Hot Hell California

Yes, as California continues to burn to the ground, just remember, folks, increasing and more severe wildfires are a predicted (albeit non-existent – WHEW!!) symptom of a hoax perpetrated upon us by the Chinese. At least that what I heard once from a Manhattan real estate developer.

BILL

Robbin' Hood

Despite having both a Republican House and Senate, the “great negotiator” has attained only one significant piece of legislation in a year and a half: a mega-tax cut for the rich.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Oh, c'mon, Rudy!

Two months ago, you, Rudy Giuliani, a former federal prosecutor, described former Trump attorney Michael Cohen as “an honorable honest attorney.” Now that it appears he is about to turn on his former client, you say Cohen can’t be trusted because he is a “pathological liar.” To quote James Mason in The Verdict: “Which is the lie?”

BILL

I fired my publicist.

If you were unaware I even had a publicist, well then this just proves I was correct in firing her.

BILL

Edge of Seventeen Years

What?! We ain’t hogtied Terror yet? And after 17 years!? What in tarnation is going on?! That sumbitch Terror is one wily rascal, let me tell you. As for me though? Why, I’ve roped and tied many a so-called “intangible concept” in my day.

BILL

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow.

Except on really, really hot days.

BILL

Lady Die

Many people still wonder how Princess Diana could have been killed two decades back, the “Her-driver-doing-85-miles-per-hour-in-a-tunnel” theory proving ever elusive.

BILL

“Do you believe in conspiracies?!”

An impassioned group of Houston, Texas Republicans doubled down on their support of a much beleaguered President Donald Trump yesterday in the wake of what was viewed by many as a disastrous summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Finland Monday. The group bore signs reading: “Trump & Vlad: Match Made in Heaven!” “To Russia With Love” “Hey, Bob Mueller! Let Russia Help!” “Jeff Lebowski Had It Right: Pour Me a White Russian!” and, to no one’s surprise, “Nostrovia!”

The President thanked the thousands who had gathered to support him by way of a live feed on a giant video screen broadcast to those in attendance. Despite having recently taken flak from members of his own party for his perceived overly deferential treatment of Putin in addition to siding with the Russian President – and thus opposing our own numerous intelligence agencies – in his denials of Russian interference in the 2016 election, the president seemed in good spirits. Beaming warmly to the cheering crowd, he clapped along after first walking up to and hugging a Russian flag that had been placed into the seventh hole of a golf course in the vicinity of the president’s Mar-a-Lago Resort in Palm Beach, Florida. The actual location was not divulged for security reasons.

“You’re amazing! You’re really amazing, I have to say,” the President said in speaking to the throng. “I want to let all of you know - believe me – that I had an amazing meeting with President Putin. He’s an amazing man! Just amazing. And he and I are going to be doing amazing things together. Just amazing. Believe me. Now all we need to do is put an end to this witch hunt!” At this, his customary dismissal of the Robert Mueller probe, the president was forced to stop speaking due to the extreme volume of the roar that emanated from the crowd. Within seconds, the decibel-shattering cheers turned into chants of “U.S.S.R.! U.S.S.R.! U.S.S.R.!,” the crowd seemingly oblivious to the fact that the U.S.S.R., the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, was dissolved decades ago.

“Let me tell you something, this so-called investigation?” President Trump said. “It’s amazing that this witch hunt is still going on. Just amazing. They’re finding nothing. And this Mueller guy—“ at which time a Niagara of boos exploded – “he’s just amazing. No collusion. There was no collusion, believe me. No collusion.”

Some in attendance were even calling into question the validity of the United States hockey team’s gold medal performance during the 1980 Olympics when the college-aged amateurs defeated the formidable U.S.S.R. hockey team in what is widely considered the single greatest upset in sports history.

“The thing about that game that most Americans don’t want to admit,” one red and white clad Houstonian said to a reporter, “is that if they had played ten times, the Russians would have easily beaten us nine out of the ten.”

A resident of Plano, Texas concurred, suggesting the possibility that the game itself never really even took place, putting forth the opinion that what was aired on ABC was nothing more than a staged event comprised of, not only a veritable casting call of hockey players and coaches, but thousands of extras paid to take on the role of USA cheering fans. “I mean, if you can fake dinosaurs in the movies and make them look real you sure as heck fire can fake a hockey game,” she said in defending her position. Others nearby nodded in agreement. The group soon began a chant of “Fake News! Fake News! Fake News!” One man held up a sign that seemed to mock play-by-play man Al Michaels’ famed call of “Do you believe in miracles?!” which came in the closing seconds of the American hockey team’s victory. The sign read: “Do you believe in conspiracies?!”

BILL

Upon Further Review...

… Trump’s right. Russia is our buddy. Welllllllllllll….all I’ve got to say to that is:

U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!!*

BILL

*I know. There is no more USSR, but the joke still works. Oh, wait! What am I talking about? I’m not joking. U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! U-SS-R!! (Can I get a Nobel Peace prize now?)

I got caught shoplifting this weekend

I plan on invoking the “sampling” defense, i.e. “I didn’t steal, Your Honor; I sampled.”

BILL “DIDDY” BEKKALA

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration. BILL

This Bad Deed Goes Unpunished

Trump taking Vladimir Putin’s word for it – as opposed to our various national security agencies - that Russia did not contaminate our 2016 election and then toasting a potential “extraordinary relationship” between the two men is like a rape victim proclaiming her hopes for an "extraordinary relationship" with her rapist.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

I Believe This Child Killed Our Future (With apologies to Whitney Houston)

This is one of the many reasons I call him “the child Trump.” He tweeted: “NATO countries must pay MORE, the United States must pay LESS. Very Unfair!” Like it’s written by a six year old. (Tommy has MORE ice cream than me! I got LESS! Very Unfair!)

BILL

Make America Hate Again

NEWS ITEM: “Hate crimes increased across California for the third straight year in 2017, an uptick experts have blamed on President Trump’s vitriolic rhetoric toward minorities and the resurgence of hate groups in the state. There were 1,093 reported hate crimes in California in 2017, a 17.4% increase.”

EDITORIAL: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

* Source: 7/11/2018 Los Angeles Times

Great Movie Quotes

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the woman.”

Tony Montana played by Al Pacino in 1983’s “Scarface.”

(If it helps, Tony was the villain.)

BILL

Wow! I Almost Forgot to Send This!

In these bitter, contentious times, it’s important to find common ground where we can, and I have little doubt all of us know deep in our heart that accused Annapolis Capital Gazette shooter Jarrod Ramos was a Trump voter. Remember, kids, according to the child Trump, the press is – as his mentor Josef Stalin made clear – the “enemies of the people.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Aging Powers

When I first caught “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” in 1997 there’s a scene where they show composer Burt Bacharach on top of a double decker bus singing and I thought “Good God, he looks old!” Caught it a year or so back and thought: “He doesn’t look all that old.”

BILL

The "Great Negotiator"

… gets played once again. America gets a pledge from North Korea to cease its nuclear activity, yet it continues per recent spy satellites. They get us to stop military exercises in that area while at the same time elevating their Looney Tunes leader to the same level as what we used to call in the olden days “the leader of the free world.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

My Beefeater With "Scent of a Woman"

In this 1992 film, Al Pacino’s character asks his young assistant to bring him a bottle of “John Daniels.”

The kid asks: “Don’t you mean Jack Daniels?”

“When you’ve known him as long as I have you call him John,” Pacino replies.

(This joke would have worked so much better if the liquor was actually called John Daniels.)

BILL

Hollywood is Filming My Life Story!!

“Bend It Like Bekkala”

And, yes, I’ll be attending the premiere, accompanied by no less than Angelina Jo -- (whoops, sorry, sneezed there!) – Angelina Johnson, my frumpy, drool-challenged neighbor.

BILL