Dump the Chump Trump

I still haven’t made up my mind for President.

Why not?

Well, I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I have really low standards.

How low?

Really low.

Have you considered Donald Trump?

Why Trump?

For one, he’s a bully, interrupting others when he doesn’t like their questions, advocating violence at some of his events, including punching protesters in the face, longing for the days when they could be taken out on stretchers, etc. And, as sort of a bonus, he’s a coward as well, having had multiple deferments during the Vietnam War for heel spurs, all of which in his old age he seems to have miraculously recovered from. And – again sort of the bully/coward bonus – he now plays the bad ass, threatening “way worse than water boarding” and unleashing his own brand of tough guy brutality against our enemies, as if the war on terror these last fifteen years hasn’t existed. So what do you say? Does Trump sound like the man for you?

Sort of, but like I said, my standards are really, REALLY low.

How about this? He’s spoiled. Born into wealth and having inherited vast sums of money from his father, the good fortune of which allowed him to become a real estate tycoon. He has never had to serve or sacrifice for his country in any way yet has the audacity to say that having attended a military academy as a child makes him the equivalent of a soldier. To this day he resides and travels in luxury and has never faced the daily financial struggles of which a great many Americans are roundly familiar. Hardship as both concept and reality is utterly foreign to him yet he pawns himself off as being in touch with the average Joe.

That’s pathetic.

Duh!!

But let’s get down to brass tacks here. Is he a liar?

Is he a liar?! Is the Pope Catholic? (I can say that; I’m a former altar boy.) He’s a veritable fountain of lies! He’s a serial liar whose relationship with the truth goes well beyond the word “estranged.”

But all politicians lie to some extent, right? I mean nature of the beast and all.

Of course they do. Hell, even I chuckled when Hillary said that she had been under sniper fire once. Comes with the territory. But Trump? He’s in a league all his own. He’s on a PLANET all his own. Check out these gems! “No one reads the bible more than me.” (But don’t ask him what his favorite biblical passage is though because he does not want to get into specifics.) “No one respects women more than me.” “I am the least racist person that you’ve ever seen.” He even lies when he’s been CAUGHT in a lie, like when he denied being his own publicist back in the eighties when we have him on audio tape promoting himself while posing as another individual.

Now THAT’S what I call lying!

I know! But there’s more. How about this? The man who spent 18 months with him thirty years ago in order to co-write – read “wrote” – “The Art of The Deal” before Trump got wise and began protecting himself within a cocoon of nondisclosure agreements says he fits the classic definition of a sociopath. How’s THAT for low, my friend? A SOCIOPATH! I mean, Trump is most widely known for a reality TV show where he told people “You’re fired!” How cold does a person have to be to take delight in that and offer it up as entertainment? That same writer – deeming it his patriotic duty to warn America of the perils of a Trump presidency – has also said that, as far as he knew, Trump has never read a book in his adult life, unless of course the book was about him. So as far as Trump having a well-rounded, educated world viewpoint goes, his basically ends at the New York skyline.

OK. We’re getting there. We’re getting there. Got anything else?

Have I got anything else!? I’m just getting warmed up! How about the fact that Trump is a proven sexist, having made countless demeaning remarks about women, tweeting these childish, vile comments for all the world to see. Stuff like “blood coming out of her wherever” regarding FOX News “bimbo” Megyn Kelly, labeling women “dogs”, “slobs” and “pigs”, and calling Sen. Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” How about trading in two of his wives for younger models, the most recent – shock of shocks - being a model? And the creepily inappropriate comments he has made about his daughter Ivanka. Are we getting there?

Sort of, but listen, I’m not sure we’re really communicating, you and I. You see, I have really, REALLY low standards.

How about Trump’s peerless egomania? And I’m not just talking putting his name on his properties. You don’t have to be Freud to discern that this sheds mega-light on just how insecure this man is deep inside. Just listen to these quotes. “I have the best words.” “Nobody knows the tax code better than I do. I’m the king of the tax code.” “I will be so good at the military, your head will spin.” “I consult myself on foreign policy.” “I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.”

Wow! He said all those?

Word-for-word. But wait, there’s more! He says “I and I alone can fix it” when it comes to the problems of the day. Now does that sound like presidential material or the delusions of a dictator?

Well, now we’re getting somewhere. What else you got?

Could I interest you in some good old-fashioned racism?

Bet your ass you could! Because I’m the type of person who thinks every president should be a racist! Especially in this multicultural global village in which we live. Have at it, buddy!

How about the slogan “Make America Great Again” on his Made in China caps, coded throwback to a time when – and let’s be frank here – things were only great for white males?

I hear ya. I hear ya. But that feels a little thin to me. I think you’re stretching.

OK. Does referring to the vast, VAST majority of Mexican illegal immigrants as “rapists and drug dealers” fit the bill?

He said that?!

Yes, he did, amigo.

What a dick!

You got that right. And at one rally he pointed to a black man and said “Look at my African-American over here!” Like the man was his property. And it’s well documented that Trump apartments discriminated against blacks in the past.

I get it. He’s shrewd enough not to say “The N Word” but nevertheless sends out verbal cues to racist whites that he’s “one of them.”

Exactly! And how about this for a true warning sign of someone who would be a truly bottom-feeder president? Every presidential candidate in the modern era has released his tax statement but Trump refuses, contradicting his earlier promise to do so. Wonder why?

Hell no! I can imagine a whole host of reasons why. This guy is beginning to show some promise. Got anything else?

What are you, nuts? Of course I do! Now this I know you’re going to love. He is – and this is beyond dispute – as thin-skinned an individual as you’re likely ever to meet. He publically insults, demeans, lies about and criticizes people who voice concerns about him occupying the Oval Office. And ask yourself this: Do you want a thin-skinned hothead having access to the world’s largest military in the nuclear age? I’ll say it again: in the nuclear age!

You’re damn right I do! Because I couldn’t care less about the state of the world!

So do we have a deal here or not? I mean, what do I have to do to get you to vote for Donald Trump?

Well, there’s just one thing.

What’s that ?

I’m still not certain you comprehend just HOW LOW my standards are. I mean, mine are sick, dementedly low standards!

OK, I see what you’re saying. I’m sensing a little more coaxing is needed.

I’d say a LOT more.

How about this? At one rally, he made fun of someone with a physical disability, ridiculing them in front of a crowd. Is that low enough for you?

Now THAT’S what I call low. And I DO have low standards!

Try this on for size. He does not consider Sen. John McCain – a man who had been repeatedly tortured by his captors during the Vietnam War – to be a war hero simply because McCain WAS CAPTURED!!

And this Trump fella skipped out on the Vietnam War you said?

Yes! Can you believe it? And of course now he plays the bad ass.

That takes some nerve! I mean, that’s being a total, unfeeling, compassionless dickhead!

Yes! You’re finally getting it! So will you vote for Trump or not?

Well, I’m getting there. I’m getting there. What else you got?

How about this? Trump brags of his businessman’s savvy yet has filed for bankruptcies numerous times, each time cashing out while leaving others financially high and dry, often breaking contractual deals he had with them, sometimes even AFTER services were rendered and letting his lawyers clean up the mess. Remember his autobiography writer who called him a sociopath? Seeing a pattern here?

Wow! I’m starting to think this guy would be the worst president EVER! And the President of the United States is essentially leader of the free world. This sounds like my kind of guy!

Yes!! You’re finally getting it! I’m sure he meets your low standards! Now, do we have a deal or don’t we?

OK. I’ll make YOU a deal. If you can name just ONE MORE negative quality about him, I’ll vote for the man.

My friend, I have it. Donald Trump is clueless about government in general, going so far as to say he would terminate (“You’re fired!”) government officials, oblivious not only to the fact that government is NOT a business but that the president’s only power resides in the Executive branch, having no power whatsoever over the other two branches of government: Congress and the Judiciary. This system of checks and balances was put in place by our founding fathers for the very purpose of ensuring that no one of the three branches exercises undue leverage over the other two. That is to say, Trump can’t touch Congress or the Judiciary! And this powerlessness – for lack of a better word - has often been the bane of every president who has sat in the Oval Office, i.e. the vexing reality that, like them or loathe them, he has to work with them! Trump hasn’t the foggiest notion of this. Making matters worse, his penchant for publically insulting and humiliating those with whom he would need to cooperate in order to get ANYTHING done renders it near impossible for a Trump administration to accomplish anything positive whatsoever, virtually ensuring that the only thing destined to crawl from the swamp of a Trump presidency would be an enduring legacy of bitterness, cynicism and, a dreaded, three-headed beast that could well destroy the sociopolitical fabric of a country many once considered to be the greatest on the face of the earth!

Good Christ! Point me to the nearest polling place. This Trump fella has got my vote!

William P. Bekkala
(7/28-29/2016)

Twitter: @BillBekkala