Leon Lett Me Down

Who will be the pro football coach brave enough to bench a player for celebrating his touchdown before actually scoring it, said action – history has proven – greatly elevating the chances of a turnover that might cost his team the game, that is to say an action showing that the player values his hot-dogging more than he does his team’s success?

BILL

To My Liberal Comrades!

Citizen Cain has outed us! Looking his countrymen in the eye this Sunday, he trumpeted what has been our goal all along: the destruction of America. While the element of surprise is now lost, the cause remains! To the ramparts, friends!!!

BILL

While It's True I'm a Natural Smart Ass

I’m quick to remind folks that admitting this should in no way slight the years I have devoted to honing my craft.

(To which they usually respond: Smart ass....)

BILL

Dream Weasel

Once, on a day on which I did not need to get up at my usual hour, I was awakened by the sound of a barking dog.  Upon awakening, I realized that the barking dog had occurred only in my dream.

This annoyed me greatly, wide awake as I now was, until I realized that the house was on fire.

BILL

My Favorite Candy Bar

I suppose if I had to pick one, it would be Butterfingers, for every time I bite into one I bask in the nostalgic glow of the endless taunts I received when playing wide receiver in high school.

BILL

"You Look Like Shit"

For my money, this is the most overused line of dialog in the history of movies. What bothers me most however is that only once have I seen it spoken to a character who - shall we say - wasn’t looking his or her best. It is, I might add, spoken to George Clooney in the otherwise brilliant “Michael Clayton.” I’m sorry, but George Clooney wouldn’t look like shit if you dipped him up to his hairline in a vat of manure.

BILL

All My Rubey Friends

Sorry, Hank Williams Jr., no ESPN did not – as you say - dip a toe into going against the First Amendment and freedom of speech when they canned you from Monday Night Football. That would be if the government had done so. ESPN acted freely, choosing to forgo using your little tune because, after all, it’s a free country.

BILL