Try This Some Time

When somebody mentions 9/11, say: “My neighbor died on 9/11.” When they respond, “Jeez, I’m sorry,” say: “That’s OK. Jerk never did return my box cutters.”

BILL

They Hate Us For Our Freedom Industries

The tap water of nine counties in West Virginia is undrinkable due to the coal-washing chemicals which recently seeped into the Elk River from unregulated storage tanks. Were public safety regulations – what Phil Rubertson of “Duck Dynasty” would probably call “big government” – mandating recurring inspections in place this would, in all likelihood, not have occurred.

So take a good swig of freedom folks, compliments of, yes, Freedom Industries, the company to blame for all this.

BILL

Myth Busting 101: "The Consitution is Not a Suicide Pact"

This argument is made by many in support of things like torture – whoops! pardon my faux pas – I meant “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

First of all, to be against torture is not to believe in suicide. I have no such desires to kill myself, nor do I know anyone remotely suicidal.

Nor is being against torture or illegal wiretapping, etc. equivalent to certain death at the hands of terrorist.

So pull another arrow from your quiver, pal, ‘cause that one’s broken.

BILL

I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Say I'm Wearing 25% of My Footwear

I am wearing 33%.

BILL

Now THERE'S Money Down The Drain!

Sure, I clip coupons and was doing so the other day when I saw one for a dollar off on two Lysol toilet bowl cleaners.

Like I’ll ever live that long, I thought.

BILL

PS I'm on Twitter at (no big shock here): @BillBekkala

What a Weird Date Last Night

For some reason, she liked to yell out her favorite color during the climactic throes of sexual abandon. I, of course, screamed out: “Scarlet! Scarlet! Oh, Scarlet!!”

BILL

Of Segway Human Transporters

I always thought the slogan for this company should be: “When Walking Becomes a Burden.”

Actually, whenever I see people riding these I say to them: “You must get so jealous of people in wheelchairs. I mean, they can at least sit!”

BILL