In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell...

… allow me to state, categorically and for the record, that I can beat up Muhammad Ali.

BILL

Urinately Silly, Bill

I once heard that if you put someone’s hand in warm water when they are asleep, it causes a person to urinate. Not sure if I believed this, I tried it on my college roommate once and, like, within five minutes I had to run to the bathroom.

BILL

Verbose Though I May Be...

… the real reason I never became a lawyer was I simply could not pass the bar without stopping in for a drink.

BILL

The #1 Complaint of Masseuses

Clients who say: “I’m (insert name here) and I approve of this massage.”

BILL

Full Text of Actual Letter I Wrote to the Utah Tourism Bureau:

“Gentlemen - Have you thought of advertising the Bonneville Salt Flats as: Where God makes his margaritas?”

BILL

One Truly Befuddled Morning...

… I actually came to work not wearing a shirt. But that’s not the weird part. The weird part is that I still managed to wear a tie.

BILL

My Favorite Part of the State of The Union Speech

When President Obama said: “And to encourage these and other businesses to stay within our borders, it is time to finally slash the tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas, and give those tax breaks to companies that create jobs right here in the United States of America.”

The Democrats broke out into applause, while the Republicans sat on their hands and scowled.

Who luvs ya, baby?

BILL