I Miss Working at NASA

Unlike my present place of employment, they spared no expense when it came to quality toilet brushes.

BILL

"Keep In a Cool, Dry Place"

Basically, this applies to any place in which I am located when not drinking.

BILL

Rush to Judgment? I Think Not!

I’m not saying Notre Dame got their ass kicked last night but the Fighting Irish’s “dangerously mobile” quarterback Everett Golson averaged one less rushing yard per attempt than I did.

BILL

It's The Next Best Thing To Being There!

NEWS ITEM WASHINGTON — In the days since the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary, a shell-shocked nation has looked for reasons. The list of culprits include easy access to guns, a strained mental-health system and the "culture of violence" — the entertainment industry's embrace of violence in movies, TV and, perhaps most telling, ungodly realistic, ultra-violent video games.

(I do think there is something inherently “off” in someone who derives his jollies by coming as close as he can to the “fun and pleasure” of blowing people’s brains out, a vicarious experience rendered all the more special by capturing just the perfect array of blood splatter, all the while knowing he need never face the noisome inconvenience of being gang-raped in prison later on.)

BILL

No Wonder Their Teeth Are So Sharp!

It’s not just that my cats go after the dental floss I momentarily dangle just before curling it around two fingers to begin flossing, the weird part is that, on the few occasions they manage to snatch it away from me, they actually begin to floss!

BILL

This Will Come As No Shock Whatsoever:

But my nieces and nephews consider the phrase “crazy uncle” to be redundant.

BILL

Sure Fire Laugh at Most Any Massage Parlor

Utter the following:

“I’m (insert your name here) and I approve of this massage.”


BILL