Failsafe Inebriation Test

If you suspect someone of excessive drinking, simply ask them to say “Chrysanthemum” three times. If they can manage this feat with little difficulty, they are duly inebriated.

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Some People Are Soooooooooo Stupid

Saw on the news authorities using cadaver dogs to look for victims in earthquake rubble. Man! Haven’t they heard that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Let ALONE a dead dog!

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Reports Had Been Contradictory

First reports on Michael Jackson were that he was pale and unresponsive’, to which paramedics replied: "Well, we're gonna need a littlwe more than that."

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"World War II for Dummies"

Saw this in a bookstore and mentioned to the clerk that the mere title is nothing short of obscene. Considering the lives lost, the cause for which we fought, the ultimate sacrifices and victims, etc. for a business to practically belittle such history with its afterthought title makes me want to kick my mother’s handed-down moralistic self-righteous gene into hyper-drive, accord the publisher their due session of vomit, and point out to them that the next stop on this pathetic choo-choo train is “The Holocaust for Dummies.”

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I told my true love...

“I need you like the Donner Party needed a cell phone.”

(Yes, I’m single again.)

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Karma Apples?

The woman who pleaded guilty to the felony of selling to a tabloid magazine tumor-ridden Farrah Fawcett’s private medical records died prior to sentencing, succumbing to… cancer.

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Oswald COULDN'T Have Done The Shooting!!!

After all, he was only a trained Marine.

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