I want my babyback-babyback-babyback...

After a lifetime of refusing to eat baby back ribs – for moral reasons – the other night I finely caved in, the menu’s succulent, sauce-bathed ribs luring me in. Hey, I’m sorry. Baby back ribs are delicious! Go ahead. Call me a cannibal. I don’t care.

BILL

My Bus Ride in Today

In the far back row, to my right, a young man was reading the Bible. To my left, a young lad had successfully lured another into helping him cheat on his homework. Imagine! One person using a perpetrated fraud by which to advance in the world. Another cheating on his homework…

BILL

"Laughter is the Best Medicine"

I used to think this as well but as I swigged cough syrup the other day a co-worker uttered the punch line to a really funny joke, causing me to laugh so hard I did a spit take, spraying cough syrup all over his newly pressed white shirt. Enraged, he slugged me, shattering my jaw and knocking out four of my front teeth. Neither my health nor dental insurance covered it, as – per adjuster’s paperwork – “injury self-inflicted by verbal actions of the insured.”

Clearly, I am no longer laughing, but that’s because my jaw is wired shut. No. It is not the best medicine. It is, in fact, the disease.

BILL

If one does NOT believe South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson is a racist...

… than simple logic dictates that what one does believe is that, despite hundreds of speeches by the President of The United States to Congress for well over two centuries, wherein we have never had such an accusation hurled, when finally we have a black President and a 62-year old - not 32-year old - white man born and raised in the deep south who voted against removing the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse yells out "You lie!", racism played absolutely no part in his having yelled what he did.

BILL

Don't Go West, Young Man!

The time has come to enact “three strikes you’re out” legislation for jerks, similar to the one for career criminals. That is to say, if you have had to publicly apologize three or more times you can be officially deemed a “jerk.” (A committee could adjudicate matters wherein no apology was offered despite unquestionably egregious conduct.)

We could call it: Kanye’s Law.

BILL

Comfortably Dumb

When the British schoolboys chorused in with their seething cockney “We don’t need no education,” in Pink Floyd’s 1979 song “Another Brick in The Wall, Part II,” they clearly proved that, indeed, they did need an education.

Grammatically speaking, they should have sung: “We don’t need any education.”

BILL

"I'm Hearing Voices"

Ever notice when anyone “hears voices” it is never anything like “Go out and pick up the trash along the highway?” It tends to be more of the “Kill ‘em all! Kill ‘em ALLLLLL!!!!” variety.

The other thing is: even if they hear a voice, why do they always feel compelled to obey it? For example, I’m absolutely positive these people would pay no heed whatsoever to my voice if I walked up to them and uttered: “Hand me five bucks.”

Look, either I’m crazy or they are…

BILL

Andy Kaufman should have done this bit (Latka Gravas voice)

“Dere was dees farmer, and he had a very lovely daughter. She was so pretty you see. And one day a traveling salesman came along and said “My car has broken down. I would like to stay here for dee night. May I stay at your farm?”

Dee farmer, he say, “Yes, you may stay dee night but… (wagging finger) keep your hands off my lovely daughter.”

Dee sales mon agrees to not touch dee mon’s daughter, but dee next day, after dee tow truck feex hees car, when he leaves he waves to dee farmer and says “By dee way, I made love to your daughter.”

(Audience titters.)

No, don’t you see? He said he would not touch dee mon’s lovely daughter but instead he slept with dee farmer’s daughter.

(More titters. Befuddled, Andy tries to explain.)

You don’t get dee joke. Dee sales mon – remember? – remember he said – he PROMISED he would not touch dee farmer’s daughter, but instead he went to sleep with her. See? Don’t you get dee joke?

(Etc. etc. Trust me; it would be funny….)

BILL