Today, I announce my candidacy for the office of President of The United States. Because of a recent traumatic brain injury I sustained I will be running as a “Tea Party” Republican.
It’s important that you know where I stand on the issues. Or at least where I stand when not standing in the waiting room of GOP contributor Sheldon Adelson, the eighth richest man in the world.
I stand for welfare reform. And when I say reform I mean: doing away with it completely. That’s right, I’ll say the words: I am against welfare. Except corporate welfare, of course. Hey, I’m not stupid.
On my first day in office I’ll form a blue ribbon commission tasked with monitoring anything the Reverend Jeremiah Wright says, because there is nothing more critical during these perilous times than knowing what might pass from the lips of a cranky old black preacher whom the Kenyan once knew.
Also on that first day, my young third wife will pin a second flag pin on my lapel mere moments after I take the oath of office. Yes, I will symbolically “double down’ on my patriotism the day I enter the Oval Office. Won’t you join me?
This one’s for all you acolytes of so-called “climate change.” No, I do not believe the alarmist predictions of climate scientists who have studied the data for decades. I believe the non-scientist hotties of FOX News. Especially the blond ones. Now this might sound somewhat odd to the layman but at least I’m consistent. For example, when I need tax advice I turn to my butcher, Carlton. When I need an oil change for my, yes, American built car, I drive to a flower shop. And when our daughter Kimberly suffered a collapsed lung and severe internal bleeding, we went to Enzo, our pastry chef. My wife and I miss our little Kimberly each and every day.
As for Benghazi, I reject the findings of a Republican committee which concluded that there was no there there. (And, by the way, you Republican committee members, does the word “traitor” mean anything to you?) But back to Benghazi, my constituents want to know – beyond any doubt whatsoever - if this incident was a 9/11 commemoration or anger over a film considered by some to be anti-Islamic. Because there is a difference, one being a violent act of religiously-fueled rage, the other a religiously-fueled act of violent rage. Let’s hold more hearings, shall we? The truth must come out!
Now I see members of the press in the crowd, each of them itching to ask me their “gotcha” question. Just the other day while I was out walking my dog a reporter asked me if my house was on fire and I could save either my rifle or my dog, which would I save? Well, you all know my reply because it went viral the next day: I sicced my dog on him. (Smile – wave – most importantly, POINT - during laughs.) So you lame-stream media types best beware.
My stand on abortion has been resolute for decades: there is nothing, I’ll say it again, nothing I hold more dear – other than my gun of course – than the tiny speck of goo growing inside a woman’s body or what I like to call women: “baby machines.” But be forewarned, my fetal reverence does come with an expiration date. It’s called a birthday. Yes, once the little tyke emerges from the holy warmth of the womb and into the cold, hard, brutal world, he’s on his own, frankly, and I could not care less what happens to him. Hungry? Homeless? Sick? Unattended because both parents work two jobs? Whine on, junior. It troubles me none. To do so would be to create a “culture of dependency” in the words of our savior. OK, maybe Jesus didn’t say that but I’m pretty sure he’d agree with me. He did say, “Suffer, children.” That much I know.
Yes, my name is Bill Bekkala, and like Joe Walsh some years back I’m running for President and would appreciate your vote. Assuming you’re properly registered and can present photo I.D. at the polls in order to help mitigate the scourge of voter fraud which I’m told occurs every few years. Thank you.
BILL
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