The Question Must Simply Be Rephrased

I’m sure I speak for many Americans when I say that those being asked to sing “The Star Spangled Banner” at televised sporting events must simply have the question posed to them not as:

“Are you available to sing our nation anthem on (insert date and stadium here)?”

but rather:

“Before discussing dates and venues, we must ask: are you physically capable of singing the words and music to our national anthem and can we obtain a solemn promise from you that you will resist the urge to rewrite the song while performing it into something more to your liking?”

I think our problem arises simply from a poorly worded question.

BILL

My Fellow Americans

Sharing your concerns with regards to our national debt, I am calling on all of us to make September 12 a day on which all of us pray for the national debt to disappear!!

Now please don’t scoff. After all if a Presidential candidate can make such a wish with regards to the weather, I can do the same when it comes to our debt. Moreover, if you’re a believer who finds my idea laughable, then it means you believe the Almighty can create a universe but is unable to crunch a few numbers. Oh ye of little faith….

C’mon, everybody! Verily I say unto you, let’s drop to our knees, clasp our hands together and make this happen! Let’s start at a financial ground zero the day after ground zero!

BILL

Sounds Like Presidential Material To Me!

In April, Texas Governor Rick Perry called for three days of prayer in an attempt to lessen statewide drought conditions, his appeal worsening the problem by a factor of four.  Now I know some folks like to say that sometimes God answers prayers by saying “no,” however in this instance The Almighty seems to have told Perry to engage in an intimacy with a rolling donut.

BILL

PS – Bonus chuckles you ask?   While his state burns, the man who vows to make Washington as "inconsequential" to Americans' lives as possible both continues asking for federal emergency aid and maintains that his denial of the existence of global warming puts him in the company of… Galileo!  No, kids, you can’t make this stuff up…. 

"I Say This From The Bottom of My Heart"

What is it about the bottom of one’s heart that inherently imbues the words that follow with a heightened sense of sincerity? I would think the upper ventricle portion would be far more conducive to a genuine sense of forthrightness.

BILL

Jolly Ranchers and Gay Farmers

I suppose I would have infinitely more respect for those opposed to same sex marriage if they protested just as loudly whenever a 23-year old centerfold marries a drooling, catheter-hooked 95-year-old billionaire, or when a gay man enters into a passionless union with a woman, their nuptials utterly devoid of physical intimacy. Sadly, neither scenario scores even the mildest of dents in the much ballyhooed concept of “Holy matrimony.”



BILL

I've Made My Peace With Being a Nail Biter

What troubles me is that I only bite other people’s nails.

BILL

Jolly Ranchers and Gay Farmers

I suppose I would have infinitely more respect for those opposed to same sex marriage if they protested just as loudly whenever a 23-year old centerfold marries a drooling, catheter-hooked 95-year-old billionaire, or when a gay man enters into a passionless union with a woman, their nuptials utterly devoid of physical intimacy. Sadly, neither scenario scores even the mildest of dents in the much ballyhooed concept of “Holy matrimony.”

BILL