!

Sure, I clip coupons and was doing so the other day when I saw one for a dollar off on two Lysol toilet bowl cleaners.

Like I’ll ever live that long, I thought.

BILL

PS I'm on Twitter at (no big shock here): @BillBekkala

What a Weird Date Last Night

For some reason, she liked to yell out her favorite color during the climactic throes of sexual abandon. I, of course, screamed out: “Scarlet! Scarlet! Oh, Scarlet!!”

BILL

Of Segway Human Transporters

I always thought the slogan for this company should be: “When Walking Becomes a Burden.”

Actually, whenever I see people riding these I say to them: “You must get so jealous of people in wheelchairs. I mean, they can at least sit!”

BILL

I Once Auditioned To Be a Harlem Globetrotter

I suppose it goes without saying that I failed the audition, for many reasons, but – in point of fact – the audition tape itself, I can assure you, is funnier than anything the Globetrotters ever did on the hardwood.

BILL

Which Phrase Leaps Out When You Think of The Word: Toronto ???

A Maple Leafs
B Blue Jays
C 's Crack Smoking Mayor

BILL

It's True! "Third Time's The Charm

And I must say: I’m enjoying this divorce much more than the previous two.

BILL

Wake Up Little Phillie

Despite the passage of the years, my favorite recording act remains The Everly Brother.

BILL

Sundance's Film Fast Failed

With a box office return of only $5.9 million, who would have thought the title to Robert Redford’s “All Is Lost” referred to its budget?

BILL

Look For Me At This Year's Super Bowl!

In the end zone seats during field goals holding a sign reading: “John: U O Me $316.”

BILL

I've Been Told By Many That I'm a Moden Day Ben Franklin

We’re both funny, overweight, horny and have first names that start with the letter “B.”

BILL