Forty Years Too Late

Damn it, Eagles, make up your minds! Should I “Take It Easy” or “Take It To The Limit?!

BILL

A Thought re John Stamos

Actor John Stamos always strikes me as a nice guy. If I were that handsome, I’m SURE I’d be a real jerk! I mean, I’m kinda ugly and I already AM a jerk.

BILL

On The Lighter Side of Killing Sprees

I take comfort knowing I will never be shooter or victim.

I’m non-violent, have a moral conscience, vent as needed and am not into guns. Best of all, I’m agnostic! OK, that’s the shooter part.

But what about victim, you ask? Hey, I read beyond the headlines. The victims are usually “Kimberly Ann was 24, cheerful, loved by all and was two weeks shy of her wedding day.” It’s never: “Bill was bullheaded, opined with irritating frequency on the issues of day and his black gallows humor repulsed many.” Sorry, kids, but I’m going to be the lone survivor, feigning a corpse while staring into space amidst the bodies, sprawled out atop an empty ketchup bottle.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This? THIS was your target?

San Bernardino shooters took out a disabilities services center. What, was the Children’s Burn Ward closed?

BILL

Hyper Brevity is The Soul of Wit

I’m a master of the one-syllable haiku, the most challenging of the haiku series. Perhaps you’re familiar with what one-syllable haiku scholars deem my masterpiece: “Toast.” Allow me to share:

“Toast.”

I believe this cathedral of minimalism not only shames my earlier works (and, yes, I am including “Moss” as well as my thoroughly dated “Joust”) but makes the whole sorry lot of them come off like Gatling guns of horrid verbosity.

BILL

Lost in Tushlation

If I ever meet writer-director Sofia Coppola I’ll ask her why her opening shot of “Lost in Translation” is a prolonged close-up of Scarlett Johansson’s diaphanously-attired rear end. (For the record this is not a complaint, per se, merely confusion.)

BILL

In My Eyes There's Not That Much Difference

Sure, actress Rosanna Arquette has had two pop songs sung about her but, in the end, that’s only two more than me.

BILL